At the appointment, the nervousness set in. The nurse was so nice to me and even popped back in and asked if I was okay, saying I looked worried. I was :( I couldn't help it, I told her everything about Dr. Toth and she was very supportive and sympathetic. Another nice thing was that my local ob/gyn knew that if he scanned me, he wouldn't be able to answer any specific questions (heartrate, etc) so he asked the ultrasound tech to scan me with her higher level equipment and expertise. She doesn't normally scan me (they send me out) because she doesn't take my insurance (odd, the doc does and it is very common insurance) but she did it today as a favor (again-she did it the first time-then Thursday I went to the other place they refer to).
Basically the heartbeat was obviously weaker just from a visual. It was like, beat. Pause. Beat. So sad! It took her awhile to get a read and it was 69. She didn't record the size of the baby. Again, no printed pictures of my sweet one. It is just so different when they know you are losing it. I never remember to ask for a pic either :(
They gave their apologies and did everything they could. My doc said to come back next Monday, but to come in sooner at all if I was anxious and just wanted to know. The ultrasound tech said she would scan me again whenever, free of charge. It is so nice to be scanned there where they know what is up, rather than to go out and retell the story to another stranger. It's the little things.
So that is that. I called Dr. Hilger's office and let them know. My progesterone from last Tuesday came back an 8, reminding me that sometimes prog is merely a symptom and not a cause. We could throw all the prog in the world at this baby and we couldn't save it. :( They said I could get another level sooner if I wanted, and we are repeating the CRP level.
Dh and I named our baby last night. Little Gianna. We always felt it was a girl, and it feels good to give her such a beautiful and meaningful name.
I think we've accepted the loss will occur, though we know that God can and does perform miracles. We know if this baby turned around it would be just that-a miracle. The unsettling now comes from the when and the where. It is different this time, dealing with a loss while caring for two children...a new experience for me. But work and school and life go on. And so this is a new form of suffering I wasn't counting on to offer up for those still waiting.
I will leave you with the serenity prayer. A dear friend who knows all too well about having to let go of what we can not control sent me a beautiful card with the full version. Cards like this are treasures to me, as I have very little to remember this baby by and this will go into a box of her things. I am so blessed for friends like you all, truly. The prayers and kind words get me through. Thank you all so much!
The original, attributed to Niebuhr, is:
- God, give us grace to accept with serenity
- the things that cannot be changed,
- Courage to change the things
- which should be changed,
- and the Wisdom to distinguish
- the one from the other.
- Living one day at a time,
- Enjoying one moment at a time,
- Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
- Taking, as Jesus did,
- This sinful world as it is,
- Not as I would have it,
- Trusting that You will make all things right,
- If I surrender to Your will,
- So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
- And supremely happy with You forever in the next.