Bad Things Do Happen to Good People-and it's okay

So Sunday's readings focused on Job and the homily was why bad things happen to good people. I think it was good for dh to be reminded.And thankfully, it looks like he is going to get the job he applied for (after 5 long years of looking). And it looks to be a perfect match. If he hadn't gotten the job, I think he may have entered a very dark depression. There is only so much one person can take. It was nice to have something to be happy about. After mass, I let Fr. Edward (who did the blessing of the throats on me) know what is happening with the baby.

My mom had told me my little sister (KT-now KS) is mad at God for me. So I decided to write her a message. I wrote: I wanted to let you know I am okay. Really. You saw me on the worst day. I am at peace. My faith carries me. We can talk about it sometime, but I am definitely not mad at God. Not at all. I know how much you hate this for me. I do. and I appreciate that. Sometime we will talk more about it. I don't want you to think it's an off limits topic or you can't talk to me about the losses for fear of making me sad. I don't mind talking about my babies-living or in heaven. The goal of life isn't happiness, though there is certainly joy along the way. The goal of life is heaven. As a mother, that's the ultimate goal for my children. And so, as with every person that loses someone, I selfishly want them here. But as you well know, selfishness has no place in parenting. We give everything of ourselves for our children. I gave this baby life. God allowed dh and I a hand in co-creating this child. This brought me immense joy! And my faith tells me my lap will be full in heaven with all 7 of my beautiful babies one day! That blows my mind. I don't know why 4, likely five, were taken so soon. But I do trust God. Unlike our earthly father, our Heavenly Father is perfect. And He only desires good for me. His goal is for me to get to heaven too, and I know my babies are one of those ways. I also know the good that has come from our journey. The closeness of dh and I, the strengthening of our faith, teaching our children about loss and life and the goal of life and leading them by example. But maybe most of all using our story to teach others about God's plan, about authentic healthcare and such. We have a mutual mission that has come out of our story. It has helped make us who we are. I know you can empathize (my sister lost her fiancee and only recently remarried her best friend).  God hasn't finished our tory yet. He might have adoption and fostering in our future. I am excited to see what is next. Even death is not the end of our story. That is what our faith has taught us. I love you!" She replied saying if that was my worst, wow, and how my faith is inspiring and she is proud of me. How we will talk more when I am not in the middle of it and how she will pray for a miracle. I replied and let her know that I didn't actually mean when I saw her I was at my worst, but that day, and that I the worst was hyperventilating sobs on the floor of my closet after the level was returned at 9 and then I told her about the homily since she has brought up the why do bad things happen to good people question. It was good, and just another example of how God uses our story to open doors that wouldn't normally be there. My sister doesn't attend church and her baby is unbaptized. She wasn't married in a church. So I am grateful for the conversation.

Today started with another rosary (AJ keeps asking to go!) and Chaplet of Divine Mercy in the adoration chapel. Keep in mind him asking to go doesn't mean he prays it or is particularly reverent. But he is reasonably quiet. Even if the crucifix on the rosary becomes an airplane short term. :) I dropped him at preK and noticed the Feb bible quote was Phillipians 4:6-7 (Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving make your request known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.)  Next I went to mass. It was about healing again. You know where my faith fails? I fail to really beg God for a miracle and make that request known to Him. Even though I know He is capable. I just don't really doubt what He has chosen for the outcome I guess. And maybe it's too painful.

I had my scan at 11am. I was a little surprised she could still measure the heartbeat at such a low rate (50's). They may be able to see it later, but they won't be able to measure it any lower. Unless I hear differently I will keep the scan and appt with doctor on Monday. I didn't see him today. The ultrasound tech said "I hate you have to wait until there is no heartbeat to do anything." I replied "I don't mind, it leaves room for God." Not everyone in the office is as pro life as my doctor.

I have been thinking a lot about natural miscarriage versus D&C. I don't like to do a D&C with every one, but it has been about every other. It's the easy way out, and I don't mind. Somethings are okay to be easy. It means less uncertainty of when and where, and will I be at home with the kids and able to care for them. I means less fear, will I see the baby like last time? I was so unprepared and wasn't happy with the outcome. However, I don't recall the instructions. I may not be able to swim after. We have an overnight hotel booked with an indoor water park for March 1st with the boys. I want to be in the water with them. So that might factor in as well. I emailed dr. Toth. If he thinks infection will be worse as a result, I won't do it. I don't want to feed the monster.

I have thoughts about our next steps with kids too. I am mulling it all over. It may seem soon, but it helps. I will save those thoughts for another post when I can think more clearly.

Oh, and our DCF visit is tomorrow. She has to come to my home and watch me interact with my 4 yr old. Awkward. I decided we will play Bonopoly Jr (his pronunciation). It is adorable, highly entertaining, and something we do regularly. Maybe that will make it less awkward. :)


Lucky as Sunshine said...

Still praying for you.. sorry to be the bearer of the swimming news.. but no swimming for several weeks ( maybe even a month after a D&C ) -

Amazing Life said...

Oh, my prayers are with you!

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Keeping you close in constant prayer, J ~ and asking Bl. Fulton Sheen for his intercession. <3
Prayers also for a smooth visit tomorrow with DCFS.

stacym88 said...

You are strong. I can see God is holding you up and will continue to. If you want to talk "natural" miscarriage, let me know. That's how it happened with both of mine and although I know they are each different it might give you something to consider since mine were no trouble...well, as much as the death of a child can be no trouble.

Stephanie @ Blessed to Be said...

Praying for you!

Georgie said...

Thinking of you and your sweet baby today.

Julie said...

I believe that God is bigger than this! He is a God of big miracles! Praying you get your miracle soon!!!