My Lap is Empty

Funny how things can kind of blind side you. We've been going along pretty well here at our house. I have not had PMS the last two cycles, so the HCG remains on the shelf. I have avoided returning to charting, blood draws, and cycle reviews for now. I am enjoying, for the most part, this new season of life. I am blessed by my two children beyond words. And yet, there is still the hole of course. Of children that were conceived, yet not held, and all the "what could have been."

My 5 1/2 yr old is starting Kindergarten in the fall. We are blessed to have him in a good Catholic school. I am excited for him to go to K. Some say it comes fast, but for us he is almost six (barely missed the cut off) so I just feel grateful we got a little extra time together. And I know he is ready. My 3 1/2 yr old has recently turned a corner. He is pretending to read books by retelling them, he is trying to count to 30, he counts and labels letters wherever he goes, he is rhyming, and he has started to play Hi Ho Cheerio with us. It feels a bit like the end of an era.

I continued to look on the bright side, ahead to travels with the boys, etc.  And I was able to do something I have wanted to do for years. I switched my part time work schedule so I could participate in the diocese's women's bible study on Thursday mornings. My 3 1/2 yr old will go to Catechesis of the Good Shepherd (CGS) with all the children 3 and older, while I attend the study. I can't wait to be surrounded by practicing Catholics. I didn't have as many like-minded friends as I thought I would through the Catholic preK. I am hoping, through moving to the big school (K-8) community and the bible study, this will change. I know some women in the study, and they are awesome. Women of all ages join.

Yesterday, as I was registering, I had a realization that slapped me across the face. My baby is almost four. He will be in the atrium doing CGS. The study is large, so the woman are in smaller groups. The mom's group of the bible study are the ones with children under three that stay with them. I have no children under three. I won't be with the mom's my age. I won't be with the friends I know with their beautiful large families. None of them have a four year gap in their children. They will all have children on their laps. My lap is empty. [Cue the waterworks.]

I shared this with my husband yesterday. The women I am looking forward to being with are different than me. There will always be this divide. I won't have finally found my home, as I often thought. This is a really hard realization.

I don't fear being judged. honestly, likely only because its mostly a non-issue. I am quite open about our circumstances. I have thought about this a lot, and I don't think it is just because of pride and not wanting to look like we contracept. It's for education purposes, enlightenment, for them to appreciate what they have, and for me to spread the word about help and hope through the Creighton Model of Family Planning and Naprotechnology. It's also to break the silence. I never know who else might be suffering.

Perhaps these realizations were harder to swallow because I don't think we will ever adopt. My husband is too comfortable where we are at with the boys' ages, things being easier every day. He doesn't want to restart the roller coaster. It's also a money thing. Or maybe that just his excuse to avoid it. Either way, I don't want to talk him into something he may just resent me for later; or worse, our future adopted child. I had wondered before if fostering to adopt was just too outside his comfort zone. I am giving it over to God and saying a novena to St. Joseph for him.

So that is where we are right now. Eternally grateful and doing fine most days. Totally at peace with our decision to not actively pursue biological children, and that doesn't ever change. But still, there are moments that come out of nowhere and slap you in the face.

It's like, in some ways, I feel more infertile now that we have given up ttc. I guess that is because, on Clomid and HCG, and antibiotics, and B6, and mucinex, and amoxicillian, with endo treated and tubes clear, I could always conceive. I was always pregnant within 3 cycles of ttc. Six out of six. I know many of you would kill for that. But our love mostly brought forth death and not life; suffering not joy. And that is my reality. I last conceived Dec. 2012. Our Nicholas. This is by far the longest we have gone without a pregnancy; even when I nursed Charlie and didn't cycle for 13 months, we still conceived Anthony on the first cycle trying. This is just new territory for me. And it just takes some getting used to.



Well, my freedom might be wrapping up soon. It was a false sense of freedom anyone. I was "free" to not take HCG shots and free to have the consequences be a crazy person to my family and walk around angry for no reason. We were also avoiding since I didn't have post peak support (while not really charting). Call me stupid, but neither dh nor I would say I had PMS prior to this experience. Perhaps I just have not had enough cycles free from shots. If I was trying, I was on shots. If I wasn't trying, I usually wasn't cycling.

So here we are. I still have not appealed the insurance company over the HCG and I am still fighting them over Toth's bills. They literally requested all of Dr. Hilger's records. All three full charts. Have fun with that. I asked the nurses to write a summary cover letter. They won't find evidence of IF in there. At least not the kind of evidence I think they are looking for. But have at it.

I realized the other day that I needed to be back on HCG. I need to not be avoiding with my husband during fertile times. I am sure I am not ovulating, but if there is a chance I am, I want to have the support in place. And yes, me being a crazy person factors in too. I decided to just call Kubats with my T3 and ask them to send me HCG too. They already have a script, they are cheaper than my insurance, and perhaps I can get started again in time for this cycle. While it is still $60 (not $100) I am no longer on LDN (Hilgers removed as part of my ttc meds) so it is almost a wash. Now I can be "free" to give myself shots again (ugh, yes, I may try thigh), free to be with my husband whenever, and free to go back to charting, free to have now monthly cycle reviews and blood draws to monitor the HCG. Ugh. I hadn't totally thought that one through. This just might be my life, ttc or not. Every choice we make as a result of our free will definitely has costs associated with it. It is our choice, and we are also the ones left holding the check.

I appreciate all your comments, support, and suggestions last time. E, I can't take prog and estrogen separately due to my factor V leiden. My understanding is I am at greater risk to clot on estrogen and it is dangerous. I did used to really like HCG, so hopefully I can go back to sticking myself and enjoy the results.

I want to write a little adoption post soon. There is really nothing to update, but I have a lot of seemingly conflicting thoughts floating around that I want to just put out there to my wise blog land girlies...until then, God bless each of you. I continue to pray for your intentions.


Insurance is Maddening plus Hormone Forecast

Just a quick update on what is going on in my world:

Within the family, my oldest sister is still following through with her decision to disown me. Easter was alright with her gone. I realize that following God's will, of course, never meant everyone would like you for doing it. I still feel I did the right thing, and that writing that letter was prompted by the Holy Spirit. Confirmation is the continued bubble of peace :)

My little sister is now 24 weeks pregnant with a little boy. He is doing well. She was worried she never felt him move, but sono shows the placenta is in the way. She had a scare on Easter re losing her mucus plug, but her cervix is tight so it should regenerate. They are keeping a close eye on her.

In other drama, as you recall, I was told by our insurance company that our claim was denied due to inconsistent codes.  The location codes of doctor office mixed with home health were especially confusing, and detrimental as home health triggered a pre cert. Of course, that triggered hope they could be redone correctly. I spent a lot of time on the phone today about this. It started with finding out that wasn't at all the reason and that they are awaiting medical records. I clarified Toth had sent them all, and they mistakingly requested them from Hilgers for the HCG request and combined them with the Toth appeal. She said no, they want everything from Hilgers now because Toth's office was flagged as infertility (due to a google search by a nurse-really?!). Okay...we can fight this. First of all, Hilgers records sure don't state IF. Secondly, Toth is a pathologist and I saw him for infection. Third, I don't have the history of X amt of cycles of unsuccessful trying. We knew about various dx and were able to have meds on board from day one so thankfully we were proactive and never got there. Additionally, Hilgers office told us BC/BS was sued and it was now policy that repeat miscarriage is NOT infertility by their definition. So...bring it. Additionally, I called Jessica from Toth's office and she was under the impression the codes were changed based on their conversation. Which wasn't the case, unfortunately, so she is correcting that paperwork so it never gets down to this. I am doing this for me, and for all woman who go down this path. I really hope this reimbursement will come through. Jessica is already excited for all the extra knowledge she gained in the coding process that she can pass along.

So...I haven't been charting. But since I am not on HCG, technically a miracle conception could lead to a miscarriage without post peak support. So for now, I am semi charting and we are avoiding when I have really obvious signs. I need to get back on HCG for many reasons, but...there are barriers. Barrier one is it is flgged for infertility and they aren't covering the $100 a month. Barrier two: my skin is THICK! You really need to go at it with major force. Problem is I have no depth perception and I am afraid to stab myself hard in the wrong spot. Done it. Bad bad bad memories. My dh has never done the stomach ones. I am thinking I should maybe try my thigh, but there is no fat there and it seems painful. How is that not in the muscle? It's a sub cutaneous shot.  So I am struggling mentally with making myself continue this med indefinitely. But I know it is selfish. Plus, I was psycho over Easter and pretty sure it was hormone related. I just felt so angry about everything. I don't remember being like that before. It prompted dh to ask this morning for a hormone forecast, lol. He wanted to know if the forecast was "get the hell out of the house." Yes, I did laugh!

So that's it for now. Dh seems not ready to talk adoption (his work sucks, he is overwhelmed by house projects, the $15k from NY is still fresh in his head, and more) so I just info gather and try to be patient. It may not happen at all, and I am really okay with that even though I do badly want it. Not sure if that makes sense? I am sure $15k back from insurance wouldn't hurt toward that cause.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Resurrection Sunday and are enjoying the Easter season. He is Risen!