Today we had our ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days. It wasn't good. We expected a heartbeat. At first, the doctor couldn't find one after awhile of trying. It was painful. He did see a yolk sac inside the sac. Eventually they set us up with the ultrasound tech and a higher level machine. She measured the baby one week behind and, after a time, was able to find a heartbeat, but it was only 75. She said, no matter what they date, she never likes to see it less than 90. She said there was one baby that had a heartbeat of 80 and still made it. She said she isn't saying it will for sure not work out. We don't know. We go back in a week. We are being realistic because its how we cope. This isn't good news. We know that. While we know there isn't 100% certainty of a miscarriage, the odds of a healthy baby are not good. And so we wait. It's going to be a long week. I am in awe that she thinks we saw the heartbeat on the first day it started beating. Life is an amazing thing not to be taken for granted. That is for sure. And while we still should celebrate the living baby growing inside me, I won't lie. It difficult to be joyful. If we lose this baby, it won't be because the treatment failed. Its because I failed. I failed to chart well so we failed to avoid when my body was healing. I failed to have us take the antibiotics on CD 1-10 because we weren't supposed to be actively achieving. Anytime I take Clomid in the future, I will take antibiotics due to the possibility. And I failed to take baby aspirin for at least a week. So there you go. The system didn't fail. I did.
*I realize this sounds a little dramatic and I don't mean for it to. I appreciate all the support and kind words. What I was stating was meant to be a) support for NFP and the treatment I have received for IF through Napro and b) a statement of fact regarding things I could have done differently. I am not trying to live in the past or beat myself up. Its just an honest reflection on what I could have done differently. There are definitely things beyond this that are out of my control, no question about that. And I know there is God, even in this kind of tragedy, and His plan above all else. I do, however, appreciate all of your kind words of support, and especially your prayers.
I am on the journey we are all called to-to accept God's will and perfect love. Whether I am white knuckling it with my eyes shut tight or standing up with my arms outstretched enjoying the ride, I try always to let God be the driver and not bail out the side when there are bumps (like IF!). On good days, I trust He won't run me into a tree. :)
23 comments:
I am praying.
Praying!
You didn't fail...and I'm hopeful all will be okay with your little one. Praying!
If there is one thing I've learned through this, it's that no matter WHAT happens, you're not to blame OR to credit. You didn't get pregnant because you did something right, and if the baby continues to thrive, it isn't because you are being super diligent... And more importantly, a loss of life is not due to your neglect.
I will pray for the baby and for you. Hang in there...
I'm sorry to hear this. I pray that things will improve. It was a miracle that you got pregnant for this time so who knows what will happen next?
Praying!! And, TCIE is very wise. Hugs!!
Praying for you and this sweet baby. And the others are right, you did not fail! Not in the least.
Praying for you, DH, and this sweet baby!
Praying for you and baby!
Four words: its not your fault. Regardless of the outcome, you have no control. This Holy Surprise is in God's hands.
TCIE is right, this isn't your fault. I will be praying hard for you!!
I am praying for you and your sweet baby. It is not your fault. God is always in control even when we think we are.
I'm praying for you. Been in your shoes and it isn't fun. I don't think you had that much control as it may seem. sending hugs from KB and me.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I have been there, not fun at all. TCIE is so so so wise. Don't blame yourself, it is the Lord's Will for you at this time and He knows best.
You have not failed. You trusted God by having sex with your husband and letting Him determine the outcome! God only asks us to be open, not to chart perfectly, take all the right meds, and do everything humanly possible.
I am praying for a miracle. And that you have peace in the waiting.
Hi Jamie - It is Andrea Starosciak in Denver. I will be praying that God will grant you his unparalled peace and comfort during this time of suffering. He is with you!
I'm sorry to hear this. I'll be praying!
I think Tcie said it best,
Is it possible that if this is the first day beat ting, that it is just going to increase with time?
No matter the outcome, this baby is a blessing to you and your family and their purpose is being fulfilled as we all wait and pray with you!! Sending hugs to you!
Sending prayers your way!!!
Prayers coming J - Grow, baby, Grow!
Praying!
I am sorry to read this. However with God all things are possible. You and the baby are in my prayers.
I'm so sorry to hear about your worries regarding the baby, especially with everything else you've had to deal with lately. Praying for you and the baby.
I am so behind. I remember reading you were expecting and I am heartbroken to have to catch up in this way. I am so very sorry. I hope your physical recovery goes well and your emotional recovery too:)
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