1.25.2013

Crushed in Spirit (or From Success to Failure Overnight)

Lots of thoughts are running through my head right now. Since this is an IF blog, I figure its a decent place to record them. No need to comment. I know which ones are silly, unfounded, or downright insane. I see dumbledore pulling thoughts out of his head with the wand and putting them in the pool of water. Maybe if I dispose of them here...poof. Gone. Lol. But first a little background...

On Thursday, my sitter (also a wonderful friend and AJ's godmom) asked me "so, do you just not think about it so you can keep going about your day and get done what you need to?" or something to that effect. Yes, she was exactly right. Thinking about it wouldn't help anything. Only time would tell. I told her I didn't think God wanted me to be anxious and that worrying wouldn't speed up time. Plus I am fortunate as worrying isn't really a big part of my nature (a huge blessing). So I went about my day. I didn't really cry. Things were still up in the air. I pretty much new. But it wasn't confirmed. So I kind of felt bad to mourn. I don't know.

Today was confirmation. I thought somehow I could continue on like before, but things have changed. And I think I new that. I wasted a lot of today. I sat in the parking lot of the hospital with my phone a good thirty minutes before I walked in. I almost called someone to talk me into walking in the door. But I finally made it happen. I went and saw my mom after. She asked a few questions. For once in my life I gave short answers, brushed her off, and said I didn't want to talk about it. After all, at that time I was waiting for the results. I didn't want to talk until I knew something.

I got the results in the Target parking lot. I cried. I spent awhile in my car before I went in. I looked like a train wreck. Smeared make up from the day before-and that was before the tears. What I don't like about today is the fact that the tears are really sneaking up on me, spilling out when I least expect it. When I am not particularly thinking about it. Like at the dinner table when I sped quickly upstairs so my boys didn't see them.

Lots of thoughts are going through my head that I would rather not be there. Things that aren't particularly helpful and I know that. Things like I went from a Napro success to a failure overnight. I do not want to give our NFP talk at the intro sessions we typically do about quarterly. We've had two miscarriages since our last talk. Those are edits I don't want to make. I like being a mentor, helping people through IF. Navigate what I have been through and learned from. I don't feel I have anything to share right now that would help. Two losses. Two babies born. Two more losses. If there were not our boys in between what a different story it would be. But we have our boys. Thank God we have our boys. Four losses. Four babies gone. But one isn't gone. He is still hear. Just dying. Dying inside me. God help me and my wreck of a body. Am I done? Is AJ my last baby here on earth? I never thought he would be. I wasn't prepared for that. I shouldn't assume. And yet I did. The boys were going to share a room. Another baby was supposed to be in that nursery. That f***ing nursery. I can't stand the thought of it empty. AJ is potty training. Talking up a storm. He is hardly my baby. He is the size of a three yr old. Growing up so fast. Preschool in the fall, maybe even this summer. Then no more babies with my sitter friend. She has had one of my kids since Charlie was three months old. She will have to move on to other work, I imagine. I would never have felt comfortable working if my kids hadn't been able to go to her. Will there ever be another baby? Will my body ever be healed?  Would treatment equal healing in other areas too and therefore be worthy? Or would it be money that could be better spent on adoption? Four losses. That's more than any mother's heart can take. So many losses. Shouldn't I be insane by now? Maybe I am and don't know it. There is still time, I am sure. A funeral mass. I think we need it. I am not ready to bring the idea up to dh yet. Tuesday. Tuesday I will see the doctor. Tuesday or that week I will have a scan. We will have next steps. Someone from Dr. Hilger's office will call when they get the results. They always say the right things. Tomorrow the IV comes out. The ladies at that infusion company know of every success and every loss I have had. They celebrate and they cry with me. I can't imagine getting through the IV coming out without sobbing. Whole body shaking sobs. Another failure. I will have to have dh take the boys somewhere. I don't mind them knowing I am sad or seeing me cry, but I don't want to scare them. And Charlie will be full of questions. I think I have already said too much about his siblings in heaven. I originally wanted it to be a fact he always knew so it was not a surprise one day. He seems okay with it and then he does or says something and I think I've made a mistake telling him and it's too much for his sweet sensitive soul to take. I can't add another to that.  Dh. Has told no one. Does not have the support system I have. Not to mention guys don't particularly talk about these kinds of things. He didn't tell his mom we were pregnant. She is the one he is closest too. I encouraged him tonight to tell her. Can you imagine talking to no one. His work is super busy this time of year. He has a cold. He goes from work to bed right now. No social contact really. So he isn't exactly going to pick up the phone and say, "hey, we had another one." So pray for him please. All he has is me. Speaking of telling others, I am beginning to think about what others think. I don't normally. But at least twice this year friends told me they aren't having more because they are grateful for what they have. I took offense. Do they think I am not grateful for what I have just because I want more? Are they judging me, I wondered? Well if they weren't before, they are now. Why isn't she just grateful for what she has? And now, even worse, people might think they know our situation. They might think I am desperate for a baby at all cost, even to keep conceiving over and over again, knowing there is a good chance of loss. Selfish is what they will think. Absolutely selfish. Why is she doing that to herself? To others? I picture them feeling sorry for me, for my husband. For being so desperate and not being grateful for what I have. Thinking we are irresponsible for conceiving life. People know. People I love know about this baby. This loss doesn't just hurt dh and I. It hurts our parents immensely. It hurts our siblings, especially my sister that has been through so much already. But I do not regret telling them. They want to know. To share in the joy and the pain. But it does make my pain deeper, knowing this hurts them too. And it is not lost on me that while my baby is losing its battle with life, others are celebrating forty years of murder in the womb. No, it isn't fair.

Thankfully these thoughts don't run 24/7. I don't work that way. I can shut them off. Distract. Go about life. I do manage to function between these thoughts. But they are sneaking up on me. As are the tears. It is going to be really hard to be around people the next few weeks, not knowing when all of this is going to rise up within me. I hope people can be patient with me during this time, I am going to need it!

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).
Stolen from Star of Hope

12 comments:

E said...

oh gosh. I am so sorry. You have lots and lots of suffering to offer up. Lean on the Blessed Mother, she is very comforting. Prayers for healing.

allyouwhohope said...

Oh, I'm so, so sorry. I'm crying as I read this. It's so heartbreakingly honest. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Lea said...

I don't think I've ever commented before, but I want you to know my heart breaks for you and you are in my prayers.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

I'm so sorry Jamie.

Amanda said...

Praying for you.

Tridentine Wife said...

I'm sorry. For everything you are going through, I'm sorry.

Mrs. Mike said...

Jaime--I have not been able to comment on your blog for the longest time...not sure why. I'm just heartbroken for you. The Psalm at the end of your post was what popped into mind as I was reading it before I even saw the title. Be assured of my prayers for you.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry. This is way too much to deal with. Praying for you and family.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I've been behind on blogs. I am so very sorry for what you're experiencing and for your family. No. You are not selfish. At all. I will continue to pray for you. I just feel terrible I can't do or say more than that.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Jamie - I am so sorry. I prayed for you at Mass this morning and will continue to pray for you. Love, M

St. Rita's Roses said...

I am crying with you. I do not know what to say. I am praying for you.

KJL said...

I am so, so sorry. My heart just aches for you. You and your husband will certainly be in our prayers.

Remember, it is not selfish to persist in having children--that which requires the ultimate gift of self. The Lord knows you, and that is all that matters. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.