3.04.2010

Floored (Pregnancy Mentioned)

Right now God is asking me to trust.  To trust and to let go.  Yesterday I got a BFP.  I am as shocked as you all probably are.  I know I said it was a bust cycle, likely.  I truly believed that.  I really struggled with yeast (still do) and stress.  And the same reasons that I didn't think I was pregnant, make me think it is likely not a healthy pregnancy.  Perhaps that is just more protecting myself, but I don't think so.  Each day I didn't get my cycle, I thought it was strange.  But then my post peak phase is not at all stable like it was before I had Charlie.  It is very erratic still.  (before, just getting to the test date was always a good sign).  I didn't really have symptoms (cramps that probably started too early in hindsight; tailbone pain one day that made me raise an eyebrow, but that is it). 

When I found out I was pregnant, I should have been joyful.  I do feel I am on the best possible protocol for success, and it worked with Charlie, so I don't think it is they typical fear that comes from having two miscarriages.  But, I am embarrassed to say it took me several hours to get to joy.  The reason is the yeast concerns.  Add to that hcg number was on the low side (lower than even my miscarriage that never doubled).  I had a post it with me going in for the draw.  The hcg numbers of all our babies on roughly the same day.  Michael (healthy to start until infection took over) and Charlie were over 500.  Gabby's hcg never doubled in the 48-72 hrs-and this baby's hcg is lower than hers (both in the 200s).  So when I saw that comparison, my heart sort of sank.  It wasn't supposed to be like that.  But I was scared.  Shaky.  I went in a haze from the lab to my ob/gyn's office on the 2nd floor (I called dh on the way and let him know).  They were so kind and let me talk to a nurse, rather than call, since I was already there.  She listened to my fears about the yeast and the number.  She gave me an open hcg req so I could go in as often as I wanted (every 48 hrs if desired) and let me choose when I wanted a sono (end of 6 weeks when we should have a heart beat).  Then they offered to do another quick peak for a sac on the 12th when I will see the doc anyway.  They clarified what their role v. Hilgers' would be.

I drove home and on the way called my priest, but he wasn't in.  I called Dr. Hilgers' office and left a message and called the IV company.  I emailed my friend who is also dealing with yeast and is very knowledgable.  I told my best friend.  I told another good friend who was very sneaky and had counted and realized I would be testing soon.  She had been praying for me all day-thank you, Jill!

I got home and heard from Dr. Hilgers' office, who wanted me to start progesterone that night.  Dh came home and gave me two 2cc shots (max dose since my prog is only 50mg/mL) and we said our novena to St. Raphael and prayed for trust to the Holy Spirit.  I felt better.  I started to smile.  I told dh he was "big poppa" since he called me his "big woman" for the entire last pregnancy.  I came the realization that, regardless of outcome, we were co-creators of a unique soul, and that in and of itself is just amazing.  Each day is a blessing we are still pregnant, so that is how we are going to move forward.  So here we are.  Asking, no begging, for your prayers.  Today I went to mass (updated-I forgot to mention at mass I literally parked next to a car whose license plate said "biaxin".  Seriously?!  That is the antibiotic that helped us conceive Charlie in a healthy environment, and hopefully this baby too.   I asked the women the origin and she said her husband is a drug rep-lol!  And...it turns out she had come to the wrong mass-her child was supposed to do petitions, but that is tomorrow; the mass today didn't include the school children.  Isn't that funny?!) and the priest did a beautiful blessing for us (part of ttc/BFP ritual).  We are truly doing everything physically and spiritually, and that is really all we can do!

Update-I just opened our diocesan newspaper and saw that there is the annual healing mass scheduled this Saturday.  This same mass, same place, was the one I attended when I was newly pregnant with Charlie.  We both received the sacrament, and I was given Lourdes water to drink.  I am so grateful I didn't miss it, and am so looking forward to doing this again!

23 comments:

Thankful said...

Praying for you! This: "I came the realization that, regardless of outcome, we were co-creators of a unique soul, and that in and of itself is just amazing." is beautiful.

mrsblondies said...

Congratulation and I'm praying for you and your new baby. You are doing everything possible to protect this pregnancy, and you have great doctors helping.

Alisha said...

certainly a reason to celebrate. love you!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Congratulations! Grow baby grow!!!! Be at peace (yes easier said than done) and know that you are covered in prayer! (And yes, this is CD1 for me...but the Lord knows the way I work and I take my reading this blog post as a sign that He can and WILL work miracles, I only just need to trust.) Blessings to you and the little one! Keep us posted!

Life In Mazes said...

Praying, keep the joy and peace! I will pray that the fear stays away!!!

Nicole said...

Praying for you guys!!!! This is good news!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Congratulations! Enjoy, enjoy!
Ha – I was suspecting as I had counted the days, too.

WheelbarrowRider said...

You sneaky IF girls, can't put anything past you, lol! So incredibly grateful for the outpouring of support and prayers. You guys are truly amazing!

This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I am floored that YOU are floored! Honestly, I am not in the least bit surprised, you tend to have a good track record with getting pg. I will pray that just as with Charlie, this protocol will yield the best outcome. Just rest-assured that you have another child with you NOW and no worrying will change anything God has planned for you or the baby. (I look to Sew as my inspiration in that regard... every single second of her pregnancy was never taken for granted, and I can see that you are already doing the same- God Bless you and baby!!)

Oh, and... CONGRATULATIONS!

Fertile Thoughts said...

Wonderful, wonderful, news!!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you! My HCG was in the 200's as well. I think it just has to do with when implantion occured and the time of testing...or something like that. Anyways, wonderful news, yeh!
Praying for you and baby,
xo,
Amber

Leila said...

I had been meaning to email you when you never did announce a CD1! I am thrilled for you and will be praying, praying!!

WheelbarrowRider said...

FT, I think I am resting in Him, but so far nothing compares to joy like the joy that comes from this knowledge -which tells me I have a long way to go! THANK YOU FOR THIS INFO! Yes, the ob nurse said it was later implantation, but I am such a "realist/pessimist" it was hard for me to accept. But I was wrong with Charlie, whne there was a scare...
Leila, you are added to my ultra perceptive list!
TCIE-I just can't explain the overshadowing feeling I had. Everything was so "perfect" with Charlie and it wasn't with Gabby and this just seemed more like the Gabby cycle...but minus the TEBB (thank God!)

Second Chances said...

Congratulations!!! This is wonderful news! And yes, you are a mom again RIGHT NOW and that is what to focus on. Pray to your baby's guardian angel to protect it when you feel things "aren't right". One day at a time :) So happy for you!

Jill said...

Jamie, that is too crazy about the liscense plate. That is definitely God telling you something!! I have been praying and thinking of you and the baby all day. You should be happy- you are pregnant! Major prayers for a doubling beta. This waiting is just so hard, but you are doing all you can and doing the right thing by putting it in God's hands - you are so good at that! Sorry to call you out- but you know I have ovulation and dpo and all that stuff hardwired in my head :) Luv ya!

Erin said...

Congratulations! This is wonderful news!!

I had a hard time early on...I think that hormones made me so irritable that I just wanted to choke my husband rather than hug him. Just remember that every pregnancy is so different, and you can't really compare them.

Praise be to God!

Grace in my Heart said...

Oh my goodness, I am just so thrilled for you! I know you are being cautious, but such joyous news! Praying for you and what a blessing you can go to the healing Mass! :)

Chasing said...

Congrats on your happy news. Grow baby grow.

WheelbarrowRider said...

I plan on getting the beta over lunch again, since earlier will be cause for it to not double, but the sooner the better so the IV people can do it before 5 (thinking positive thoughts here) and not have to send the on call lady this weekend. I will try to get there around noon and I can wait and get the result in about an hour. I appreciate the prayers, esp around noon!

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Wow... congrats!!! :)

Karen said...

Congrats! I will be praying for you and your little one. I've got my timer set for noon today. :)

Mrs. Mike said...

Oh my goodness!!! Congratulations!!! Prayers for both you and your precious babe in utero!

Fertile Thoughts said...

Did you get the results yet? I am not trying to be a peat, but just hoping and praying everything is going smoothly for you...can't wait to hear your wonderful results!

xo,
Amber

Fertile Thoughts said...

oops, I meant to say, "I am not trying to be a pest"