Taking Time Off

I allowed myself to feel bad and pampered myself a little. I knew that not everyone that suffered a miscarriage went through the horrendous nail biting drawn out experience that we had. I did several things to heal. I talked to girls online through an international discussion board on infertility sponsored by a hospital. I gathered up every nice word and condolence and card sent by everyone that had known. I gathered my ultrasound pictures and the painstakingly detailed account of the pregnancy and put it together into a binder that was covered in pictures from my wedding-pictures that represented love to me. DH and I attended a mass at our church for those who had lost a child.
My sisters and mom all had had miscarriages. I had a friend who went through one at the same time as me, so I talked to these people about it. Slowly I started living again-and thinking about school and work. Everyone had been so understanding that knew, but I had to get on with life. And so I started working on the incomplete I took in one of my classes. I had to write a 25 page paper. And in my mind, I had to finish the incomplete before I could start working on my written comprehensive exams. And there were 4 due, only one complete, and one almost complete. I was supposed to be doing my oral defense in May-it was already scheduled. So that spring semester I stayed busy, even though it was hard, with papers and comps. We also found a house we loved at the end of February. We bought it soon after and then had to get our house ready to go on the market. It was a crazy time.
It was also a time we didn’t think about having babies because we couldn’t. We were supposed to wait 2 cycles after my period returned before trying again. But as we looked ahead to that time, there became a problem. DH works crazy hours in January and February. He didn’t want a baby born during that time, when he couldn’t be there for me and the baby. It was true, but hard to swallow. I was incredulous-the idea that we would not try to have a baby because it would be inconvenient! I would take a baby anytime I could get a baby and I hated the idea of closing the door. I felt it was against doctor’s advice to try as soon as possible. I also had heard from the ladies on the board that many were more fertile after a miscarriage. I didn’t want to waste the opportunity! We came to a compromise I could live with-we would try in March (as soon as the two cycles would be over) and then wait another two cycles for DH. Then we would try nonstop.
We didn’t get pregnant in March. We found out at the monthly blood draw my estrogen had dropped very low. I was put 1 mg estrogen post ovulation for 9 days (add this to all my other meds!). We would test again and see if that was working and enough. It was working, but not enough. We went to 2 mg the following cycle and got a good level back that month. I loved how natural my doctor was, basing everything on my cycle and using as little medicine as necessary. I was so grateful that I didn’t have any side effects from the Clomid as many girls had. I was on a low dose and clearly it was working!
I was glad we took the break we did. It allowed me to see that we needed those two months to get my body ready. I realized it was not good to have that desperate fear of not trying. That showed lack of faith in God, lack of trust. For most of the time I had peace. My faith in God gave me that amazing peace, and I prayed every day to accept God’s will whatever that meant for us. The goal was to follow His will, not to have a child. If a child came of it, wonderful. So that is why we avoided in vitro etc. The Catholic church stands against it for a variety of reasons. I wasn’t even sure why or that I agreed, but I decided until I fully understood that I would follow it anyway. I thought I was giving up something (a cure), but I was willing to do it for God. But what really happened, but I got so much more than in vitro. I got a true diagnosis of what was wrong and real treatment, not just a cover up of symptoms. I was very blessed by following God’s will and I vowed to continue no matter what.
There were some hard times during the break.
It was during the spring semester that I started to feel awkward that some of my friends didn’t know. I felt that in some ways it was nice, like a break from it all. But I am a very open honest person and it felt like a lie not to tell people something that was so profoundly impacting my life. I felt like there was a wall between us. For example, I went out for New Year’s Eve with my friend K, just two days after my D&C. Yet she had no idea. It seemed very strange. But then, how was I to bring it up at a bar? Or so after the fact? Another example was I saw people getting pregnant that were going to be due right after I was. I saw them progress through their pregnancy. I was happy for them, I genuinely was, but there was separateness between us where they didn’t know and therefore shared things that I wanted to say “I know all about that! When I was pregnant…” But I didn’t know how. I began the very painful process of sharing what we had been through with friends. It took a long time-I did it one at a time. Not everyone knew that I wanted to tell when…it happened again.

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