The Current State of Things

While I considered myself having infertility (only through major meds could we even get pregnant), I had not experienced all types. Most notably, on meds, I could get pregnant QUICKLY. As in 1-3 cycles like textbook Hilgers if nothing is wrong. So I did not experience the disappointment of cycle after cycle. Additionally, for whatever reason, I did not experience the frustration and jealously of others with large families, friends around me getting pregnant, etc. However, recently, I have a burning sting about those who are pregnant. Happy for them, but sad for me. This is new. It isn't constant, thankfully. I go through phases. And my baby, oh you guys, my baby is so big! Kindergarten next year but already five. Not to mention TALL. Not to mention he thinks he is seven like his brother. He is growing up at lightening speed. Just lightening speed!

 And this is my 7 year old...

I can't get pregnant. I can, physically, get pregnant with meds (at least most likely if nothing has changed). But I can't, because if I do, we will have another loss. I am as certain as anyone can be certain of anything. Sometimes I wonder if this is wrong, acting out of fear. But then I remind myself it isn't fear of the unknown, it is fact based on experience. And while God can and certainly does sometimes choose to bless people with miracles, I also know I am not called to conceive as many children as possible to try and have one that would stick. So we avoid. And we look into adoption. And in the past it has caused some stress and tension. And for the most part I wonder if it isn't a bad idea to put dh so far out of his comfort zone. I know without a doubt that I should not and will not putt having more children above my marriage and created that kind of stress for us. Particularly lately, I don't know if we are really strong enough to handle it.

My husband and I are different. I want to adopt for what we could give as much as what we could get. I have a PhD in special education. I am scared, yes, but open to God's will in expanding our family.

My husband is a good man. Not much disability exposure. Fear of the unknown. Understandably a little skiddish and selfish. He wants a baby. A girl. Healthy. Young. And yet, he doesn't want to pay a ton of money (honestly, we could if we needed). He doesn't want a long or stressful process. He thinks we have been through enough of all that with miscarriages. He wants a child easily or no child. If no child, not ideal, but happy with what we have. And he doesn't want to be an "old dad" so he wants it all now.

I am also happy with what we have. I selfishly want a child, but I also have fears. Fears of things being hard. Fears of stressful times ahead. Typical kiddos are hard. Kids with high needs or kids you will care for the rest of your life to one degree or another are hard. But I know through some of these things, if God's will, then we grow stronger. We are meant to grow. So I am scared, but willing.

Where dh and I disagree is that this life should be easy. He feels he works hard, there should be the monetary reward he has. He doesn't think we should spend to the point we are stressed about money. My thought is life is too easy right now folks. We have been incredibly blessed. We aren't doing enough. We will have to account for how we used these resources.

So this difference turned into a total impasse when his new job required so much travel we couldn't attend the other five foster classes to get certified. And I was totally okay with that. And then he changed jobs again (so rare for him) and with job change is stress. The travel ended, but he is busy learning something new. And I knew it wasn't the right time.

Slowly, I am giving away our baby stuff. Mostly toys I know the kids in foster care need and would use. Nothing earth shattering like the crib. But as I tried to give something away the other day, dh stopped me. He asked, if you think we aren't done having kids, why give things away? Or something to that effect. He asked if I was 100% sure we were done. Well no, I said, as long as you are still open to it. So now I am sort of surprised, but he is. I know God is leading me to just be patient, and if it is meant to happen it will happen. But it will not happen by me dragging dh into things. This has to be his idea. Like New York. I almost can't care. And God has helped me find that line. To be somewhat impartial, seeing benefits to both sides. Appreciate what we have, yet hoping for more. Open to life, and yet discerning if it is right. Knowing with certainty that it isn't good for my marriage to push, and I would rather accept what we have and be done than to put that at risk. I wonder if God intentionally has put all these super scary stories about adoptions that fall through and difficult circumstances in my path. I think He wants me to know my own fears and weaknesses and that this path isn't to be taken lightly.

Did I tell you a woman recently gave me some rock to mix with milk from where Mary breastfed Jesus? And there is a prayer for healing and a baby. You guys, I almost couldn't believe it myself but I did not want to touch that powder with a ten foot pole. I had to call a good friend who has never been pregnant (she used to be a FertilityCare practitioner) who long ago discerned that having kids any other way wasn't for her. She totally got it when I hardly got it myself. So then I mentioned it to dh and he said, "great, let's do it." And you know what? I thought, wow, I should follow his lead. And then I never did. It sits in a pile on my desk. You all, infertility is a weird weird thing. Many days I don't eve know what to say about my own emotions. I am sure I would be a field day for a shrink! :)

I thought my children were done asking for a sibling (used to be daily), but it came up again. They want one so bad! Both of them asked again and started up the conversation. They really want an infant, differ on gender. I was glad dh heard the convo this time. It usually is just me. They know any baby won't come from my belly without a miracle, but of course they don't care how one is conceived. They just know they want one. Or think they want one :)

I recently was asked to speak on Napro to a mom's group. I accepted. I know that I will have to put a long time and a lot of thought and prayer into such a talk. i haven't done one since we have lost the three since Anthony. And dh has some anger there, issues to resolve and he will no longer speak on it with me. So if you think about, please say a prayer that I say what those young moms and families need to hear.

How's that for all over the place randomness after all this time not writing? Keenly aware I never posted funeral pics too. It's just one of those things, I will when I feel like pulling them out...

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