8.04.2013

The Pity Post

Why in the world does life have to be so hard? And not hard like all this is happening to me hard. Worse. It's the why is this happening to people I love hard. And that, friends, is as hard as it gets for someone like myself who is a doer.

My brother in law passed away Wed. And, just so you know this isn't about me, I didn't have a relationship with him really. I liked his personality. But I got over that really quick when I found out he did crack. And them my sister had to move away so that he could get away from the friends. And then they moved back and this time it was meth. And it looked my sister was doing some too considering that she could have been a before and after meth poster. So I was angry at her and angry at him. And really angry at both of them exposing their kids to a host of shady characters.

It was maybe two months ago the dogs raided their place and found meth. Busted in on their home, woke their daughter who was there, gave their son one more reason to verbally threaten suicide. Gave my sister's oldest more reason to hate her stepdad and more reason for her to feel the weight of being a mom to those kids and feel she knew better than the adults in her life.

While my two other sisters and my mom and I went there to talk to my sister, try to get her to tell us the truth, try to see how we could help and be there for the kids, electronics were being moved out of her house in the dark of the night and being placed in the back of a painters van. Is this for real? Oh yes, it is. neither of them have worked in a year. She because she can't get places on time. and lately because he has been cheating on her with other women in their home and interacting with her kids while they are gone. I am all for sticking by your husband but my sister has issues to stay through all she has.

We were worried she would lose the kids, then not sure if that was best. They were being monitored, but the kids were never taken. Should we take them? My husband and I have room, structure. My husband says no way. He wants to protect our kids. My therapist said no way, you have enough stress. I feel like we do nothing, but maybe I was a little relieved and let it go. But the guilt. Of trying to have a bio child in the future when so many children need homes. Like my own niece and nephew who could use a stable environment.

That was until they got evicted a month ago. Which means they needed a literal home too. Again, I didn't offer. Not even money which would only lead to fights between dh and I if I pursued it. His mother was so taxed, they have bled her for every dime and overstayed their welcome in the other state to the point she let the house go into foreclosure just to get them out. When they moved into town, my parents took them all until such fighting ensued, such yelling between their family that no one wanted to be there. My brother in law did drugs in their house and it was a nightmare. No one is eager to invite them back in.

No charges were filed. I think they were waiting for more info to charge him on something bigger. We saw him last at my little sister's birthday party. He hasn't really been to many family events. He came on a motorcycle. Evidently it was cheaper than their 2nd car. This was my sister's birthday, the little one who lost her fiancee one year ago yesterday. My mom insisted we celebrate on the day because last year we didn't and then Tom died and it was 6 months before she would let us celebrate. So there we were. We got a pic of all the grandkids together. It was great.

And then Wednesday I charged my phone downstairs and a nightmare happened. I missed the calls. The ones to say he was going 100 mph and lost control. Flew off the bike. Into a tree. Killed instantly. They were trying to get us to help them tell my sister. She already knew. The guy riding with him left, and called a friend who called his wife. Yes, left the scene. Because he had warrants for his arrest. Because who needs enemies when you have friends like this.

Since there was the investigation, they kept his body over 24 hrs. Interrogated my sister for 3 1/2 hrs and again since. Guess what happens when someone is killed instantly. They don't go to the hospital. They go to the morgue. You can't view them there. It took over 36 hrs for her to get to him to say goodbye. It was post autopsy. the director said it was one of the worst ever and didn't want her to see him, at least not his face. But she insisted.

So many things make this harder for them than it would even have to be on its surface. Those I have already mentioned. The fact everything they own is in storage literally inaccessible. The fact that they have no home. The fact that they have no money. So when son wants to go to soccer, he has to have all new the equipment because its so inaccessible what he has. Everyone needs outfits for the visitation. For the funeral. the fact that he was cremated. The fact that my oldest niece, his stepdaughter, lost her dad two years ago. Yes, you heard that right. The fact my little sister lost Tom almost one year ago. The fact my nephew is was the same age my dh was when his dad died. The fact his wife lost a friend on a motorcycle 23 years ago on that same road. How about the fact that the women (yes plural) he cheated on my sister called his phone when it was back in my sister's possession. She chose to tell them the news. One went off on her, threatening her life. Its been so hard for everyone for these reasons and more I am sure I am not even thinking of. And today I think it is okay that I am throwing a pity party for all of my sad family which means I feel helpless to ease their pain once again.

8 comments:

E said...

that is so much sorrow. Just sorrow. i'm so sorry you have to bear all this hurt.

rely on Our Mother of Sorrows, she can be a great consolation.

Prayer for you and your family.

Hafsa said...

So so very sorry J. I hope your family can heal from this.

polkadot said...

I'm praying for your family.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh J, so much pain. Your family is in my prayers!

Hebrews 11:1 said...

So so very sorry. Praying for healing for you.

stacym88 said...

You know I'm just down the road if you need anything. My prayers are with you and your family, always!

prayerfuljourney said...

Praying for your family too. I pray that after your sister heals from the loss of her spouse...she learns that drugs are NOT good and she gets her act together for her children. I know you pray for your family and that is invaluable!

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I am so very sorry - it is hard with a death in a family and then to have so many deaths and such a backstory - it doesn't seem fair that you and your family have to go through so much. Prayers from me to you and your family and your niece & nephew.