5.05.2011

Pride

One of the hardest parts for me about IF was pride.  I know some of you carry your crosses silently, but I wanted to shout it to the world (if you knew me IRL, I am quite the talker, lol).  But seriously, it was also an issue of pride more than anything.  I wanted our marriage to show the value of children and being open to life.   When it didn't work out that way, I wanted to shout to the world my disclaimers and how looks were deceiving.  I am most in awe of St. Therese from reading Story of a Soul as it is embarrassing how much I like to be rewarded/acknowledged with a "gold star."

We were married in August 2006.  Our first son (that was carried to term) was born October 2008.  Our second son was born November 2010.  The "perfectly" spaced family, no?  And of course, some think we are done; others think we will have one more because we haven't had the girl to make our "perfect" family complete.

I am quick to dispel this myth of the "perfect family" when given the chance. "We aren't waiting for the perfect timing to start our family," I'd say. "We aren't waiting for the perfect timing to have #2."  "We don't plan on stopping our family at one or two children."  "We don't care what the gender of our child is."  "I'd like to keep going until I can't have anymore."  "Fertility is a gift."  "We lost children due to miscarriage-it seems wrong to then say no to the gift of children on our terms when God has been so gracious."  "It's about us being open and waiting for God's timing." Me and my disclaimers.  My pride, lest someone think we were contracepting, etc.

But God is so gracious!  He has used my big mouth and my pride for good, I believe.  He uses it to show the world faithfulness to the church's teaching on reproductive technologies and, in an entirely different way, he really did show those I interacted with the value of children and being open to them, just not in the way I had intended!  Isn't that usually how it works?!  I was so blessed by my prayer buddy I was praying for, Rachel from Barren Woman...Here I was praying for her, and her blog gave a book recommendation, Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman, that was so wonderful!  It was about how things don't always go as planned, but it's God's plan that matters.  It was perfect for my planner personality!  I feel like I have "been away" from my mission of following God's will and this was a step back in the right direction.

Another step I am taking to get back on track is a retreat my parish is hosting.  I am really excited to be attending a "Christ Renews His Parish" retreat in a couple weeks.  It is my understanding it is about discerning God's will, a favorite topic of mine that the wheelbarrow analogy represents.  It will be so good for me to be able to be contemplative for a change.  Maybe if I can quiet myself enough that weekend, I can hear God instead of doing all the talking and see where He wants me to be as a new chapter in my life closes (school).

p.s. Thank you all for the great info on making your own baby food.  I will compile what I have learned and repost.  I am very excited about this!

9 comments:

Julie said...

I too was prideful during this time. I didn't want to look like I was using contraception. Many Catholics actually asked me if we were...or more like they would say in passing "you know that the Church forbids ANY form of artificial birth control, right?"
Duh, I know that! We are more than open to life! Having children is NOT about us. It is about God and His timing.

Julie said...

P.S. I published the microwave post...kinda cheated, but it will lead to you some great resources.

E said...

UGH. Pride, I seem to fight it every minutes of everyday. It can totally rear its ugly head in so many ways, but I can relate to the IF thing.

Mrs. Clara C said...

I'm de-lurking to say a BIG thank you!!! Your talking about your Infertility experience has been so helpful to me. I discovered your blog from Little Catholic Bubble in Jan/Feb 2011. Discovering your blog (and other Catholic IF blogs) has been instrumental in my finding a NaPro Dr in my area (Gianna Center in New Brunswick, NJ). I am sitting in bed recovering from my second Endo surgery.

But I want to say 'Thanks' for blogging about this...it has helped me immensely!

Just a big Thank you, and God Bless you and our family!!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

Yes, yes and YES!!! I know JUST what you mean!!! I'm the same way!

Nicole C said...

I'm the exact same way w/ the disclaimers. I was always so afraid that people assumed we were contracepting after our first, since it was 4 years of secondary IF. Now that we're pregnant with twins I'm SO afraid people think we did IVF!! I always feel the need to explain myself!

polkadot said...

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to burst trying to hold all my disclaimers in. :) I swear IF is making my pride worse!

matchingmoonheads said...

i feel the pride thing too. this IF journey is about humility in more ways than i can count.

margaret said...

hello, i would love to tell you about how i got pregnant and gave birth to a bouncing baby boy, it all happened through a tradomedicaldoctor from malaysia.. he made some portions for me, said some incantations and spell , then told me to make passionate love to my spouse on a particular date, i did and weeks later, i was doing pregnancy tests.. POSITIVE… Thanks to him. check malaysiafertilitydoctor.webs.com or mail him on doctorfertilitymalaysia yahoo.com… GodBless