2.05.2015

My Own Version of Hell-Updated Twice

Excuse the dramatics, it's been one hell of a 24 hrs.

A moment ago the local ob/gyn's nurse called with my progesterone level. (Recall I have no PPVI levels this entire pregnancy because no lab would ship. However, I found a lab that will ship recently and will do a draw tomorrow). Normally non-Hilgers labs are worthless because the range of normal is incredibly wide due to lab variability. Unfortunately my lab was so incredibly shitty, it even picked up on their radar as very low. I was a 9. I was on the max of progesterone in oil shots on top of HCG injections. Nine. I called PPVI almost hyperventilating I was so upset (so yes, my peace just flew out the window at my first number. I am so weak!). I wanted to know if they would say the number was worthless. They didn't. Stephanie got on and said how sorry she was. She may have said this isn't for sure. That nine was maybe more like a ten or eleven and that babies can survive. I don't know. My head was spinning. What she wasn't saying was the number was totally worthless. So I sobbed harder.  My doctor didn't, to my disappointment, move up my Mon scan. I think they thought they were being humane and letting it play out longer to avoid limbo land after a scan. But guess what? I live in limbo land. so the absolute worst case scenario is the scan is inconclusive, and I have to...you guessed it wait until Monday. Like I am already doing. I called the nurse back and left a message asking her to call in a scan to the place across the street that does them all day long-day and night. I have been there before, even though they prefer their office (their lady only works Mon and Wed). So there is that. But that, friends is just one of two major stressors today. Update-the nurse said I can get scanned today after talking to the doctor so I will go in and let you know when I hear anything. Update: I was scanned and the baby's heartbeat was 79. The growth was a six days behind. This is the beginning of the end.


(for anyone who might doubt I look like I am showing. This is what being a narrow size 4 with 6 pregnancies under your belt looks like with number 7. The body just knows what to do I guess!)

Last week for the first time ever, I left my 4 yr old in a car with a window cracked and locked in front of our church school, across the street from my church and preschool. Not a main road. Not an obscure road. A road in the middle of my people. For two minutes. I literally mean 120 seconds or less. I called ahead for my 6 yr old to be pulled for a doc appt. They usually have him in the office, but he wasn't quite there. But close. He clearly had coat and bag together and just had to be walked two doors down. As I walked out, a women held the door for me and it was clear she was coming in for me. She was a DCF worker (Dept of Children and Families). I got a verbal warning. That was Thursday. My brother in law works in foster care, so I asked him if I should be concerned (other than the fact that my husband may kill me. He is 100 times more safety concerned than I am, and to say I am lax would be laughable. My 4 and 6 yr old have never been outside alone (front or back). They have never not held a hand for two seconds or rode without carseats. We don't take risks. Except me, this day, this way. For the first time. And even then I had a twinge of "should I have done that?" that I ignored because I am constantly babying AJ because he is my youngest.  Please-keep in mind. I have my PhD in education. I am a part time worker and a full time mom. I am room mother, volunteer, party planner, up at the schools all the time, everyone knows me. To make matters more laughable, as I was getting Charlie the next day and a friend (who is very very conscientious) asks if AJ is in the car. No, I said, I never leave him in the car for school pickup. He was at preK. Oh, she said, I leave Conner all the time. He never wants to come in. So I say, funny story, and go on to mortify the hell out of her.

Which takes us to last night when my dh brings a pamphlet off the front porch which is titled "why you are being investigated." It has a social workers card on the back that says "call me." How he didn't look further, I don't know. But I hid it (he has a huge job interview Sat am he is flying out for-5 people for 4 hrs-and he doesn't need the stress) and texted my brother in law that said, " I am sorry. Just do whatever they ask and don't act like you don't need what they offer." Humble. Very humbling.
I tell a friend and she had been just that moment prior to our call meditating on Exodus14:14 which basically says God will fight for me and I am to stay still. Very appropriate. So I kept it all to myself, knowing I would call the social worker back Fri so that dh would be at work and he wouldn't be able to talk to her until he returned.

So that brings us to today. So I drop Charlie off, take AJ to a rosary and divine mercy chaplet in the adoration chapel and head to bible study. Then I assist in the atrium for CGS like I do every Thursday. Totally sounds like someone that beats her kids, right?  Well, she called while I was out and then she called my husband when she didn't reach me. I didn't know this until I called her back. She told me that it was submitted and that she visited Charlie at school Tues and AJ Wed. What the what? And neither the school or my kids said a word?! I answered her questions satisfactory and my kids answer matched, and she said she would talk to dh and then close the case stating the claims were unsubstantiated. Good! I text dh and said not to call her, I had it covered and hoped it would suffice.

Then I got the progesterone result and called PPVI. Then he called and I pulled it together, miraculously, but he still wanted to know why she called and at least at that point I could say it was going to be okay. He was not happy. And I didn't want to add to his stress! But I lost it and he was clear there was more than that, so he got the whole kitten caboodle right before he went into the rest of his long day during his busiest time. Where he is going to come home and prep and then do it all again tomorrow only to fly out.

So then I called the preK and explained because only God knows what they were thinking (they said that it was a mistake!) and now I get to do the same at the Elementary. I will not be embarrassed of this, but rather use it as a teaching moment for others. So that is how my day has gone so far. Someone is going to have to commit me because I am not that strong. I asked God to make me a saint. I don't know what the heck I was thinking with that one!

Friday update: Today was a full non-working day. I went to rosary/divine mercy chaplet at adoration, then mass. Then I went into Elementary school and explained the situation with DCF to the counselor who will share it with others at my request. I went ahead and got the blood draw for progesterone and the new lab mailed it to PPVI. I got the shots from the doctor since dh was at work at that point (and leaving on a plane for a big interview after work. Please please please pray he gets this job!). I went to lunch with my mom, rested 30 min and took a shower. I got ready and even put lipstick on. I felt better. I got my kids and held them close! We snuggled with take out and watched a movie. I devoured a pounder of almond M&M's. It's 8:30pm Fri and I am in my pjs about to watch Grey's Anatomy (don't judge, I never stopped watching...). And you know what? I am okay? I only cried a few times today talking to people. They were eyes well up with tears not gut wrenching hyperventilating sobs like yesterday. My mom told me at lunch that my sister is upset for me. Defensive of me and mad at God for allowing this when she prayed so hard. And I defended God to my mom. I am not mad at Him. I trust Him. I asked for His will this whole time. And I stand by that. I am okay because he allows me to be okay through His grace. Thank you for your prayers, everyone!

16 comments:

Kathryn said...

I am so sorry for all the stress! I wanted to comment and say don't worry that the people at the school are judging you. My husband is a principal at a Catholic School and it is not at all uncommon for CPS to come in and talk to kids (and the school has to follow protocol and not inform the parents, that is CPS's job). It is humbling, but don't worry, no one at the school is judging you...these sort of misunderstandings happen a lot, and they know CPS has to check up on everything, whether it is valid or not!
Know of my prayers for you and your little one.

Julie said...

I had a neighbor call CPS last summer and was mortified when they arrived with her claim that I had too many kids in my home for a day care. I have a friend over with her kids, which is why there was so many kids and if she was not there for supprkt, I would have lost my mind!! It is scary.

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

Oh J - what a horrible last few days…I know you didn't need the added stress of the CPS issue on top of anything else. i am so sorry and will be praying for peace for your weary heart. Grow, baby, GROW!!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

I just scrolled back and read the update. I am sorry for the low heartbeat…praying for a miracle!!!

Anonymous said...

First, I'm so sorry to hear Baby is not doing well. Praying for a miracle for you.

Second, I felt sick for you when I read about your CPS issue. We just got through one and yes, it is horrible. Someone in my own family made a false report about me as an act of revenge, which made it all the harder as it tore apart my side of the family, along with traumatizing us and our children. And then when the first claim was closed as unsubstantiated, the person made another call to start the process all over. Thank God it's behind us now, but I seriously check every car that goes slowly down our road now because I'm afraid it's another caseworker coming. I hope I can relax about it soon. I am praying for you and I hope that your case gets closed swiftly.
-e

Anonymous said...

Oh, and from the same anon as above, I forgot to say...I know nothing else looks good either, but if it cheers you up any, my son just turned 3 years old, and at 10 weeks gestation with him, there was a progesterone draw that was 9.5. I was on max doses of PIO with promethium in between. My Napro doc was sure it was over, but here's my boy, safe and well. God can work miracles. -e

Amazing Life said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Conceiving Hope said...

Knowing what is ahead from experience is terrible. I'm so sorry for the bad news you got tonight. That's coming from someone who was on 600mg oral progesterone and 200mg of PIO and still only got to an 11. We did lose that child, but I will be praying for a miracle for you and baby to not have to live that. Love and prayers to you.

stacym88 said...

My prayers continue for you and your family. Peace and grace in this suffering.

Sew said...

I have some choice words that I will keep to myself about both situations. I'm very sorry. I love how CPS waste their time where it isn't needed. Common sense could help them in their field of work.

Leila@LittleCatholicBubble said...

You have definitely been placed in the crucible. I am praying for you. So very sorry. xoxoxo

WheelbarrowRider said...

Amazing Life, I only removed your comment because you used dh's name :) Everyone, thank you so much for the prayers. I am annoyed at the CPS situation mostly due to timing. Thank goodness the person i talked to was reasonable. I do not at all like that they talked to my children without my knowing, but that is how they have to do it. The schools know me, so while it sucked, I am using it to teach others. I appreciate how protective everyone is of me. I appreciate the prayers and the hope in miracles. I am such a realistic, it is good to have you all praying for a miracle for me. It feels good to have you all behind me, esp when I have been a horrible blogger, reader, commenter for so long. I feel surrounded by love and grace!.

polkadot said...

Oh my goodness! Prayers and lots more prayers for you!

Hafsa said...

Oh my gosh, how awful for you to have to experience two such stressful situations. I'm astonished (but I know I shouldn't be) at CPS and the way they handle these situations. My heart goes out to you.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Praying for you and baby!!! <3
I can't believe CPS. I am worried about leaving Luke alone in the car for 2 seconds while I push a shopping cart to the corral or to the front of the store. I'm glad you shared your story.

Joy Complete said...

My first time getting a chance to comment on your new baby, but I wanted to let you know I have been following all along and you are definitely in my prayers. Praying for your husband to get this new job opportunity - you could use some good news! May God bless you and give you peace.