12.17.2014

I didn't mean to drop off the planet

Sorry, everyone who is actually still reading (both of you, haha!) I really didn't mean to leave on that very inaccurate note. What happened not long after this post was a small mental breakdown. I was trying to follow the doctor's instructions of still doing post peak HCG shots since there is always the chance I could ovulate randomly or I could ovulate due to healing. Evidently I could heal enough (i.e. infection at bay enough) to ovulate, but not have good hormone levels post peak to support a pregnancy. However, that was very stressful. To continue paying for shots, giving shots, and then the blood draws that come with shots was like not taking a break from the crazy stress of ttc at all. And the worst part for me is now something that used to be easy, giving HCG shots, is no longer. I have thick skin from dairy. I have no depth perception. What results is I have to get enough umph behind the shot to pierce the skin. That's a lot of umph. Especially when I have no depth perception and am scared (due to past experience) I will slam the needle into my fingers holding the skin. Or I will be "rewarded" with the needle basically bouncing off me. And they always would skimp on the number of needles, so I have run out before my meds are out. it's kind of awful. So the most recent and last time I attempted to give myself a shot I had the first real anxiety of my life and spent three hrs crying half naked sitting on the side of the tub. It was horrible. And so I decided I was done. I will heal or I won't. But no more HCG shots.

Honestly, I think the time of healing from Dr. Toth his probably past. What's crazy is I see tons of CM. But we don't avoid and we don't necessarily try, and each month my cycle comes. I had a small stinging/annoyed IF moment last week. I was really sick and went to urgent care. They gave me an X-ray for pneumonia. Tech asked if I can possibly be pregnant. I say, we have issues getting pregnant and aren't on meds to conceive but at the same time we aren't doing anything to avoid pregnancy and I am post ovulation. Her response was curt: so no, she says, and does the x ray. She clearly knows nothing in this area because then she says, so you don't get periods then? No. It isn't like that. I look completely functioning by all intensive purposes. Lack of ovulation isn't shown by lack of period, at least not ever in my case. So frustrating how little people understand IF and general sensitivities.

And each month my baby gets bigger. He is four now. 90% and every day he reminds me he isn't really my baby at all. He is so big, and darling and wonderful. And it isn't right to make him try to stay little. At this age, Charlie was out of a crib by two yrs, he was in a new big boy bed and a room decorated just for him. AJ stays in the nursery, with all its nursery decor. The crib has the toddler bed side, and we still rock him in the chair sometimes when he is struggling. I continue to love and be grateful for our boys. I continue to want another one. I think our best chance is through foster to adopt, but I am not sure if my husband has it in him to live that kind of roller coaster. I hear stories through fb that scare me about people having babies from birth to 14 months that go back to the mom and then the mom loses them and they go to some other foster care, for example. I don't know if I could live that either. Or my boys. So I tell dh I want another. And I let him take the lead. I am about to get a crazy raise at work that will double my salary to make up for the years of basically breaking even working. So we will see where this take us...God has a plan for us. And that plan is perfect. We pray we know it and have the courage to live it out.

I am okay, just feeling a little (okay a lot) cranky. It is weird, and maybe it's just because I got so sick in the middle of sending out cards and decorating, and maybe the warm weather had something to do with it, but it just doesn't very much feel like Advent. I need to figure out what I should be doing differently; maybe it's something more internal than external I need to be doing.