Mentally and Physically Exhausted

I am sorry for the absence. While I have the time, I don't seem to have the energy to do much.

Friday was my D&C. For those of you that didn't see my update, sweet Charlie broke me that morning. He came and sat on my lap. He told me with great excitement, that he knew why I was having surgery. "It's to fix your belly, so you can have lots and lots of cute babies!" He was clearly proud. I looked him in the eyes and hugged him, and gently corrected him. "No, baby. It isn't that. I wish though. Actually, the doctors told mommy that I won't be able to have more babies because of my belly. Any babies we have will be those whose mommy's and daddy's can't take care of them."Well, here I had not wanted to drop the bomb of the baby dying before school or bed, so we were waiting until Saturday. And, of course, this was equally devastating to him. He went to school (I found out today) and told his teacher immediately. She said, "I am sorry. I know that's very sad for you." His reply was, "yes, but more so for mom." He is such a beautiful old soul.

The surgery itself went well. Since it wasn't until 1pm, I had a busy morning. Before surgery I literally ran up to the church and talked to Fr. Mike (our head priest) and got him up to speed. I went to the cemetery and, since the baby had died, I could sign the paperwork and they could assign him a spot. We put Gerard and our last name, and our best guess at the day he died, 2.12.15 (The day he no longer had a heartbeat) on his headstone. I handled it all pretty well and wasn't upset. I was happy, to bury him. To think of it, I really hadn't cried hard since the day the progesterone dropped low. Just a few tears when telling people that he actually passed. I got more brochures from the cemetery to continue my mission.

Surgery went well. You know I think I have had 20 surgeries or so!. Not good, right? All minor, but still! I have had about 5 eye surgeries (lazy eye, plus one benign tumor removed), two cysts removed, at least 3 laps for endo, and this was my 5th D&C because I had one after Anthony's birth and one minor one as part of the Dr. Toth treatment. So, while I am no good with narcotics and need lots of anti nausea, we figured this out long ago and they compensated just fine. There was a little tension prior to surgery. Dr. Snider had told me I could take the baby with me, but then the nurse told me pathology needed him. I told Dr. Snider, and he fought the lab who were insisted I come back for baby Tuesday. The nurse was clearly worried they would forget and dispose. Doctor said basically, look, I have done this before. Take a sample now. Do what you need from this, but she is taking the baby now. He clarified again we weren't looking for any testing, only whatever may be required by the hospital.

As a result, we brought our baby home. The container looked like a small margarine container, solid white and in then that was in a bag. We were told the refrigerator or freezer would be best, and since we had an empty freezer in our garage that is where we stored the baby. I snuck out to the garage at least a few times since to kiss the baby while I am able.

I continued to not be that upset. My mom had made us dinner, and taken care of the boys during the surgery. My dad had driven me, and dh came for all he could (before, during, and then left after the doctor came to talk to him). His work is so nuts and stressful. Ugh.

My in laws had plans to come in town for the weekend before they knew. In fact, I told her only that morning before my surgery. We were glad they were still coming and she helped a lot with kids and cleanup. We enjoyed their company and distraction and they loved on the boys.

Recovery went very well. I have continued to have very little bleeding, and only wore a pad the first day of surgery. One ob/gyn told me the little bleeding was due to him cauterizing my cervix. I wonder if this obgyn did the same? I must have had decent IV meds that lasted, because I didn't feel raw and sore inside until Sunday morning. It lasted about 24-36 hrs and was alright with a few ibuprofen.

We told Charlie and AJ that we were pregnant and the baby had died Saturday morning. It was short and sweet. After we gave them stuffed animals for their Valentines. They handled it well. Charlie, later when he was hungry and crabby, commented he didn't like the name (which has changed now). He said he wanted a girl, and also wanted the baby to be named Jack. We explained why it was important to us to have him be Gerard, then I got the idea that Charlie could provide the middle name (we didn't give any of our losses middle names). He didn't think Jack sounded good as a middle name, he thought about Seven, and finally settled on Nike. I looked it up and it means victory, which is fitting. I will explain why in another post.

Saturday day Charlie has his last basketball game for winter season. Dh is coaching, which is awesome. No one there knew, and it was pretty normal. My in laws were great, but I can't say it didn't get a little awkward with them this weekend. First, they are Lutheran. They have very similar beliefs to us if you go with one of their subjects, the other is into women priests (American? I don't know...) However, I said something about purgatory (not in relation to our babies, but us) and realized too late I hit on a difference. I just held my tongue when FIL said it wasn't in the bible and Jesus dying on the cross was all that was needed. Sigh. I didn't have it in me to get into it. It only got more awkward from there when FIL asked why the heck we didn't put my eggs with dh's sperm in a surrogate. So I had to explain (on my own, dh was somewhere else) that it was against our belief system because it separates creation of child from the act, that it wouldn't fix our problem, that it is costly, that it often leads to weeding out of fertilized embryos, that it didn't have particularly high rates of success. And that we were just plain done when it came to a bio child. Dh and I agree we are glad they are comfortable enough to ask, so that the silver lining.

We asked about my SIL that is ttc since married (her dh was married before and had a child and then a vasectomy that they reversed last Sept). I know she is sad with each month passing. She emailed us and said she was sorry about our loss, and then could she host a weight loss home based business party in our house? She would call us tonight. Um, not now, but thanks. We are a bit overwhelmed with everything at the moment. She said they are moving on to IVF if they don't get pregnant soon on their own. (dh and sibling were all raised Catholic-dad was Catholic and mom was Lutheran. Dad passed when dh, oldest, was 12. Mom remarried Lutheran 5 yrs later. all local family is Lutheran. Sister doesn't attend church anymore. Dh went to RCIA when met me and got confirmed before proposing. His other brother found God during NA, but since moving closer to us he has stayed clean but hasn't attended a church).

We went ahead and did our annual tradition for Valentine's day (we at the fancy restaurant dh proposed to me in. For much more fun reading see my post from after the fact here) but made it an early night. Happy to see that night Gaffigan is coming to town this summer, so fun to think ahead when things will be lighter around here.

Sunday, when I started feel raw, I also started feeling a little snappy. I hadn't heard from Fr. Mike about a funeral date, and had expected to Saturday. I saw Fr. Edward after mass, and it was clear that Fr. Mike hadn't talked to him yet. Which left it on me to tell him the baby was for sure gone, had surgery, waiting to hear from Fr. Mike re prayer service in response to all his specific questions I wasn't expecting to answer in the lobby. I lost it. Poor father. And dh came running up because he was over talking to someone else. Sometimes it hits me when I don't expect it, you know? I lost it again walking out of church, big sobs.

Fr. Gerard called Sun pm. After being in Phillipines for a family matter, he had been on retreat. He is back and talked to Fr. Mike. We find out he will do the service Ash Wed at noon (prayer service-a mass would be too long for dh to miss work over lunch) and committal at the grave site. Fr. Edward wants to come as well, which is incredibly sweet, so he was able to switch masses with the head priest (Fr. Mike) to cover his ash Wed lunch mass so we can do this. Everyone is being incredibly sweet and accommodating. Of course, it is going to be insanely cold on Wed...we decided not to pull kids from school to attend. We will take them to the grave when the headstone is done to see where he is.

Monday and Tuesday my oldest was off school, which was awesome. I took AJ to preK for half day Monday (they are always open because they do aftercare for school age) so C could have a play date. When I turned on the tv, it jumped to Horton from last night, the boy asked if that was for AJ. Charlie very matter of factly explained that our baby died, his name was Gerard, I got to name his middle name, and we watched the movie in honor of him because a person is a person no matter how small. Wow. I didn't see that all spilling out. So I emailed his mom and explained and apologized. I had told Charlie before, but reiterated it's okay to talk about it, and if you are feeling sad it is best to seek out a grown up you trust.

My friend who thought her daughter may have down syndrome or some other trisomy that might result in a still born got her amnio results Monday. The immediate results said none of those, so they are waiting the rest of the results to come in. Thank you for praying for her.

Monday, I called the funeral home and they said it wasn't too late to add a middle name to the stone, so Nike it is. Regarding the funeral today, none of my family is coming. And while I said I don't care and thought I meant it, I really do care. I am trying to be charitable about it and not judge the reasoning, but am mostly hurt by my mom (whose reasoning was she was baby-sitting KT, now KS's son). As if no one else can do that. And my dad as well, who didn't seem to think it was necessary to rely to my invitation at all. I really can't say anything to my dh or sisters about it or it fuels an ongoing issue where they feel defensive of me...I completely know friends would come if we asked, I have the most incredible IRL friends and online support so it isn't that. I decided before I invited my family that all I need there for me is dh. He is enough. And so if they want to come for them, no problem. But my mom-it hurts a little.

Tuesday we ran a ton of errands (including picking up the baby's container), and also did some donating to a great organization for foster care and kid's at risk for being removed. I am so proud of my boys, who gave their sleeping bags to kids that have no beds (7 kids in a double wide trailer, no money, plus lice now to boot. The girls are getting bullied for their clothes-please pray for them!)

Today my day began with a rosary for a young man my age, dad of 4 (including a newborn) that has colon cancer. Please keep him in your prayers. I was able to go to the early mass, so now I need to prepare for the funeral. Thank you again for all your support and prayers.

This One Won't Be the Same...Updated

...because my baby Gerard will have a proper burial.  I found out, after my last post, from AJ's godmother that the local Catholic cemetary (read as 2 seconds from my house) did burials for an insanely reasonable amount. Honestly, I believe the idea of a funeral entered my head with past babies, but I assumed it would be outrageously expensive. I also assumed my husband wouldn't go for it, and it would be a fight. So I didn't go there. A decision made from lack of information.

When something terrible happens, people don't want to discuss it. I am no exception. It is just recently that I have opened up to a fellow blogger, my mom, and some friends that when I passed Nicholas (loss #4), I had him in my hands. I didn't expect it. I was early. He was perfect. I was in awe and simultaneously terrified. I didn't know what to do. I had no plan. My husband didn't know what to do. He was totally freaked out. It was winter, a fire was going. I knew people buried babies on their land. I have two digging up worms type of boys and a large German Shepherd. I didn't feel comfortable with that. I didn't love it, but I considered us cremating the baby. It was better than flushing the baby down the toilet with the rest. Before then I had two D&C's after losses and one loss very early where nothing was discernible. This was different. I was so unprepared. Due to fear, and lack of information, my baby went knowingly back in the toilet. It makes me want to throw up. It really was our dirty little secret. I felt like a pro life fraud. I felt alone. No support in that area of my loss. 

But this baby will be different. After my friend telling me, I called. And yesterday I heard back. Yes, they have a program. Just a few years old or so, so not around for my first two losses. For a mere $75, you can have a service if you like, a 12x12 plot, and a 12x12 headstone engraved with the baby's name and date. They supply the container and everything you need. And you know what? You can bring the baby in yourself, so if you pass the baby at home that is totally fine. I just assumed there were rules against that sort of thing! The baby is buried in their Memorial garden for miscarriage and stillborns (there are more rules so the cost is more for stillborns-$300 and you do your own headstone, which someone shared with me can be done cheaply through a link I will try to remember to come back and supply). The garden has the Infant of Prague statue. It is beautiful. There is a wall where all the names are engraved again. And it is right off my street the way I pass at least twice a day, and this area is right where I can see from the road. I can hardly believe it exists, and yet, what I really can't believe is how I didn't know about it. After I talked to the woman I went and saw for myself. This Catholic cemetery, so beautiful. Clearly valuing life. The Knights have a memorial to all the victims of abortion. It is just incredible. 

Well, you know I am a woman on a mission now. I took pamphlets and they are already gone. I am telling my doctor (Catholic pro life, never said a word before). I am telling my mother, who is a social worker at the hospital. I am telling my priests. I already had it announced at the arch diocesan bible study and I can't tell you how many women will be reached. Laura H said based on the response to her announcement this was very new information to most. I am sure. My mom lost a 20 week old and she was never able to have a funeral. So sad!

Gerard will be at rest so close! Likely where dh and I will be buried. While I wish they were all there, I can't change the past. I can only help others who don't know. 

Tomorrow I have a D&C. It is fast, I know. But I decided on one recently for several reasons, some good and some not. First, my children and I are doing the swimming thing March 1. I can swim 2 weeks post operation per my doctor's office. I could swim if I did it natural, but I probably wouldn't want to. I have bled before for a long time. It is hard to see that blood. It is painful emotionally. I am a control person. I don't like not knowing where or when. When it gets bad, it's heavy blood and cramping. I don't want that to sneak up on my when I am with my kids. I have bad memories of doing it at home with Nicholas. And Michael, my first. I had a D&C with Michael, but it was scheduled so far out I did pass all but Michael at home. I was more than 10 weeks, it was a ton of blood and very scary. I wasn't prepared, thinking I would not do this at home. They kept asking me how much blood, a pad an hour? how does one know when they can't leave the toilet?! So that was my reasoning.

Once I decided I called the doctor's office. My sono wasn't until Monday. I was curious if they thought they would get me in that Wed. Except the doc was going to be out of town all week. They let me get scanned today, and the baby had passed. Still measuring 6 weeks, so no growth in exactly 7 days. And no heartbeat. It was hard, but good. And you know the tech was Catholic and didn't know about the cemetery option? So there you go!

I got a good reflection someone shared with me I want to pass on with you, but dh is home with the antibacterial soap so I need to start prepping by showering and getting some food. I can't eat after midnight and surgery isn't until 1pm CST! Please pray for me. I know you will, and I am so comforted by that!

Update: God is purifying me by fire today. I am starving despite the cookie dough and milk at 10pm and the dinner that followed. I am such a wuss when it comes to food. But mostly because Charlie (who knows I am having surgery, has been reassured it isn't major and i am okay, and we haven't told about pregnancy because we are waiting until he is home all weekend to process it) told me this morning excitedly: "I know why you are having surgery today, mama! It's to fix your broken belly so we can have lots and lots of cute babies!" I told him we just found out recently that my broken belly isn't fixable and that no more babies will be grown in my belly; however, maybe someday we can help someone who can't take care of their own baby by raising it." This. This child! But that won't kill  me as much as the people who know what is going on and make comments like the one I got this morning after a preK drop off; it was basically that she had two boys and is totally done because, you know, if she had another boy she would die. Seriously? Seriously! Even knowing our situation. And that we have two boys. Obviously we wouldn't die if we got another boy. Some people. We are put here to wake them from their obliviousness. More on that when I can write the next post. I am offering everything today up for my child's godparents, for my friend waiting for her amnio results (she is at risk for a stillborn due to a genetic condition the baby may have based on bloodwork), and for all those waiting and wanting a(nother) child.