tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5041950456936596342024-02-21T11:34:54.387-06:00Life from Inside the WheelbarrowI am on the journey we are all called to-to accept God's will and perfect love. Whether I am white knuckling it with my eyes shut tight or standing up with my arms outstretched enjoying the ride, I try always to let God be the driver and not bail out the side when there are bumps (like IF!). On good days, I trust He won't run me into a tree. :)WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.comBlogger328125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-73441397035279958182017-03-18T15:31:00.002-05:002017-03-18T15:31:33.876-05:00Not a TemperatureWhat a strange thing to be writing here again under these conditions. Pregnancy. Something I thought was long in my rearview mirror. Though in some ways I feel stupid to be surprised. I am a lazy charter. That's what happened to us when we became perpetual avoiders against our will combined with sporadic if any ovulation. I only knew of one time I ovulated on my own, and I knew it the second it was occurring. I figured it was a rare event, ending in my most recent loss two years ago. So even "healing" didn't' mean total healing and wasn't to be. And yet, here I am again.<br />
<br />
And while I am in a very familiar place for the 8th time, still some things are new. Like how late I tested, my best guess is P+18. I was near the time I should have started my period, and the only reason I tested was because I was packing for a spring break trip and then I saw the tampons. The movie, This is Forty, played in the next room and the main character is unexpectedly pregnant. I tested for no real reason, I keep them around sometimes to confirm I am not pregnant. But the line that appeared immediately was not the test line like I initially thought, but the other line. The pregnant line. Dark and fast. I checked to see if they were expired. No, but still CVS brand. No reason to get excited unless I confirm.<br />
<br />
I still took the stick to my husband, lying on the bed. Held it out with no words, but when he looked at me I couldn't help but smile. But then ashamed of my goofy smile, I turned away, not knowing what to feel yet unable to stop smiling. "What?" he asked not fully looking. "Do you have a temperature?" While the colors of pink and white def resembled our thermometer, I had to laugh. This was too large, and much bigger of an event.<br />
<br />
I told him I didn't believe it and was going to CVS for an expensive one. I thought it was open 24 hrs, but thankfully got there 10 min before it closed. It was confirmed. There wasn't much sleep to be had that night, despite the busy next day ahead.<br />
<br />
I was supposed to work this Tues, though not the norm, to wrap up a work audit. Instead I called Dr. Hilgers and my local ob. I was happy to have quick responses back from both. A 1pm appt with Dr. Snider-there they confirmed the pregnancy and did Dr. H's stat HCG. Unfortunately we couldn't mail off the progesterone because the two labs in town no longer did it. I did find one that still did, but too late (St. Luke's South). I was able to get the prog suppositories and Prog in oil from the local CVS (non compounded, those are excluded from my plan). I had never started on both of those from the start, to my recollection suppositories only came once and later. HCG was called in, but I was told not to start it yet. And it was a pain to deal with. My insurance covered it but not really, subject to $5750 out of pocket before it was covered 100%. Before then nothing, so $1200. Kubats $275 was high and not welcome until later by comparison.<br />
<br />
My HCG wasn't in until our plane landed in Surprise, AZ. 1100. A good number. A similar number to Charlie and Michael assuming the same time (my peak day I had identied was only 8 days prior and not likely peak so we were blind, going off first day of last period). 4 weeks 4 days is what we called it. My prog was 9, sad but not unexpected. i had no post peak support. I would hope it rises with all the support, if not then it was time to worry.<br />
<br />
The antibiotic was called in Friday (my pos test was Mon). It was Zith this time, new I believe. They said Dr. Toth usually supplements the IV with this, but it can be effective on its own and I know I am not immune to it. It was Thurs before I realized I was only taking one a day when the bottle said two. I could kick myself.<br />
<br />
Dh had not much hope to start, what reason do we have to expect another outcome?But I feel unusually optimistic, even from the start. Maybe its the lack of numbers to spook me, I can't get any more HCGs, so I don't even know if it doubled (but assume it did, I only had one that didn't double, most triple right away and look great even my losses). My prog isn't due ago be drawn gain until Tues (today is Sat, I have known for almost two weeks and am over 6 weeks today). By then I will have had an ultrasound, though the doc himself is doing it so it often leads to more uncertainty. I will be 6 w 4 days and by then had strong heartbeats with both my living sons; however a day or two off and he could see nothing. So while I hope to be out of the woods by that appt, I more expect a wait and see, perhaps to confirm the worst.<br />
<br />
I have symptoms beyond just the prog. Prog makes me tired and hungry. I take naps and go to bed early. I don't know if I took naps so much this early with others. I will try to see if I noted that. My chest is sore. But beyond that, I am winded and I know there is increased blood flow, something I don't think prog could ever mimic. It seems real.<br />
<br />
There are some fears. I am 38 1/2 putting me higher risk and increasing my chance of DS. I wasn't on a prenatal so for once the risk of spina bifida is there. And what if healing this time means longer healing, but not total healing? Thus a 20 week loss? Or a 38 week stillborn? But those thoughts came and went once. They didn't really remain. I continue, with the exception of the very dreary dark weather day we returned from AZ, to be at peace with whatever. I have people praying-mostly those that are from out of state, but a few I know would really want to know and pray (Bekah, Becca, Ly). I had trouble telling others. My mom has a stress induced condition and would die to know I kept this from her as a result. I just told one of three sisters yesterday. I am not afraid to tell or not tell. It just seems weird. The words don't want to come out on the phone, in person, or any other way. I told my BF first. She missed my call and sent a text frantic it was about my mom. "oh no, mom is fine, no need to call. I am just pregnant". She called right away. Ha!<br />
<br />
So that is the update on things. I pray the novena to St. Jude and St. Joseph daily. And I continue the Holy Spirit prayer asking to accept God's will. My friend who offered the St. Gerard relic when someone was done with it doesn't know, but Ly turned out to be the friend that has it. And she is due any day and told me she would get that to me. So that is an awesome Godincidence. :) I am continuing to wait and see and appreciate the prayers in the meantime and have been grateful for distractions like our trip, my work, and my family.WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-38381438023598270112015-12-15T20:59:00.003-06:002015-12-15T20:59:32.016-06:00My Five Year Old <div class="MsoNormal">
Anthony was the most wonderful surprise because he came so
easily. We were so excited to have a sibling for Charlie, and when he was born
my cheeks hurt from grinning. “Two boys” is all I kept saying. We didn’t know
what we were having, and to have a brother for Charlie was a dream come
true!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ was huge compared to Charlie. A pound heavier, an inch
longer, and rather than working his way up to a full blown cry he transitioned
immediately to the loudest of wails. He learned to get what he wanted quickly,
and what he wanted was to be fed every 2 hrs for 9 months. After he refused a
bottle for 13 hrs for my mom at 9 months, he was busted. I would comfort him,
but not feed him in the night after that, which he decided wasn’t worth waking
for. But that was when we knew what we were in for with AJ. This child knows
perseverance. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ was a great easy baby. Unless he didn’t like something.
And then he learned how to let you know very young. When AJ has reached his
limit of anything, you know it. And he wants everyone around to know it too. He
has been carried out of mass stiff as a board before. He has laid down on the
grocery store floor in protest more than once. Anthony is a firecracker. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He was born ready to go. He jumps up in the morning and put
his clothes on immediately. Shoes too! I don’t think they come off until the
end of the day. He likes to know things ahead of time and be prepared. Like
when he was about to change preK classrooms and he wanted me to teach him how
to read and tie his shoes before preK began.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the same time he is so laid back. He is a willing
participant in most any scheme Charlie imagines. Charlie knows just how to get
him excited and give him enough to pull him in. AJ is very good natured. If
someone needs to step up and give up something because there isn’t enough, AJ
is the first to give something over to Charlie. He loves his big brother very
much, but he definitely knows how to hold his own against Charlie, an important
skill for a younger brother. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ does things on his own terms, and he knows what he likes
and doesn’t like. Mostly he loves sports. Playing them. Watching them. Acting
them out with characters. Scores are very important to AJ. He assumes they are
very important to everyone else, which is why he updates me on the score of the
real or fake game every single time it changes. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ likes to high five with his forehead to your hand,
exploding upward. I think that sums him up well. When he was one, we used to
say we were a little bruised up from his strong forms of affection <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span> AJ is extremely
athletic and tough. AJ is really naturally talented and having a sports loving
dad and big brother don’t hurt. While Charlie started basketball at 5 and had
to adjust to a bigger ball and 8 ft goal, AJ has been dribbling and playing on
that size goal for a year or more. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ rarely cries from pain. He is crazy fast and can tackle
with the best of them. He can send Charlie to his knees crying, intentionally
or unintentionally, and then give me the look like “why is he crying again?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ is competitive and believes in people following the
rules. AJ loves board games and picked up things like Sorry and Monopoly Jr
when he was barely four. AJ does not like losing, but that’s okay because he
doesn’t lose that often. AJ takes his job to keep Charlie honest seriously. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ loves the wildcats. In fact, AJ wants to be a wildcat. He
wants to play football for K-state and he knows he can’t do that until he is
18. Which brings us to what AJ doesn’t like-being little. Everyday he laments
the fact that he is not 18. To the point of crying in bed. We tried to help him
have a more attainable goal by counting down to football season. And counting
down to Halloween when he would dress up like a football player. AJ is so
serious about being a wildcat football player, that when Craig exercises AJ
will join him. He will do the entire workout series from beginning to end,
because he thinks it will help him reach his goal. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ is legalistic. He knows that Charlie is two years older
than him, and while he doesn’t love that, he accepts it. Until he realized
Charlie was turning 7 and he wouldn’t be 5 for another month. Which was
absolutely the most unfair thing in the entire world. At least once a day, when
it crossed his mind, we would relive the pity party. He totally thinks he is
one of the big kids and has asked me for playdates with Charlie’s classmates as
well as various sports figures. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ doesn’t worry much, but when he does it is things like “what
if another team picks me that isn’t k-state and then I will have to ‘reverse;
k-state?!” There is nothing more tragic. Except maybe playing for the Jayhawks.
AJ does not like the Jayhawks. Unlike Charlie who will try to root for KU if
they aren’t playing a team he likes better only because he feels everyone is
ganging up on me in this house, AJ is clear as can be he will never under any
circumstances root for KU.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ doesn’t mind marching to the beat of his own drum, and
Craig and I have no influence in some areas. Like when we went to watch the
Chiefs played the Seahawks and AJ learned that Tyler Lockett played for the
Seahawks. While Craig and Charlie rooted for both teams, AJ could be heard
loudly booing the Chiefs in their own stadium. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ is super smart and could walk around quoting math
problems all day, but he’d rather watch a highlight video than have a bedtime
story any day. AJ is affectionate, but he is less likely to have calm snuggle
time. He is too busy for that. For a long time we’d have to put in a show and
sneak some love, but thankfully that has changed!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ is his own kid. He is a dream come true. He will always
be my baby, but it seems he is growing at twice the speed his brother did. AJ
may have some strong dislikes, but when he decides he wants to do something he
is all in. He went from not likely mass to saying the rosary in the adoration
chapel and then attending weekday mass with me upon request. There is no one
I’d rather have in my corner. He has the biggest capacity to love and persevere.
He is shooting for the stars, and we have no doubt he will accomplish anything
he puts his mind to! Even if that means the NFL!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-37003230761154922182015-12-15T20:58:00.003-06:002015-12-15T20:58:47.677-06:00My 7 year old <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-33079181689728919802015-12-15T20:56:00.002-06:002015-12-15T20:58:15.821-06:00The Current State of ThingsWhile I considered myself having infertility (only through major meds could we even get pregnant), I had not experienced all types. Most notably, on meds, I could get pregnant QUICKLY. As in 1-3 cycles like textbook Hilgers if nothing is wrong. So I did not experience the disappointment of cycle after cycle. Additionally, for whatever reason, I did not experience the frustration and jealously of others with large families, friends around me getting pregnant, etc. However, recently, I have a burning sting about those who are pregnant. Happy for them, but sad for me. This is new. It isn't constant, thankfully. I go through phases. And my baby, oh you guys, my baby is so big! Kindergarten next year but already five. Not to mention TALL. Not to mention he thinks he is seven like his brother. He is growing up at lightening speed. Just lightening speed!<br />
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And this is my 7 year old...<br />
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<br />
I can't get pregnant. I can, physically, get pregnant with meds (at least most likely if nothing has changed). But I can't, because if I do, we will have another loss. I am as certain as anyone can be certain of anything. Sometimes I wonder if this is wrong, acting out of fear. But then I remind myself it isn't fear of the unknown, it is fact based on experience. And while God can and certainly does sometimes choose to bless people with miracles, I also know I am not called to conceive as many children as possible to try and have one that would stick. So we avoid. And we look into adoption. And in the past it has caused some stress and tension. And for the most part I wonder if it isn't a bad idea to put dh so far out of his comfort zone. I know without a doubt that I should not and will not putt having more children above my marriage and created that kind of stress for us. Particularly lately, I don't know if we are really strong enough to handle it.<br />
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My husband and I are different. I want to adopt for what we could give as much as what we could get. I have a PhD in special education. I am scared, yes, but open to God's will in expanding our family.<br />
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My husband is a good man. Not much disability exposure. Fear of the unknown. Understandably a little skiddish and selfish. He wants a baby. A girl. Healthy. Young. And yet, he doesn't want to pay a ton of money (honestly, we could if we needed). He doesn't want a long or stressful process. He thinks we have been through enough of all that with miscarriages. He wants a child easily or no child. If no child, not ideal, but happy with what we have. And he doesn't want to be an "old dad" so he wants it all now.<br />
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I am also happy with what we have. I selfishly want a child, but I also have fears. Fears of things being hard. Fears of stressful times ahead. Typical kiddos are hard. Kids with high needs or kids you will care for the rest of your life to one degree or another are hard. But I know through some of these things, if God's will, then we grow stronger. We are meant to grow. So I am scared, but willing.<br />
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Where dh and I disagree is that this life should be easy. He feels he works hard, there should be the monetary reward he has. He doesn't think we should spend to the point we are stressed about money. My thought is life is too easy right now folks. We have been incredibly blessed. We aren't doing enough. We will have to account for how we used these resources.<br />
<br />
So this difference turned into a total impasse when his new job required so much travel we couldn't attend the other five foster classes to get certified. And I was totally okay with that. And then he changed jobs again (so rare for him) and with job change is stress. The travel ended, but he is busy learning something new. And I knew it wasn't the right time.<br />
<br />
Slowly, I am giving away our baby stuff. Mostly toys I know the kids in foster care need and would use. Nothing earth shattering like the crib. But as I tried to give something away the other day, dh stopped me. He asked, if you think we aren't done having kids, why give things away? Or something to that effect. He asked if I was 100% sure we were done. Well no, I said, as long as you are still open to it. So now I am sort of surprised, but he is. I know God is leading me to just be patient, and if it is meant to happen it will happen. But it will not happen by me dragging dh into things. This has to be his idea. Like New York. I almost can't care. And God has helped me find that line. To be somewhat impartial, seeing benefits to both sides. Appreciate what we have, yet hoping for more. Open to life, and yet discerning if it is right. Knowing with certainty that it isn't good for my marriage to push, and I would rather accept what we have and be done than to put that at risk. I wonder if God intentionally has put all these super scary stories about adoptions that fall through and difficult circumstances in my path. I think He wants me to know my own fears and weaknesses and that this path isn't to be taken lightly.<br />
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Did I tell you a woman recently gave me some rock to mix with milk from where Mary breastfed Jesus? And there is a prayer for healing and a baby. You guys, I almost couldn't believe it myself but I did not want to touch that powder with a ten foot pole. I had to call a good friend who has never been pregnant (she used to be a FertilityCare practitioner) who long ago discerned that having kids any other way wasn't for her. She totally got it when I hardly got it myself. So then I mentioned it to dh and he said, "great, let's do it." And you know what? I thought, wow, I should follow his lead. And then I never did. It sits in a pile on my desk. You all, infertility is a weird weird thing. Many days I don't eve know what to say about my own emotions. I am sure I would be a field day for a shrink! :)<br />
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I thought my children were done asking for a sibling (used to be daily), but it came up again. They want one so bad! Both of them asked again and started up the conversation. They really want an infant, differ on gender. I was glad dh heard the convo this time. It usually is just me. They know any baby won't come from my belly without a miracle, but of course they don't care how one is conceived. They just know they want one. Or think they want one :)<br />
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I recently was asked to speak on Napro to a mom's group. I accepted. I know that I will have to put a long time and a lot of thought and prayer into such a talk. i haven't done one since we have lost the three since Anthony. And dh has some anger there, issues to resolve and he will no longer speak on it with me. So if you think about, please say a prayer that I say what those young moms and families need to hear.<br />
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How's that for all over the place randomness after all this time not writing? Keenly aware I never posted funeral pics too. It's just one of those things, I will when I feel like pulling them out...<br />
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<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-20434161728551660412015-02-21T10:31:00.000-06:002015-02-21T10:31:15.356-06:00My Dh and a Huge Prayer RequestI will post about the funeral shortly, but right now I want to talk about my dh. Through this pregnancy, he was excited and also worried just like I was. The only difference was he was working up to 85 hrs (his busiest time) as he is a Controller for a Fortune 500 company and in charge of all their filings with the SEC. He didn't have the luxury of the two girl's nights I had last week where I felt so loved. Or in receipt of all the wonderful Facebook, blog, and text messages of support in prayer. the flowers that were sent to me. He is removed from the comfort, but not the pain.<br />
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He continues to burn the candle at both ends. He came to two doc appts for heartbeats. He came to as much of my D&C as he was able. He barely got 45 minutes off for the funeral. While I took the whole day off and was able to go out to lunch with a friend after. He is not only working, but also looking for another job. He is the only candidate right now for the ideal position-and the worst timing ever. He preps for interviews, works, and comes home to prep for interviews again. Even though he likely has this position (he wowed the CFO on the first interview), since then he has flown to Portland to interview with 5 people back to back (with a parent company). That was last weekend. Then Thursday, he had an interview before he went to work with HR, and then with the other parent company after work. This Sunday we thought he would have to fly to Denver for the last interview, but the snowstorm made that delayed. And while he is ready to get it all over with, I know this was God's timing. He continues to do his best to support me and be an awesome dad throughout all of this.<br />
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Earlier this week, around Tuesday and Wednesday, I was having a small pity party. I didn't want to do Lent. I felt like I was already at the end of forty long days of sacrifice and self denial. I was in the desert. But a post from a friend on a miscarriage support group changed my thinking. She posted a Love Dare. Immediately I got excited. I have been thinking about dh and his sacrifice for our family. How emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained he is. My focus has changed to what can I do for him this Lent to show my love and appreciation?<br />
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Three and a half years ago I went on an incredible retreat. It wasn't great timing, but I went anyway. I took my 6 month old with me. It fed my soul! I also met some incredible people I still have relationships with. I prayed dh would have this experience, but he kept putting it off. I stopped bringing it up and started nagging God instead. This year, I about fell out of the pew when he told me he wanted to sign up. He had the caveat that if work got crazy he would have to back out. I understood. When the interview came up, I understood. But now that is pushed back, and he is free to attend.<br />
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One of the most powerful parts of the retreat is at the end. That is when you hear, really realize, how many people have been praying for you all weekend. And then the letters pour in. letters of encouragement, appreciation, and prayer. It's so wonderful to receive these. I sort of dropped the ball on the fact that I am actually to get others to write these letters as well. I had forgotten that part. But I got so excited, realizing this was exactly what dh needs right now. And so I sent a plea out to those I thought would be interested. And the response has been incredible. You are part of that plea. If you would pray for my dh this weekend, I would so greatly appreciate it! He needs this relationship with God. He needs to lean on Him. He needs to be rejuvenated. And He needs to understand how losing this baby fits with the idea of a loving and merciful God.<br />
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Thank you so much for all your prayers and kind words. But if at least for this weekend, you could direct those at my dh, it would mean so much! Any comments left below will copied and shared with him. Thanks in advance!WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-26852814811949389212015-02-18T10:44:00.002-06:002015-02-18T10:44:31.223-06:00Mentally and Physically ExhaustedI am sorry for the absence. While I have the time, I don't seem to have the energy to do much.<br />
<br />
Friday was my D&C. For those of you that didn't see my update, sweet Charlie broke me that morning. He came and sat on my lap. He told me with great excitement, that he knew why I was having surgery. "It's to fix your belly, so you can have lots and lots of cute babies!" He was clearly proud. I looked him in the eyes and hugged him, and gently corrected him. "No, baby. It isn't that. I wish though. Actually, the doctors told mommy that I won't be able to have more babies because of my belly. Any babies we have will be those whose mommy's and daddy's can't take care of them."Well, here I had not wanted to drop the bomb of the baby dying before school or bed, so we were waiting until Saturday. And, of course, this was equally devastating to him. He went to school (I found out today) and told his teacher immediately. She said, "I am sorry. I know that's very sad for you." His reply was, "yes, but more so for mom." He is such a beautiful old soul.<br />
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The surgery itself went well. Since it wasn't until 1pm, I had a busy morning. Before surgery I literally ran up to the church and talked to Fr. Mike (our head priest) and got him up to speed. I went to the cemetery and, since the baby had died, I could sign the paperwork and they could assign him a spot. We put Gerard and our last name, and our best guess at the day he died, 2.12.15 (The day he no longer had a heartbeat) on his headstone. I handled it all pretty well and wasn't upset. I was happy, to bury him. To think of it, I really hadn't cried hard since the day the progesterone dropped low. Just a few tears when telling people that he actually passed. I got more brochures from the cemetery to continue my mission.<br />
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Surgery went well. You know I think I have had 20 surgeries or so!. Not good, right? All minor, but still! I have had about 5 eye surgeries (lazy eye, plus one benign tumor removed), two cysts removed, at least 3 laps for endo, and this was my 5th D&C because I had one after Anthony's birth and one minor one as part of the Dr. Toth treatment. So, while I am no good with narcotics and need lots of anti nausea, we figured this out long ago and they compensated just fine. There was a little tension prior to surgery. Dr. Snider had told me I could take the baby with me, but then the nurse told me pathology needed him. I told Dr. Snider, and he fought the lab who were insisted I come back for baby Tuesday. The nurse was clearly worried they would forget and dispose. Doctor said basically, look, I have done this before. Take a sample now. Do what you need from this, but she is taking the baby now. He clarified again we weren't looking for any testing, only whatever may be required by the hospital.<br />
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As a result, we brought our baby home. The container looked like a small margarine container, solid white and in then that was in a bag. We were told the refrigerator or freezer would be best, and since we had an empty freezer in our garage that is where we stored the baby. I snuck out to the garage at least a few times since to kiss the baby while I am able.<br />
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I continued to not be that upset. My mom had made us dinner, and taken care of the boys during the surgery. My dad had driven me, and dh came for all he could (before, during, and then left after the doctor came to talk to him). His work is so nuts and stressful. Ugh.<br />
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My in laws had plans to come in town for the weekend before they knew. In fact, I told her only that morning before my surgery. We were glad they were still coming and she helped a lot with kids and cleanup. We enjoyed their company and distraction and they loved on the boys.<br />
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Recovery went very well. I have continued to have very little bleeding, and only wore a pad the first day of surgery. One ob/gyn told me the little bleeding was due to him cauterizing my cervix. I wonder if this obgyn did the same? I must have had decent IV meds that lasted, because I didn't feel raw and sore inside until Sunday morning. It lasted about 24-36 hrs and was alright with a few ibuprofen.<br />
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We told Charlie and AJ that we were pregnant and the baby had died Saturday morning. It was short and sweet. After we gave them stuffed animals for their Valentines. They handled it well. Charlie, later when he was hungry and crabby, commented he didn't like the name (which has changed now). He said he wanted a girl, and also wanted the baby to be named Jack. We explained why it was important to us to have him be Gerard, then I got the idea that Charlie could provide the middle name (we didn't give any of our losses middle names). He didn't think Jack sounded good as a middle name, he thought about Seven, and finally settled on Nike. I looked it up and it means victory, which is fitting. I will explain why in another post.<br />
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Saturday day Charlie has his last basketball game for winter season. Dh is coaching, which is awesome. No one there knew, and it was pretty normal. My in laws were great, but I can't say it didn't get a little awkward with them this weekend. First, they are Lutheran. They have very similar beliefs to us if you go with one of their subjects, the other is into women priests (American? I don't know...) However, I said something about purgatory (not in relation to our babies, but us) and realized too late I hit on a difference. I just held my tongue when FIL said it wasn't in the bible and Jesus dying on the cross was all that was needed. Sigh. I didn't have it in me to get into it. It only got more awkward from there when FIL asked why the heck we didn't put my eggs with dh's sperm in a surrogate. So I had to explain (on my own, dh was somewhere else) that it was against our belief system because it separates creation of child from the act, that it wouldn't fix our problem, that it is costly, that it often leads to weeding out of fertilized embryos, that it didn't have particularly high rates of success. And that we were just plain done when it came to a bio child. Dh and I agree we are glad they are comfortable enough to ask, so that the silver lining.<br />
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We asked about my SIL that is ttc since married (her dh was married before and had a child and then a vasectomy that they reversed last Sept). I know she is sad with each month passing. She emailed us and said she was sorry about our loss, and then could she host a weight loss home based business party in our house? She would call us tonight. Um, not now, but thanks. We are a bit overwhelmed with everything at the moment. She said they are moving on to IVF if they don't get pregnant soon on their own. (dh and sibling were all raised Catholic-dad was Catholic and mom was Lutheran. Dad passed when dh, oldest, was 12. Mom remarried Lutheran 5 yrs later. all local family is Lutheran. Sister doesn't attend church anymore. Dh went to RCIA when met me and got confirmed before proposing. His other brother found God during NA, but since moving closer to us he has stayed clean but hasn't attended a church).<br />
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We went ahead and did our annual tradition for Valentine's day (we at the fancy restaurant dh proposed to me in. For much more fun reading see my post from after the fact<a href="http://tool4god-myjourneywithgod.blogspot.com/2008/12/engaged.html" target="_blank"> here</a>) but made it an early night. Happy to see that night Gaffigan is coming to town this summer, so fun to think ahead when things will be lighter around here.<br />
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Sunday, when I started feel raw, I also started feeling a little snappy. I hadn't heard from Fr. Mike about a funeral date, and had expected to Saturday. I saw Fr. Edward after mass, and it was clear that Fr. Mike hadn't talked to him yet. Which left it on me to tell him the baby was for sure gone, had surgery, waiting to hear from Fr. Mike re prayer service in response to all his specific questions I wasn't expecting to answer in the lobby. I lost it. Poor father. And dh came running up because he was over talking to someone else. Sometimes it hits me when I don't expect it, you know? I lost it again walking out of church, big sobs.<br />
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Fr. Gerard called Sun pm. After being in Phillipines for a family matter, he had been on retreat. He is back and talked to Fr. Mike. We find out he will do the service Ash Wed at noon (prayer service-a mass would be too long for dh to miss work over lunch) and committal at the grave site. Fr. Edward wants to come as well, which is incredibly sweet, so he was able to switch masses with the head priest (Fr. Mike) to cover his ash Wed lunch mass so we can do this. Everyone is being incredibly sweet and accommodating. Of course, it is going to be insanely cold on Wed...we decided not to pull kids from school to attend. We will take them to the grave when the headstone is done to see where he is.<br />
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Monday and Tuesday my oldest was off school, which was awesome. I took AJ to preK for half day Monday (they are always open because they do aftercare for school age) so C could have a play date. When I turned on the tv, it jumped to Horton from last night, the boy asked if that was for AJ. Charlie very matter of factly explained that our baby died, his name was Gerard, I got to name his middle name, and we watched the movie in honor of him because a person is a person no matter how small. Wow. I didn't see that all spilling out. So I emailed his mom and explained and apologized. I had told Charlie before, but reiterated it's okay to talk about it, and if you are feeling sad it is best to seek out a grown up you trust.<br />
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My friend who thought her daughter may have down syndrome or some other trisomy that might result in a still born got her amnio results Monday. The immediate results said none of those, so they are waiting the rest of the results to come in. Thank you for praying for her.<br />
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Monday, I called the funeral home and they said it wasn't too late to add a middle name to the stone, so Nike it is. Regarding the funeral today, none of my family is coming. And while I said I don't care and thought I meant it, I really do care. I am trying to be charitable about it and not judge the reasoning, but am mostly hurt by my mom (whose reasoning was she was baby-sitting KT, now KS's son). As if no one else can do that. And my dad as well, who didn't seem to think it was necessary to rely to my invitation at all. I really can't say anything to my dh or sisters about it or it fuels an ongoing issue where they feel defensive of me...I completely know friends would come if we asked, I have the most incredible IRL friends and online support so it isn't that. I decided before I invited my family that all I need there for me is dh. He is enough. And so if they want to come for them, no problem. But my mom-it hurts a little.<br />
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Tuesday we ran a ton of errands (including picking up the baby's container), and also did some donating to a great organization for foster care and kid's at risk for being removed. I am so proud of my boys, who gave their sleeping bags to kids that have no beds (7 kids in a double wide trailer, no money, plus lice now to boot. The girls are getting bullied for their clothes-please pray for them!)<br />
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Today my day began with a rosary for a young man my age, dad of 4 (including a newborn) that has colon cancer. Please keep him in your prayers. I was able to go to the early mass, so now I need to prepare for the funeral. Thank you again for all your support and prayers.WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-80694627341594614272015-02-12T22:02:00.002-06:002015-02-13T08:07:57.825-06:00This One Won't Be the Same...Updated...because my baby Gerard will have a proper burial. I found out, after my last post, from AJ's godmother that the local Catholic cemetary (read as 2 seconds from my house) did burials for an insanely reasonable amount. Honestly, I believe the idea of a funeral entered my head with past babies, but I assumed it would be outrageously expensive. I also assumed my husband wouldn't go for it, and it would be a fight. So I didn't go there. A decision made from lack of information.<br />
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When something terrible happens, people don't want to discuss it. I am no exception. It is just recently that I have opened up to a fellow blogger, my mom, and some friends that when I passed Nicholas (loss #4), I had him in my hands. I didn't expect it. I was early. He was perfect. I was in awe and simultaneously terrified. I didn't know what to do. I had no plan. My husband didn't know what to do. He was totally freaked out. It was winter, a fire was going. I knew people buried babies on their land. I have two digging up worms type of boys and a large German Shepherd. I didn't feel comfortable with that. I didn't love it, but I considered us cremating the baby. It was better than flushing the baby down the toilet with the rest. Before then I had two D&C's after losses and one loss very early where nothing was discernible. This was different. I was so unprepared. Due to fear, and lack of information, my baby went knowingly back in the toilet. It makes me want to throw up. It really was our dirty little secret. I felt like a pro life fraud. I felt alone. No support in that area of my loss. </div>
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But this baby will be different. After my friend telling me, I called. And yesterday I heard back. Yes, they have a program. Just a few years old or so, so not around for my first two losses. For a mere $75, you can have a service if you like, a 12x12 plot, and a 12x12 headstone engraved with the baby's name and date. They supply the container and everything you need. And you know what? You can bring the baby in yourself, so if you pass the baby at home that is totally fine. I just assumed there were rules against that sort of thing! The baby is buried in their Memorial garden for miscarriage and stillborns (there are more rules so the cost is more for stillborns-$300 and you do your own headstone, which someone shared with me can be done cheaply through a link I will try to remember to come back and supply). The garden has the Infant of Prague statue. It is beautiful. There is a wall where all the names are engraved again. And it is right off my street the way I pass at least twice a day, and this area is right where I can see from the road. I can hardly believe it exists, and yet, what I really can't believe is how I didn't know about it. After I talked to the woman I went and saw for myself. This Catholic cemetery, so beautiful. Clearly valuing life. The Knights have a memorial to all the victims of abortion. It is just incredible. </div>
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Well, you know I am a woman on a mission now. I took pamphlets and they are already gone. I am telling my doctor (Catholic pro life, never said a word before). I am telling my mother, who is a social worker at the hospital. I am telling my priests. I already had it announced at the arch diocesan bible study and I can't tell you how many women will be reached. Laura H said based on the response to her announcement this was very new information to most. I am sure. My mom lost a 20 week old and she was never able to have a funeral. So sad!</div>
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Gerard will be at rest so close! Likely where dh and I will be buried. While I wish they were all there, I can't change the past. I can only help others who don't know. </div>
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Tomorrow I have a D&C. It is fast, I know. But I decided on one recently for several reasons, some good and some not. First, my children and I are doing the swimming thing March 1. I can swim 2 weeks post operation per my doctor's office. I could swim if I did it natural, but I probably wouldn't want to. I have bled before for a long time. It is hard to see that blood. It is painful emotionally. I am a control person. I don't like not knowing where or when. When it gets bad, it's heavy blood and cramping. I don't want that to sneak up on my when I am with my kids. I have bad memories of doing it at home with Nicholas. And Michael, my first. I had a D&C with Michael, but it was scheduled so far out I did pass all but Michael at home. I was more than 10 weeks, it was a ton of blood and very scary. I wasn't prepared, thinking I would not do this at home. They kept asking me how much blood, a pad an hour? how does one know when they can't leave the toilet?! So that was my reasoning.</div>
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Once I decided I called the doctor's office. My sono wasn't until Monday. I was curious if they thought they would get me in that Wed. Except the doc was going to be out of town all week. They let me get scanned today, and the baby had passed. Still measuring 6 weeks, so no growth in exactly 7 days. And no heartbeat. It was hard, but good. And you know the tech was Catholic and didn't know about the cemetery option? So there you go!</div>
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I got a good reflection someone shared with me I want to pass on with you, but dh is home with the antibacterial soap so I need to start prepping by showering and getting some food. I can't eat after midnight and surgery isn't until 1pm CST! Please pray for me. I know you will, and I am so comforted by that!<br />
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Update: God is purifying me by fire today. I am starving despite the cookie dough and milk at 10pm and the dinner that followed. I am such a wuss when it comes to food. But mostly because Charlie (who knows I am having surgery, has been reassured it isn't major and i am okay, and we haven't told about pregnancy because we are waiting until he is home all weekend to process it) told me this morning excitedly: "I know why you are having surgery today, mama! It's to fix your broken belly so we can have lots and lots of cute babies!" I told him we just found out recently that my broken belly isn't fixable and that no more babies will be grown in my belly; however, maybe someday we can help someone who can't take care of their own baby by raising it." This. This child! But that won't kill me as much as the people who know what is going on and make comments like the one I got this morning after a preK drop off; it was basically that she had two boys and is totally done because, you know, if she had another boy she would die. Seriously? Seriously! Even knowing our situation. And that we have two boys. Obviously we wouldn't die if we got another boy. Some people. We are put here to wake them from their obliviousness. More on that when I can write the next post. I am offering everything today up for my child's godparents, for my friend waiting for her amnio results (she is at risk for a stillborn due to a genetic condition the baby may have based on bloodwork), and for all those waiting and wanting a(nother) child. </div>
WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-84338052455012906922015-02-11T10:11:00.000-06:002015-02-11T10:27:35.339-06:00I am Not AloneYesterday wasn't the best. It was tough.<br />
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The DCF visit went fine and was over quickly. It started with a frustrating statement. She said "I thought of you yesterday regarding the story where the car was stolen with a baby inside." Honestly, how rude! Yes, a car can be stolen in 2 seconds, even with a child inside and parents standing right there as was this case. However, my car wasn't on! My keys were not it! The car was locked! Sigh. I realize I put my child at risk and won't again, but geez! Anyway, I am sure she would have rather stayed than gone on to less healthy situations she deals with day in and day out.<br />
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I received the "I am sorry you are miscarrying" email from Dr. Hilger's nurses. And Dr. Toth replied and basically said he was sorry there wasn't more he could do, but I have antibiotic resistant infection and there isn't anything else he has to give me. Essentially the result of this is we should actively avoid getting pregnant if we even have the possibility of ovulating. That sort of makes ovulating a bad thing, instead of the good thing it should be. I am also irritated because Dr. Toth knew we were basically resistant or getting resistant when we went in for treatment in NY. So what was his plan when I got pregnant? To continue to give me the abx he knows I am resistant to. Even this pregnancy he gave me those and then said he would try to find something different if the pregnancy continued. So what is this plan? Evidently it was that a miracle abx would be developed. Good grief!<br />
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I told everyone that knew yesterday. It was hard, but I feel their support and prayers.<br />
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I know some women that when a loss is going on, there is really nothing anyone can say and they find fault with nearly every well meaning response. I don't think I am that way, but I was very irritated yesterday by a seemingly well meaning response. I wasn't expecting my son's teacher at his Catholic to school to ask us if we have tried IVF. It's well meaning, yes. And completely ignorant. Ignorant because it doesn't match our issue. She is brain washed it is the cure all like everyone else. Ignorant because it isn't helpful to suggest something against the church's teaching when someone is feeling weak and vulnerable. She is culpable for sin too, in that case, I would think. And especially it's ignorant, as many Catholics are, that there is something better out there. The Creighton Model and Naprotechnology treat the cause of the problem, is data based, is proactive. So I let her know 1) it wouldn't work because it isn't for our issue 2) it bypasses the body's natural defenses to protect it from getting pregnant when something is really wrong WITHOUT FIXING WHAT'S WRONG and 3) we thought we were giving up cutting edge treatment, but we did so to be faithful Catholics. Then we were rewarded with the best irony-the 2000 yr old church houses the most cutting edge fertility treatment available thanks to Dr. Hilgers. There. See if she brings that one up again! Geez! Hopefully she left with a little more hope to offer people in the future.<br />
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Yesterday was also hard because I am researching my options and I have decided to look into burial after a friend let me know the Catholic cemetery has a spot for miscarried babies and stillborns. I assumed no such option existed and funerals would be insanely expensive. It seems that isn't necessarily the case, so I am getting the information. Perhaps I can pass this info on to my Catholic ob/gyn and my priests so that this can be brought up to others that might benefit. I can't believe this was never mentioned to me. Something I definitely want to share with others.<br />
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I realized yesterday I was especially bitter because I was fine. I was happy. We had closed that door. In that way I empathize with a friend, Rhiannon. We had accepted the cross of IF. In her case she had adopted. Was happy. Convinced to do one more try. Then pregnancy. Then loss. And the wound, which was healed, is ripped right back open. And in our case, an extra bit of salt, you are ovulating. Not good for helping keep babies around, just saved you $5 on clomid and now you have to avoid forever. Aren't you glad you spent $18k for that treatment in NY so you could do that? Ugh.<br />
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So that was yesterday. Today is a new day (Lord, your Lourdes talk at mass continues to be ironic. Maybe its another kind of healing we should shoot for!) Thanks, everyone, for letting me know I am not alone. Your prayers carry me when I can't put one foot in front of the other. Please pray for my friend, Beth. She has had two losses like us, and two kids our children's age that go to school with them. Her husband needed meds for them to conceive. They are not Catholic and he was about to have a vasectomy when she got pregnant unexpectedly (no meds for him) in Aug. They almost immediately lost the baby. They got pregnant again, and they are about 20 weeks. They opted for the early blood test for the gender and found out there was a chance of Down Syndrome. So they did another blood test, which showed increased chance of triple X or trisomy 18. This is confusing and stressful. It's a slippery slope. They are now having an amnio, because the not knowing is incredibly stressful. The chance of miscarriage with amnio is greater than the chance their child actually has one of these. I feel for them. I am grateful they are not tempted to miscarry. I wonder how many unsuspecting moms choose this test to know gender and end up with more info than they bargained for or wanted. How many abort out of fear, and their child may not have anything. God help us with these slippery slopes!<br />
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<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-38014343247321064232015-02-09T20:04:00.001-06:002015-02-10T20:17:41.009-06:00Bad Things Do Happen to Good People-and it's okaySo Sunday's readings focused on Job and the homily was why bad things happen to good people. I think it was good for dh to be reminded.And thankfully, it looks like he is going to get the job he applied for (after 5 long years of looking). And it looks to be a perfect match. If he hadn't gotten the job, I think he may have entered a very dark depression. There is only so much one person can take. It was nice to have something to be happy about. After mass, I let Fr. Edward (who did the blessing of the throats on me) know what is happening with the baby.<br />
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My mom had told me my little sister (KT-now KS) is mad at God for me. So I decided to write her a message. I wrote: I wanted to let you know I am okay. Really. You saw me on the worst day. I am at peace. My faith carries me. We can talk about it sometime, but I am definitely not mad at God. Not at all. I know how much you hate this for me. I do. and I appreciate that. Sometime we will talk more about it. I don't want you to think it's an off limits topic or you can't talk to me about the losses for fear of making me sad. I don't mind talking about my babies-living or in heaven. The goal of life isn't happiness, though there is certainly joy along the way. The goal of life is heaven. As a mother, that's the ultimate goal for my children. And so, as with every person that loses someone, I selfishly want them here. But as you well know, selfishness has no place in parenting. We give everything of ourselves for our children. I gave this baby life. God allowed dh and I a hand in co-creating this child. This brought me immense joy! And my faith tells me my lap will be full in heaven with all 7 of my beautiful babies one day! That blows my mind. I don't know why 4, likely five, were taken so soon. But I do trust God. Unlike our earthly father, our Heavenly Father is perfect. And He only desires good for me. His goal is for me to get to heaven too, and I know my babies are one of those ways. I also know the good that has come from our journey. The closeness of dh and I, the strengthening of our faith, teaching our children about loss and life and the goal of life and leading them by example. But maybe most of all using our story to teach others about God's plan, about authentic healthcare and such. We have a mutual mission that has come out of our story. It has helped make us who we are. I know you can empathize (my sister lost her fiancee and only recently remarried her best friend). God hasn't finished our tory yet. He might have adoption and fostering in our future. I am excited to see what is next. Even death is not the end of our story. That is what our faith has taught us. I love you!" She replied saying if that was my worst, wow, and how my faith is inspiring and she is proud of me. How we will talk more when I am not in the middle of it and how she will pray for a miracle. I replied and let her know that I didn't actually mean when I saw her I was at my worst, but that day, and that I the worst was hyperventilating sobs on the floor of my closet after the level was returned at 9 and then I told her about the homily since she has brought up the why do bad things happen to good people question. It was good, and just another example of how God uses our story to open doors that wouldn't normally be there. My sister doesn't attend church and her baby is unbaptized. She wasn't married in a church. So I am grateful for the conversation.<br />
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Today started with another rosary (AJ keeps asking to go!) and Chaplet of Divine Mercy in the adoration chapel. Keep in mind him asking to go doesn't mean he prays it or is particularly reverent. But he is reasonably quiet. Even if the crucifix on the rosary becomes an airplane short term. :) I dropped him at preK and noticed the Feb bible quote was Phillipians 4:6-7 (Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving make your request known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.) Next I went to mass. It was about healing again. You know where my faith fails? I fail to really beg God for a miracle and make that request known to Him. Even though I know He is capable. I just don't really doubt what He has chosen for the outcome I guess. And maybe it's too painful.<br />
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I had my scan at 11am. I was a little surprised she could still measure the heartbeat at such a low rate (50's). They may be able to see it later, but they won't be able to measure it any lower. Unless I hear differently I will keep the scan and appt with doctor on Monday. I didn't see him today. The ultrasound tech said "I hate you have to wait until there is no heartbeat to do anything." I replied "I don't mind, it leaves room for God." Not everyone in the office is as pro life as my doctor.<br />
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I have been thinking a lot about natural miscarriage versus D&C. I don't like to do a D&C with every one, but it has been about every other. It's the easy way out, and I don't mind. Somethings are okay to be easy. It means less uncertainty of when and where, and will I be at home with the kids and able to care for them. I means less fear, will I see the baby like last time? I was so unprepared and wasn't happy with the outcome. However, I don't recall the instructions. I may not be able to swim after. We have an overnight hotel booked with an indoor water park for March 1st with the boys. I want to be in the water with them. So that might factor in as well. I emailed dr. Toth. If he thinks infection will be worse as a result, I won't do it. I don't want to feed the monster.<br />
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I have thoughts about our next steps with kids too. I am mulling it all over. It may seem soon, but it helps. I will save those thoughts for another post when I can think more clearly.<br />
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Oh, and our DCF visit is tomorrow. She has to come to my home and watch me interact with my 4 yr old. Awkward. I decided we will play Bonopoly Jr (his pronunciation). It is adorable, highly entertaining, and something we do regularly. Maybe that will make it less awkward. :)WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-22265605964589076322015-02-05T14:27:00.000-06:002015-02-06T20:39:07.461-06:00My Own Version of Hell-Updated TwiceExcuse the dramatics, it's been one hell of a 24 hrs.<br />
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A moment ago the local ob/gyn's nurse called with my progesterone level. (Recall I have no PPVI levels this entire pregnancy because no lab would ship. However, I found a lab that will ship recently and will do a draw tomorrow). Normally non-Hilgers labs are worthless because the range of normal is incredibly wide due to lab variability. Unfortunately my lab was so incredibly shitty, it even picked up on their radar as very low. I was a 9. I was on the max of progesterone in oil shots on top of HCG injections. Nine. I called PPVI almost hyperventilating I was so upset (so yes, my peace just flew out the window at my first number. I am so weak!). I wanted to know if they would say the number was worthless. They didn't. Stephanie got on and said how sorry she was. She may have said this isn't for sure. That nine was maybe more like a ten or eleven and that babies can survive. I don't know. My head was spinning. What she wasn't saying was the number was totally worthless. So I sobbed harder. My doctor didn't, to my disappointment, move up my Mon scan. I think they thought they were being humane and letting it play out longer to avoid limbo land after a scan. But guess what? I live in limbo land. so the absolute worst case scenario is the scan is inconclusive, and I have to...you guessed it wait until Monday. Like I am already doing. I called the nurse back and left a message asking her to call in a scan to the place across the street that does them all day long-day and night. I have been there before, even though they prefer their office (their lady only works Mon and Wed). So there is that. But that, friends is just one of two major stressors today. Update-the nurse said I can get scanned today after talking to the doctor so I will go in and let you know when I hear anything. Update: I was scanned and the baby's heartbeat was 79. The growth was a six days behind. This is the beginning of the end.<br />
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(for anyone who might doubt I look like I am showing. This is what being a narrow size 4 with 6 pregnancies under your belt looks like with number 7. The body just knows what to do I guess!)<br />
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Last week for the first time ever, I left my 4 yr old in a car with a window cracked and locked in front of our church school, across the street from my church and preschool. Not a main road. Not an obscure road. A road in the middle of my people. For two minutes. I literally mean 120 seconds or less. I called ahead for my 6 yr old to be pulled for a doc appt. They usually have him in the office, but he wasn't quite there. But close. He clearly had coat and bag together and just had to be walked two doors down. As I walked out, a women held the door for me and it was clear she was coming in for me. She was a DCF worker (Dept of Children and Families). I got a verbal warning. That was Thursday. My brother in law works in foster care, so I asked him if I should be concerned (other than the fact that my husband may kill me. He is 100 times more safety concerned than I am, and to say I am lax would be laughable. My 4 and 6 yr old have never been outside alone (front or back). They have never not held a hand for two seconds or rode without carseats. We don't take risks. Except me, this day, this way. For the first time. And even then I had a twinge of "should I have done that?" that I ignored because I am constantly babying AJ because he is my youngest. Please-keep in mind. I have my PhD in education. I am a part time worker and a full time mom. I am room mother, volunteer, party planner, up at the schools all the time, everyone knows me. To make matters more laughable, as I was getting Charlie the next day and a friend (who is very very conscientious) asks if AJ is in the car. No, I said, I never leave him in the car for school pickup. He was at preK. Oh, she said, I leave Conner all the time. He never wants to come in. So I say, funny story, and go on to mortify the hell out of her.<br />
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Which takes us to last night when my dh brings a pamphlet off the front porch which is titled "why you are being investigated." It has a social workers card on the back that says "call me." How he didn't look further, I don't know. But I hid it (he has a huge job interview Sat am he is flying out for-5 people for 4 hrs-and he doesn't need the stress) and texted my brother in law that said, " I am sorry. Just do whatever they ask and don't act like you don't need what they offer." Humble. Very humbling.<br />
I tell a friend and she had been just that moment prior to our call meditating on Exodus14:14 which basically says God will fight for me and I am to stay still. Very appropriate. So I kept it all to myself, knowing I would call the social worker back Fri so that dh would be at work and he wouldn't be able to talk to her until he returned.<br />
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So that brings us to today. So I drop Charlie off, take AJ to a rosary and divine mercy chaplet in the adoration chapel and head to bible study. Then I assist in the atrium for CGS like I do every Thursday. Totally sounds like someone that beats her kids, right? Well, she called while I was out and then she called my husband when she didn't reach me. I didn't know this until I called her back. She told me that it was submitted and that she visited Charlie at school Tues and AJ Wed. What the what? And neither the school or my kids said a word?! I answered her questions satisfactory and my kids answer matched, and she said she would talk to dh and then close the case stating the claims were unsubstantiated. Good! I text dh and said not to call her, I had it covered and hoped it would suffice.<br />
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Then I got the progesterone result and called PPVI. Then he called and I pulled it together, miraculously, but he still wanted to know why she called and at least at that point I could say it was going to be okay. He was not happy. And I didn't want to add to his stress! But I lost it and he was clear there was more than that, so he got the whole kitten caboodle right before he went into the rest of his long day during his busiest time. Where he is going to come home and prep and then do it all again tomorrow only to fly out.<br />
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So then I called the preK and explained because only God knows what they were thinking (they said that it was a mistake!) and now I get to do the same at the Elementary. I will not be embarrassed of this, but rather use it as a teaching moment for others. So that is how my day has gone so far. Someone is going to have to commit me because I am not that strong. I asked God to make me a saint. I don't know what the heck I was thinking with that one!<br />
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Friday update: Today was a full non-working day. I went to rosary/divine mercy chaplet at adoration, then mass. Then I went into Elementary school and explained the situation with DCF to the counselor who will share it with others at my request. I went ahead and got the blood draw for progesterone and the new lab mailed it to PPVI. I got the shots from the doctor since dh was at work at that point (and leaving on a plane for a big interview after work. Please please please pray he gets this job!). I went to lunch with my mom, rested 30 min and took a shower. I got ready and even put lipstick on. I felt better. I got my kids and held them close! We snuggled with take out and watched a movie. I devoured a pounder of almond M&M's. It's 8:30pm Fri and I am in my pjs about to watch Grey's Anatomy (don't judge, I never stopped watching...). And you know what? I am okay? I only cried a few times today talking to people. They were eyes well up with tears not gut wrenching hyperventilating sobs like yesterday. My mom told me at lunch that my sister is upset for me. Defensive of me and mad at God for allowing this when she prayed so hard. And I defended God to my mom. I am not mad at Him. I trust Him. I asked for His will this whole time. And I stand by that. I am okay because he allows me to be okay through His grace. Thank you for your prayers, everyone!WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-72123000826351989982015-02-03T18:44:00.001-06:002015-02-05T14:35:15.729-06:00Heart Beats, But Slow-Updated<span style="background-color: white; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Updated: I forgot to mention earlier that I had a nice surprise today. I wasn't going into mass today, but decided to last minute even though I would be a few minutes late. It was the Feast of St. Blaise and they did the blessing of the throats and asked for his intercession for all healing. So glad I was there, and also that I got to share with Fr. Edward our story afterwards.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Thank you for all for your concern and prayers. It was a "wait and see" sort of appointment today, rather than the strong heartbeat we were hoping to hear (that we had heard earlier than this date with both our living boys). There was a heartbeat and a lot of growth since last week, so that is excellent news. However the heartbeat itself was on the low side. We had one loss that had a heartbeat this early, and it was also low (75-along with other indications things weren't going well like HCG that didn't double). We didn't get an exact measurement on the heartbeat as the doc scanned me and not the ultrasound tech (who isn't in on Tues). So we were unable to see if this baby's heart was stronger than the baby we lost. It would have also been helpful to measure the baby, since every baby we lost showed growth well behind their dates. But he was unable to provide that level of detail. I go back next Monday to be scanned by the tech. So we are grateful for what we have thus far, but continue to be in wait mode. Hopefully Monday we will get the sigh of relief we need. God still surrounds me with peace, and I know your prayers have a lot to do with that. We know we are doing everything we can, and the rest is left to God!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: HelveticaNeue, 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span>WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-24143584761385504682015-02-02T09:36:00.003-06:002015-02-02T09:36:38.778-06:00Presentation of Our Lord<br />
Last night continued the crazy dream saga. I dreamed I went in for my ultrasound (that is actually tomorrow) and the doctor no showed. I was panicked, hysterical really. No one could do the ultrasound there. I ended up wandering the streets alone, which happened to be my college town-so odd, and everyone thought I was drunk or on drugs because I was so beside myself that I couldn't get an ultrasound anywhere.<br />
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I normally drop my oldest off through a drop off loop, but today he had a meltdown after a very crabby morning (he took a nap, unusual, so we let him watch half the Super Bowl. Guess it wasn't such a great idea on a school night) during drop off so I walked him in. I was greater by his teacher, asking if I was pregnant, because she noticed my bump at mass on Friday. Sigh. People think I am nuts when I tell them I show so early. But this body has done this before. Six times before. And yes, I def have a little extra from Christmas, so it just adds to the pregnant look. I have been wearing some looser fitting close and they still hug my belly a bit, and it just makes it hard to disguise. Which is really exactly what you want to do when you are 6 weeks 4 days and it's not really anyone else's business yet. So lots of mixed emotions there. Because when someone sees they either ask how far or you want to tell them it's still way early and then they can't believe you are actually showing that early and so I go on to say my body has just done this many times before and knows what to do.<br />
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Today is also the Feast of the Presentation. I would have liked to have gone to mass, but I realized really late I already had a haircut scheduled first thing so there was no way to cancel. I am going to read the readings on my phone and reflect on these and try to continue to offer our baby back to God.<br />
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I drove to my hair cut and turned on Catholic radio, and it was nice to hear Fr. Larry talk about our bodies being a living sacrifice. This is from Romans and was a reading at our wedding. He went on to talk about conforming our will to God's, so that is at the front of my mind today as I try to put one foot in front of the other to get through the next 36 hrs. Today's distractions include work, teaching a behavior lesson at my oldest son's school, and planning the birthday snack for my youngest son's Valentine's day party.<br />
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Oh and having friends over yesterday was the motivation I needed to get my tree down! Which remind me, will you pray for my friend? She has a son and daughter my kid's ages. They had two losses around two of our losses. And they were going to be done. I don't know the story, but she is pregnant again. She did the blood test that is so popular now to find out the gender early, only to be devastated her baby has an increased chance of down syndrome. Now she wished she had never found out. The risk is still small. They won't do anything different except now they have had another blood test. And based on that they may do the amnio, but she is upset because she never did the amnio with the others. And she just wished she could go back in time. Her chance is still less than 1%. It makes me wonder how many more abortions folks will have based on this new (worrisome and not that accurate) blood test. Anyway, she would have the baby either way, but this has added likely unnecessary stress. So please keep her in your prayers.<br />
<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-28761766071649652932015-01-30T11:13:00.000-06:002015-01-31T22:00:28.529-06:00DistractionsGod is sustaining me through lots of distractions this past week. First of all, my sister announced perhaps Monday that she was getting married on Friday. For those of you who know me IRL, this is not public knowledge. They are getting married by a judge in a small private ceremony at my mom's house. In May there will be a larger public wedding. My sister and her guy have a sweet baby that is 6 months old, so this wedding is a good thing (while I wish it was in a church, there was no way that was going to happen) and a nice distraction. Yesterday I was able to babysit while she had a hair consult and love on my sweet nephew.<br />
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We also have set up playdates and such to keep us busy. One on Tuesday next week will be exceptionally important as my appointment isn't until 1 or so CST. This friend knows I am pregnant, has had infertility and losses herself, and will be great. Today I attended a breakfast for volunteers at my son's school for Catholic schools week. I am helping plan a Kindergarten mom's night out. I have several dates scheduled to be at my son's school for lunchroom duty and atrium/CGS duty, in addition to part time work and my weekly bible study and time as an atrium helper with the preschoolers. This weekend we are having a couple over with their kids to watch the Super Bowl on Sunday, Charlie has a basketball game, we have a kid's birthday party we are attending, and I have a girls night out. I have never in my life had this full of a social calendar :) Maybe at some point, I will take the Christmas tree down :)<br />
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I have gone to church, gone to adoration, said more rosary, more divine mercy chaplets, more Holy Spirit prayers, and more St. Gerard novena's then ever before in my life. It won't be crazy if I have said two rosaries and two divine mercy chaplets before the day is done!<br />
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Praying for others has also been a great distraction. Fr. Gerard, who gave me the blessing, is in the Philippines for a funeral for a family member, so he is in my prayers. Additionally, a good friend is struggling to know God's will in a situation that is putting her at odds with her husband. I promised to offer up my waiting for her, and I am happy to provide greater meaning to it. I have a cousin who is a church planter (non-Catholic) looking for affordable housing in the DC area, so I have been praying for that.<br />
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And good news never hurts. Yesterday, on my day off, right before watching my nephew I rocked a work issue and really diffused a situation. I felt great about that. Dh, who has been looking for better employment for approximately 5 yrs had an amazing interview yesterday that he totally rocked. The company is a great fit, great hours, less work that he is doing now-yet challenging and interesting, more pay, little travel, better title, great location, great boss, room to move up to boss' position in less than ten years...it just can't get any better. He no sooner wrote her a thank you email when she replied that he got the second interview (one of two, down from six) and that instead of flying him to another location she is likely flying the guy in (which is huge, he can't leave town in Feb due to his current job). I am just so hopeful. And seeing him hopeful is incredible. The only downfall is his busy time, while less than his current job, is timed around when our baby is due so that might be interesting. I didn't mind hearing this-I want him to get this job and seeing it was not 1000% perfect just made it feel more realistic. Maybe we will get even more good news next week-on baby and job front. Oh I would be so happy!<br />
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The HCG is still being reviewed by insurance. they sent it higher up. Progesterone was approved, but they are out of it. Good thing I have a month's more left. So I need to see when they expect to get it back in. Kubats is always a reasonable backup, or any local pharmacy for non-compounded. Mostly I just go with the diluted stuff as it's just so cheaper.<br />
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I continue to have dreams, but not as vivid. I don't have a lot of cramping, but no bleeding either.<br />
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So that's about it. Thanks for all of your continued prayers!<br />
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<dl style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><dd>
<dl><dd>God, give us grace to accept with serenity</dd><dd>the things that cannot be changed,</dd><dd>Courage to change the things</dd><dd>which should be changed,</dd><dd>and the Wisdom to distinguish</dd><dd>the one from the other.</dd></dl>
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<dl style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20px;"><dd>
<dl><dd>Living one day at a time,</dd><dd>Enjoying one moment at a time,</dd><dd>Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,</dd><dd>Taking, as Jesus did,</dd><dd>This sinful world as it is,</dd><dd>Not as I would have it,</dd><dd>Trusting that You will make all things right,</dd><dd>If I surrender to Your will,</dd><dd>So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,</dd><dd>And supremely happy with You forever in the next.</dd></dl>
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<dl><dd>Amen.</dd></dl>
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<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-17653835800805937712015-01-26T12:43:00.000-06:002015-01-26T13:24:45.191-06:00There is a Reason I am the Way I Am......it's called past experience. Whether it is today's scan or getting my blood drawn last week. Experience may not predict future. But it does predict my behavior :)<br />
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Blood draw Friday. New place. They said they ship to PPVI all the time, and Omaha confirmed. So when the lady drew it and I started reminding her of instructions and she said she's got it and the people downstairs know what they are doing....I let it go. because they are new to me and deserved the benefit of doubt. Guess who ran my numbers? Yup. Instead of mailing it. Sweet Meriam touched base with me today. She let me know she is working hard on getting the HCG covered by insurance. I let her know I need progesterone meds too. She let me know about the lab mixup and to call right away and see if they still have serum to ship. I did. And the lady apologized for the phone connection being so bad. She promised she would look for the paperwork, was sure they still had some serum, and she would take care of it. Then I got another call. First, they didn't handle it according to instructions so serum left isn't likely usable. Secondly, they said they haven't done this for years and there was a mixup. I need to find somewhere else. Ugh. she called back and said to try "anylabtestnow.com" after talking to Omaha. So frustrating. No progesterone numbers. No HCG.<br />
God is telling me "let go of it already! I am bigger than numbers. I have this!"<br />
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Ultrasound today (transvag-and on the better machine with the tech not the doc). 5 w 5 days when you look at date of last period. 5 w 4 days when you look at ovulation. Said my rosary on the way. Glad it was joyful mysteries! I didn't know how much we would see today, or how to know if we were behind. I found a website beforehand (unsure how reputable) that had the detail I was desiring reported in terms of gestational age. http://www.baby2see.com/development/ultrasound_sonogram/first_trimester_scans.html<br />
From there I wrote down that when the sac is 8-10mm, then you should see a yolk sac. <span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: justify;">The yolk sac is first visible at 5 weeks and it is always present by 5 weeks and 4 days.</span> I wrote down from fetal pole is usually at 6 weeks or prior and can be see in if baby 2-4mm CRL. <span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: justify;">With transvaginal ultrasonography, cardiac motion can sometimes be seen in a 2-mm to 3-mm embryo, and is invariably detected in normal pregnancy when the length of the embryo reaches 5 mm. At the end of week 5, the heart rate is about 60 – 90 bpm.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: justify;"> </span><strong style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: justify;">In early pregnancies, the actual cardiac rate is less important than its presence or absence. </strong><span style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; text-align: justify;">Hmm. That seems a little early. </span><br />
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Well, my gestational sac was 7.4mm and she could maybe possibly see the yolk sac but not totally sure. She measured the gestational sac, but told me it is the least accurate measurement. It said 5 w so it showed I was behind where I should be, but she didn't put it that way. She said there is variation of burrow time, etc. She could tell that I had a nice corpus luteum on the right ovary and it and the left (though crazy weird high as normal for me) looked healthy. Her thoughts on the whole thing was that it wasn't bad, that baby implanted late (I did see implantation bleeding, but I don't have a date for it! I think going back it was maybe 1/3/15, but I don't know), and that we need to see growth of the sac and a yolk sac next week. Probably a fetal pole, but don't panic if they can't see a heartbeat (on 6w5d). If that is the case, she wants me to come back in the following Monday (I would be 7w 5 d). <br />
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Here are my thoughts after looking at this info again, the website, and prior pregnancies. This is not good. Behind at this stage is not good. This looks a lot like Michael. I had a scan the same day with Michael and sac was 8mm and there was no yolk sac. I went back on 6w6d (coincidentally the same time I have another one scheduled) and the sac for Micheal was 1.1 and there was a yolk sac. My doc was worried no heartbeat, thought it was a blighted ovum. I had a heartbeat visible at 7w3d, but too small to measure. At 7 w 5 d it was 93bpm, it went down from there (73, then high 60's, then none).<br />
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So I wonder why she is telling me not to panic if I get no hb at 6w6d (when my previous doc's office was ready to call it) and to only worry when I don't get one at the 7w5d scan the following week (again see 93bpm with Michael on that same scan day-and he didn't LIVE!)? For reference, Charlie had a hb at 6w2d and AJ at 6w3d.<br />
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I am trying not to be pessimistic. I want to be realistic. I want TCIE's opinion! :) Are we "behind" or is there truly variability even with Napro and the date? Do I hit panic if we don't get a hb we can measure by 6w6d? I realize I hit panic with every pregnancy. I did with Charlie when we switched labs and didn't know that it would affect things this much. I did with Anthony (when the HCG didn't double in three days), which I had forgotten!<br />
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Update: TCIE was kind enough to respond quickly (and privately), but gave me permission to share. It looks like I will be able to function for another week :)<br />
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Her words: <span style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">TON of variability in measurement of (gestational sac) GS, I was taught by "the best" sonographer in NJ to not even bother measuring it since its measurement never correlates. (Only to measure if it looks bigger than it should be, since often with anembryonic pregnancies i.e. blighted ovums it is generally much bigger.). </span><br />
<span data-reactid=".ae.$mid=11422299787700=23d75cc7f74714e3528.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$2:0" style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">All I'd be concerned about as a sonographer at 5w4d is a) is GS high fundal of uterus, b) are there any subchorionic hemorrhages and if so, where and how big, c) is yolk sac visible (though I have NOT seen some at this stage and it turns up when baby does), and d) general appearance of GS (nice and well-circumscribed, round or oval and not "breaking down" looking.) and e) is cervix closed, and are adnexae clear.</span><br />
<br data-reactid=".ae.$mid=11422299787700=23d75cc7f74714e3528.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$5:0" style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;" />
<span data-reactid=".ae.$mid=11422299787700=23d75cc7f74714e3528.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$6:0" style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">This sounds to me like a perfectly appropriate u/s for right now!</span><br />
<span data-reactid=".ae.$mid=11422299787700=23d75cc7f74714e3528.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$8:0" style="color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Praying baby keeps growing!!!</span><br />
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I also asked her about next week's scan and what she thought. Shouldn't I be able to expect a heartbeat next Tues? Her response:<br />
<span style="background-color: #f6f7f8; color: #373e4d; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not a DEFINITE m/c if it's not there, but I'd be highly suspicious if it weren't.</span><br />
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I am very grateful for her responses! I continue to have seriously vivid dreams, but it seems those are progesterone related (which we are obviously supplementing to the max) and not a sign of anything else.WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-69068120020176231212015-01-25T14:53:00.000-06:002015-01-25T14:53:11.183-06:00Dreams and NauseaJust a quick note that I am experiencing crazy vivid dreams the last four nights! First one re dh, then one of my son's was in danger and I was helpless, then one about my best friend, and last night...my dog! So strange. I woke up extremely nauseated, and I was 100% sure I was going to vomit, but didn't. It was so odd. I ate a few crackers after it passed and went to bed. In the past, with pregnancies, I never really threw up, but I also could never have an empty stomach or I felt sick. I recall the crazy dreams. I don't recall either this early, though the nausea may have been a fluke. I googled to make sure that it was due to hormones we were supplementing and not others. Others would have been a good sign, but the sites I saw attributed the dreams to progesterone and/or hcg. So no news. Just waiting for my sono tomorrow as patiently as possible.<br />
<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-1857211416155974502015-01-24T08:52:00.002-06:002015-01-24T08:52:17.061-06:00Not Eventful First OB Appt, Lab, Injections I survived the "new OB" appt. I survived a new nurse that doesn't know me. I survived the how many live births and how many pregnancies question. I survived (and even smiled) being handed the bag (full of hospital registration info and samples), even though it stays untouched and out of site.<br />
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I did see the doctor, but didn't get scanned. His scans are less accurate for early, and the ultrasound tech wasn't in that day. We made an appt for Monday (5w5d) for my first and for the following Tues (6w6d) to look for a heartbeat.<br />
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I got my first progesterone draw, and it went great. The lab I always used no longer mails to PPVI, so I wasn't sure what to do. PPVI actually mentioned to me who they receive blood from in the area, which was very helpful. The lab told me they do it all the time, and seemed competent. I guess the test will be if it gets there! I am curious to see if there was healing in that area.<br />
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HCG shots are going well. Dh is giving them in my thigh without too much trouble. HCG insurance is another story. Kubats got a request for precert so I paid out of pocket this month ($250-by far the cheapest!). Then I called my insurance. Usually if you go to their mail order pharmacy, they have the ability to access your medical benefits (not just pharmacy). Often medical will cover injectible specialty meds when pharmacy denies them. I found out after lots of calls that medical actually denied it as well. The pharmacy they wanted me to go to for coverage (if there had been any), was Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. So then it gets confusing stating it isn't for fertility, I don't have any fertility benefits, etc. Can you believe their cost is over $900 for a month? Yikes! So the plan now is to request Dr. Hilger's office to submit a letter of medical necessity. They told me they were willing to do anything as they see me being on this long term. I did, however, see something online about HCG during pregnancy being harmful, so while I trust Dr. H, I did ask them in an email to help me understand the risk.<br />
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That is it for now. The boys are doing a decent job distracting me, and I suppose it's time to get the Christmas tree down. :) Illness kept us from doing anything after Christmas officially ended. And I have a few fun things planned to look forward to. Dh and I are going on a movie date tonight (american sniper) and I have been arranging a few girl's nights. If you don't mind, I would appreciate continued prayers as this is the period (20-24 dpo) that levels really dropped and signified an issue for us. If you want, you can join me in my novena to St. Gerard. And please include some friends in your prayers. One woman just had her fourth baby, a boy after three girls. However, her husband has colon cancer and a big surgery coming up. Another friend is still mourning the loss of her baby at 37 weeks. I have several friends discerning or at some point in the adoption journey, and you may have heard of this blogger, http://luckyassunshine.blogspot.com/, who experienced a terrible late loss just recently.<br />
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<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-1861550208790165452015-01-20T14:18:00.002-06:002015-01-20T14:23:58.755-06:00Happy DayThe level yesterday was 1169 (18 dpi) -very happy it continues to triple in 48 hrs. Had a little cramping yesterday. I know growing pains are normal, so I am not going to worry unless worrying is called for! Needles and HCG came from Kubats. Continue to fight insurance on this, but now I have a little breathing room by paying the first month. So prog and HCG shot tonight is the plan.<br />
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I also looked up baby's due date and found several saints' feast days. Gerard was on there, but not the right one :) The same was true for Anthony, but we named him that anyway (and of course, he didn't actually come on his due date). His name meaning flourishing was all it took to seal the deal-what mama could ask for more than the child in her womb to flourish?!WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-45937821598093365682015-01-18T11:04:00.000-06:002015-01-18T11:04:56.488-06:00Good Numbers ContinueI got another draw last night. It would have been earlier, but dh is working crazy hrs and AJ has the flu. Possibly from me taking him with me to these draws. :( The level last night was 396, so I continue to be pleased. And while I know you can't really compare too much across pregnancies (one was a different lab too), AJ had lower numbers at this point. Charlie and Michael (my first and healthiest/latest loss) were higher. All my other losses were lower. So this baby is in good company.<br />
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In other news, Charlie has the flu now. Boo! The good news is once we get the high fevers under control, they aren't even close to miserable. I continue to be on Tamiflu and so does dh. AJ is fever free without meds, so that is good news. And my mom was kind enough to hit a few stores for me and drop it on my porch.WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-85944113782535787112015-01-16T14:03:00.001-06:002015-01-17T09:18:13.237-06:00Is This a Test?So I have a theory. And it only has a sample size of 6, so I would love for you to weigh in. I looked over my HCGs from the past. Normally I look at percent growth and try to make heads or tails. But today I noticed something different. See, I always knew that there was some things the doc say to make you feel better about a crappy HCG. It goes like this. First you are told it should double every 48. Then you are told it actually can take72hrs. Then you are told it's okay, as long as it doesn't go down. Then you are told some excuse for it going down. Exception-lab variability is very real. Do not change labs unless you have to and never compare one lab with anthers. Note, this is all based on my six experiences and nothing more. But I have found that my babies just do more than double initially in just 48hrs if all is well. You see below, M is my only case that did awesome at first and then did poorly. That is because he was my first infection baby and that is how infection works. The next baby was much sicker. What I am rambling about is revolutionary to me-every baby that didn't make it didn't double by 24dpo. It can be really close (Anthony), but if it doesn't by far, it never worked out. Why does this matter? Before, it was always the heartbeat that meant relief. Correction-an on time heartbeat. This is why dates matter. Dates are off all the time. But if you 100% know your dates from charting, then no one can say come back in a weak it's probably off, and keep you in limbo. You know this isn't good. Knowing sooner is better, in my opinion. So heart beat is early notice (6.5 weeks, same as 28dpo), but 22 and 24 dpo is even sooner. I will come back to this point.<br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
table.MsoTableGrid
{mso-style-name:"Table Grid";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-priority:59;
mso-style-unhide:no;
border:solid windowtext 1.0pt;
mso-border-alt:solid windowtext .5pt;
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-border-insideh:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-border-insidev:.5pt solid windowtext;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoTableGrid" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;">
<tbody>
<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0;">
<td style="border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 34.05pt;" valign="top" width="34"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.1pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
12dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.15pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
14dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
15dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
16dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
17dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
18dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
19dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
20dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
21dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
22dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
23dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
24dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
25dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
26dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-left: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
27dpo<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 1;">
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 34.05pt;" valign="top" width="34"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
M<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.1pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.15pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
514<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
1544<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
3438<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
5271<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
5184<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 2;">
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 34.05pt;" valign="top" width="34"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
G<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.1pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.15pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
279<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
321<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
353<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
444<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 3;">
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 34.05pt;" valign="top" width="34"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
C<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.1pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.15pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
546<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
1201<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
1838*<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
3365<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
12708<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 4;">
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 34.05pt;" valign="top" width="34"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
A<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.1pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.15pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
207<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
500<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
1634<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
3219<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
5247<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 5;">
<td style="border-top: none; border: solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 34.05pt;" valign="top" width="34"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
G<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.1pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 30.15pt;" valign="top" width="30"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.6pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
899<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
1300s<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 43.65pt;" valign="top" width="44"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
2209 (sat)<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
<td style="border-bottom: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left: none; border-right: solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid windowtext .5pt; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 42.95pt;" valign="top" width="43"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
</td>
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N<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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47<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<br /></div>
</td>
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100<o:p></o:p></div>
</td>
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<br /></div>
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215<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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625<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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K?<o:p></o:p></div>
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29<o:p></o:p></div>
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114<o:p></o:p></div>
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n/a<o:p></o:p></div>
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X<o:p></o:p></div>
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n/a<o:p></o:p></div>
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X<o:p></o:p></div>
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n/a<o:p></o:p></div>
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X<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />
AJ has the flu. Type A. He maybe was a little warm yesterday. He was clearing his throat a lot, some junk was bothering him. He woke at 1:30am saying his eyes hurt and he was thirsty. He had a fever of 103. I wasn't too concerned. I stripped him down to summer pi's (because I knew he was burying in covers), gave him Gatorade and a popsicle, along with some advil and sent him back to bed. He woke at 6:30am (too early for more Advil) with a fever of 104.5. I wasn't messing around. I was out of Tylenol. I didn't want it to get any higher. Off to Children's Mercy ER we went. He was a brave one! The strep test wasn't able to be done in one swab and he willingly opened for her to get another. He got a chest x ray and a nose swab. They wouldn't have swabbed him, but because I am pregnant, it would make a difference in his care (Tamiflu). He didn't like the swab. But as soon as Advil kicked in, he perked right up. Sweet boy, you know he asked me today to pray a rosary with him? First time ever! God, of course, and also the fact we went yesterday and said one at adoration. My doc is worried about me getting flu, so it's Tamiflu for me too. And despite this, God has it. He has us, me and this baby, wrapped in His loving arms. (will add pics if I can get them to download!)<br />
<br />
Dr. Hilger's nurse Stephanie called back today. I really love her. She said Dr. Hilgers has been spending a lot of time with my chart. I am sure-quite interesting reading. :) I am the four who had Dr. Toth's full treatment that I know of. Pretty sure he is following me closely, as he continues to learn daily. Dr. Hilgers wants me on HCG. I have heard of women on this to increase progesterone. It started after my last loss, I believe. Dh is going to give them to me, thankfully because I can't go there again. Not even for a baby because it has nothing to do with desire. It's about debilitating anxiety. But dh will give them and it will be fine. I realized something on the call though; once I take that first shot (obviously sooner is better), its no more HCG quants for me from the lab. I will get Sat and Monday, but then I will get the meds in the mail, and it will skew the result. So there goes that theory and the idea of earlier knowledge.<br />
<br />
But you know what, I am okay. I feel like God is saying, are you really at peace? Is your faith in me? Or are you still trying to control? You said the baby is mine. Is that really true? So I am giving it to Him. Every bit of control over this baby. I don't want it. You are the one I want in control. You know best. Take my HCG quants, take my early sono, whatever you want to take it is yours. I will do all the shots, or none of the shots. Your will be done.WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-42197082040602095872015-01-15T20:06:00.000-06:002015-01-15T20:06:04.446-06:00114-14dpoLast night I prepared for bible study today and it was just beautiful. We are doing Romans (love!) and this time it was all about suffering.<br />
<br />
I also woke up to an email from Dr. Toth in the night about the Clindamycin. He told me the drug may not kill the infection, but it likely won't multiply and will allow for better implantation. As I progress, he may give me something else. So we started it today. My feelings are...if God wants this, He will make it happen despite our mistakes; if God doesn't want this, nothing we do matters. I could totally be wrong, I have never felt this way before, but it is good to give up control. I also continue to try and offer the baby to God daily, and try to desire His will to be mine.<br />
<br />
My husband is working extra hours this time of year, so I had to do school drop of for Charlie today. Which meant I had some down time between that and bible study. So I slipped into the adoration chapel with AJ and discovered they were doing the Divine Mercy Chaplet and rosary, which was awesome. Following that, we had a fantastic discussion of suffering at bible study.<br />
<br />
I went on to do the blood draw at the hospital. I was feeling good because I had POAS that morning and found a dark positive. I was very pleased with the 114 result and took it up to my ob, same as before. We made a new ob appt. These are basically worthless, but required to get any care. Thankfully, they don't make me wait 8 weeks or anything and we just do them whenever. Mine is next Thursday, which is fine. I know they will give me the hospital registration and sample packet. I refused this last time. It was the worst having it around after a loss. I told them to keep it for later! But he will probably scan me that day, because he is awesome like that, so we will be able to see a sac if my levels keep up.<br />
<br />
Tonight I asked Charlie to pray for me. He said "God please give mommy another baby." I smiled. He is so sweet, and desperately wants another sibling. He has been asking daily for sometime, and I told him to ask God not me, but this was a first that I have heard. :)WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-5893160033608810552015-01-14T20:48:00.001-06:002015-01-14T20:48:46.493-06:00GerardI definitely told too many people actually. And I don't care. My husband might, but it's not his coping mechanism. The more people equals the more prayers. So bloggers, Facebook people I don't run into in real life, my best friend, two sisters, my mom, the priest, a former neighbor, my son's godparents...you get the idea. But I appreciate the prayers more than you'll ever know!<br />
<br />
The last 24 hrs have been surreal. I am still feeling happy about things. I have many people praying for us. I started my day with mass, then confession, then telling our story to the priest and getting a blessing for the baby.<br />
<br />
Mass was beyond wonderful. The readings, the songs. Everything spoke to me. Even the priest who said it's name is Fr. Gerard. Seriously! The Gospel was about healing. Fr. Gerard told me his mom had five losses before him, three babies in three years live, and then a surprise ten years later. He made great suggestion that during the Feast of the Presentation of the Lord (Feb. 2nd) that I offer our baby to God. Love this priest!<br />
<br />
When I told a former neighbor at mass I was pregnant, as she is an awesome prayer warrior, she told me she was sure it was a boy and not to think she was crazy. I didn't, I had been thinking the same thing. Funny, I hadn't had any sense with my other two, but I always have feelings about the babies I lose. I don't know. I have been thinking of this baby as Kolbe, as in Maximilian. Last night Charlie said to me he was his favorite saint out of nowhere. So there are funny things like that which make me smile.<br />
<br />
Here's another one. This baby is number seven, a very significant number in the bible related to God's promises. I wanted more info (I just remember Scott Hahn saying "seven oneself" related to making a covenant) and I found this: <span style="font-family: 'Open Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">Seven is the symbolic number of charity, grace, and the Holy Spirit. It is the term that stands for perfection. There are seven sacraments, seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, seven deadly sins, seven joys, and seven sorrows of Our Lady. </span><br />
<br />
Of course it relates to the Holy Spirit. Because more than any other relationship, that is how I connect to God best. I wear a dove on my necklace, and the Holy Spirit prayer is my most frequently stated prayer. Baby seven. Already making history merely by being conceived.<br />
<br />
And one more (I am really just rattling on here, but I like to look back and remember these details), today I met an Annabelle. Each one of our babies was going to be Annabelle Grace if a girl. And I have never met one until today. I even made her spell it. :) I just looked up at God and smiled. It was random I even asked. I just feel like God is sending me little assurances. Not assurances like this baby will definitely live. Not like that. I give this baby to God every second of the day. But just keeping my spirits good and knowing He is in control. He has a plan for me. A plan for Good! Oh yes, Jeremiah 29:11 is the bible verse of the month at my son's preschool. It must be a new thing because I have never seen it before, but now I see it and smile. And I think, yep, you've got this.<br />
<br />
As I float in my peace bubble, something could have popped it today. But it didn't. And that is your prayers my friends. Today I emailed Dr. Toth and just asked-antibiotics warranted? And he said, yes, just in case, Cleocin....whatever. So Hilgers was nice enough to call it in, and I made my way to Target way too late at night tonight with two tired boys on my own (husband is working crazy hrs this time of year). Only to find out that Cleocin is Clindamyacin. Which is something I am immune too, and he said he wouldn't order again. I believe he said he would have to figure something out (I am considered immune to the two big one he uses during pregnancy), and he probably asked me to remind him. So, I have a useless antibiotic. Likely another day of waiting for them to call something in and get it filled. But that is life. It didn't rock my world. I may not need an antibiotic. On the other hand, it may be no antibiotic left can do what I need it to do (immune systems go down during pregnancy and even if there was only a tiny infection before, it can get a lot worse during pregnancy). Some things are just out of my hands. And in God's. And that feels good for a change! Tomorrow is HCG #2, so please keep praying and check in tomorrow night.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">O Great Saint Gerard, beloved servant of </span><a href="http://www.catholic.org/clife/jesus" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #fd1b14; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;">Jesus</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> Christ, perfect imitator of your meek and humble Savior, and devoted Child of the Mother of God: enkindle within my heart one spark of that heavenly fire of charity which glowed in your heart and made you an </span><a href="http://www.catholic.org/encyclopedia/view.php?id=774" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #fd1b14; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;">angel</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> of love. O glorious Saint Gerard, because when falsely accused of crime, you did bear, like your Divine master, without murmur or complaint, the calumnies of wicked men, you have been raised up by </span><a href="http://www.catholic.org/encyclopedia/view.php?id=5217" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #fd1b14; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;">God</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> as the Patron and Protector of expectant mothers. Preserve me from danger and from the excessive pains accompanying childbirth, and shield the child which I now carry, that it may see the light of day and receive the lustral waters of </span><a href="http://www.catholic.org/prayers/sacrament.php?id=1" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #fd1b14; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;">baptism</a> <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">through </span><a href="http://www.catholic.org/clife/jesus" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #fd1b14; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;">Jesus</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> </span><a href="http://www.catholic.org/clife/jesus" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #fd1b14; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; text-decoration: none;">Christ</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"> our Lord. Amen.</span>WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-26543068924396482892015-01-13T15:05:00.001-06:002015-01-13T15:42:57.928-06:00Dean Koontz's Brain and Unchartered TerritoryTwo posts in one month's time?! Shocker I know. Let's just say you will want to stick through to the end on this one, despite my horrible hurried scattered writing.<br />
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I think sometimes half of our brain blocks the other half from knowing what's up to protect us. I heard an interview with Dean Koontz recently regarding his new book, The City. He said he was to the end before he realized it was about himself as a boy. His wife knew. But he didn't. Interesting. Back to that random thought in a minute.<br />
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To pick up from last time, I got that amazing raise! And my dumb brain kept going over things to spend it on. My plan was a rare guilt free splurge on myself before we started considering it regular income. Should I get my teeth whitened by the dentist using the trays? Should it be much bigger? Like corrective eye surgery? You should know I have rarely met anyone with such bad vision, and I probably shouldn't be in these hard contacts my whole life, but they are the only thing that correct me properly. I still have issues with glare and such. So I am pondering all of this. But not telling dh because I wanted to know for sure it was approved and the exact amount. So he just knew a very conservative number.<br />
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At the same time, I am just pining for another child in a strong way-however it may arrive :). I just felt I am getting older (will be 37 in June), AJ is getting older (was 4 in Nov), and I hate the limbo of keeping him in the nursery. I want to either make it his, or move him to another room in preparation of foster care/adoption. So I had increased talking about this to dh. A lot. And clearly he had noticed.<br />
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One day, I was going on and on and dh got upset about it. He is definitely more financial savvy (a CPA) and he worries about money (even though we are totally fine-he just knows too much). He stresses because his good paying job is great, but his boss is beyond AWFUL and he has looked for years, but he is too high up and we'd have to move. Neither of us wants to move. So money stresses him. He always worries he will blow up and lose his job or quit out of frustration. He would ideally change fields which would take a pay cut. And my pay was just peanuts. I am in education, work part time, and then you add childcare (which was half of my take home). So dh says, I told you this was off the table because of money. Well, duh. That's where one side of my brain decides to inform the other. And dh that I got a raise. And that is clearly what it is meant for. His response: well why didn't you tell me. Okay. Conversation back on the table. Woohoo! He still wasn't open to the adoption agency the Sisters run with great results (it comes with the typical large fees, but a shorter wait and mostly deals with infants). But he wanted to go to the foster agency's intro session when work calmed down in the spring.<br />
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Somewhere around that time, I got a little crazy idea to ttc. Don't ask me why. I honestly don't think it was intentional. We are always open, but let's just say my interest isn't there too much and the timing is probably not on anymore. I had been thinking, what would dh want for Christmas and, well kind of embarrassed to say I figured he would want to bd more (lol). Then I decided a) it was dumb to say out loud and b) I may not go through with any sort of promise. So we did more, but I didn't say anything out loud. At one point he asked me and I did explain. I started seeing really good observations, not intentionally but it was obvious. So I recorded them on my phone and when we bd, just knowing there was more possibility this month than there had been for awhile and not wanting to be clueless on dates. I wasn't crazy about it because this is the new peaceful me remember. We didn't bd on the last day of peak type because we didn't feel like it (dh was getting a cold, etc). No big deal. No crazy over here. I also didn't really do any post bd instructions. I peed and beared down a bit. Nothing official. I was pretty happy our last fertile bd day was New Year's eve, and had figured a due date roughly, because I am still a bit crazy like that. What can I say?<br />
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But knowing we were bd more often, I took prenatal, aspirin, and T3/synthroid meticulously. Interestingly, my bbs were sore around ovulation. I thought, who knows, maybe I ovulated on my own. So I asked Dr. Hilgers for a requisition to check. I was thinking, if yes and not pregnant, we would try two more cycles if I ovulated and be more careful with prenatal etc.<br />
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I did talk to my best friend about thinking I saw implantation bleeding. I can't believe I don't know what day! But you know what? Just as quick I thought it was blood that maybe had stayed through a wash from another time. I really thought I was making stuff up. I did read Georgie's sweet comment on my last post around this time. And I smiled. Truly my brain had not processed it may take two years to heal. I did know that, but I didn't seem to believe it with the other half of my brain. That day I believed. If not today, maybe someday.<br />
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Peak plus 7 came and went. My son was vomiting so I passed on the blood test. There was no way I was going to be able to leave the house. I figured, if I was pregnant, I would know soon enough. I figured I wasn't, of course, just wanted to be careful. I monitored for symptoms. None stood out to me. Except way more easily winded, and that could have been easily due to the fact I had some nasty bronchitis around early Dec that resulted in me using an inhaler. I discontinued this after ovulation, just in case, not wanting to ask anyone. I maybe was tired, maybe hungry, but those aren't symptoms enough. Crazy sense of smell, now that symptom would have convinced me for sure.<br />
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In the name of taking progesterone early, I tested at home early. Now recall, I have always been on hcg and couldn't test at home. I tested a bit here and there after giving up Clomid just to be sure, so I had a test on hand. I think it was peak plus 9. It was negative. Then I saw how bad the stats were that early. I told husband it was negative and he said, but you could still be. Yes, technically it's possible I replied. And so I put tests on the grocery list. And my husband walked around smiling and calling me his "big woman." (He is only allowed to call me that pregnant, so I laughed, but put the smack down on that nickname. I have gained a lovely 10 Christmas pounds).<br />
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Which leads me to today, (peak plus 12) buying tests at Target. Peeing in the bathroom there with my 4 year old because who can wait to exit a store? And about peeing myself again getting the faintest positive. Wait, have I been peeing more often?! Texting Jill, the queen of early testing for advice, and others for prayer requests only. Calling my ob asking for an HCG stat because I wouldn't believe it until I saw a number. Which the ding dang nurse declined, but offered a regular. I got off the phone and left a msg for Hilgers, knowing they aren't timely, then drove home and searched for a paper or electronic requisition. I found one, slapped the word stat and series on it (don't judge my mama bear instincts!) and took it the lab, canceling my doc appt. I checked my progesterone stash on the way out and lets just say it is more than adequate to get me through. Less than 45 min later I had a "29" in hand. It was faxed to Dr. H and I dropped it off at my OB's office in the same building. Take that, annoying nurse. Progesterone wasn't stat because I didn't write it for both (rookie mistake). I figure it doesn't matter. Dr. H puts me on it while waiting anyway (it was always done in Omaha, but now my lab won't ship it) and it won't be accurate anyway. I was on progesterone 36 weeks with both boys despite some good levels (when he would take me off, it would drop terribly and scare us both).<br />
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I called dh and told him he was allowed to call me big woman :) He got the hint and was happy to give me progesterone shots tonight.<br />
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Keep in mind, we are still in new territory here. We are not taking any clomid or post peak hcg shots. I am going clearly on the assumption that if I heal, ovulation is a sign. But I have no idea if I will have better post peak levels to sustain even to the point of testing. No idea.<br />
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Right now I feel:<br />
<ul>
<li>confident in my choice to not take clomid again; accepting of the fact that I could not physically take HCG post peak and committed to giving baby everything I can from this point on.</li>
<li>happy a life is growing. This is baby 7! And if that isn't a great number, I don't know what is</li>
<li>cautiously optimistic-we have no idea what the future brings-but if I can ovulate on my own, maybe just maybe I can carry to term?</li>
<li>well aware we are in unchartered territory. I have no peak plus 7 level or any idea if the lack of post peak support has hurt the baby. I have never had an HCG level this early. I was on no antibiotics. I have never not been able to mail out progesterone levels. </li>
<li>regretting the 10 Christmas pounds</li>
<li>hoping we can still foster/adopt even if this baby is here in 9 months because I am greedy like that about babies!</li>
<li>taking things one day at a time and every other cliche you can think of</li>
</ul>
So it's a number. That proves a baby. But not a future. Even if it doubles, there is no guarantee the number will continue to double. So today I am trying to focus on rejoicing about something I truly didn't ever expect to happen again. And sharing with those that can keep a secret and PRAY!<br />
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<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-78945147945800629552014-12-17T11:35:00.002-06:002014-12-17T11:41:18.961-06:00I didn't mean to drop off the planetSorry, everyone who is actually still reading (both of you, haha!) I really didn't mean to leave on that very inaccurate note. What happened not long after this post was a small mental breakdown. I was trying to follow the doctor's instructions of still doing post peak HCG shots since there is always the chance I could ovulate randomly or I could ovulate due to healing. Evidently I could heal enough (i.e. infection at bay enough) to ovulate, but not have good hormone levels post peak to support a pregnancy. However, that was very stressful. To continue paying for shots, giving shots, and then the blood draws that come with shots was like not taking a break from the crazy stress of ttc at all. And the worst part for me is now something that used to be easy, giving HCG shots, is no longer. I have thick skin from dairy. I have no depth perception. What results is I have to get enough umph behind the shot to pierce the skin. That's a lot of umph. Especially when I have no depth perception and am scared (due to past experience) I will slam the needle into my fingers holding the skin. Or I will be "rewarded" with the needle basically bouncing off me. And they always would skimp on the number of needles, so I have run out before my meds are out. it's kind of awful. So the most recent and last time I attempted to give myself a shot I had the first real anxiety of my life and spent three hrs crying half naked sitting on the side of the tub. It was horrible. And so I decided I was done. I will heal or I won't. But no more HCG shots.<br />
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Honestly, I think the time of healing from Dr. Toth his probably past. What's crazy is I see tons of CM. But we don't avoid and we don't necessarily try, and each month my cycle comes. I had a small stinging/annoyed IF moment last week. I was really sick and went to urgent care. They gave me an X-ray for pneumonia. Tech asked if I can possibly be pregnant. I say, we have issues getting pregnant and aren't on meds to conceive but at the same time we aren't doing anything to avoid pregnancy and I am post ovulation. Her response was curt: so no, she says, and does the x ray. She clearly knows nothing in this area because then she says, so you don't get periods then? No. It isn't like that. I look completely functioning by all intensive purposes. Lack of ovulation isn't shown by lack of period, at least not ever in my case. So frustrating how little people understand IF and general sensitivities. <br />
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And each month my baby gets bigger. He is four now. 90% and every day he reminds me he isn't really my baby at all. He is so big, and darling and wonderful. And it isn't right to make him try to stay little. At this age, Charlie was out of a crib by two yrs, he was in a new big boy bed and a room decorated just for him. AJ stays in the nursery, with all its nursery decor. The crib has the toddler bed side, and we still rock him in the chair sometimes when he is struggling. I continue to love and be grateful for our boys. I continue to want another one. I think our best chance is through foster to adopt, but I am not sure if my husband has it in him to live that kind of roller coaster. I hear stories through fb that scare me about people having babies from birth to 14 months that go back to the mom and then the mom loses them and they go to some other foster care, for example. I don't know if I could live that either. Or my boys. So I tell dh I want another. And I let him take the lead. I am about to get a crazy raise at work that will double my salary to make up for the years of basically breaking even working. So we will see where this take us...God has a plan for us. And that plan is perfect. We pray we know it and have the courage to live it out.<br />
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I am okay, just feeling a little (okay a lot) cranky. It is weird, and maybe it's just because I got so sick in the middle of sending out cards and decorating, and maybe the warm weather had something to do with it, but it just doesn't very much feel like Advent. I need to figure out what I should be doing differently; maybe it's something more internal than external I need to be doing.<br />
<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-8459189325610565652014-09-03T09:17:00.001-05:002014-09-03T09:17:37.954-05:00Game ChangerSo that last post was definitely a downer and not how I feel on a typical day. I felt much better quickly after and decided I would just be open to be a lap as many moms in this group have multiple young ones. Then I went to the intro and found out it takes many volunteers to make this work. So, I signed up to assist in the atrium (we are blessed to have Catechesis of the Good Shepherd montessori curriculum) for my son's class and I would attend the leadership bible study prior. I am so excited! God has a way of making it all work out. Silly me trying to fret and figure it out myself!<br />
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So, the last few months or so have been very crazy cycle wise. First, my local napro doc's thyroid labs from my physical indicated low levels and so my Synthroid was moved up to 100 mg. Then Cycle before this current one, I noticed my heart was racing some. Dr. Hilgers took my T3 down to 22.5 just one time a day instead of twice. Following this, I made the following observations: <span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: HelveticaNeue, Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I am due to start my period any day and have been having some odd (for me) symptoms. For two weeks, my breasts have been sore and even seem larger. Yesterday and today I had bad headaches. My only history with headaches is from hormone drops when I miscarried. Today I had two huge waves of nausea. Yesterday and today I took an early response pregnancy test that was negative. I have not been on any supplements to ovulate or support a pregnancy this cycle (or since Feb). Do you have any guess as to what is causing all of this? Is this an indication the full treatment last Aug may have naturally helped me increase my own hormone levels? This is just so odd for me! Typically, my hormones are pretty non existent (throughout the whole cycle-I don't ovulate) on my own...I emailed this info to Dr. Toth who gave the following response: </span></span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: small;">It sounds like, you have dropped an egg on your own. The symptoms could all be related. Did you try for a pregnancy this month? </i><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I let him know we didn't specifically aim to try or avoid, and did have intercourse around ovulation. However, I head to the bathroom pretty quick to follow the SF instructions, which in the past has had a similar result to avoiding. </span></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I replied back I was worried about infection. He said <i> </i></span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: small;">Forget about the infection and add post ovulatory support. </i><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I did not add post peak support that cycle as I was ready to start my period and didn't know for sure my day of </span></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">ovulation. </span><i style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">However, following this correspondence, I downloaded the FertilityMD ap that allows you to chart like Creighton by using the notes features and also documented things like nausea, diarrhea, headaches, etc. Girls, you want to know how many days of Peak type CM I had? 7. That is not at all typical for me (I usually have 1-3, sometimes 5, but rarely). I had hcg at home so I utilized it post peak that cycle (which is this cycle). That was not easy. I gave one in my thigh, but it took a long time to psych myself up so dh sucked it up and gave me two more. Per Hilger's and Toth's request, I got a Peak plus 7 draw this cycle to check for ovulation. Of course, that had to fall on Sunday of Labor Day weekend when we were out of town, so I waited until Monday and just did a P+8 instead. The results are not yet in as that was 2 days ago. I also did a thyroid panel at that time, which was mailed for PPVI to analyze. I continue to have crazy nausea, etc.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The theory we are checking is that Dr. Toth's treatment worked. The infection is cleared and as a result my body is functioning as it was always meant to for the first time ever that we know of. Like how the treatment resulted in my tubes not being inflamed and thus opening naturally. The big issues I have could all be a result of infection, we knew that. No infection may mean no issues. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What does that mean for us ttc? Before, we were always trying to work around the infection. We were trying to suppress it long enough to have a successful pregnancy. We were trying to make myself ovulate when I didn't naturally, we were trying to compensate for all the issues. If the infection is gone and I ovulate on my own (and only if I ovulate on my own-no more Clomid for me ever), that's a game changer for Craig and I. We are not trying to avoid a pregnancy that could happen naturally. We were done trying to force one to happen. It's a big difference. We are open to life. We are not, however, required to pursue every treatment. That was no longer healthy for us physically or emotionally. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">How will we know if the infection is gone? While I have not seen TEBB, the real test for us in this case would be ovulating on my own. That's our own determination. We are not anti all meds. I did do the post peak support because I am not willing to roll the dice that my body healed in that way at the expense of a potentially newly growing baby. Where I stand on taking oral antibiotics just in case if we do end up pregnant, I do not know. I haven't gotten that far. I will say that, perhaps jumping the gun, I did not do the SF instructions immediately after intercourse. So from that standpoint, we actively tried this month, rather than waiting for the blood draw to see if I was ovulating. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What is funny about this? Where to begin?! The Toth treatment, it doesn't just work instantly. And I knew that. But Dr. Toth had us ttc right after. I don't know why. Maybe he was concerned for us re timing and didn't want to waste any even if that meant a possible miscarriage while my body was healing. Clearly I wasn't interested in rolling that dice. I had TEBB and I was done. Disappointed, but done. The treatment didn't work. My mind never went back there. I laugh now. It didn't occur to me that healing would take some time, despite reading that on the Toth discussion boards etc. It totally left my mind. So the chance this worked as we intended it to, well that didn't enter my mind as a thought until Dr. Toth brought it up. I was a little dense. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">What if I didn't ovulate? That's okay. Really. I totally have peace it is in God's hands. If he wants us to continue to grow our family biologically, we are open to it. He will show us, we strongly feel, by ovulating on my own. So if there is no ovulation, it wasn't His plan. The plan we made when the TEBB appeared after Toth is still the plan-no more ovulation meds. We still stand by that. So really its been no change since the beginning. We just have to keep in mind our intent with that, and desire God's will above ours. And so we are at great peace regardless. But i will say, I might go to my primary physician and try to sort some of these symptoms out if they aren't ovulation/hormonal.</span><br />
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WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-504195045693659634.post-29342440490920369842014-07-24T09:44:00.003-05:002014-07-24T12:54:23.885-05:00My Lap is EmptyFunny how things can kind of blind side you. We've been going along pretty well here at our house. I have not had PMS the last two cycles, so the HCG remains on the shelf. I have avoided returning to charting, blood draws, and cycle reviews for now. I am enjoying, for the most part, this new season of life. I am blessed by my two children beyond words. And yet, there is still the hole of course. Of children that were conceived, yet not held, and all the "what could have been."<br />
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My 5 1/2 yr old is starting Kindergarten in the fall. We are blessed to have him in a good Catholic school. I am excited for him to go to K. Some say it comes fast, but for us he is almost six (barely missed the cut off) so I just feel grateful we got a little extra time together. And I know he is ready. My 3 1/2 yr old has recently turned a corner. He is pretending to read books by retelling them, he is trying to count to 30, he counts and labels letters wherever he goes, he is rhyming, and he has started to play Hi Ho Cheerio with us. It feels a bit like the end of an era.<br />
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I continued to look on the bright side, ahead to travels with the boys, etc. And I was able to do something I have wanted to do for years. I switched my part time work schedule so I could participate in the diocese's women's bible study on Thursday mornings. My 3 1/2 yr old will go to Catechesis of the Good Shepherd (CGS) with all the children 3 and older, while I attend the study. I can't wait to be surrounded by practicing Catholics. I didn't have as many like-minded friends as I thought I would through the Catholic preK. I am hoping, through moving to the big school (K-8) community and the bible study, this will change. I know some women in the study, and they are awesome. Women of all ages join.<br />
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Yesterday, as I was registering, I had a realization that slapped me across the face. My baby is almost four. He will be in the atrium doing CGS. The study is large, so the woman are in smaller groups. The mom's group of the bible study are the ones with children under three that stay with them. I have no children under three. I won't be with the mom's my age. I won't be with the friends I know with their beautiful large families. None of them have a four year gap in their children. They will all have children on their laps. My lap is empty. [Cue the waterworks.]<br />
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I shared this with my husband yesterday. The women I am looking forward to being with are different than me. There will always be this divide. I won't have finally found my home, as I often thought. This is a really hard realization.<br />
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I don't fear being judged. honestly, likely only because its mostly a non-issue. I am quite open about our circumstances. I have thought about this a lot, and I don't think it is just because of pride and not wanting to look like we contracept. It's for education purposes, enlightenment, for them to appreciate what they have, and for me to spread the word about help and hope through the Creighton Model of Family Planning and Naprotechnology. It's also to break the silence. I never know who else might be suffering.<br />
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Perhaps these realizations were harder to swallow because I don't think we will ever adopt. My husband is too comfortable where we are at with the boys' ages, things being easier every day. He doesn't want to restart the roller coaster. It's also a money thing. Or maybe that just his excuse to avoid it. Either way, I don't want to talk him into something he may just resent me for later; or worse, our future adopted child. I had wondered before if fostering to adopt was just too outside his comfort zone. I am giving it over to God and saying a novena to St. Joseph for him.<br />
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So that is where we are right now. Eternally grateful and doing fine most days. Totally at peace with our decision to not actively pursue biological children, and that doesn't ever change. But still, there are moments that come out of nowhere and slap you in the face.<br />
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It's like, in some ways, I feel more infertile now that we have given up ttc. I guess that is because, on Clomid and HCG, and antibiotics, and B6, and mucinex, and amoxicillian, with endo treated and tubes clear, I could always conceive. I was always pregnant within 3 cycles of ttc. Six out of six. I know many of you would kill for that. But our love mostly brought forth death and not life; suffering not joy. And that is my reality. I last conceived Dec. 2012. Our Nicholas. This is by far the longest we have gone without a pregnancy; even when I nursed Charlie and didn't cycle for 13 months, we still conceived Anthony on the first cycle trying. This is just new territory for me. And it just takes some getting used to.<br />
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<br />WheelbarrowRiderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09786312554610653043noreply@blogger.com11