I think sometimes half of our brain blocks the other half from knowing what's up to protect us. I heard an interview with Dean Koontz recently regarding his new book, The City. He said he was to the end before he realized it was about himself as a boy. His wife knew. But he didn't. Interesting. Back to that random thought in a minute.
To pick up from last time, I got that amazing raise! And my dumb brain kept going over things to spend it on. My plan was a rare guilt free splurge on myself before we started considering it regular income. Should I get my teeth whitened by the dentist using the trays? Should it be much bigger? Like corrective eye surgery? You should know I have rarely met anyone with such bad vision, and I probably shouldn't be in these hard contacts my whole life, but they are the only thing that correct me properly. I still have issues with glare and such. So I am pondering all of this. But not telling dh because I wanted to know for sure it was approved and the exact amount. So he just knew a very conservative number.
At the same time, I am just pining for another child in a strong way-however it may arrive :). I just felt I am getting older (will be 37 in June), AJ is getting older (was 4 in Nov), and I hate the limbo of keeping him in the nursery. I want to either make it his, or move him to another room in preparation of foster care/adoption. So I had increased talking about this to dh. A lot. And clearly he had noticed.
One day, I was going on and on and dh got upset about it. He is definitely more financial savvy (a CPA) and he worries about money (even though we are totally fine-he just knows too much). He stresses because his good paying job is great, but his boss is beyond AWFUL and he has looked for years, but he is too high up and we'd have to move. Neither of us wants to move. So money stresses him. He always worries he will blow up and lose his job or quit out of frustration. He would ideally change fields which would take a pay cut. And my pay was just peanuts. I am in education, work part time, and then you add childcare (which was half of my take home). So dh says, I told you this was off the table because of money. Well, duh. That's where one side of my brain decides to inform the other. And dh that I got a raise. And that is clearly what it is meant for. His response: well why didn't you tell me. Okay. Conversation back on the table. Woohoo! He still wasn't open to the adoption agency the Sisters run with great results (it comes with the typical large fees, but a shorter wait and mostly deals with infants). But he wanted to go to the foster agency's intro session when work calmed down in the spring.
Somewhere around that time, I got a little crazy idea to ttc. Don't ask me why. I honestly don't think it was intentional. We are always open, but let's just say my interest isn't there too much and the timing is probably not on anymore. I had been thinking, what would dh want for Christmas and, well kind of embarrassed to say I figured he would want to bd more (lol). Then I decided a) it was dumb to say out loud and b) I may not go through with any sort of promise. So we did more, but I didn't say anything out loud. At one point he asked me and I did explain. I started seeing really good observations, not intentionally but it was obvious. So I recorded them on my phone and when we bd, just knowing there was more possibility this month than there had been for awhile and not wanting to be clueless on dates. I wasn't crazy about it because this is the new peaceful me remember. We didn't bd on the last day of peak type because we didn't feel like it (dh was getting a cold, etc). No big deal. No crazy over here. I also didn't really do any post bd instructions. I peed and beared down a bit. Nothing official. I was pretty happy our last fertile bd day was New Year's eve, and had figured a due date roughly, because I am still a bit crazy like that. What can I say?
But knowing we were bd more often, I took prenatal, aspirin, and T3/synthroid meticulously. Interestingly, my bbs were sore around ovulation. I thought, who knows, maybe I ovulated on my own. So I asked Dr. Hilgers for a requisition to check. I was thinking, if yes and not pregnant, we would try two more cycles if I ovulated and be more careful with prenatal etc.
I did talk to my best friend about thinking I saw implantation bleeding. I can't believe I don't know what day! But you know what? Just as quick I thought it was blood that maybe had stayed through a wash from another time. I really thought I was making stuff up. I did read Georgie's sweet comment on my last post around this time. And I smiled. Truly my brain had not processed it may take two years to heal. I did know that, but I didn't seem to believe it with the other half of my brain. That day I believed. If not today, maybe someday.
Peak plus 7 came and went. My son was vomiting so I passed on the blood test. There was no way I was going to be able to leave the house. I figured, if I was pregnant, I would know soon enough. I figured I wasn't, of course, just wanted to be careful. I monitored for symptoms. None stood out to me. Except way more easily winded, and that could have been easily due to the fact I had some nasty bronchitis around early Dec that resulted in me using an inhaler. I discontinued this after ovulation, just in case, not wanting to ask anyone. I maybe was tired, maybe hungry, but those aren't symptoms enough. Crazy sense of smell, now that symptom would have convinced me for sure.
In the name of taking progesterone early, I tested at home early. Now recall, I have always been on hcg and couldn't test at home. I tested a bit here and there after giving up Clomid just to be sure, so I had a test on hand. I think it was peak plus 9. It was negative. Then I saw how bad the stats were that early. I told husband it was negative and he said, but you could still be. Yes, technically it's possible I replied. And so I put tests on the grocery list. And my husband walked around smiling and calling me his "big woman." (He is only allowed to call me that pregnant, so I laughed, but put the smack down on that nickname. I have gained a lovely 10 Christmas pounds).
Which leads me to today, (peak plus 12) buying tests at Target. Peeing in the bathroom there with my 4 year old because who can wait to exit a store? And about peeing myself again getting the faintest positive. Wait, have I been peeing more often?! Texting Jill, the queen of early testing for advice, and others for prayer requests only. Calling my ob asking for an HCG stat because I wouldn't believe it until I saw a number. Which the ding dang nurse declined, but offered a regular. I got off the phone and left a msg for Hilgers, knowing they aren't timely, then drove home and searched for a paper or electronic requisition. I found one, slapped the word stat and series on it (don't judge my mama bear instincts!) and took it the lab, canceling my doc appt. I checked my progesterone stash on the way out and lets just say it is more than adequate to get me through. Less than 45 min later I had a "29" in hand. It was faxed to Dr. H and I dropped it off at my OB's office in the same building. Take that, annoying nurse. Progesterone wasn't stat because I didn't write it for both (rookie mistake). I figure it doesn't matter. Dr. H puts me on it while waiting anyway (it was always done in Omaha, but now my lab won't ship it) and it won't be accurate anyway. I was on progesterone 36 weeks with both boys despite some good levels (when he would take me off, it would drop terribly and scare us both).
I called dh and told him he was allowed to call me big woman :) He got the hint and was happy to give me progesterone shots tonight.
Keep in mind, we are still in new territory here. We are not taking any clomid or post peak hcg shots. I am going clearly on the assumption that if I heal, ovulation is a sign. But I have no idea if I will have better post peak levels to sustain even to the point of testing. No idea.
Right now I feel:
- confident in my choice to not take clomid again; accepting of the fact that I could not physically take HCG post peak and committed to giving baby everything I can from this point on.
- happy a life is growing. This is baby 7! And if that isn't a great number, I don't know what is
- cautiously optimistic-we have no idea what the future brings-but if I can ovulate on my own, maybe just maybe I can carry to term?
- well aware we are in unchartered territory. I have no peak plus 7 level or any idea if the lack of post peak support has hurt the baby. I have never had an HCG level this early. I was on no antibiotics. I have never not been able to mail out progesterone levels.
- regretting the 10 Christmas pounds
- hoping we can still foster/adopt even if this baby is here in 9 months because I am greedy like that about babies!
- taking things one day at a time and every other cliche you can think of