Floored (Pregnancy Mentioned)

Right now God is asking me to trust.  To trust and to let go.  Yesterday I got a BFP.  I am as shocked as you all probably are.  I know I said it was a bust cycle, likely.  I truly believed that.  I really struggled with yeast (still do) and stress.  And the same reasons that I didn't think I was pregnant, make me think it is likely not a healthy pregnancy.  Perhaps that is just more protecting myself, but I don't think so.  Each day I didn't get my cycle, I thought it was strange.  But then my post peak phase is not at all stable like it was before I had Charlie.  It is very erratic still.  (before, just getting to the test date was always a good sign).  I didn't really have symptoms (cramps that probably started too early in hindsight; tailbone pain one day that made me raise an eyebrow, but that is it). 

When I found out I was pregnant, I should have been joyful.  I do feel I am on the best possible protocol for success, and it worked with Charlie, so I don't think it is they typical fear that comes from having two miscarriages.  But, I am embarrassed to say it took me several hours to get to joy.  The reason is the yeast concerns.  Add to that hcg number was on the low side (lower than even my miscarriage that never doubled).  I had a post it with me going in for the draw.  The hcg numbers of all our babies on roughly the same day.  Michael (healthy to start until infection took over) and Charlie were over 500.  Gabby's hcg never doubled in the 48-72 hrs-and this baby's hcg is lower than hers (both in the 200s).  So when I saw that comparison, my heart sort of sank.  It wasn't supposed to be like that.  But I was scared.  Shaky.  I went in a haze from the lab to my ob/gyn's office on the 2nd floor (I called dh on the way and let him know).  They were so kind and let me talk to a nurse, rather than call, since I was already there.  She listened to my fears about the yeast and the number.  She gave me an open hcg req so I could go in as often as I wanted (every 48 hrs if desired) and let me choose when I wanted a sono (end of 6 weeks when we should have a heart beat).  Then they offered to do another quick peak for a sac on the 12th when I will see the doc anyway.  They clarified what their role v. Hilgers' would be.

I drove home and on the way called my priest, but he wasn't in.  I called Dr. Hilgers' office and left a message and called the IV company.  I emailed my friend who is also dealing with yeast and is very knowledgable.  I told my best friend.  I told another good friend who was very sneaky and had counted and realized I would be testing soon.  She had been praying for me all day-thank you, Jill!

I got home and heard from Dr. Hilgers' office, who wanted me to start progesterone that night.  Dh came home and gave me two 2cc shots (max dose since my prog is only 50mg/mL) and we said our novena to St. Raphael and prayed for trust to the Holy Spirit.  I felt better.  I started to smile.  I told dh he was "big poppa" since he called me his "big woman" for the entire last pregnancy.  I came the realization that, regardless of outcome, we were co-creators of a unique soul, and that in and of itself is just amazing.  Each day is a blessing we are still pregnant, so that is how we are going to move forward.  So here we are.  Asking, no begging, for your prayers.  Today I went to mass (updated-I forgot to mention at mass I literally parked next to a car whose license plate said "biaxin".  Seriously?!  That is the antibiotic that helped us conceive Charlie in a healthy environment, and hopefully this baby too.   I asked the women the origin and she said her husband is a drug rep-lol!  And...it turns out she had come to the wrong mass-her child was supposed to do petitions, but that is tomorrow; the mass today didn't include the school children.  Isn't that funny?!) and the priest did a beautiful blessing for us (part of ttc/BFP ritual).  We are truly doing everything physically and spiritually, and that is really all we can do!

Update-I just opened our diocesan newspaper and saw that there is the annual healing mass scheduled this Saturday.  This same mass, same place, was the one I attended when I was newly pregnant with Charlie.  We both received the sacrament, and I was given Lourdes water to drink.  I am so grateful I didn't miss it, and am so looking forward to doing this again!