Standing still

I don't even know where to start.  The longer it is between posts the more my posts become just brief updates.  The last post was accurate.  These days I am literally just being.  It sounds bad.  It isn't.  But I am not moving foward, just standing still.  Projects aren't done.  Heck the house doesn't get beyond straightened, if that.  I haven't got a handle on why things are so nuts.  I haven't even read blogs in a month, which makes me sad.  And it isn't that I am spending more time with dh as I vowed to do.  I am not even having to do school stuff anymore.  Things are just busy with the day to day.  I mean, there are reasons.  But there is always something, so that isn't really that different. AJ is teething.  Big time. And his cold turned in major congestion.  And now diarrhea four days straight, even diapers through the night and lots of extra wakings and changing him and airing his poor red bum out and applying lots of anti fungal and cream....And Charlie is teething.  And starting yesterday he became a crazy hot mess. So the end is near.  I think.  I hope.  He is a crazy slow teether and the top two incisors are at their thickest part coming through.

Things are busy and a little mundane but they aren't bad (I am not complaining about having children, I would just love to spend more time one on one with them instead of talking to them from the kitchen doing dishes, etc)  AJ actually has slept through the night 2 or 3 times in the last month.  I gave dh the go ahead to plan a vacation for our 5 year anniversary since the pumping won't be so bad.  It won't be a long trip, but a much needed few days of sleep and togetherness (and no dishes or laundry).  And dh is doing better with the boys alone, allowing me a feeling of freedom to take friends up on their invitations for a dinner out for a few hours on a weeknight etc, something its been longer than I care to recall since I've done last.  I came home floating realizing a weight had been lifted.  My dh can now do everything well with both boys at the same time, feed, play, sleep, diapers, baths, and so I don't feel like it is all on me all the time.

But a new thing just occurred that really rocked the boat for me.  Besides my title having to wait to change (based on my graduation), my funding has been slowly decreasing as the grants we work on end and the new ones don't get funded or we are still waiting to hear from them.  It is frustrating, and a little scary, to be on such unsettling ground, but we knew it was coming.  And then yesterday, my boss invites me in and drops the bomb that the funding is going away faster than we thought.  A whole lot faster.  Read between the lines-someone got separated from her spouse and they are removing my funding more to keep her afloat.  Its odd, I know, but it is the good and bad thing about my work group, they take care of each other.  I have a dh that makes good money.  Hers left her and she is the only income right now.  And they are trying to keep her just part time.  But I am going to no time.  Almost for sure.  But not totally for sure-crazy ambiguity.  Instead of freaking out, I just waited for more information.  I found out from my supervisor we will know more next week.  So I am waiting.  unusually calm and seriously knowing that God will put me where he wants me.  And that change is uncomfortable, but may be it is time to move on and grow as a result. 

I could tell God's hand was in it due to the peace I had.  This peace came from a God-incidence. It just so happens that I had to move offices yesterday and going through my stuff.  I found inspirational cards that spoke right to my heart.  I moved my coursework files, which reminded me how much I had learned in my time in the program, even if it was buried far in the depths of my head at the moment.  I found fliers and papers that reminded me of groups in the state I am qualified to work for.  I found my meyers-briggs results telling me my strengths.  I found a document I typed up for myself about why I pursued my program and why I left the fields I previously studied and didn't work in them.  It made me more confident.  I have options.  I am qualified.  It may be time to move on if that is the way it goes.  I know God is totally in that. 

At the recent Christ Renews His Spirit retreat, I had an overwhelming experience that I had left the Holy Spirit, gotten away from doing God's will and saying my prayer and putting my trust in Him.  I tried to share my favorite prayer and stumbled on the words.  I had forgotten some-it had been too long!  I rediscovered the Holy Spirit that weekend, who had never left me and was just waiting for me to recognize it was there all along.  A letter from someone praying for me that weekend actually included the prayer card with the prayer on it.  It was as if the Holy Spirit found its way back to me!  I literally bawled!  God is so amazing.  As you can imagine, Pentecost Sunday left me in tears as well.  God's love for us just overwhelmed me.  I know that having the Holy Spirit back in my life is really what is making the difference with how I feel this peace amongst change.  It reminds me of a beautiful book "Choosing to SEE" written by Steven Curtis Chapman's wife.  She really likes to plan things out like I do, but God has a different plan, and slowly she is learning to trust and be guided. I highly recommend you attend this retreat in your parish's-they are national and spreading.  There is a website if you google the name.

However, for my husband dealing with the uncertainty will be extremely difficult.  He is all about the bottom line.  His job is stressful right now and he is looking elsewhere (if you know me IRL please keep that private).  He is already feeling the responsibility of supporting all of us, even though I bring in a tiny bit.  I don't want this news to send him over the edge.  Please say a prayer for me and my work situation (that I am where God wants me, where I can grow, make a difference, contribute to my family's finances) and that dh will be okay through what may be a rough transition and learn to trust.  I appreciate your prayers so much!  Though I have not been able to read your updates, friends, you are still never far from my heart and mind and always always in my prayers.


Lisa said...

Praying. We're in the same boat with my hubby's job, so I can really sympathize there. As for the funding-- prayers your way. Hang in there.

And sitting in a bath with baking soda helps heal and soothe a sad tush. That, and Vaseline over any cream, and more Vaseline once it heals, is my go-to cure. Good luck

Nicole C said...

Sorry things are so hectic! I've been there. It's the worst when you can't even pinpoint WHY they're hectic!

Katie @ Persevere in Prayer said...

Thanks for the update! I'm glad you had a good time at CRHP. My home parish did those retreats, but I never got a chance to go to any of them, and now my current parish doesn't offer any. Prayers!

Second Chances said...

Oh gosh, I hope your job irons itself out soon. You're right, those are scary times. But your attitude of trust in God is so perfect. He will lead you. And good things will come of it. Keeping you in prayer friend :)

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Oh, praying for you, sister!

Clara said...

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers!