11.21.2013

I am an idiot

For the first time in over 7 years of charting, I missed my peak day. When I was bleeding on CD 24, which is what happens with no post peak support, I was like what is happening? Evidently I am little dense. The good news? No time to dwell on last cycle, this cycle is already here and time to start clomid and do it all again. And I guess it's also good that I wasn't obsessing. Or rather, the obsessing started a little late due to Halloween, etc. We had in laws in town for AJ's third birthday (how in the world is my baby three?! And so very tall!) and time just keeps flying by. I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little bummed to not have taken advantage of the opportunity since we are supposed to get pregnant as soon as possible post treatment, but I am fine. I do feel it will come. And that's what I am most anxious about. But I don't dwell on it. It isn't here yet and when/if it comes, I will have lots of opportunity to take deep breaths and hand it over to God.

I am sort of stuck in a cycle of almost get rid of yeast, but not quite, just in time to restart abx. I am doing alright. The docs are making sure we have a steady supply of the necessary meds and as soon as we stop the abx, we start that. I am not dying like I was initially, just a minor annoyance and definitely something we can handle.

And anti inflammatory diet, yeah, I suck. I haven't done it. At the risk of sounding childish, it looks extremely hard and I got overwhelmed and avoided it. Mature right? I did, however, start eating more edamame for soy, more salmon (as much as we can afford-good grief!) and trying to cut back on my crazy sugar habit. The kids have crap in the house I don't like, and I don't really buy it, so I am doing alright for now, but Halloween was a gigantic fail! I don't care about cake or ice cream or hard candy or popsicles, but give me a snickers or peanut/almond/peanut butter m&m's and oh my goodness. Heaven.

Speaking of heaven, I finally told Charlie he wouldn't have a body in heaven. It has come up a few times and I thought he was too young. It was a funny reaction. He was like, I am not going to have a head?! Yeah, still pretty tough for a 5 yr old to wrap your brain around. Heck, hard for me! But it was cute because he said eating anything he wanted was going to be his favorite part of heaven! lol. He is totally my kid. Anyway, he found the silver lining. Does that mean no naps? You got it buddy. He was very happy. Me, naps sound like heaven to me, but what do I know? I trust whatever God has waiting for us, it will blow the top of almond m&m's :)

Since my theme today is there is no theme, I will add I went back and read the chapter from Jen Hat.maker's book 7 on stress. I love how she prays 7 times daily, so I bought the book Seven Sacred Pauses. I got it out again yesterday and started making notes. I would really like to do this. Pray for those with addiction, orphans alone, fresh starts, etc based on the position of the sun. I just really want to be more mindful during my day. Right now I am mostly just aware of how much time I am wasting.

If you don't mind saying a prayer for dh and I, I would appreciate it. We are only "together" when we are ttc right now and we also abstain for pregnancies so...it's been really hard. It seems when that drops off, in general we just start feeling or acting more separate-hard to know which comes first but its a perpetual cycle that takes really conscious effort to break.

On a totally unrelated note, but I know you will appreciate it, dh and I have tickets to go see Jim Gaffigan! Hopefully a date night will help bring back that feeling of closeness! I just liked him on fb and oh my, his statuses are so entertaining. For lots of fun buy Dad is Fat on audio. He reads it and it is 5 1/2 hrs of comedy. If you don't believe, just watch the you tube trailer for Mr. Universe or rent it for a buck on redbox. Good stuff!

11.06.2013

Quick Non-update and Halloween pics of the boys

So we had our first cycle ttc last month. We were told to avoid until that time, so we took that to mean only bd at ovulation time on cycles we are ttc so that is a new one for us. I figure its because Dr. Toth still wants to be sure we are as "clean" as possible if/when we do conceive. If anything is left in one of us, when we are together we will share it again, so we are just keeping that to a minimum for now. Honestly, we won't live like this forever, but we feel it is more okay to risk when we are talking about ourselves, but not okay when we are talking about losing a young life over it.

So that was a change this cycle. I also took the 2000 hcg dose (normal for most). Usually I do 1000 because my hands swelled on 2000 my first cycle on it. I figure, why not get twice as much out of a bottle since they are good for 60 days. I mean, my levels at P+7 are good. But Dr. Hilgers said on the phone, yeah, but you have had losses on those cycles too. Good point. 2000 it is.

I actually had the first experience ever of getting to CD 15 and testing and have it not be positive. I wasn't' totally convinced I was pregnant or anything, there were no signs and went into it pretty neutral.  It was an adventure with both boys, including Charlie throwing up due to car sickness on the way there! Then lots of waiting around just to get the draw. We didn't wait for the response. I got a call shortly saying my hcg was ten. I must say, I was really feeling sick hearing that. For me, the last positive was under 50 but a pregnancy, just one that wasn't healthy. I wondered if this meant a fast miscarriage and this was the end for us. I was in holding pattern. Dr. Hilgers was positive it was hcg from the double dose and that made sense. I felt better when my period began the next day. No pregnancy is a million times better than a loss in my book.

Guess what? I am such a ditz I didn't do a cycle review this cycle! Ooops! And i took clomid a day late (no big deal). This ttc is such a full time job with the meds on the different days. The worst, IMO, is the abx because you take on an empty stomach so I feel like I am going to vomit for an hr. I really should just remember to eat a cracker!

The other lovely is that I was just about over my yeast infection when I started my period. Ten more days of zith and rifampin and you betcha-dying again. So I called Dr. Toth for more diflu.can. Here's to hoping it works in time to try this month because I can't overlap it with abx so I can't take it until CD 11 or 12.

I know it is normal for me and for any woman who has her IF issues under control to get pregnant in three cycles. Charlie was conceived on #3, AJ on #1. We have done everything in between, but we are def grateful for three cycles being enough to conceive. However, this time I do worry that by cycle 3 we are going to have a less healthy baby then cycle one trying and greater chance of miscarriage. Who knows? This time it could be cycle 5 and so after cycle three and nothing we will definitely have to discern.

I know it sounds a little bratty for others in a different situation, but I still have some reservations about even trying. We are blessed. I do want more, but I am so open to adoption. I just know that dh needs to exhaust this route first and so here we are. I continue to have mixed emotions that result in an overall neutral feeling. One thing I am not neutral about is miscarriage. But that is always the risk that comes with me getting pregnant. I still have fear of the unknown. No IV if I get pregnant, just a lot more Zith. And Dr. Hilgers said just due to the number of miscarriages I would be on 5000 hcg in addition to all my progesterone. That doesn't sound like fun. Worth it of course. But one more thing that makes me a little resentful when it doesn't. I need to work on that attitude, I suppose.  

Well, that's the non-update. On the home front, we have gotten through one birthday and I can't believe I have a five year old. AJ turns three on Monday so we've been busy between planning parties and costumes and add in a little Christmas shopping when we see something good. Unfortunately, I have bronchitis which is slowing me down. that's what happens when a two year old coughs two inches from your face in your face about 100 times a day. That's okay though. Little monkey was such a trooper when he had it. I will leave you with Halloween pics-Bob the Builder and Michael the archangel. They were so cute!





AJ took one look in the mirror and said "I look cool!" and "look at me!" :)