9.25.2010

On Choosing Godparents

Choosing godparents is just about the hardest decision ever for dh and I.  We are blessed with many faith filled folks in our lives, but many of them live a distance from us, none of them are family members, and many of them are relatively new friends rather than friends we have known a long time.

In determining godparents, we want ones that will be in our lives forever, and active in our childrens' lives.  We want amazing examples that live out their Catholic faith.  We would prefer folks we have known a long time, or family, but there really isn't that combination.  I feel guilt.  I feel judgmental.  I want the best for my child, but still.  I don't like to hurt feelings.  I don't like to leave people out.  If godparents had nothing to do with Catholicism and only to do with great people, we'd be good.  We are surrounded, family and friends that support us, love us, love our children, and will be in our lives forever.  My best friend, my sister, etc.  It would be hard to choose from all the great folks.  But it is more than that. 

I know that you can have one that isn't Catholic, but I struggle with that too.  I mean, aren't two Catholics better than one?  Is that horrible to say?  I mean, its not like we know an amazing Catholic married to an amazing non-Catholic.  That isn't it.  We could do that without an issue probably.  But really, if we did a non-Catholic, we'd pair together two folks that don't know each other.  We'd be splitting a married couple and only taking one Catholic and leaving their Catholic spouse behind.  Also, I feel like if we open the door to that, then people would less understand why they weren't chosen.  I mean, if they arent' Catholic and we only choose Catholics, I think that is a clear distinction that makes sense to people.  Not that people are likely staying up at night thinking about this, but still.  You know what I mean.  I think?

I have some great long distance friends and newer friends, but those that dh doesn't know well or neither of us know their spouse well, etc.  That isn't ideal, we feel.  Are we being too picky?

So we are left with the criteria of friends that dh and I both know well, as a couple, both practicing knowledgable Catholics, but also people that we think will be a permanent fixture in our lives-as best as we can determine at this time.  It is a small pool, but thankfully we know some of these even though in the scheme of things we haven't known them all that long! :(  

I wonder if the folks we picked for Charlie were surprised.  I mean, we hadn't been friends with them for crazy long at all, and they respected the importance of such a decision.  They themselves had caved to family pressure and chosen siblings that weren't practicing.  I am not judging.  As hard as the decision is, we have never once had family pressure.  We knew asking them was a big request.  They accepted graciously and are amazing.  We have become even closer, as a result, and they now live just down the street for us in their forever house.  We feel really blessed.  But I do imagine they were surprised, though honored, to be chosen. 

I imagine the next people will be just as surprised-if we can ever decide for sure.  Any thoughts on this topic?  Do you think I am being silly about this?  I can take it if you do!  :) Do any of you struggle with family that isn't really practicing?  My godparent that is living (my grandma that passed and my aunt is the other) isn't involved in my life hardly at all, let alone my faith life.  Dh's are pretty good (his aunt and uncle).  Dh isn't a godparent.  I am one, chosen prior to marriage,, but I am not even a good one-talk about hypocritical!  My god daughter is my niece, my sister JC's daughter (the sister with oh so many issues I don't know where to begin).  Perhaps I would feel less judgmental if I were the kind of godparent I want for my son?!  God knows she needs it.  She doesn't go to church, not enrolled in religious ed, hasn't received the sacraments except baptism.  It's overwhelming, really, the situation even though both her parents are Catholic....She does live in town now, so that makes it easier.  She moved back last year...Ugh.  Time to look in the mirror I guess and start focusing on being the kind of godparent I want for my son! 

9.22.2010

Prayer Intentions

There are plenty of daily reminders that labor could be any day now...or not.  Like the Braxto.n Hicks contractions, those are new.  And I am pretty sure a real one woke me from a dream last night!  I have gained a whopping 34 lbs so far and every week I am told I will gain another .5 lbs (most going straight to the baby-crazy).  I have been fortunate, as some of you commented, that so far it is staying in my belly.  But leaning forward at all or bending over to pick things off the ground is becoming increasingly difficult.

Rather than be surprised and unprepared for labor, I would rather complete my to do list now rather than later :)  Just the other day we wrapped up the nursery (getting it back in order-pictures coming), determined who we would call to watch Charlie in the middle of the night, decided on how to spell our girl's name, discussed godparents (again!), and more.  There still remain items to do (install infant car seats, look better into relaxation techniques, formally submit our birth plan and paperwork, buy diapers, wrap up final details on Charlie's 2nd birthday)...but one thing on my list that I can do right now is gather prayer intentions.

I have seen others do this in the past via blog and email, and I must say, I never thought to do this with my first labor.  I wish I had!  Of course, I will be offering my labor for all women who have experienced IF, miscarriage, and/or are waiting on adoptions.  However, I would be happy to collect any specific intentions from each of you for my husband to read to me during contractions.  If it is anything like last time (evil pitocin to be avoided at all costs!), I will have plenty of good pain to offer up prior to getting my epidural.  :)  You can email me or leave them as a comment here on my blog.  Regardless, you will all be at the front of my mind!

9.18.2010

Pictures! Long Overdue...

As you all know, my camera is missing.  As my forgetfulness has gotten quite expensive, I think a new camera might have to be early Christmas.  But so far I am holding off.  My sister was kind enough to loan us a camera (she has a few) and I haven't wasted a second.  I have been documenting Charlie's every movement and making dh take pics of the growing belly :)

Without further ado...




This last one was taken just 3 days ago, so in the 32nd week.  I think my belly is such an odd shape, not round like a bb, but then the shape changes when the baby moves.  Mostly I think it is funny then it sticks so far out, it is almost more horizonatal and parallel to the floor than anything and it is really obvious when my shirt is off.  Too funny!  I guess, then, it will be that much more obvious when the baby engages head down :)  Last week when I visited the hospital, it was pretty clear the baby dropped and was head down, but it was good to know the baby wasn't engaged.  I have been feeling good since I left, but I do believe I am feeling a lot of brax.ton hicks contractions since then.  Painless, just tensing of my belly, sometimes as much as 10 times in just a few minutes.  Crazy!

9.10.2010

Ten Surprising Things-revised

I was tagged by Megan at Heart of Monica and Some How, Some Way, Some Day (Thanks!) so here are 10 surprising things about me.

1. I went to Catholic school until 5th grade. I wanted to leave because a new elementary school was being built right by my house. I was going for free by that point, so my mom gave into the pressure since that bothered my dad anyway. I didn't like it at all and wanted to go back, but that wasn't an option. I attended my Catholic classes' eighth grade graduation and bawled that I wasn't part of it all.

2. I love organization! Office supplies and post its make me giddy, as dorky as that sounds. I make great lists, but often lose them before I get to the store! I just downloaded a post it ap on my cell phone and my desktop is already covered with them! I am so excited it won't lose its stick and get lost (as long as I don't lose my phone!)

3. I have a beef against wearing makeup, but I still wear eyeliner. I feel like the more you wear, the more you get used to it and then you don't feel right without it-I just don't want to be that way. I was never one with a gift for applying it anyway.

4. I have horrible vision. I have had 5 or so eye surgeries for a lazy eye and though the appearance has improved, I can't see out of both eyes at the same time. As a result, I have no depth perception and am a complete clutz. Gas perm contacts work great for me and I can drive fine, but I avoid areas I don't know at night or bad weather, construction, etc.

5. I don't consider myself girly and def not high maintenance.  I don't like to shop. I wear minimal jewerly (no earrings, etc) and what I do wear is the same everyday (wedding ring, watch, and necklace). I have no gift for doing hair or coordinating outfits.  I can be out the door two seconds from waking up.  It could be that I should just look in the mirror more often, or gain more skill in these areas, but I don't bother! :)

6. I died my hair green in high school and got my naval pierced at 16 when it first became popular. I went with my sister and used her id (though no one really cared). I had it repierced once and wore a tasteful one up until March of 2008 when I started showing with Charlie. I never wore one again. It looks incredibly ridiculous all stretched out! Oddly enough, I wasn't really that wild of a child and never used a fake id for any other purpose.

8. I have a crazy sweet tooth!  I love to bake and can make a mean chocolate chip cookie. I love peanut m&m's (and peanut butter m&ms and almond m&m's) and all things chocolate...I can put away a pound of m&m's with the best of them!

9. My masters is in autism. I have a passion for understanding behavior and how people respond to certain situations fascinates me.

10. I have relatively poor knowledge of the Catholic faith, though I taught religion with my mom from 11-15 and had my own class at 15 untinl 21.  I never would teach higher than fourth grade.  I learn everyday from all of you and that helps make it less of an overwhelming task to start from such ground zero!

11. I am an early riser. Ideally I go to bed at 10:30pm and wake at 7am. I do not even try to stay up all night (with the recent dissertation exception), or even late, and I am very grateful dh and I are on the same sleep schedule. It makes life easier.  Whenever he is out of town, I am up way too late on the internet though!

12. I am a doer, or a busy body, or however you want to term it. You get the point. I am the one who can't just watch tv, but is folding laundry too.

13. I am not crafty. I can't sew. I can't even really cut straight with scissors. I don't really desire to do these things except when I pay too much for items I know someone could easily throw together.

14. I am not a great cook. Dinner for the week involves take out, leftovers, grilled cheese with lunch meat, dh eats popcorn for meals...I do a lot of short cuts . I have a few fabulous appetizers I can throw together for a party. I can read directions. Other than that, I am in trouble. Most often our grilled cheeses are burnt. Dh is patient and easy, thankfully!

15. I hate popcorn. And Chipoltle. Gasp. Yes, I said it.

16. I have wanted to be a mom since the day I was born. I used to feel guilty telling my mom I felt like a fake in school so long because I really just wanted to be a mom more than anything. I used to love on my sisters' bellies and talk to their babies so much I was told I needed to back away or the baby would know me and not their own mothers. I was able to peel away so they didn't have to get physical. :)

17. I love quotes and have them plastered everywhere.

18.  I could lay in the sun forever. When I was young I was the girl with white hair and black skin! I could go from the pool to searing myself on hot concrete and I loved it. I could lay in the sun for hours (next to a pool), just getting in occasionally to cool off. Heaven.

19. Dh and I are pretty affectionate.  We don't need our own space and it isn't unheard of for us to sit in the same chair, share a twin bed or whatever.  We hold hands and are silly.  We have lots of nicknames for each other.  We both stink at singing and don't know all the words to songs, but it doesn't stop us.  Charlie is following suit.  He sings with us, dances with us, and insists we kiss him on the lips and never can give him a hug or a kiss without the other! :)

20. I could never name just ten things!  I am a talker by nature! :)  I spend too much time on my phone, email, texting, and my computer (including blogs). It is my guilty pleasure, and dh is usually calling me to please come to bed. I lose track of time there easily.

I tag:
Alive in Hope
Kaitlin at More like Mary, More like Me
Second Chances
Waiting for Baby Blondie and
Awaiting a Child of God :)

9.09.2010

Right Where I Needed to Be

Wednesday afternoon a simple call to my doc (better safe than sorry) landed me in the hospital for an overnight stay!  I had some nagging feelings that I realized I had better follow up on for piece of mind.  Sorry for TMI, but the symtpoms were...I felt like there was a lot of moisture in my underwear everytime I went to pee, I hadn't felt the baby move in what seemed like awhile, my stomach looked like it had changed shape (skinnier, like baby had dropped or I was losing fluid), and when dh touched the top of my tummy I felt like a foot was falling out the bottom, lol!.   I felt silly about all of these, but in combo I figured it wouldn't hurt to call. When you have a history like mine (i.e. miscarriage, not knowing my water broke last time, not having any contractions I could feel, and infection risks) I just don't want to mess around.

If I had known them checking me out was going to occur at the hospital, I may not have called.  But I didn't, so I did.  And was surprised to hear to check in at Labor and Delivery for fetal monitoring.  I went, no choice of course, but felt silly.  Especially when the baby kicked on the way there.  I called to see if I should still come and the verdict was yes. They wanted to check on my fluid level, etc.  I drove myself, walked in, even smiling.  I knew I would be in and out.  Did I mention I just did preregistration the day prior?  Go figure.  And my tour wasn't for another month so I wasn't even sure where I was going!

My nurse, Julie, was amazing.  She talked about her children, apologized to have ask me about my miscarriages again.  She said she had one at 20 weeks.  I was open with her about my hx, how we found successful treatment through Dr. H etc.  She opened up more about how she was Catholic, has thyroid issues, pcos, endo, Grave's disease...Her 20 week loss had had a birth defect.  It will always be part of her.  She recently had a hysterectomy (she was young-35?!) on the advice of a local RE.  She wished badly to have known about Dr. Hilgers sooner and she asked for Dr. Hilgers contact info (even knowing he is out of state) wanting to give it to her two friends the info, one doing IUI and one doing their last effort at IVF.  God is good.  He puts us right where he wants us!

The baby looked fabulous on the monitor and kicked liked crazy and I loved the reassurance of hearing the heartbeat continuously along with the thumbs of kicking.  The cervical monitor showed irratability, yet no contractions.  She tested for amniotic fluid leak and didn't find one.  She told me she'd see if the doctor wanted her to check me or not, since messing down there can stir things up.  She left and I felt good I'd be on my way soon.

However, when she came back she said she just needed two more things-to check and get a urine sample.  But then it turned out that the check revealed something alarming-I was dilated to one (no big deal) and 90% effaced. She was honest "that is not typical."  She warned me it was subjective, that she didn't get a good feel b/c she didn't want to mess with things with me being so thin, so she didn't know if the cervix was short or soft.  She felt the babies head down, but it moved when she touched it so it wasn't engaged (or locked into the down position). That was good.  She clearly seemed concerned and went to talk to the on call doc and run my urine. She was gone forever and I was left with Dr. Google :)

I was okay, really.  I felt at peace with things.  She came back to say that the urine wasn't positive for UTI, but with some abnormalities and the cervical irration the doc wanted me to have an IV of antibiotics just in case.  The doctor on call came in and broke some big news, they wanted me to stay all night to monitor for contractions, they were also giving me the steroid for lung development.  This seemed serious, but it was clear it was all precautionary and I was in good hands.  The doctor frustrated me. She seemed to want to prove her knowledge since I never met her.  She wasn't interested in my story that the nurse encouraged I share.  She told me clindamyacin wasn't indicated for Chamydi.a or mycoplasma.  She told me there were more recent studies that there is a better kind of progesterone that reached different receptors (still prog in oil, it also has to be compounded).  She said clearly my kind wasn't working.  She also said she had no idea why my doctor was getting the NFP training in Omaha as she had gotten it in her residency and he had gone to the same place.  Lets just say I wasn't impressed, but I am curious about the new progesterone studies and am following up with Dr. H.  I love how my nurse looked at me after she left and said "she just doesn't get it."  I was glad to know she did in a similar short amount of time.

I called my husband, arranged childcare, etc.  My voice only broke when I told my sister the news, but that was the first I knew I felt even a little worried.  Maybe it just sounded so serious at that point.  I said some prayers, offered this up, and sent some emails for prayer requests.  My husband brought my son to visit me, which was so nice, and also some toiletries and things to read.  My mom came up and brought a Wil.low statue that said "showered in love."  She is so thoughtful.  I did feel loved, and in good hands.

I didn't sleep well, but that was just because it was a hospital and I haven't been at home this trimester anyway, rather it be for no reason, Charlie, the baby moving, hunger, bathroom breaks etc.  Additionally there were all the cords to deal with everytime I went to the bathroom and the temp in the room was HOT!  I slept only two hours earlier and then two hours later in the night.  So much for a good nights sleep away from Charlie. lol

This morning brought more surprises, but of a different variety.  My doc did a check this morning and I felt I was much less effaced. He felt that the cervix was normal for this time, more like 50%, and said it is subjective and that he got a better feel than the nurse who was quick (she didn't want to disturb, esp after she saw how thin I was).  He did say it could be thinner in some areas then others.  Anyway, he let me go home immediately without bedrest or anything (less than 12 hrs ago they were worried about gravity!).  He felt it was fine that I had received the IV and steroids. I will go back tonight for the last steriod shot as an outpatient.  Its a funny thing, this all being so subjective, but I am glad we errored on the side of caution!

The way I figure it, I was there for a reason.  Maybe I was dilated to 90% and the prayers reversed things?  We'll never know.  Or maybe it was to get the IV abx to prevent preterm labor as a result of an oncoming bladder infection I wouldn't have known about or treated early enough.  Maybe it was to get the steroid because perhaps the baby will come early and fast and there won't be time at that point.  Or maybe it was to tell my nurse about Dr. Hilgers so she could give the information to her friends.  What I do know it is that was anything but wasted time.  God put me there for a reason. And I can do nothing but celebrate that this is  the best possible outcome!  God is so good!

9.07.2010

A Rare Treat and Thoughts on Suffering

This past Sunday dh and I decided to attend separate masses.  My mom met me there, which was nice.  She typically goes by herself in the town 20 min away.  My dad is not Catholic and neither my little sister or my niece that live with her go.  Sadly, my two older sisters that have their own families are also not practicing.  But that is a prayer request for another day...Though she is always welcome to join us, we stay at the parish close to us and go to times that accomodate Charlie. 

Though I like going to mass with dh and Charlie, it was certainly a rare moment going without distractions and I wanted to take advantage of.  I did my best to really focus with everything I had and I was not disappointed, as you can imagine.  I felt like the priest was speaking directly to me from the opening song forward. 

The first song was Lift High the Cross.  "Lift high the cross, the love of Christ proclaim, Till all the world adore his sacred name...."  The second song was Take Up Your Cross.  There was also Light of the World and Glory and Praise to Our God.  It was all so timely, reminding me that suffering and the Cross are beautiful things and that we need to be a light to draw others to Christ, especially admist our suffering.

I thought about suffering and love, how we should use love of others and also how we handle our suffering to be a message to others of Christ and His love. The homily focused on how the devil wants us to think God's ways take away or diminish us, but the truth is they do the opposite. The priest asked us to think about where we are being attacked and wage a battle, have a plan. I remember the Holy Spirit was part of the message and also forgiving others. I knew better in the moment, and really should have come right home to write my thoughts so they would have stuck better!

The readings and songs, and also our small faith group this week, made me think of some amazing influences in my life.  There are people that read this blog that I know in real life.  Like R.  A mutual friend brought us together (another light!).  She carries the cross of IF like no one I had ever met before.  In fact, the most beautiful thing she did was ship me all the maternity clothes she had purchased.  She literally let me be the first to wear them, they had been bought here and there when she thought/hoped things would progress more quickly in that area.  She said she got joy knowing they were being used, and I truly believe that because that is just the kind of person she is.  That is saint status if you ask me, and I wore them even though I felt completely unworthy of such a beautiful gift. 

There are others I know in real life that don't read this blog.  Like S.  S is now a Fertility Care practitioner, but I have known her long before this.  She has always been open about her own IF, before I really knew mine even existed.  She has always had an amazing bold faith, unashamed.  She pushes herself to learn, donates her time selflessly.  She does not feel sorry for herself.  She recognized adoption isn't the default Plan B and discerned it wasn't for her and her husband, yet remained open to whatever God had in store for them.  She drew lines about where she didn't want to cross, and when that happened and IF affected her and her marriage, they stopped ttc.  Her love of Christ is evident to anyone who meets her and they can't help but look at her and say "I want what she has!" 

And there are those that I have never met in real life, but read this blog and have profoundly affected me by their example.  Bloggers like Joy Beyond the Cross, Kaitlin from More Like Mary, More Like Me and Alive in Hope are examples that just ooze their beautiful faithfulness and draw others to Christ by their example.  Their joy is evident in everything they do because they are first and foremost daughters of Christ.  AIH said it best when she said to the effect of "everything changed when I found out how much I am loved."  She is constantly drawing others, not to herself, but to Christ through herself.

This list is not at all exhaustive. I am blessed with many beautiful influences in my life. I realize, based on my history, that I tend to just do enough based on the group I am around. It seems the bar is relative or something. Mass and Faith Group this week made me and want to emulate those people in my life that are a light independent of others. I appreciate this, as I know how difficult it is to do!

I think sometimes with suffering it is natural to just want to wait it out.  I definitely have personal experience with this.  You think with time it will pass and then things will be okay again.  But, of course, Christ calls us to love Him and draw others to him even through our suffering.  An example of waiting it out is dh and I right now with our abstinence. We are waiting it out, not learning from it, not letting it make us better people, not using it as it could be to draw closer. We are waiting for it to end, just sort of existing through it.  But the problem with this is suffering (or in this case self control as a sin) is going to continue to crop up, in one form or another, throughout life and it is much better to conquer it then to attempt to wait it out. 

Dh and I are overwhelmed with the various suffering that has surrounded us lately.  The pain of those the waiting to find a husband, or waiting for their husband to return from Ir.aq, the anxiety of those that are newly pregnant, the illness or loss of loved ones, watching your child suffer and not being able to intercede, etc. There is always going to be an opportunity to practice being a light to others admist suffering and I hope to make the most of the suffering opportunities in my life.
The readings etc allowed me to reflect on this, and inspired me to make a conscious effort to try and carry myself in a way where, regardless of the various sufferings and trials are encounter as a part of this life I can remain a light, a beacon of hope, and draw others to Christ, lift High my Cross and proclaim His love!  I know this is a large task, one that I (less consciously) have set out to do before and failed, but one that I see value in pursuing.  Thank you all for your inspiration and support.  I hope I can take just a bit of your light and carry it out to others!

9.04.2010

A Rough Weeks Seems Better Now

It has been a rough week in more ways then one, but I am feeling better today, thankfully.

First of all, I have had allergies.  I believe in addition to this I have been sick since I don't think allergies such a deep down junky cough.  I have been needing to sleep more, yet sleeping less.  This is two-fold, the third trimester is known for this and also Charlie has hit a developmental stage where everything that was once a given is no longer.  It is exhausting.  He used to crawl up the stairs to bed on his own when you announced it.  Now he cries and cries for books, trucks, daddy, and one more hug.  I could hold out (behavior is my field, afterall) because I know it is best; however, since he has taken to having a bm at random times before and during sleeping it isn't possible to the extent it would be.  I need a poop monitor-do they exist? lol!  Overtired begets hyperactivity and more inability to sleep (I love the books the No Cry Sleep Solution and also Sleeping Through the Night-excellent for any expecting parent to help develop good sleep habits early). 

Anyway, I've been tired, and sick, and emotionally drained due to all of this.  To top if off, it was frustrating not having a cell phone or contacts or work email on my loaner phone and I was much less efficient with the time I did have not having these tools for organization.  When I finally broke down to buy a new phone there were multiple frustrations involved including way too long in the store with a two year old that was tired (I had picked out a phone prior to going in, but after 45 min in we learned my work didn't have the right server-augh!) and way too many hours with customer service regarding setting up my new phone.  It turns out they made an error in the store (turned off my data feature and didn't turn it back on the new phone) and it all was 100% preventable.  Sigh.

There have been deaths.  One very close to my niece who is more like a sister (her father, already mentioned on this blog), but others that have really shaken dh like a father from his home town who passed while expecting his first child, and though not a death there is a one year old in our parish with a brain tumor-it was removed and has returned.  It makes us realize how precious life is, how fortunate we are, and how God is in control.  We have to trust that in the end there is eternal life thanks to His great mercy and love.

There have been good moments too, don't get me wrong.  Dh got up with Charlie all last night which was wonderful.  Charlie took a nap yesterday when it looked like he wouldn't and that helped us be able to go on with some much needed dinner plans with friends.  Charlie is doing/saying so many neat things.  He grabs a microphone and belts out the entire ABCs to my surprise.  He is counting.  He said "I want dad come" when we went to the store without dad.  There is just so much crazy development going on now and it is awesome to see my little boy make these connections and express himself.  My phone started functioning this morning.  I am getting a few things done this weekend-cleaning, cooking, groceries.  Things long overdue (the in laws are coming!) :)  The weather is absolutely amazing here.  I love fall! 

I want you to know, I offered all of that frustration and physical and mental exhaustion up for everyone dealing with IF.  I know that suffering is redemptive, and it felt better knowing that mine was being put to use.

9.01.2010

Spiritual Bouquet

This is for all our sisters in Christ who are in the midst of their journey with infertility, loss, and adoption. Know that you have our continued support, love, and prayers