Not Eventful First OB Appt, Lab, Injections

I survived the "new OB" appt. I survived a new nurse that doesn't know me. I survived the how many live births and how many pregnancies question. I survived (and even smiled) being handed the bag (full of hospital registration info and samples), even though it stays untouched and out of site.

I did see the doctor, but didn't get scanned. His scans are less accurate for early, and the ultrasound tech wasn't in that day. We made an appt for Monday (5w5d) for my first and for the following Tues (6w6d) to look for a heartbeat.

I got my first progesterone draw, and it went great. The lab I always used no longer mails to PPVI, so I wasn't sure what to do. PPVI actually mentioned to me who they receive blood from in the area, which was very helpful. The lab told me they do it all the time, and seemed competent. I guess the test will be if it gets there! I am curious to see if there was healing in that area.

HCG shots are going well. Dh is giving them in my thigh without too much trouble. HCG insurance is another story. Kubats got a request for precert so I paid out of pocket this month ($250-by far the cheapest!). Then I called my insurance. Usually if you go to their mail order pharmacy, they have the ability to access your medical benefits (not just pharmacy). Often medical will cover injectible specialty meds when pharmacy denies them. I found out after lots of calls that medical actually denied it as well. The pharmacy they wanted me to go to for coverage (if there had been any), was Freedom Fertility Pharmacy. So then it gets confusing stating it isn't for fertility, I don't have any fertility benefits, etc. Can you believe their cost is over $900 for a month? Yikes! So the plan now is to request Dr. Hilger's office to submit a letter of medical necessity. They told me they were willing to do anything as they see me being on this long term. I did, however, see something online about HCG during pregnancy being harmful, so while I trust Dr. H, I did ask them in an email to help me understand the risk.

That is it for now. The boys are doing a decent job distracting me, and I suppose it's time to get the Christmas tree down. :) Illness kept us from doing anything after Christmas officially ended. And I have a few fun things planned to look forward to. Dh and I are going on a movie date tonight (american sniper) and I have been arranging a few girl's nights. If you don't mind, I would appreciate continued prayers as this is the period (20-24 dpo) that levels really dropped and signified an issue for us. If you want, you can join me in my novena to St. Gerard. And please include some friends in your prayers. One woman just had her fourth baby, a boy after three girls. However, her husband has colon cancer and a big surgery coming up. Another friend is still mourning the loss of her baby at 37 weeks. I have several friends discerning or at some point in the adoption journey, and you may have heard of this blogger, http://luckyassunshine.blogspot.com/, who experienced a terrible late loss just recently.

Happy Day

The level yesterday was 1169 (18 dpi) -very happy it continues to triple in 48 hrs. Had a little cramping yesterday. I know growing pains are normal, so I am not going to worry unless worrying is called for!  Needles and HCG came from Kubats. Continue to fight insurance on this, but now I have a little breathing room by paying the first month. So prog and HCG shot tonight is the plan.

I also looked up baby's due date and found several saints' feast days. Gerard was on there, but not the right one :) The same was true for Anthony, but we named him that anyway (and of course, he didn't actually come on his due date). His name meaning flourishing was all it took to seal the deal-what mama could ask for more than the child in her womb to flourish?!

Good Numbers Continue

I got another draw last night. It would have been earlier, but dh is working crazy hrs and AJ has the flu. Possibly from me taking him with me to these draws. :( The level last night was 396, so I continue to be pleased. And while I know you can't really compare too much across pregnancies (one was a different lab too), AJ had lower numbers at this point. Charlie and Michael (my first and healthiest/latest loss) were higher. All my other losses were lower. So this baby is in good company.

In other news, Charlie has the flu now. Boo! The good news is once we get the high fevers under control, they aren't even close to miserable. I continue to be on Tamiflu and so does dh. AJ is fever free without meds, so that is good news. And my mom was kind enough to hit a few stores for me and drop it on my porch.

Is This a Test?

So I have a theory. And it only has a sample size of 6, so I would love for you to weigh in. I looked over my HCGs from the past. Normally I look at percent growth and try to make heads or tails. But today I noticed something different. See, I always knew that there was some things the doc say to make you feel better about a crappy HCG. It goes like this. First you are told it should double every 48. Then you are told it actually can take72hrs. Then you are told it's okay, as long as it doesn't go down. Then you are told some excuse for it going down. Exception-lab variability is very real. Do not change labs unless you have to and never compare one lab with anthers. Note, this is all based on my six experiences and nothing more. But I have found that my babies just do more than double initially in just 48hrs if all is well. You see below, M is my only case that did awesome at first and then did poorly. That is because he was my first infection baby and that is how infection works. The next baby was much sicker. What I am rambling about is revolutionary to me-every baby that didn't make it didn't double by 24dpo. It can be really close (Anthony), but if it doesn't by far, it never worked out. Why does this matter? Before, it was always the heartbeat that meant relief. Correction-an on time heartbeat. This is why dates matter. Dates are off all the time. But if you 100% know your dates from charting, then no one can say come back in a weak it's probably off, and keep you in limbo. You know this isn't good. Knowing sooner is better, in my opinion. So heart beat is early notice (6.5 weeks, same as 28dpo), but 22 and 24 dpo is even sooner. I will come back to this point.

	12dpo	14dpo	15dpo	16dpo	17dpo	18dpo	19dpo	20dpo	21dpo	22dpo	23dpo	24dpo	25dpo	26dpo	27dpo
M				514		1544		3438				5271		5184
G				279		321		353		444
C			546		1201		1838*		3365					12708
A				207			500		1634		3219			5247
G								899		1300s		2209 (sat)
N				47		100		215				625
K?	29	114	n/a	X	n/a	X	n/a		X

AJ has the flu. Type A. He maybe was a little warm yesterday. He was clearing his throat a lot, some junk was bothering him. He woke at 1:30am saying his eyes hurt and he was thirsty. He had a fever of 103. I wasn't too concerned. I stripped him down to summer pi's (because I knew he was burying in covers), gave him Gatorade and a popsicle, along with some advil and sent him back to bed. He woke at 6:30am (too early for more Advil) with a fever of 104.5. I wasn't messing around. I was out of Tylenol. I didn't want it to get any higher. Off to Children's Mercy ER we went. He was a brave one! The strep test wasn't able to be done in one swab and he willingly opened for her to get another. He got a chest x ray and a nose swab. They wouldn't have swabbed him, but because I am pregnant, it would make a difference in his care (Tamiflu). He didn't like the swab. But as soon as Advil kicked in, he perked right up. Sweet boy, you know he asked me today to pray a rosary with him? First time ever! God, of course, and also the fact we went yesterday and said one at adoration. My doc is worried about me getting flu, so it's Tamiflu for me too. And despite this, God has it. He has us, me and this baby, wrapped in His loving arms. (will add pics if I can get them to download!)

Dr. Hilger's nurse Stephanie called back today. I really love her. She said Dr. Hilgers has been spending a lot of time with my chart. I am sure-quite interesting reading. :) I am the four who had Dr. Toth's full treatment that I know of. Pretty sure he is following me closely, as he continues to learn daily. Dr. Hilgers wants me on HCG. I have heard of women on this to increase progesterone. It started after my last loss, I believe. Dh is going to give them to me, thankfully because I can't go there again. Not even for a baby because it has nothing to do with desire. It's about debilitating anxiety. But dh will give them and it will be fine. I realized something on the call though; once I take that first shot (obviously sooner is better), its no more HCG quants for me from the lab. I will get Sat and Monday, but then I will get the meds in the mail, and it will skew the result. So there goes that theory and the idea of earlier knowledge.

But you know what, I am okay. I feel like God is saying, are you really at peace? Is your faith in me? Or are you still trying to control? You said the baby is mine. Is that really true? So I am giving it to Him. Every bit of control over this baby. I don't want it. You are the one I want in control. You know best. Take my HCG quants, take my early sono, whatever you want to take it is yours. I will do all the shots, or none of the shots.  Your will be done.

114-14dpo

Last night I prepared for bible study today and it was just beautiful. We are doing Romans (love!) and this time it was all about suffering.

I also woke up to an email from Dr. Toth in the night about the Clindamycin. He told me the drug may not kill the infection, but it likely won't multiply and will allow for better implantation. As I progress, he may give me something else. So we started it today. My feelings are...if God wants this, He will make it happen despite our mistakes; if God doesn't want this, nothing we do matters. I could totally be wrong, I have never felt this way before, but it is good to give up control. I also continue to try and offer the baby to God daily, and try to desire His will to be mine.

My husband is working extra hours this time of year, so I had to do school drop of for Charlie today. Which meant I had some down time between that and bible study. So I slipped into the adoration chapel with AJ and discovered they were doing the Divine Mercy Chaplet and rosary, which was awesome. Following that, we had a fantastic discussion of suffering at bible study.

I went on to do the blood draw at the hospital. I was feeling good because I had POAS that morning and found a dark positive. I was very pleased with the 114 result and took it up to my ob, same as before. We made a new ob appt. These are basically worthless, but required to get any care. Thankfully, they don't make me wait 8 weeks or anything and we just do them whenever. Mine is next Thursday, which is fine. I know they will give me the hospital registration and sample packet. I refused this last time. It was the worst having it around after a loss. I told them to keep it for later! But he will probably scan me that day, because he is awesome like that, so we will be able to see a sac if my levels keep up.

Tonight I asked Charlie to pray for me. He said "God please give mommy another baby." I smiled. He is so sweet, and desperately wants another sibling. He has been asking daily for sometime, and I told him to ask God not me, but this was a first that I have heard. :)

Dean Koontz's Brain and Unchartered Territory

Two posts in one month's time?! Shocker I know. Let's just say you will want to stick through to the end on this one, despite my horrible hurried scattered writing.

I think sometimes half of our brain blocks the other half from knowing what's up to protect us. I heard an interview with Dean Koontz recently regarding his new book, The City. He said he was to the end before he realized it was about himself as a boy. His wife knew. But he didn't. Interesting. Back to that random thought in a minute.

To pick up from last time, I got that amazing raise! And my dumb brain kept going over things to spend it on. My plan was a rare guilt free splurge on myself before we started considering it regular income. Should I get my teeth whitened by the dentist using the trays? Should it be much bigger? Like corrective eye surgery? You should know I have rarely met anyone with such bad vision, and I probably shouldn't be in these hard contacts my whole life, but they are the only thing that correct me properly. I still have issues with glare and such. So I am pondering all of this. But not telling dh because I wanted to know for sure it was approved and the exact amount. So he just knew a very conservative number.

At the same time, I am just pining for another child in a strong way-however it may arrive :). I just felt I am getting older (will be 37 in June), AJ is getting older (was 4 in Nov), and I hate the limbo of keeping him in the nursery. I want to either make it his, or move him to another room in preparation of foster care/adoption. So I had increased talking about this to dh. A lot. And clearly he had noticed.

One day, I was going on and on and dh got upset about it. He is definitely more financial savvy (a CPA) and he worries about money (even though we are totally fine-he just knows too much). He stresses because his good paying job is great, but his boss is beyond AWFUL and he has looked for years, but he is too high up and we'd have to move. Neither of us wants to move. So money stresses him. He always worries he will blow up and lose his job or quit out of frustration. He would ideally change fields which would take a pay cut. And my pay was just peanuts. I am in education, work part time, and then you add childcare (which was half of my take home). So dh says, I told you this was off the table because of money. Well, duh. That's where one side of my brain decides to inform the other. And dh that I got a raise. And that is clearly what it is meant for. His response: well why didn't you tell me. Okay. Conversation back on the table. Woohoo! He still wasn't open to the adoption agency the Sisters run with great results (it comes with the typical large fees, but a shorter wait and mostly deals with infants). But he wanted to go to the foster agency's intro session when work calmed down in the spring.

Somewhere around that time, I got a little crazy idea to ttc. Don't ask me why. I honestly don't think it was intentional. We are always open, but let's just say my interest isn't there too much and the timing is probably not on anymore. I had been thinking, what would dh want for Christmas and, well kind of embarrassed to say I figured he would want to bd more (lol). Then I decided a) it was dumb to say out loud and b) I may not go through with any sort of promise. So we did more, but I didn't say anything out loud. At one point he asked me and I did explain. I started seeing really good observations, not intentionally but it was obvious. So I recorded them on my phone and when we bd, just knowing there was more possibility this month than there had been for awhile and not wanting to be clueless on dates. I wasn't crazy about it because this is the new peaceful me remember. We didn't bd on the last day of peak type because we didn't feel like it (dh was getting a cold, etc). No big deal. No crazy over here. I also didn't really do any post bd instructions. I peed and beared down a bit. Nothing official. I was pretty happy our last fertile bd day was New Year's eve, and had figured a due date roughly, because I am still a bit crazy like that. What can I say?

But knowing we were bd more often, I took prenatal, aspirin, and T3/synthroid meticulously. Interestingly, my bbs were sore around ovulation. I thought, who knows, maybe I ovulated on my own. So I asked Dr. Hilgers for a requisition to check. I was thinking, if yes and not pregnant, we would try two more cycles if I ovulated and be more careful with prenatal etc.

I did talk to my best friend about thinking I saw implantation bleeding. I can't believe I don't know what day! But you know what? Just as quick I thought it was blood that maybe had stayed through a wash from another time. I really thought I was making stuff up. I did read Georgie's sweet comment on my last post around this time. And I smiled. Truly my brain had not processed it may take two years to heal. I did know that, but I didn't seem to believe it with the other half of my brain. That day I believed. If not today, maybe someday.

Peak plus 7 came and went. My son was vomiting so I passed on the blood test. There was no way I was going to be able to leave the house. I figured, if I was pregnant, I would know soon enough. I figured I wasn't, of course, just wanted to be careful. I monitored for symptoms. None stood out to me. Except way more easily winded, and that could have been easily due to the fact I had some nasty bronchitis around early Dec that resulted in me using an inhaler. I discontinued this after ovulation, just in case, not wanting to ask anyone. I maybe was tired, maybe hungry, but those aren't symptoms enough. Crazy sense of smell, now that symptom would have convinced me for sure.

In the name of taking progesterone early, I tested at home early. Now recall, I have always been on hcg and couldn't test at home. I tested a bit here and there after giving up Clomid just to be sure, so I had a test on hand. I think it was peak plus 9. It was negative. Then I saw how bad the stats were that early. I told husband it was negative and he said, but you could still be. Yes, technically it's possible I replied. And so I put tests on the grocery list. And my husband walked around smiling and calling me  his "big woman." (He is only allowed to call me that pregnant, so I laughed, but put the smack down on that nickname. I have gained a lovely 10 Christmas pounds).

Which leads me to today, (peak plus 12) buying tests at Target. Peeing in the bathroom there with my 4 year old because who can wait to exit a store? And about peeing myself again getting the faintest positive. Wait, have I been peeing more often?! Texting Jill, the queen of early testing for advice, and others for prayer requests only. Calling my ob asking for an HCG stat because I wouldn't believe it until I saw a number. Which the ding dang nurse declined, but offered a regular. I got off the phone and left a msg for Hilgers, knowing they aren't timely, then drove home and searched for a paper or electronic requisition. I found one, slapped the word stat and series on it (don't judge my mama bear instincts!) and took it the lab, canceling my doc appt. I checked my progesterone stash on the way out and lets just say it is more than adequate to get me through. Less than 45 min later I had a "29" in hand. It was faxed to Dr. H and I dropped it off at my OB's office in the same building. Take that, annoying nurse. Progesterone wasn't stat because I didn't write it for both (rookie mistake). I figure it doesn't matter. Dr. H puts me on it while waiting anyway (it was always done in Omaha, but now my lab won't ship it) and it won't be accurate anyway. I was on progesterone 36 weeks with both boys despite some good levels (when he would take me off, it would drop terribly and scare us both).

I called dh and told him he was allowed to call me big woman :) He got the hint and was happy to give me progesterone shots tonight.

Keep in mind, we are still in new territory here. We are not taking any clomid or post peak hcg shots. I am going clearly on the assumption that if I heal, ovulation is a sign. But I have no idea if I will have better post peak levels to sustain even to the point of testing. No idea.

Right now I feel:

• confident in my choice to not take clomid again; accepting of the fact that I could not physically take HCG post peak and committed to giving baby everything I can from this point on.
• happy a life is growing. This is baby 7! And if that isn't a great number, I don't know what is
• cautiously optimistic-we have no idea what the future brings-but if I can ovulate on my own, maybe just maybe I can carry to term?
• well aware we are in unchartered territory. I have no peak plus 7 level or any idea if the lack of post peak support has hurt the baby. I have never had an HCG level this early. I was on no antibiotics. I have never not been able to mail out progesterone levels. 
• regretting the 10 Christmas pounds
• hoping we can still foster/adopt even if this baby is here in 9 months because I am greedy like that about babies!
• taking things one day at a time and every other cliche you can think of

So it's a number. That proves a baby. But not a future. Even if it doubles, there is no guarantee the number will continue to double. So today I am trying to focus on rejoicing about something I truly didn't ever expect to happen again. And sharing with those that can keep a secret and PRAY!

Confirmation

Today I got a progesterone draw and another level. It is my last of my own choosing. The result of 770ish from 740 in three days confirms what I already knew in my heart. What is left is my "new OB" appt Tuesday where I might request an ultrasound to rule out ectopic. What I don't want to deal with is another doctor trying to shove a methotrexate shot on me. If I have to drive to Omaha to have an ectopic responded to in a safer and pro life manner I will. Period. Normally I would eat something nice and chocolately (such as a pound of peanut m&m's) but I think getting C Diff on top of this would add insult to injury. After all, I have been on Biaxin (8days), immediately Cipro (14 days), a week later a 10 day IV of clindamyacin, overlapped with Zithromax (14 days). Thanks to a strong probiotic and little sugar, I have not yet lost all good bacteria. It's only a matter of time before we dump more antibiotics in the system and I imagine a diet change I have been fighting for years is in my future. Our infection is back with a vengence. What used to work, no longer does. Changes ahead. 

For those who wanted to know more about infection, please read this post. I think it will answer a lot of your questions, but feel free also to google infection on the search box on my blog. My blog is meant to be a resource for those with exactly the questions you are asking, so start there. However always, feel free to email me anytime with your questions. I always make time to answer questions.

Also, E, are you there? I don't have a link to your private blog and would like to follow. NY may be in our future as well, and I didn't realize I was missing out on a lot of your info. Thanks!

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself.  Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew." - St. Francis de Sales Thank you, M, your love of the saints is so inspiring!

Parvo-no it's not just for dogs

Well, today my mom had her surgery. It went fairly well. She was not nauseated from the anesthesia and they were able to take care of most of her pain. Unfortunately not all, and that awful pain where the gas settles in was really painful for her. It still is. However her stomach was not sore at all and she is in good spirits. She did have some strange reaction where the carbon dioxide was absorbed into her tissue making her really swollen and literally crackly. But that was a short term thing. So crazy, I didn't know that could even happen.

I was late getting to my mom's surgery because I had my blood draw this morning. I am trying to keep them at the same time, so about 11 am. I figure any less than forty eight hrs and I would wonder if that is why it didn't double, etc. Well, I am happy to report it did double!  So far the trail is 47 to 100 to 215. Each forty eight hrs apart so I can't complain.  I was feeling pretty good. That is, until I opened this email from the hospital.

Your child has been exposed to Fifth's Disease in the past 2 weeks. Incubation is 4 - 12 days and once the rash comes out, they are no longer contagious. The risk is to pregnant women so if your child contracts it, keep them away from anyone you know who might be pregnant.  

Okay, well that is pretty much impossible. Especially because my husband is a CPA.

Upon further communication I learned this didn't just mean his school was exposed and this was a precaution email. It was Charlie's class that was exposed. The class I volunteer with every Tuesday (though not today). And another child showed symptoms today. So I did a little research and from this site I found out Fifth disease is actually just a viral illness that most kids recover from quickly and without complications. Fifth disease (also called erythema infectiosum) is caused by parvovirus B19. A human virus, parvovirus B19 is not the same parvovirus that veterinarians may be concerned about in pets, especially dogs, and it cannot be passed from humans to animals or vice versa....Parvovirus B19 infection during pregnancy may cause problems for the fetus. Some fetuses may develop severe anemia if the mother is infected while pregnant — especially if the infection occurs during the first half of the pregnancy. In some cases, this anemia is so severe that the fetus doesn't survive. Fortunately, about half of all pregnant women are immune due to a previous infection with parvovirus. Serious problems occur in less than 5% of women who become infected during pregnancy.

Okay, so odds are the baby will be okay. But I don't like the sounds of this. I am not overly worried because of the 50% chance I was exposed previously in my life and therefore immune. I am also not as worried because what good will it do? I can't do anything about this. I won't even know if Charlie has it until he is no longer contagious. So, we stayed home from the pizza party tonight, I am rethinking childcare for Thursday, and the birthday party on Saturday. I am getting a blood draw tomorrow to see if I had previous exposure, not that we can do anything either way, but maybe it will show I already had it. That would be nice. And I said a prayer and offered the worry over to God. What else can I do? I am going back to my happy place over my 215 beta :)

p.s. Dr. Hilgers put me on Zithromax. I thought this was for every eight weeks (eight on eight off) throughout pregnancy, but it looks like it's actually for now, during my IV. This a first. The change in protocol is interesting. Btw, I haven't told Dr. Toth about this pregnancy. I am still a little hurt over his reaction last time so I guess, for once in my life, I am holding a little grudge. I value this life.  I value his expertise and I will contact him if I feel it's warranted to get his opinion on something, but I don't feel the need to share this pregnancy announcement with him.