When Enough is Enough and The Peace That Surpasses All Understanding

I appreciate the responses to my last post. TEBB is never fun. But...I'm okay. It was a clear sign. I don't like ambiguity. I know my hormones are great. I know the TEBB is the result of infection. I know our Chlamyd.ia infection is resistant to everything we've thrown it's way.

I know we could still try. We have only tried 2 cycles since our late Aug treatment. Sept was 30 days of  antibiotics. I believe we tried in October, in November I missed my fertile signs so we didn't try. In December we tried one time after seeing what I thought was TEBB and then were on Cipro the rest of the cycle. In January we tried for the second cycle. It's already February, and here I am in the fertile phase again.

Given our history, there is a decent chance that we would get pregnant this cycle trying. But, also given our history, there is a decent chance we will miscarry. Do I know the exact percent? Of course not. But I feel like we passed the tipping point in my mind. Like 55% miscarriage, 45% fine. Is there still a chance things would be fine. Of course. But I am not good with chances like 55/45. I am just not.

Is it for the right reasons or the wrong reasons? I have asked myself this. I have prayed about it. And you know what I have? Peace. I have had peace about quitting since June. We did full treatment in NY, but I didn't have too. I didn't feel desperation. I felt like I was open to it, and my dh lead us and I was happy to follow. I had realistic expectations after talking to some amazing gals that did the Hilgers/Toth route before me. I knew it wasn't necessarily our ace in the hole. No guarantees. We don't regret going. Honestly. We don't feel like we were owed something because we went.

Some thoughts in my head have been 'Is continuing to try better or worse for my marriage?' Dh and I can only be together during fertile times. We were recommended that by Dr. Toth and we did it, not because we wanted to but because it is what was healthiest for our future child. It is not good to have relations that only exist at fertile times for the purpose of procreation. It is not good to not connect in that important way at other times of the month. My dh and I have been hit some huge blows in our family and personally. My dh is struggling with shoulder pain and needs surgery; is in a job with a verbally abusive unappreciative boss he can't stand-for the last 8 years. My sister lost her husband, got caught doing meth, lost her kids. We discerned custody of the kids. These are big things. Are hearts have been heavy. We are not great experts of supporting each other and showing love when we can't be together. Yes, we need to learn to do this better, and I am reading Simcha's book on NFP (so good!) but we are real people with sin and avoiding all this time is hard. We have avoiding all 6 pregnancies including two full term. I think we've had a life time of avoiding in our 7 years of marriage. Seven years of marriage, six pregnancies. All consuming.

And when I wait those twelve weeks to see if a pregnancy will last? Time stops. It just stops. It moves so slow everyday. I live and die by blood draws. I am so emotionally drained I eat chocolate and watch tv and that's my life. I can't hardly function. That's not healthy. And really, with infection, it can cause pre-term labor and all sorts of complications at any point if not managed. So the risk never really goes away.

I also ask myself 'is it more selfish to try or to not try?' Babies in heaven is not a bad thing, necessarily. I mean, it is the goal. But if we believe a person is a person no matter how small then the pain, oh the pain of this mother's heart at parting earlier than expected. Are we not trying to avoid the pain of another loss? No. It isn't nearly that simple.

I was not a good mom to my kids during my losses. I was consumed by the pain. My last pregnancy, Nicholas, was conceived on Christmas. I bled for five long weeks. I passed his body and held it in my hands. I am still having a hard time with not giving him a proper burial. We were so taken off guard. We lost him on Valentine's Day. It is all very fresh still. I saw his fingers, you guys. His fingers!

My life is not calm. My nuclear family is always in turmoil. My dad and mom are no longer in good health due to a life of stress. My stress is not the focus of the family. It is a drop in the bucket. My stress and losses are one more thing for my mom to feel guilty about not being there for me.

My life revolves around insurance, appointments, and lots of lots of blood draws. The medicines add up in cost, and the cost of it all is beyond financial. I am tired.

I am happy for my little sister's pregnancy. She is 12 weeks-praise God! Genuine happiness. I am not sure if that would continue if I was pregnant myself, dying through the first trimester day by day. Or God forbid experiencing a loss.

Dr. Toth and Dr. Hilger's did not tell us not to try. They did say they have nothing more to offer me at this point. They did say they would throw a ridiculous amount of antibiotics at me after conception. You know what I think? I think that after the fact isn't nearly as good as prior in fixing a problem such as infection. Dr. Toth was never going to give us a post conception IV again. Nope. We think I am immune to that. I already became immune to Biaxin for sure. So it was going to be Zithromax alone and hope it works. Lots and lots of Zithromax. Around 1000 mg (the max). Until I can't take it anymore either. And we don't even know if that will work? Not to mention where will that leave me in the future when I get something like, God forbid, the MRSA my dad has? Is there such thing as being resistant to difluca.n? I don't want to find out. I take it monthly now and so does dh. My stomach is strong as can be against these antibiotics, it's amazing. But the yeast...Did I mention HCG shots? If I got pregnant, not only would I continue the four progesterone shots in my hips (2 shots, 2 cc each, twice a week for the entire pregnancy), but Dr. Hilgers wants me to give myself HCG shots in my stomach throughout the pregnancy as well. Just in case. Due to so many losses. I don't mind needles, but that is so much. I remember Dr. Hilgers trying to comfort me when we had our phone consult. He told me women with eight losses had gone on to conceive. Let's just say I didn't feel better. That is fine for them, they have that right. But I didn't plan on letting it get to that point!

So what's changed? This was always the plan since Aug, no IV after conception. And HCG shots. My sister didn't just get pregnant. My life didn't just now get crazy. My husband and my marriage didn't just now get stressed. I could go on and on. Except one thing. One thing changed that changes everything. The TEBB is back. And that's enough. The scales have tipped in favor of miscarriage, and that isn't a risk I am willing to take. It doesn't feel like a decision made out of fear. To try feels like a decision made out of desperation for us. To throw everything and the kitchen sink at it, Andrea's words-God love her, is possible. But not desirable. I just don't feel I need to know I did everything. Even though we basically did. You know what I feel? Peace. And a bit of freedom and excitement about what might be in store for us. And that, my friends, only comes from God. Because that sure as hell isn't me talking! :)









have made it no secret on my blog that I feel at peace. I am grateful

TEBB Back

Despite our expensive treatment and currently being on the 6th month of cyclical antibiotics, the tail end brown bleeding is most definitely back. While I only had two observations in one day, it is enough. Dh and I have notified Dr. Hilgers during the cycle review correspondence. I have already taken clomid for this cycle, and ordered more hcg (which is a pain-more on that later) so if we are advised to not ttc, it will be another month of avoiding. At this point we are only together during fertile times, a very difficult state to have maintained the last six months. We are already trying to prayerfully discern what to do if given the choice with no guidance. My dh might just need to know we've done everything, even if everything means another miscarriage. I don't know that for sure, but I sense he isn't quite at the point I am at. I am trying to meet him where he is at, whatever that means. I would lie if I didn't tell you there have been tears. Not tears over TEBB. Nope. The tears are over the possibility of another loss. Seeing the last baby I lost rocked me to my core. It was unexpected. We weren't prepared. I had thought the baby already passed. We had no plan. It is difficult to think back on. I still see Nicholas' tiny body on the tissue. It's been a hard week for sure.

Family drama continues. Dh feels strongly we can support the children, but not bring them into our home. We have our own stresses, etc. It feels selfish, but I get it. It isn't selfish to put your marriage and children first. Their case meeting was postponed to next week due to weather. Their mother still strongly

Lots going on. Prayers always appreciated. I am fine, I really am, but we all need them, right?

And p.s. moms, how great is this? http://catholicmom.com This is exactly feeling like me most days-between the hamster wheel, feeling I am neglecting the kids, the distraction and open tabs and half finished things, and list that goes to the floor, and what in the world did I spend my day doing? lol. So enjoy. And your welcome.