12.18.2010

Finally This Far

The other day I noticed my weekly emails related to little AJ's development from a well known website were off a week.  I realized they were going off my due date, not my delivery date, so I went in to update my information really quick.  But I what I saw brought me to a halt.  And then to tears.  It was my screen name.  I had set it up when I was pregnant with Charlie.  It was "finallythisfar." 

I was finally, at the time, far enough to sign up for those updates.  I was finally far enough to have less fears about miscarriage.  I was finally going to be able to hold one of my babies in my arms after two miscarriages.  Finally. 
And then, right on the heels of that, was another stop in my tracks moment.  I saw the Willo.w statue my mom gave me when I had the preterm labor scare with AJ.  It was the one with arms full of flowers, an overflowing bouqet (it was called "surrounded by love"). I realized my nightstand was no longer a good place for it, between my alarm clock, lamp, and now two monitors, I kept knocking it off in the night.  So I brought it down to my kitchen shelves where so many other Will.ows are and immediately saw an open spot.  But as I got closer, again, my breath was taken away.  The Wil.low on the other side of the open spot was one dh and I had bought after our second miscarriage.  It was titled Remember and the girl in it looked sad.  She had one flower and it was in her hand which down to her side.  The little paper that came with it read "Always I will Remember."  It stood in stark contrast to the other Will.ow with arms overflowing with flowers, her face buried in them.  It was definitely the perfect spot for it-on one side, the second loss.  On the other, the second life. 
Even though these ideas are never far from my mind, this was just a clear sign to me how much things have changed so quickly, how fortunate we are, how many people are still waiting, and how they don't know what the future will bring.  All I have to say to you is, things can turn around and turn around fast.  We don't know the time or the place.  But we can trust that He has good things in store.  Thinking of you all and praying especially hard as I know the holidays can be particularly tough.

11 comments:

Second Chances said...

This post gave me the chills! So beautiful that your arms are now full with that flowering bouquet!

simone said...

I have only been following you for the past few months. I did not "know" you before. This is a tough time of year for women without children. It does give me hope for my situation after being reminded that your life went from dark to light. What vivid imagery. Thank you!

Karen said...

This is all so true. It's amazing to me how we can go from such a dark place in our lives. A point where we want to give up, throw in the towel and just say that's it I'm done. And then before you know it you are dragged out of that dark place into the light and everything changes. I think about this everyday. It was only a little less than 7 months ago that I was in that horribly dark place. I think the important thing is not to forget that dark place. I know I can't. And truthfully, I don't want to.

All of the ladies still waiting have been in my heart and in my prayers so much lately. I know how hard this time of year is. I pray they will be comforted, and that their wait won't be much longer.

Leila @ Little Catholic Bubble said...

Such a poignant reflection!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

This was beautiful Jamie! The harsh reality of life and death was in full force this week with beautiful babies being born and then on the other side, the horrible tragedy of miscarriage in some others. Ahh...sometimes it is hard to take it all in, but I am grateful for this and for the realization that God is in control.

ALIVEINHOPE said...

Beautiful reflection! Is it strange to say I miss you??? I mean... We've only known each other a short time (and never met IRL), but somehow it feels like forever. Let me know when it might be a good time to call and catch up. : )

A Martha trying to be Mary said...

thank you, thank you!

You do not know how much I needed to read this today. It has brought tears to my eyes. the image of the girl with the sad face and the flower. Exactly how I am feeling tonight. But then the other image in such stark contrast. =)

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

Wow, this gave me chills. Beautiful post.

Thankful said...

This is such a sweet post.

Abigail said...

Beautiful post!

Lauren @ Magnify the Lord with Me said...

I read this on my husband's iphone days ago but couldn't comment. I've been thinking about it for days- the hope and beauty that comes from ashes. I love this post so much. I'm so glad for your willow tree angels with arms overflowing!!!