9.12.2012

F/u to D&C appt and general update

I had my post D&C appt. It was quite uneventful. The results from the testing will be back in about two weeks.  He did say he confirmed that things were growing the way they were supposed to so likely we will have a result (rather than have it be inconclusive).

There has been some overwhelming sadness in a few areas.  Obviously our loss. Compounded by the fact that our loss affected so many others. My niece just told me that the birth of AJ around the time of her father's death was so healing, making it more apparent the circle of life.  She thought Gianna was this again for her.  It was so not the outcome we were hoping for.  So it's my loss and other's loss as stories like this keep coming out.  My mom wants to be there for me, but ever pulled multiple directions, it seems I am only a source of guilt for her oftentimes.  Katie's loss and grieving continues, and we are all so painfully aware of how long this will take. There are good moments and bad in every day and yes, the mother of Tom is still at it.  Most recently she came to my mom's house and told her if Katie doesn't stop posting about their love on fb she will get a lawyer.  Really?  My mom managed to not rip her face off.  What my mom is going through, her own grief and living with Katie, trying to get her through this, is overwhelming in and of itself to think about.  I don't know how she does it, but all I know is I don't want to ever add to the big load my mom is carrying.  These two issues actually instigating me seeking some therapy.  I don't know if I need it or not, but it just feels like so much going on-so much out and just needing an outlet.  I think it will be short term, but who knows.  It feels healthy to go.  I made the decision after recommending it to my mom. Then on the way to work, I realized that we were all going to deal with this a long time (conversations consumed by Katie, etc) and that we weren't out of the driveway on the road to recovery.  It weighed heavy on me and I decided to take my own advice.

Lots more going on here. Dh and I are like two ships passing and that is so hard. He is interviewing and that is so huge to his happiness and stress level, but its worse before it will get better. His basketball, my class, our faith group, extra work for both of us means more sitters for our kids and less us time. That has been a hard adjustment, and I hope we get the hang of it and it isn't like this much longer as we adjust and make changes to make things work more smoothly.

Things have not been all bad. I am back in school for my behavior certification.  If someone would have said, okay, think of how much free time you have to do what you want. Now school will come out of that.  Lol, I would not have signed up!  It is so hard to even fit in the readings, let alone all the things on top of that. But, I can't explain how I feel when I leave that class, but its worth it.  I have been in a career rut.  I am not valued, I am not working at the level I should on the types of projects I should, some things I am asked to do are unethical.  It is draining on one level and frustrating and on the other hand sometimes its good to do easy, flexible work and leave.  This class is one step forward to the career I want.  Putting it all into action.  This particular class is on ethics.  I am surrounded by like minded professionals. We are all striving to be as ethical as possible. We talk about important issues and its all so immediately applicable. I leave fulfilled and happy.  I feel like I am doing something to get where I want to go.  The other thing I am doing to that end is working with a mentor. The women I prayed would get the job at my work was offered and accepted the position. She is a powerhouse. She loves the same area of the field as I do, but she is also super productive and ethical, so much knowledge to share and did I mention she lives to mentor.  No more throw me to the wolves, trial by fire, but true scaffolding to support me to reach my goals and slowly help me be more and more independent.  In just a few months I have been able to boost my resume, which will eventually allow me to appeal for a change in title and corresponding raise, something that I am overdue for since I received my degree.  It feels good to be doing these things, and taking control for once. I don't have to be 100% professional in my career. I just want to move in the right direction, however slow, and be learning and growing and doing what I took the time to get all this education to do.  It makes me happy. So for now school, though stressful, is the bright light.  A baby would have been better, but this will have to do for now.

The ob recommended we wait two cycles, so approx 8 weeks before ttc.  I am fine with that.  Time for healing, so that is important-inside and out. And though I don't waller in guilt, you better believe if I am on clomid, I will be on my antibiotics and aspirin this time.  I will control what I can and leave the rest to God. I do trust His plan. I do trust His plan. I do trust His plan :)

5 comments:

Hebrews 11:1 said...

Continued prayers for you and your family. Counseling sounds like a good idea, you need an outlet for all this.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I'm glad to hear how you are doing! I think the counseling is a good idea. I went a few times and liked it. I continue my prayers for you! And am so happy for the class you are taking making a bright spot in your life!

stacym88 said...

My prayers are with you all. Please no that if you guys need to take a step back with faith group, you should not feel guilty and I'm certain the group will understand. I think you need to be honest with yourself and take care of yourself and your family first. Counseling can be so healing. I went several years ago and it was wonderful. I pray you have the same healing I experienced.

Simone said...

Your family is going through so much right now. I think counseling sounds like a great idea. When we started to have a lot of stress in our lives, my DH went to talk to someone and it just released some of the pressure building up.

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

my prayers are with you and your family.