1.29.2013

Not Ectopic

I have to tell you all again how your prayers have sustained me. Even though I was not looking forward to my appointment today and being brought to the full reality of this pregnancy, I continue to be covered in grace. It was not lost on me that a worker over here yesterday looked at my boys playing together longingly and remarked how fortunate I was to have two boys. He has two grown children and one young adopted son. He longs for a sibling for his son, but his wife is not in agreement. I keep going back to St. Francis DeSales and how so many of us have that unfulfilled desire he mentions.

Anyway, today I listened to some of my favorite Christian songs on my way to the appointment. Things like "Blessed Be Your Name" and "Never Let Go". I was happy I wasn't visibly shaking or crying waiting for the doctor or talking to the nurse, yet my blood pressure gave me away-142/80.

I was sent across the street for an ultrasound (worked in) and then back to my doctor for a follow up. The whole process was 3 hrs and a lot of that was waiting. And yet, your prayers covered me.  We did see a baby measuring 5 weeks 3 days (I am 7 weeks tomorrow). We saw a gestational sac and yolk sac in the uterus, praise God. The prognosis hasn't changed. As my doctor said, he is confident my dates are right and that this is another indication the pregnancy isn't viable. And yet, stranger things can happen and we always leave room for God. I love my doctor. So, I left with his cell phone number in case of bleeding and a plan to recheck on Monday.

Least favorite moment of the day: saying yet again the number of pregnancies versus live births for this ultrasound tech. Really? I need it printed up on a card so I can hand it over. too bad the number keeps changing. Sigh.

Most laughable moment of the day: when the ultrasound tech asked if I have had a transvag ultrasound before. Really? Really? Didn't I just tell you six pregnancies? It did make me smile, almost laugh out loud.

I have some more thoughts to share on ectopics, etc, but I have to run for now. Thanks again so much for the prayers!

1.28.2013

Grateful for you

I just wanted to let you all know how grateful I am for prayers! I am not in the same state I was with the last post, and I wanted to be sure you knew that. That is only by the grace of God, thanks to your prayers. Tomorrow is my "new OB" appointment. I think God does this on purpose, where I have the levels and they are low but I am hopeful. And then I have an idea based on future levels. And then it gets confirmed. Everything doesn't hit at once because God knows I can't take it. So I mourn a little more with each step, but there is relief in between and time to process and be grateful for what I have, etc. I am constantly reminded even in this process how much God loves me and how surrounded I am with people who care for me and understand. For that I am truly grateful. Thank you for all the prayers and support.

1.25.2013

Crushed in Spirit (or From Success to Failure Overnight)

Lots of thoughts are running through my head right now. Since this is an IF blog, I figure its a decent place to record them. No need to comment. I know which ones are silly, unfounded, or downright insane. I see dumbledore pulling thoughts out of his head with the wand and putting them in the pool of water. Maybe if I dispose of them here...poof. Gone. Lol. But first a little background...

On Thursday, my sitter (also a wonderful friend and AJ's godmom) asked me "so, do you just not think about it so you can keep going about your day and get done what you need to?" or something to that effect. Yes, she was exactly right. Thinking about it wouldn't help anything. Only time would tell. I told her I didn't think God wanted me to be anxious and that worrying wouldn't speed up time. Plus I am fortunate as worrying isn't really a big part of my nature (a huge blessing). So I went about my day. I didn't really cry. Things were still up in the air. I pretty much new. But it wasn't confirmed. So I kind of felt bad to mourn. I don't know.

Today was confirmation. I thought somehow I could continue on like before, but things have changed. And I think I new that. I wasted a lot of today. I sat in the parking lot of the hospital with my phone a good thirty minutes before I walked in. I almost called someone to talk me into walking in the door. But I finally made it happen. I went and saw my mom after. She asked a few questions. For once in my life I gave short answers, brushed her off, and said I didn't want to talk about it. After all, at that time I was waiting for the results. I didn't want to talk until I knew something.

I got the results in the Target parking lot. I cried. I spent awhile in my car before I went in. I looked like a train wreck. Smeared make up from the day before-and that was before the tears. What I don't like about today is the fact that the tears are really sneaking up on me, spilling out when I least expect it. When I am not particularly thinking about it. Like at the dinner table when I sped quickly upstairs so my boys didn't see them.

Lots of thoughts are going through my head that I would rather not be there. Things that aren't particularly helpful and I know that. Things like I went from a Napro success to a failure overnight. I do not want to give our NFP talk at the intro sessions we typically do about quarterly. We've had two miscarriages since our last talk. Those are edits I don't want to make. I like being a mentor, helping people through IF. Navigate what I have been through and learned from. I don't feel I have anything to share right now that would help. Two losses. Two babies born. Two more losses. If there were not our boys in between what a different story it would be. But we have our boys. Thank God we have our boys. Four losses. Four babies gone. But one isn't gone. He is still hear. Just dying. Dying inside me. God help me and my wreck of a body. Am I done? Is AJ my last baby here on earth? I never thought he would be. I wasn't prepared for that. I shouldn't assume. And yet I did. The boys were going to share a room. Another baby was supposed to be in that nursery. That f***ing nursery. I can't stand the thought of it empty. AJ is potty training. Talking up a storm. He is hardly my baby. He is the size of a three yr old. Growing up so fast. Preschool in the fall, maybe even this summer. Then no more babies with my sitter friend. She has had one of my kids since Charlie was three months old. She will have to move on to other work, I imagine. I would never have felt comfortable working if my kids hadn't been able to go to her. Will there ever be another baby? Will my body ever be healed?  Would treatment equal healing in other areas too and therefore be worthy? Or would it be money that could be better spent on adoption? Four losses. That's more than any mother's heart can take. So many losses. Shouldn't I be insane by now? Maybe I am and don't know it. There is still time, I am sure. A funeral mass. I think we need it. I am not ready to bring the idea up to dh yet. Tuesday. Tuesday I will see the doctor. Tuesday or that week I will have a scan. We will have next steps. Someone from Dr. Hilger's office will call when they get the results. They always say the right things. Tomorrow the IV comes out. The ladies at that infusion company know of every success and every loss I have had. They celebrate and they cry with me. I can't imagine getting through the IV coming out without sobbing. Whole body shaking sobs. Another failure. I will have to have dh take the boys somewhere. I don't mind them knowing I am sad or seeing me cry, but I don't want to scare them. And Charlie will be full of questions. I think I have already said too much about his siblings in heaven. I originally wanted it to be a fact he always knew so it was not a surprise one day. He seems okay with it and then he does or says something and I think I've made a mistake telling him and it's too much for his sweet sensitive soul to take. I can't add another to that.  Dh. Has told no one. Does not have the support system I have. Not to mention guys don't particularly talk about these kinds of things. He didn't tell his mom we were pregnant. She is the one he is closest too. I encouraged him tonight to tell her. Can you imagine talking to no one. His work is super busy this time of year. He has a cold. He goes from work to bed right now. No social contact really. So he isn't exactly going to pick up the phone and say, "hey, we had another one." So pray for him please. All he has is me. Speaking of telling others, I am beginning to think about what others think. I don't normally. But at least twice this year friends told me they aren't having more because they are grateful for what they have. I took offense. Do they think I am not grateful for what I have just because I want more? Are they judging me, I wondered? Well if they weren't before, they are now. Why isn't she just grateful for what she has? And now, even worse, people might think they know our situation. They might think I am desperate for a baby at all cost, even to keep conceiving over and over again, knowing there is a good chance of loss. Selfish is what they will think. Absolutely selfish. Why is she doing that to herself? To others? I picture them feeling sorry for me, for my husband. For being so desperate and not being grateful for what I have. Thinking we are irresponsible for conceiving life. People know. People I love know about this baby. This loss doesn't just hurt dh and I. It hurts our parents immensely. It hurts our siblings, especially my sister that has been through so much already. But I do not regret telling them. They want to know. To share in the joy and the pain. But it does make my pain deeper, knowing this hurts them too. And it is not lost on me that while my baby is losing its battle with life, others are celebrating forty years of murder in the womb. No, it isn't fair.

Thankfully these thoughts don't run 24/7. I don't work that way. I can shut them off. Distract. Go about life. I do manage to function between these thoughts. But they are sneaking up on me. As are the tears. It is going to be really hard to be around people the next few weeks, not knowing when all of this is going to rise up within me. I hope people can be patient with me during this time, I am going to need it!

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).
Stolen from Star of Hope

Confirmation

Today I got a progesterone draw and another level. It is my last of my own choosing. The result of 770ish from 740 in three days confirms what I already knew in my heart. What is left is my "new OB" appt Tuesday where I might request an ultrasound to rule out ectopic. What I don't want to deal with is another doctor trying to shove a methotrexate shot on me. If I have to drive to Omaha to have an ectopic responded to in a safer and pro life manner I will. Period. Normally I would eat something nice and chocolately (such as a pound of peanut m&m's) but I think getting C Diff on top of this would add insult to injury. After all, I have been on Biaxin (8days), immediately Cipro (14 days), a week later a 10 day IV of clindamyacin, overlapped with Zithromax (14 days). Thanks to a strong probiotic and little sugar, I have not yet lost all good bacteria. It's only a matter of time before we dump more antibiotics in the system and I imagine a diet change I have been fighting for years is in my future. Our infection is back with a vengence. What used to work, no longer does. Changes ahead. 

For those who wanted to know more about infection, please read this post. I think it will answer a lot of your questions, but feel free also to google infection on the search box on my blog. My blog is meant to be a resource for those with exactly the questions you are asking, so start there. However always, feel free to email me anytime with your questions. I always make time to answer questions.

Also, E, are you there? I don't have a link to your private blog and would like to follow. NY may be in our future as well, and I didn't realize I was missing out on a lot of your info. Thanks!

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself.  Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew." - St. Francis de Sales Thank you, M, your love of the saints is so inspiring!

1.24.2013

Maybe You Need to Hear This Too?

From a post that K just wrote:

Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life; rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, Whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms.  Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; the same understanding Father Who cares for you today will take care of you then and every day.  He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.  (St. Francis De Sales)

Exactly what I needed to hear. I hope it helps some of you out there as well!

1.23.2013

Listening

A lot of thoughts have been swirling around my head the last 24 hrs. Forgive me as I try to capture some of them. I don't know how this is going to go...

The day before yesterday I knew one thing going into my OB appt. Despite all my hope and how easily it came to my surprise, there was one thing I looked toward with dread. At my OB appt I knew they would do bloodwork and then hand me my new baby bag. The one with samples and hospital registration and the like. The same bag that has been thrown away on three separate occasions. I told dh the night before, I am fine, but I don't want that bag. The same bag that symbolized such hope the first four times. No thank you. My lack of enthusiasm was downright disdain.  Additionally two days ago, I sorted through old posts and got all my hcg numbers side by side. It was the first time my hope was really shook since the initial 47. I made dh look at it and he said something hopeful, which I took and went to sleep.


15dpo
16dpo
17dpo
18dpo
19dpo
20dpo
21dpo
22dpo
23dpo
24dpo
25dpo
26dpo
27dpo
M

514

1544

3438



5271

5184

G

279

321

353

444





C
546

1201

1838*

3365




12708

A

207


500

1634

3219


5247

G





899

1300s

2209 (sat)



N?

47

100

215



625


740


Before my appt I decided to get another hcg draw. It had been three days since the last (652), which was four days from the one before that (215). Since I live 20 min from the hospital and was there anyway, I figured why not. So I went early and got the draw. I went to my OB appt and had my favorite nurse. She was so kind when I came in after Dr. Toth had shook me. I was glad to see her. She respected my need for no bag. I left the appt feeling alright, despite the usual questions (how many pregnancies, how many live births-why on earth do they still ask this?!) and a few new ones since she didn't have the info in the computer (dates of each loss). I won't actually see the doctor for another week, but I did find out I was previously exposed to parvo/fifths disease, so that was good news. Immunity.

I left the appt and realized I had a vm from the lab. The bloodwork was back. I called back only to find out the number was about 740. I had her repeat it. I called her back to repeat it. So not good.  I was in shock. I called dh. I told my sister JB. I called Dr. Hilger's office in tears. I called in sick to work. And I indulged myself all day. I let myself be sad. But I didn't want to sit at home (or work!) so I took all my donations that had been in my car, did several errands, and had my car professionally washed inside and out. I felt a little better. Dr. Hilger's nurse Stephanie called back and she was amazing. She knew what I didn't want to hear. I had heard it all before. She just listened. I went to adoration.

The one thing I wanted to share and get off my chest with Stephanie. The regret. We should have waited. I don't blame Dr. H, but we should have waited. When we saw TEBB, we switched from biaxin to cipro. It made sense to finish the cipro and then see if the next cycle the brown blood had cleared up. It just made sense to have a clear sign to move forward. There was no rush. I didn't feel rushed. But I made up my mind to share the concern and follow his advice, regardless. I trust him. I still do. But I don't think he knew better. Still risk/benefit would tell you to wait. I am fault too. I didn't listen to my gut. I wanted to ttc, and though I was almost too confident it would happen quickly, I had promised dh we would take a break when the due date was during his busy time. As much as I hated to, he wouldn't be involved as much and it would be hard for him to be woken all night and then work 80 hrs. He would miss us terribly. I needed his help. So I agreed. But that left three cycles. And I knew, according to stats, we may very well need all three. And I dreamed of a Christmas conception. We had a Valentine's day baby and a baby conceived on dh's birthday. I loved the idea. And so I ignored my gut. And we used that TEBB cycle we were one biaxin and then cipro. And we conceived. And I will always think of this baby as my Nicholas. And I will always have a healthy amount of regret. No debilitating regret. But a desire that things had gone differently. That I had made a different choice.  One thing I know for sure, impatience has no place in ttc. And impatience is not from God. It is the Holy Spirit which provides peace.  The peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know the baby isn't gone. It's a weird place to be and yet to mourn a loss that hasn't yet occurred. There is a room for a miracle, always. There is likely a long road ahead. I have two days of IV left. Many progesterone shots including last night. Blood draws. Probably a sonogram. It will take time. But I do think most likely it is clear where this is headed if God doesn't provide a miracle.

A lot of thoughts went through my head yesterday while I had that time alone. My best friend whose boyfriend recently broke up with her. She is 34 and no immediate prospects for things to change. She is a great person. She is lonely. She has no control of this particular situation. My friend B came to mind. She is divorced, had married a verbally abusive man who showed no signs prior. She has a son. She has been shunned by previous friends. She left the church. She has her son. She wants to marry, have more children. She doesn't have control over these things or their timing. I have two friends who can't get pregnant. Who have waited to adopt. For two years or so. Too long. No control. And countless others who have IF or had IF and are ttc #1 or subsequent children who are doing their best every day to hand this over to God. And I am no different. I want to follow His will. And yet, I plan, I take control, I think I have it figured out. I talk. I don't listen to God. Yesterday I tried to be quiet and listen. You know what I heard? Him. God. I heard His voice through Catholic radio. They were talking about being in communion with God. God desires a more authentic relationship with me. I read several excellent blog posts, including this one which involved me going to a link. It made me be more grateful for my dh and I vowed to do what was listed. I sent it to him as accountability. I read  TCIE about perception, which was such a good reminder about things out of our control, which is the case in all stages of life, and how we can control our perception of our circumstances. It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes: "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; its about learning to dance in the rain." Isn't that the truth. I read others. All with such great wisdom for me. One more thing, about communion with God, as I sat outside adoration, reading blogs and listening to Catholic radio, I looked up and saw a Jesus fountain I hadn't noticed before. It faced the cars, not the chapel. It faced me. Jesus, with his beautiful sacred heart, was beckoning me in. Here I sat in the car, and yet there he was, not 20 feet away. Beckoning. Longing to be in true communion with me. Sometimes I lean too much on Christian music and publications and yet, I neglect time with the Word or time in prayer. Definitely not what God wants to replace Him.

So there it is. Some of the thoughts that have been floating in my head the last 24 hrs. Lots to sit and think on, but more importantly, lots to do. My email signature says "action is the proper fruit of knowledge."  And so that is my plan. I've always been a doer. It's the Martha in me.

1.18.2013

Forgetful-updated with hcg result

So even though my blood was drawn two days ago, the results aren't back yet for whether or not I am immune to Parvo. Since my doctor's office closes as noon on Fridays, and the doc does surgery Monday mornings, I won't know my status until Monday afternoon. At least no one appears to be showing symptoms so far.

I did not do an hcg draw yesterday even though it had been 48 hrs. It wasn't really necessary or convenient, so I figured I would go in another couple days on Saturday and hope it is about 800. Spreading them out now is good for me. It's time :)

On another note, I did something really dumb. When I disconnected the IV to shower yesterday, I hooked it all back up right and then forgot to restart it. For 19 long hrs. Since it wasn't on, it didn't beep to alarm me it was paused. So not only did it get backed up with blood and I have an extra 19 hrs to tack onto my 10 days, but they think my midline might be blown. Right after I called the nurse due to need the dressing changed now, it was feeling cold at the site. I think she was right and it is leaking. Medicine not going in, being wasted...augh! I just hope they can put another one in easily if it did blow. I have too many days left to deal with a regular IV. Another midline, if they can do it, doesn't seem too big of a deal from my end. I hope that is the actual case. The nurse is on her way now, so I will update when I know. I can't believe I did that!

*Update-the number Saturday was 652. Not what I wanted to see, but not enough to throw me into a panic. I chose to look on the bright side and be optimistic.

1.15.2013

Parvo-no it's not just for dogs

Well, today my mom had her surgery. It went fairly well. She was not nauseated from the anesthesia and they were able to take care of most of her pain. Unfortunately not all, and that awful pain where the gas settles in was really painful for her. It still is. However her stomach was not sore at all and she is in good spirits. She did have some strange reaction where the carbon dioxide was absorbed into her tissue making her really swollen and literally crackly. But that was a short term thing. So crazy, I didn't know that could even happen.

I was late getting to my mom's surgery because I had my blood draw this morning. I am trying to keep them at the same time, so about 11 am. I figure any less than forty eight hrs and I would wonder if that is why it didn't double, etc. Well, I am happy to report it did double!  So far the trail is 47 to 100 to 215. Each forty eight hrs apart so I can't complain.  I was feeling pretty good. That is, until I opened this email from the hospital.

Your child has been exposed to Fifth's Disease in the past 2 weeks. Incubation is 4 - 12 days and once the rash comes out, they are no longer contagious. The risk is to pregnant women so if your child contracts it, keep them away from anyone you know who might be pregnant.  

Okay, well that is pretty much impossible. Especially because my husband is a CPA.

Upon further communication I learned this didn't just mean his school was exposed and this was a precaution email. It was Charlie's class that was exposed. The class I volunteer with every Tuesday (though not today). And another child showed symptoms today. So I did a little research and from this site I found out Fifth disease is actually just a viral illness that most kids recover from quickly and without complications. Fifth disease (also called erythema infectiosum) is caused by parvovirus B19. A human virus, parvovirus B19 is not the same parvovirus that veterinarians may be concerned about in pets, especially dogs, and it cannot be passed from humans to animals or vice versa....Parvovirus B19 infection during pregnancy may cause problems for the fetus. Some fetuses may develop severe anemia if the mother is infected while pregnant — especially if the infection occurs during the first half of the pregnancy. In some cases, this anemia is so severe that the fetus doesn't survive. Fortunately, about half of all pregnant women are immune due to a previous infection with parvovirus. Serious problems occur in less than 5% of women who become infected during pregnancy.

Okay, so odds are the baby will be okay. But I don't like the sounds of this. I am not overly worried because of the 50% chance I was exposed previously in my life and therefore immune. I am also not as worried because what good will it do? I can't do anything about this. I won't even know if Charlie has it until he is no longer contagious. So, we stayed home from the pizza party tonight, I am rethinking childcare for Thursday, and the birthday party on Saturday. I am getting a blood draw tomorrow to see if I had previous exposure, not that we can do anything either way, but maybe it will show I already had it. That would be nice. And I said a prayer and offered the worry over to God. What else can I do? I am going back to my happy place over my 215 beta :)

p.s. Dr. Hilgers put me on Zithromax. I thought this was for every eight weeks (eight on eight off) throughout pregnancy, but it looks like it's actually for now, during my IV. This a first. The change in protocol is interesting. Btw, I haven't told Dr. Toth about this pregnancy. I am still a little hurt over his reaction last time so I guess, for once in my life, I am holding a little grudge. I value this life.  I value his expertise and I will contact him if I feel it's warranted to get his opinion on something, but I don't feel the need to share this pregnancy announcement with him.

Blessed

No, not because of anything you don't already know. But I can't help but reflect on how fortunate I am. Being pregnant is a blessing. To get pregnant in one, two or three cycles of trying with my diagnoses is mind blowing. To think back at being married in 2006, I had a loss that year, a loss the next year in 2007, a pregnancy and birth in 2008, nursed through 2009, was pregnant and gave birth in 2010, nursed through 2011, had a loss in 2012, and am now pregnant in 2013. Regardless of outcomes, I really am very fortunate to be mama to six babies. I always wanted six kids. My mom and dad are both from six kid families.

I am sorry I was feeling sorry about myself for my losses in a recent post. Those who wait are never far from my thoughts. I hope, in my stream of consciousness types of posts I do more often than not,  I didn't say anything that is hurtful or insensitive. I realize saying it would be better not be pregnant than to have one in heaven was not sensitive. That isn't how many individuals feel. I am not sure how I feel. It was a weak moment. And I want to apologize.

The two week wait, while tortorous, is one I have not experienced month after month so I realize in some ways it is not comparable to those still waiting. Yes, it is hard even with children. Children make you want siblings for them. They are tangible reminders. They ask for siblings, pat my belly, talk about how nice it would be if we could have "one of those." :) AJ continues to sleep with not one, but two babies, that he cares for daily. However, I know that no matter what I have them. So it is different. I agree, as was mentioned, it isn't easy. It isn't ever easy. There is no get pregnant and never have a worry or a sign that things might head south. I do sometimes feel envious for others that experience that. But I know too many that don't have it as "easy" as I have it. Too many that struggle more than I do to conceive. In real life and blog buddies. So while there are similarities in my position with others, I do recognize how blessed I am. Finally, I feel exceptionally blessed for all of you reading this blog who have stuck with me through lack of posting, random posting, and just plain poor quality posting. I am grateful for all those that continue to read and, especially comment, because I am so terrible at that myself given I use google reader. I just want you all to know that, since it probably wasn't so clear even just a few posts ago. 

On a completely different note, please continue to pray for my mom. She is back in surgery. I will join family at the hopsital after my blood draw in the next hour. I was able to receive the midline catheter and IV infusion yesterday, so I am happy to get that going so soon. It was nice that Dr. Hilgers gave this pregnancy a vote of confidence when he wanted it in immediately following the doubling hcg on Sunday.  Grateful for those that worked hard to make the possible last night after hours. And grateful the midline placement was done in my home, at my kitchen table, in the way I was used to and not at all the nightmare last time of being in an operating room being xrayed a thousand times.

1.14.2013

HOPE

It seems impossible, and yet today I find myself full of hope. Yesterday my blood draw came back a 100, so it did double and because it rose I am definitely pregnant. That was my gut feeling due to the preg being negative two days prior to that, but I had mixed emotions with such a low starting number so I am not sure what I wanted to believe. Still, it doubled. Questions remain about the low starting number, but I know there are things we don't know, such as how long it takes to travel and implant. So I know there is some gray area and I am taking it. Choosing to be positive. Celebrating this life that is here growing within me at this moment. I know the prog level was 25, I think from my peak plus 7 (not the one I got when I got the hcg quant) but I will confirm. Still when it was 47, Friday, Dr. Hilgers put me on my high dose progesterone. And even with the 25, he is having me stay on it which is fine by me given it drops when I go off or even down.  So here we are.  Dr. Hilgers also said since it doubled he wanted the IV in immediately. That will likely mean today given the footwork we did ahead of time, but possibly tomorrow since its already 2pm. I will be getting another level tomorrow around 11am, regardless, to see how things are doing. After that I may wait awhile. For a girl with hx of miscarriage, an open hcg quant requisition can be a dangerous thing. :) I am going to attempt to let go and let God after the next set of numbers. I need to call my ob and schedule a 6.5 week ultrasound.  I am so surprised how peaceful I feel. I have had thoughts of names and preparing the boys and then I am surprised I am thinking that way. But somehow this hopefulness has come back. And for that, I really am grateful.

Please pray this hopefulness continues and that dh and I have peace regardless of the outcome of this pregnancy. Also, my mom is having a huge hernia operated on tomorrow. She typically gets nauseated with anesthesia, though they can do a lot to help this now. Also, narcotics make her throw up (same as me). So, please pray they can control her pain and anesthetize her well without her being nauseated. If she vomits, she will literally undo the surgery. Scary. Also, there have been fatalities with a hernia this large. And this surgery isn't always successful. However, she has the best surgeon she could have for this, and we are hopeful it will be successful.

1.11.2013

Why does more info never lead to a solid answer?

I am in limbo. I think I live here actually, so I might as well settle in.

Okay, two days ago I took a hpt. It was negative. I expected it positive due to hcg in my system. Hmmm.  Maybe in btw shot and conception, but then again, by 14 dpo you would think it would be positive if it was going to be positive. Didn't help the test was older. I don't know from when. And generic. I don't think it was one of those extra sensitive kinds.

Then yesterday after my post, I took a hpt. It was new and expensive. Funny thing, I was so anxious I barely had any pee and took it anyway. If I had waited five min and drank a water, I have the smallest bladder ever, it would have been fine. I thought it was negative, but really I look back and it didn't even produce a test line. I am out of practice with hpt, don't use them b/c of being on the shots. I just had a few around from before I started cycling again and before I was on any meds. I think I should stick to the non testing rule.

Anyway, after that test yesterday I really didn't think I had a chance. I started my period on 16dpo last month. Weird. And the test was negative yesterday, or so I thought. But I was headed out to spend the day with my sister and mom today, so I wanted to rule out the need for a blood draw since it was 16dpo and no blood test.  Plus I was achey on the left side again. I used the 2nd hpt and it was positive decently quick, but not the darkest I have seen. I was cautiously optimistic. Figured I was pregnant due to neg two days ago (by then I looked back at the picture and realized my error from yesterday)-since this would be the shot reappearing. I went in for a quick draw. I am super blessed to use a hospital for my requisition; it is fast, can be done anytime, they run it stat and call me with the results.  While waiting I was able to secure a standing order for repeat hcg at same hospital from my ob (love him!) and my mom was able to get my infusion company to recontract with the mid line catheter placement company for my services monday or tuesday, should I need them. That was nice to be taken care of. I called Dr. Hilger's for the IV orders, should we need them.

Insert torture. Because the phone rings with my results and my phone won't let me answer it. I had to pull the battery finally and restart. This gave Charlie and me time to pray to the Holy Spirit for peace regardless. Listen to voicemail. Call lab back because they just said to call instead of leaving results on the vm. The number was WRONG! I call the main hospital line and lose the call due to reception. I call again. I get transferred. To the wrong extension. She realizes the right number and finally transfers me. Betty, my savior answers. "it's 47, that's good right?!"

Well, not quite. You see, on hcg shots, they call 50 a true positive. But if my negative test was correct, then the hcg was out of my system. But the number is small. My lowest on this day was 207 (Anthony). They said maybe he was a late implanter. So I have more questions than answers. Maybe this is hcg shot leftover and the neg test was wrong. Maybe this is a pregnancy that is not doing well. Maybe dates are wrong-I only had one day of mucus, but it was rock star and very clearly what I see for peak. However, we did bd every other day several more times. So maybe a later one was really the one? Then the hcg draw would just be early. Or maybe its ectopic, characterized by a slow rising hcg. Lots of scenarios. Only one of them good. I try to look on the bright side. I'd rather not be pregnant than miscarry. Okay, I shouldn't think that way. It's a soul in heaven. But I do. It's a loss. A real child that I can't hold. So maybe  I am selfish. If this is a loss, I would rather it be a quick loss. Again, I am selfish. I know the baby doesn't suffer. But the more we do, the more invested I get, the harder it is. The baby will be loved regardless of date of loss, but truth is, I feel it is harder the longer the baby is here.  The heart beat that slowly lowers is excruciating. Been there twice. Last time doing the 10 day IV and then losing the baby was insanely difficult. Additionally, I will say that losing a baby where you didn't see it coming is worse than warning, even if the warning means it is drug out. These are just my own personal experiences. So if it is a loss, it would be better to be a loss we know is coming. So these are my pathetic ideas of looking on the bright side.

The plan is to redraw Sunday and see. If it doubles, Hilgers will still do IV monday. If it is really questionable, like barely doubles, I might ask for another draw before we decide. One day, Tuesday, will give me comfort to know the IV is the right thing. It's all set up and waiting. Now, to distract myself with my family this weekend and pray for peace. Holy Spirit, beloved of my soul. I adore you. Enlighten me. Guide me. Strengthen me. Console me. Tell me what I should do. I promise to submit myself to all that you desire of me and accept all you permit to happen to me. Let me only know your will. Amen

1.10.2013

TWW

Why does a search on tww on my own blog yield nothing? I do not recall the wait being quite so tortorous. Perhaps that is an overstatement, but still.

We tried. We wait. I have symptoms. I do not recall hcg making me feel like I am pregnant. I do not get tender breasts on it and the like so I do not experience that torture. However, this cycle on P+4 I had a very sharp pain on my left side. The following day I felt crampy. No idea what that means.

I feel hungrier. There are days that I feel more tired, and these aren't explained by other circumstances. But they aren't consistent. Perhaps my most compelling symptom is the dizziness I feel when I stand up too fast from picking something off the floor. I get this only when I am pregnant, due to increased blood flow. Probably compounded by my heart murmurs. So that seemed encouraging. I felt very hopeful.

When I was able to gather additional symptoms from past posts I gathered this: one time I could smell like a crazy superhero power, many times I peed all the time, I have none of these. I did have cramps before and then actually tested positive, so that part is encouraging because I started feeling crampy two days ago and yesterday too. Actually, I rarely have cramps anymore so that could be a good sign. I hope. But then I tested. Yes, I never do this, but I felt the urge and had a test. I knew it should be positive. I was on p+14 and I took my shots a day late so even more reason for it to be positive. I knew a positive test would tell me nothing. It was negative. Ugh. WTH?! So I have been discouraged since then. I am fighting the urge to go in for a draw today. If I test today, I could test Saturday and Monday morning and have good confirmation regarding my IV. I have been given the okay on p+15 before due to other circumstances. However, with the shot a day late, I don't want to get questionable results and be tortured longer.

Perhaps my best symptom is no period. It used to be that I had a 12 or 13 post peak phase and I knew if I got to p+16 I was pregnant. However...that possibly changes when cycles start back up. And non hcg cycles for me are really short. So I don't have that many hcg cycles post Gianna. But last month I got my period on 16 days post peak. Yes, you read that right. Ugh! So maybe not such a good sign. Before Gianna it was all 12 or 13 days post peak on hcg. Hmmm.

So I wait. Unique to this cycle, my mom best friend and also my sister JB know I am waiting to test tomorrow. I never tell people except dh. I took my meds righ this time, of course, so I feel good about that. Except when I left my purse on my car during First friday daily mass and then someone ran over my pill bottle of T3. I had to get a new bottle and didn't get it until Wed. I had some left from my bottle at home, but not much so I missed two to three doses which is unheard of for me. And I think about how my insurance changed and how my infusion company no longer contracts to have mid lines put in. So I think of what I can do now to make it a smoother process if, in the next three cycles ttc, we are fortunate enough to have success. I gave the infusion company my new insurance info and ask if they could put an IV in on Monday with little notice. Yes, just a few hrs. That's just the meds though. I need the line. Last time KCC put the line in and it was a nightmare. They thought they were supposed to put in a PICC (and were maybe told wrong by my ob who was trying to be helpful b/c they needed local, not Hilgers, orders). When I knew they scheduled me for a PICC, I told them it was mid and to call my doctor back. I called him back. We were clear, it should be a mid. However, they placed a PICC. Today I learned they can't place mid lines, only PICC. Evidently they were determined to do this themselves. Nice. So the difference was instead of a quick insertion by a nurse with an ultrasound guiding her, it was an operation of sorts-a procedure in an operation room, with a gown on, with lots of doctors and nurses, and lots of xray for correct placement because this was a much more invasive procedure. And since it was all unexpected, it was my own version of hell. So, I would like to avoid this again. So, with my mom-a hospital social worker-'s help I am trying to find a midline catheter placement company. Evidently the hospitals don't do them for outpatients. I may have to switch the whole care to another infusion company if they do mid lines in house, which gives me anxiety since the old place was so good and why mess with a good thing? But if I have to, I have to.  And so I wait. Not quite patiently waiting is an understatement, my friend.  I think I am headed to the lab. Or maybe the drugstore. If that is positive then to the lab. I mean, if a stick was neg yesterday and then positive today, it would have to be the hcg rising and not the hcg still in my system right. Unless its an old crappy test. Hmmm. Welcome to my world of self torture. I normally live in a peaceful world. I have too much time on my hands, lol.