8.21.2012

Serenity

Thanks for waiting patiently while I got to a computer to record the events of Monday.  It was a long wait, even from Thursday to Monday (since I moved up the last ultrasound), but thankfully dh was off Fri and Monday and he was a good distraction.  The weather cooled off here and we were able to take the kids to the zoo Fri.  Saturday we took a 24 hr local mini vacation and my mom watched the kids so we could celebrate our 6 year anniversary.  We enjoyed the time away.  Come Monday I was feeling good and think I overestimated my strength!  I went to the appointment alone so dh could stay with the kids and then headed straight from there to work (I occasionally work Monday evenings). 

At the appointment, the nervousness set in. The nurse was so nice to me and even popped back in and asked if I was okay, saying I looked worried.  I was :(  I couldn't help it, I told her everything about Dr. Toth and she was very supportive and sympathetic.  Another nice thing was that my local ob/gyn knew that if he scanned me, he wouldn't be able to answer any specific questions (heartrate, etc) so he asked the ultrasound tech to scan me with her higher level equipment and expertise.  She doesn't normally scan me (they send me out) because she doesn't take my insurance (odd, the doc does and it is very common insurance) but she did it today as a favor (again-she did it the first time-then Thursday I went to the other place they refer to). 

Basically the heartbeat was obviously weaker just from a visual.  It was like, beat. Pause. Beat.  So sad!  It took her awhile to get a read and it was 69.  She didn't record the size of the baby.  Again, no printed pictures of my sweet one.  It is just so different when they know you are losing it.  I never remember to ask for a pic either :(

They gave their apologies and did everything they could.  My doc said to come back next Monday, but to come in sooner at all if I was anxious and just wanted to know.  The ultrasound tech said she would scan me again whenever, free of charge.  It is so nice to be scanned there where they know what is up, rather than to go out and retell the story to another stranger.  It's the little things.

So that is that.  I called Dr. Hilger's office and let them know.  My progesterone from last Tuesday came back an 8, reminding me that sometimes prog is merely a symptom and not a cause.  We could throw all the prog in the world at this baby and we couldn't save it. :(  They said I could get another level sooner if I wanted, and we are repeating the CRP level.

Dh and I named our baby last night.  Little Gianna.  We always felt it was a girl, and it feels good to give her such a beautiful and meaningful name. 

I think we've accepted the loss will occur, though we know that God can and does perform miracles.  We know if this baby turned around it would be just that-a miracle.  The unsettling now comes from the when and the where.  It is different this time, dealing with a loss while caring for two children...a new experience for me.  But work and school and life go on.  And so this is a new form of suffering I wasn't counting on to offer up for those still waiting.

I will leave you with the serenity prayer.  A dear friend who knows all too well about having to let go of what we can not control sent me a beautiful card with the full version.  Cards like this are treasures to me, as I have very little to remember this baby by and this will go into a box of her things.  I am so blessed for friends like you all, truly.  The prayers and kind words get me through.  Thank you all so much!

The original, attributed to Niebuhr, is:
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

18 comments:

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh J - so sorry. Little Gianna - what a precious little baby and already so surrounded by love. May you feel God's warmth and tender love as you navigate these turbulent waters. More prayers coming your way.

Welcome! said...

Know we are praying for you in Fort Worth... I'll devote tomorrow mornings prayer to Little Gianna and send love your direction as I think of your sweet family throughout the day. ---- Hugs, Nicole

Thankful said...

Oh Hun. This is so sad. Hugs and prayers from Colorado.

Kaitlin @ More Like Mary said...

Prayers and hugs from me too. If they offered a scan whenever you want-can't you go back tomorrow just to get a picture? It sounds like they wouldn't mind at all.

JellyBelly said...

Praying for peace for you and your dh.

Hebrews 11:1 said...

I am so sorry. I will continue to pray for family.

Karen said...

I'm so sorry! Prayers for you, your family, and sweet Gianna.

I like what Kaitlin said. I would try to go back just to have a picture of her. I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

Chasing said...

I'm so sorry. Prayers continuing...

Percolating Petals said...

I am so sorry. :( I hope Gianna and my Rachel will have a playdate in heaven. The journey is so hard, but I pray that God will send you friends and family to help you carry on in the days ahead.

ALIVEINHOPE said...

I am here, J, and praying... but wish I was there with you! :(

I entrusted Gianna to Our Lady on Friday. I KNOW that She is with your precious little baby, come what may.

I'm having a lot of trouble with what Dr. T said to you. I know that it is not good to be angry and I am trying not to be, but I am struggling. How can I go see him next month? How??...

HUGE hugs to you, my friend, and all the LOVE this poor heart can muster!!

Anonymous said...

Definitely, go back and get a photo, asap. Enjoy the grace of having understanding healthcare providers (except for Dr. Toth). I'm sorry you are enduring this and the sadness surrounding your sister. Hugs.

Simone said...

I was thinking about you all weekend. I am so sorry for this. At least you have a local dr who has compassion and treats this baby with the respect that it should. I am also glad they are allowing you to come in at needed. Prayers for you and Gianna.

Andrea Starosciak said...

Hi Jamie - I pray that God will grant you his unparalled peace and comfort during this time of suffering.
Andrea Starosciak

prayerfuljourney said...

Praying for you and your dh during this hard time. The Lord is with you and he will keep you strong.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I am so sorry to read the update. I was praying all weekend for you and Gianna. I will be covering you in prayer and offering up what I can.
You picked a beautiful name. I think she is a girl too. :)

Patiently Waiting...... said...

So sorry to read this update. Baby Gianna is already loved by so many. Praying for you.

E said...

I am so so so sorry. this time in between is just so hard. The name is beautiful as is this perfect soul created just for Him.

Made For Another World said...

Praying for you...