A lot of thoughts have been swirling around my head the last 24 hrs. Forgive me as I try to capture some of them. I don't know how this is going to go...

The day before yesterday I knew one thing going into my OB appt. Despite all my hope and how easily it came to my surprise, there was one thing I looked toward with dread. At my OB appt I knew they would do bloodwork and then hand me my new baby bag. The one with samples and hospital registration and the like. The same bag that has been thrown away on three separate occasions. I told dh the night before, I am fine, but I don't want that bag. The same bag that symbolized such hope the first four times. No thank you. My lack of enthusiasm was downright disdain.  Additionally two days ago, I sorted through old posts and got all my hcg numbers side by side. It was the first time my hope was really shook since the initial 47. I made dh look at it and he said something hopeful, which I took and went to sleep.


























2209 (sat)







Before my appt I decided to get another hcg draw. It had been three days since the last (652), which was four days from the one before that (215). Since I live 20 min from the hospital and was there anyway, I figured why not. So I went early and got the draw. I went to my OB appt and had my favorite nurse. She was so kind when I came in after Dr. Toth had shook me. I was glad to see her. She respected my need for no bag. I left the appt feeling alright, despite the usual questions (how many pregnancies, how many live births-why on earth do they still ask this?!) and a few new ones since she didn't have the info in the computer (dates of each loss). I won't actually see the doctor for another week, but I did find out I was previously exposed to parvo/fifths disease, so that was good news. Immunity.

I left the appt and realized I had a vm from the lab. The bloodwork was back. I called back only to find out the number was about 740. I had her repeat it. I called her back to repeat it. So not good.  I was in shock. I called dh. I told my sister JB. I called Dr. Hilger's office in tears. I called in sick to work. And I indulged myself all day. I let myself be sad. But I didn't want to sit at home (or work!) so I took all my donations that had been in my car, did several errands, and had my car professionally washed inside and out. I felt a little better. Dr. Hilger's nurse Stephanie called back and she was amazing. She knew what I didn't want to hear. I had heard it all before. She just listened. I went to adoration.

The one thing I wanted to share and get off my chest with Stephanie. The regret. We should have waited. I don't blame Dr. H, but we should have waited. When we saw TEBB, we switched from biaxin to cipro. It made sense to finish the cipro and then see if the next cycle the brown blood had cleared up. It just made sense to have a clear sign to move forward. There was no rush. I didn't feel rushed. But I made up my mind to share the concern and follow his advice, regardless. I trust him. I still do. But I don't think he knew better. Still risk/benefit would tell you to wait. I am fault too. I didn't listen to my gut. I wanted to ttc, and though I was almost too confident it would happen quickly, I had promised dh we would take a break when the due date was during his busy time. As much as I hated to, he wouldn't be involved as much and it would be hard for him to be woken all night and then work 80 hrs. He would miss us terribly. I needed his help. So I agreed. But that left three cycles. And I knew, according to stats, we may very well need all three. And I dreamed of a Christmas conception. We had a Valentine's day baby and a baby conceived on dh's birthday. I loved the idea. And so I ignored my gut. And we used that TEBB cycle we were one biaxin and then cipro. And we conceived. And I will always think of this baby as my Nicholas. And I will always have a healthy amount of regret. No debilitating regret. But a desire that things had gone differently. That I had made a different choice.  One thing I know for sure, impatience has no place in ttc. And impatience is not from God. It is the Holy Spirit which provides peace.  The peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know the baby isn't gone. It's a weird place to be and yet to mourn a loss that hasn't yet occurred. There is a room for a miracle, always. There is likely a long road ahead. I have two days of IV left. Many progesterone shots including last night. Blood draws. Probably a sonogram. It will take time. But I do think most likely it is clear where this is headed if God doesn't provide a miracle.

A lot of thoughts went through my head yesterday while I had that time alone. My best friend whose boyfriend recently broke up with her. She is 34 and no immediate prospects for things to change. She is a great person. She is lonely. She has no control of this particular situation. My friend B came to mind. She is divorced, had married a verbally abusive man who showed no signs prior. She has a son. She has been shunned by previous friends. She left the church. She has her son. She wants to marry, have more children. She doesn't have control over these things or their timing. I have two friends who can't get pregnant. Who have waited to adopt. For two years or so. Too long. No control. And countless others who have IF or had IF and are ttc #1 or subsequent children who are doing their best every day to hand this over to God. And I am no different. I want to follow His will. And yet, I plan, I take control, I think I have it figured out. I talk. I don't listen to God. Yesterday I tried to be quiet and listen. You know what I heard? Him. God. I heard His voice through Catholic radio. They were talking about being in communion with God. God desires a more authentic relationship with me. I read several excellent blog posts, including this one which involved me going to a link. It made me be more grateful for my dh and I vowed to do what was listed. I sent it to him as accountability. I read  TCIE about perception, which was such a good reminder about things out of our control, which is the case in all stages of life, and how we can control our perception of our circumstances. It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes: "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; its about learning to dance in the rain." Isn't that the truth. I read others. All with such great wisdom for me. One more thing, about communion with God, as I sat outside adoration, reading blogs and listening to Catholic radio, I looked up and saw a Jesus fountain I hadn't noticed before. It faced the cars, not the chapel. It faced me. Jesus, with his beautiful sacred heart, was beckoning me in. Here I sat in the car, and yet there he was, not 20 feet away. Beckoning. Longing to be in true communion with me. Sometimes I lean too much on Christian music and publications and yet, I neglect time with the Word or time in prayer. Definitely not what God wants to replace Him.

So there it is. Some of the thoughts that have been floating in my head the last 24 hrs. Lots to sit and think on, but more importantly, lots to do. My email signature says "action is the proper fruit of knowledge."  And so that is my plan. I've always been a doer. It's the Martha in me.


stacym88 said...

There is so much in this post that I want to comment on. It carries so many emotions for me, and you, I know. In the end, nothing I can say will make a difference right now, I know. So, I just want you to know I love you, I'm praying for you and Jesus has you in his loving arms. Please let me know if you need something specific. I can watch your boys, go to the grocery store or make you dinner. No problem.

St. Rita's Roses said...

Ahhh, I do not have the right words to say. I just want you to know that I am praying for you. Dancing in the rain...hard one. But so needed!! Especially now. Please know- He is will you at all times!

Chasing said...

Praying for you and your Nicholas.

Thankful said...


Anonymous said...

I found your blog because I have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and have 2 babies in Heaven. I was so excited about your news. I have been checking everyday to see how it is going. I know exactly what you are going through, especially getting lab results. I think when I get pregnant next time, I am going to do progesterone but can't bare to get any blood drawn due to the anxiety it causes. Anyways, I love your thoughts, they are beautiful. I am praying for you and Nicholas. What a precious name :-)
God Bless from Colorado

JellyBelly said...

Praying for you.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh J - I am so sorry for this uncertainty, this joy mixed with sorrow. I am praying for you and your little Nicholas - that is such a beautiful name and if it is a girl - you could name her Nicole! Because yes, I am praying that God will bring a miracle out of this. St. Nicholas, pray for J and her family and this beautiful little one!

E said...

I don't know what to say, it is so hard to be inbetween. So hard. Praying for peace for you.

Amazing Life said...

Praying for you and your Nicholas!

Tridentine Wife said...

I am soo sorry you are dealing with this. Praying for you!

WheelbarrowRider said...

I am very encouraged by all the women praying and commenting. Very humbling. Thank you so much for sticking by me during the sporatic and stream of consciousness posting. I truly am blessed! For new readers, I always respond to email if you ever have any questions or need anything. If there is ever anything I can do for you, just ask. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your HCG is not rising as expected. I will continue to pray for your little N.

I stumbled upon your blog, and I am curious how you determined that infection was causing you to miscarry. I struggled to conceive, and then became pregnant via medicated IUI (preserving as much of the procreative/unitive aspects as possible) and carried to term. Just curious how one knows that an infection is potentially the cause of fertility issues.

Again,I will be sending my prayers for your little one. Do not blame yourself; you are doing the best you can.