1.27.2011

What Works for Us (A Post on Sleep)

Today was one of those days when I said to myself, I am so glad we chose to do it this way around here.  I am talking about the millions of choices that face new parents.  I don't judge people for their choices around parenting.  I think most of it is a "what works for you" rather than a right/wrong thing.  But I thought I would share a few of those things here related to sleep.

I have learned with my children that sleep is number one priority.  Well, that and nutrition.  So, at our house, I read what I can on the topic and then I do my best to read my children.  And it has paid off.  At our house, the two year old goes to bed at 7pm and has for as long as I can remember.  He still sleeps all the way until 7am, sometimes later.  He naps at the same time every day, noon.  For some that may seem early, but I really think it depends on the child.  Charlie sleeps 2 hours, sometimes 3.  More than once he has slept 3 hrs and 40 min!  Anthony goes to bed about 8pm, which is so surprising to me this young, but he is the one that initiated it.  Last night he didn't wake to eat until 6am. Yes, that is a record, but he always goes until at least 1:30am, usually 3 or 4am.  I think that if you keep a consistent routine for sleep times that is developed on what your child demonstrated they need, then you are going to get longer and longer sleep out of them until they consistently do great naps, etc.  We have been working on this with Anthony since he was about four weeks, maybe five, and it is really paying off now.

That's not to say we don't have exceptions here, but we try to make them few and far between.  And for the record, Charlie is incredibly pleasant if he stays up until 9pm.  Its later that we see the effects.  I find it ironic that tired children don't act tired, quite the opposite in fact!  There are some things we do regularly, like small faith group every other week with other couples with children.  We rotate houses and it lasts from 7pm-9pm.  It would be easy to let Charlie stay up and play with the 1 yr old and two 4 year olds that stay up.  However, I would rather our "exceptions" be for something that isn't regularly occuring like this.  So, for over a year we brought a pack and play and put him down in a dark room.  The great thing about this is my son, for as long as he can remember, has known that we sometimes go to bed other places but the routine is always the same.  He has no trouble doing this, which has been a huge blessing.  Even in his big boy bed at home, he would sleep in a pack in play for these exceptions despite being able to climb out (I realize not everyone's child has that type of personality).  However, for Christmas I bought him a little travel bed that rolls up and includes a pillow and blanket attached.  I call it his special train bed and he thinks it is the coolest.  :)

I mentioned bedtime routine being the same, regardless of where we go.  I am a huge believer in routine, but also keeping them short makes them managable for us.  We never were ones to rock our kids to sleep or read tons and tons of books.  The routine for Charlie is pjs and nighttime diaper, brush teeth, paci and blanket, and two books.  It doesn't take long to complete. After the books I leave the room.  If he frets, I still walk out.  He never has cried after the door shuts, he just was testing a few times to see if I would come back in.

The routine with Anthony isn't based on time, but his signs at the ripe age of 9 weeks :)  One yawn or one fuss and he goes up to bed.  We are on an eat play sleep schedule with him, so the cries at that time don't mean hungry (there are exceptions of course).  For AJ's routine, we go to his room, swaddle, paci, rock for two minute or until sleep (whichever comes first) and he goes in the crib.  If we are out, I do the same thing but rock in my arms unswaddled and then set him in his carseat.  I, personally, prefer not sleeping with the little ones and then having to make that transition later, but again, to each his own.  It works for us, as I said.  I have also done things that didn't work for our family.  Charlie slept 3 hrs as an infant in the swing or sling so that is what I did most days.  Eventually he grew out of it.  He didn't transition well to the bed because he was older at that time.  He napped there, but only thirty minutes.  Four thirty minute naps a day.  I shudder.  It sucked.  He did that from four to seven or eight months when a sitter finally helped me get them consolidated into two, but they were still only 1 hr 20 each.  

We are constantly reinforced in the idea that one fuss means tired.  If I don't put him down, he continues to fuss.  By time I put him down the settling time is filled with random sobbing and takes longer.  Yesterday, he slept over 2 hrs for the sitter.  She assumed when he fussed he wasn't then tired again. So he preceeded to cry off an on all day and she just carried him around and didn't know what to do with him.  Today he napped two hours.  When he fussed after 30 min I figured he couldn't possibly be tired again.  But based on yesterday, I took him upstairs.  Lo and behold, he went to sleep for another 50 minutes.  Kids needs crazy amounts of sleep.  Infants are rarely awake longer than 2 hrs.  My kids tend to be more sleepy end of the spectrum.  The best parts about these schedules is your children are happy when they are up and when they are not it is easy to tell that something is wrong (sick, teething, etc).

I love that my kids like their beds.  Charlie will tell me, "Mom, I am sleepy.  Let's go upstairs." And he will head upstairs on his own.  Other times I just say, let's read stories and up he goes.  The books in his room are novel ones that stay up there but rotate.  Other than the bed and dresser, there isn't anything up there to play with.  I do want the room to be fun, though, and a place he wants to be.  His name is on the wall and there are tons of fun decals of cars, etc. But there is nothing out of interest.  Even the books go in a bin in the closet after we read.  Of course, it helps that my child can't open a door yet (we have spinning doorknobs on).  I always come to him quickly when he calls my name to tell me he is up.  I also love that both children will go to their bed wide awake and play happily in their beds upon wakening.  In fact, if either wakes crying, it is usually a sign that the nap needs to continue and so if they don't stop on their own, I go in and give them back their pacifier and leave without a word.  In fact, Charlie did that today for nap, highly unusual.  He woke after 45 minutes and cried.  After I went in, he went back to sleep.  That was over an hour ago and he is still sleeping (he played in his bed talking to himself before going down today).

Speaking of playing in his bed, one day he did that an hour and a half.  I felt terrible that he was stuck in his room, despite how happy he was playing.  So, after that amount of time I went in and let him out.  He was such a wreck by 5pm...oh my!  He did it again that same week.  And I let him play.  Right at an hour and a half he went to sleep and slept three hours.  In fact, I woke him because it was 4:30pm.  Guess what?  He still went to bed basically on time, at 7:30pm.  I think the biggest problem is we underestimate how much sleep our kids need.

Pacifiers are another controversial thing.  I must say, I am glad we use them, but I am also glad we put limitations on them.  Pacifiers are tied to nap/bedtime routine only.  They don't leave the rooms unless I hand them to a kiddo that is clearly sleepy in the car while driving.  That may be unecessary because both kiddos can fall asleep in the car without them, but with Charlie it is a nice cue to go to sleep on a car ride and might make it happen a bit sooner.  I, personally, don't like children talking through their paci and for us that isn't an issue this way.  Now, in my mind, Charlie is too old for a pacifier, but we were told not to take away within four months of the new baby (before or after).  Before seemed too young, so we waited thinking he might need that consistency through the change.  But soon, we are going to nip that in the bud.  Stay tuned!

Okay, so obviously I am a routine-based structured type of person, but I think kids are naturally that way and thrive in that type of environment if the routine is based on knowledge of kids' and your specific kids.  I have two kids that like going to bed, have a short bedtime routine, sleep well, wake happy and play in their beds.  But they are also flexible enough to sleep other places.  I couldn't be happier-or better rested myself-so I had to share what works so well for us, in case it might work well for someone else too.

21 comments:

Thankful said...

So, Addie likes to eat everythree to four hours. How do we decide what is nap time vs bedtime? I would love to set a routine for her that invokes "okay, now you sleep for at least eight hours straight) lol. Do you have a favorite book or two that you feel you draw your wisdom from most often?

E said...

I like the Sleep Lady and Dr. Weissbluth's books. The No Cry Sleep Solution didn't work for us. I totally agree with you about sleep! I really missed little E's window tonight (at 5:15 PM!) and she is really fussing before going to sleep. Whoops! But most of the time I just lay her down and she sleeps. I think we are in the 3-2 nap transition. I just LOVE that she sleeps 11-12 hours a night and has since 3 months!

WheelbarrowRider said...

Thankful, I took my cue from AJ on when he would sleep his long stretch. In the beginning it was only four hours, but it was two for him during the day so that is how I knew when it was. I think some of it is he sleeps better when it is dark outside, so if she hasn't set a time, you could just put her in pjs when she is first ready to sleep after it is dark out. That's what I did with C. Sometimes I goof and do the pjs too early and he wakes after an hour, eats and goes back down or something like that, but I figure it is better to do it that way then to have him wake at 6am in his clothes from the night before. Not that that is a big deal either...As far as books, I tried to read them all of the main ones (not cover to cover) and don't remember very well what came from which. I do think primary one was no cry sleep solution, but I have read what to expect, healthy sleep habits, happy child and whatever else my sister had on her shelf. Plus babycenter.com updates and anything the pediatrician gives. We also have Parents as Teachers come out for Charlie. And my field of work is child behavior (though not infants) so I am sure those principals filter in. Sorry I am not more help on a book recommendation. I did summarize "No Cry" on a post. (Note, I am not anti crying it out, I haven't really had to go there though, due to other things in place).
E, We all have those days when we miss the window. Just b/c we know what to do, doesn't mean we always do it :) Such is life. I am so glad you have a good sleeper on your hands too!

WheelbarrowRider said...

p.s. I hate when they are in that in between phase on naps-to me that is so hard on everyone involved! I feel for you!

WheelbarrowRider said...

Thankful, I just remembered Charlie's bedtime was about 10:30pm at this age. Some recommend you do that, nurse them for the last time before you go to bed and that way you get the longest stretch of sleep. So her bedtime could be the last nursing closest to your bedtime.

KC said...

Thanks for sharing this. It gave me some good tips for our Ella. She is always so fussy at night. We do sleep-play-eat too. It just all goes to heck when 6 pm hits. I think I just need to put her to sleep when she fusses the first time, even if she just woke up. Very helpful! Thank you!

KC said...

Quick question...during the day do you wake your child to eat or do you let them sleep until they wake up themselves? I feel like Ella will sleep a long time if I let her and I don't want her to confuse day with night.

WheelbarrowRider said...

KC, did you mean eat play sleep? That is what we are on-he eats when he wakes, not before bed. I am glad you got some ideas. My thoughts on your question are that I would not wake her unless she went over 3 hrs. Of course, that varies by age, but I think she is less than six months right? If it starts messing up her nights, then I would change it, but not until. I would assume it would not. I would only wake to eat if very young-less than a month. With AJ, I notice if he sleeps longer, he just eats more when he does wake, so that alleviated my fear of missing a feeding. Especially because I have more milk since I waited longer to nurse.

KC said...

Yes, whoops, I feed her as soon as she wakes, then we play a little while and then I rock her a few minutes and lay her down to sleep. Total awake time is usually 1-1.5 hours. Sometimes she only sleeps an hour, but sometimes more. Total time between feedings is usually 3 hours during the day. But many times she is not hungry if I have to wake her at the 3 hour mark (if she's sleeping really well). So I wonder if I should just let her sleep. She's technically only 2 months old from her due date though she is actually 14 weeks from birth.

I just wondered if I was tiring her out more by waking her up. (she doesn't always sleep until I wake her, just every once in awhile.) Because she is soooo cranky at night and really hard to get to sleep. Sometimes she is awake from 6pm-12am. It's brutal.

Thanks for your help! If you could only pick one book, which would you recommend.

KC said...

BTW, did you mean over 3 hours of actual sleeping (if she goes that long) or 3 hours between feedings, including feeding time and play time.

WheelbarrowRider said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WheelbarrowRider said...

meant that I, personally, would only wake her after three hours of actual sleep. I would do this only if she is having trouble at night, as she is. And maybe not at all if it is a long mid day nap and not anywhere close to bedtime. I am so sorry she is up from 6pm to 12am-definitely brutal! I read at this age they should not be up much longer than 2 hrs total including waking. And that, if possible, they should be up that whole stretch prior to the time you want them to go to bed for the night. Sounds like she is an overachiever on that end-poor mama! I would do everything in my power to get her down after two hours of awake time. So maybe up 6-8, sleep an hour or two, two more hours of awake and down for the night. She is just missing that one in between nap that will make all the difference. Your best bet to get her down is when she isn't overtired, obviously. I am sure you have already tried to get her down during that time, so I know this is all easy for me to talk about in theory, but I would maybe try putting her down earlier than your previous attempts just in case it is really overtired. And it sounds worth it to be persistent. If you can't get her down your usual way, can she play in bed or will she cry

WheelbarrowRider said...

It is shocking when AJ will go right back down after 30 min of awake time following a two hour nap, but he does. I def would try that, like you said even if you feel she just woke up. AJ is a different boy if I don't listen to that very first yawn, fret and ten times harder to get down. Your ella might go down for the night at 8pm instead of just for a nap if you get earlier enough. Let's hope so! :)

Julie said...

I love this post! I read Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child when Bella was 8 weeks old and it changed my life! I went from having a baby sleep 1.5 hours at a time around the clock and was fussing tons, to having a baby who loved her crib and would fall asleep on her own in her bed, swaddled with a pacifier and a white noise machine. She has slept through the night since 4.5 months and is almost 8 months now. She sleeps 11-13 hours each night and naps 2 times a day (10am and 3pm). She puts herself to sleep for nap and sleeps around 1-2 hours, depending on the day. She is the happiest baby I know!!

Second Chances said...

Great post! We're big on sleep too over here. I notice a huge difference in babies and moms who don't get enough. It's killer! Although I'm being humbled by Dominic. He's not the easy sleeper that Mikey was and I'm seeing now how other moms can have big struggles despite doing the same thing with both kids.

Our issue now is that Dominic was sleeping through the night (8pm-6am) but is back to waking up...twice. Usually around 1am and then again around 5am. Then back to bed until 8 or so. I've tried rerocking him, I've tried not picking him up and soothing him in his crib, but he's HUNGRY! He eats vigorously for about 20 mns each time and then I put him right back to bed. What the heck? Shouldn't he be able to go all night without eating? I'm not sure how to get him out of the habit. Advice? You're becoming the "sleep guru" you know!

WheelbarrowRider said...

Julie, that's wonderful! We love our sound machines :) SC, that is a good point. I know these don't work for everyone all the time, but I do believe this is the thing for about 80% of babies, especially if/after you get past issues like reflux that can get int he way of sleep. Dom could be just going through a growth spurt. AJ did that for awhile-sometimes he'd go 8pm to 4am to 8am and other times he'd wake at 1am and 5am. He seems to be pretty consistently doing 4-6am now (just one wakeful time) but I agree Dom is just hungry. No good answer from me on that one. Did I lose my title? ;)

WheelbarrowRider said...

I did read that if babies were to the point they shouldn't be waking and are, that you should just feed them on one side or no rocking and just make it as short and uneventful as possible. But if he is waking twice, I'd say that may not help b/c if you feed him good the first time, he may only wake one time whereas if you shorten it he could wake more?!

Second Chances said...

Hmmmm, I never thought of feeding him on both sides to see if he'd go longer. I always do just one side because that's how I've always nursed him with my oversupply problem. Have to think about that one. And no way do you lose your title!

KC said...

Ha ha! Your comment on my blog totally made me laugh out loud! Thanks for all your help the other day by the way. We've had a couple decent evenings now. I'm hoping in a few days we will have a better evening routine that works for us!

Thank you!

WheelbarrowRider said...

Okay, I've been thinking about he one book answer. I haven't read this one cover to cover, but I got it from a friend before AJ and really like what I have read. It's called "Sleeping through the night" by Jodi A. Mindell

Sissy said...

Thanks for all these tips! I wish we could get this amount of sleep as adults! I think I would benefit from it.