I am sorry for the absence. While I have the time, I don't seem to have the energy to do much.
Friday was my D&C. For those of you that didn't see my update, sweet Charlie broke me that morning. He came and sat on my lap. He told me with great excitement, that he knew why I was having surgery. "It's to fix your belly, so you can have lots and lots of cute babies!" He was clearly proud. I looked him in the eyes and hugged him, and gently corrected him. "No, baby. It isn't that. I wish though. Actually, the doctors told mommy that I won't be able to have more babies because of my belly. Any babies we have will be those whose mommy's and daddy's can't take care of them."Well, here I had not wanted to drop the bomb of the baby dying before school or bed, so we were waiting until Saturday. And, of course, this was equally devastating to him. He went to school (I found out today) and told his teacher immediately. She said, "I am sorry. I know that's very sad for you." His reply was, "yes, but more so for mom." He is such a beautiful old soul.
The surgery itself went well. Since it wasn't until 1pm, I had a busy morning. Before surgery I literally ran up to the church and talked to Fr. Mike (our head priest) and got him up to speed. I went to the cemetery and, since the baby had died, I could sign the paperwork and they could assign him a spot. We put Gerard and our last name, and our best guess at the day he died, 2.12.15 (The day he no longer had a heartbeat) on his headstone. I handled it all pretty well and wasn't upset. I was happy, to bury him. To think of it, I really hadn't cried hard since the day the progesterone dropped low. Just a few tears when telling people that he actually passed. I got more brochures from the cemetery to continue my mission.
Surgery went well. You know I think I have had 20 surgeries or so!. Not good, right? All minor, but still! I have had about 5 eye surgeries (lazy eye, plus one benign tumor removed), two cysts removed, at least 3 laps for endo, and this was my 5th D&C because I had one after Anthony's birth and one minor one as part of the Dr. Toth treatment. So, while I am no good with narcotics and need lots of anti nausea, we figured this out long ago and they compensated just fine. There was a little tension prior to surgery. Dr. Snider had told me I could take the baby with me, but then the nurse told me pathology needed him. I told Dr. Snider, and he fought the lab who were insisted I come back for baby Tuesday. The nurse was clearly worried they would forget and dispose. Doctor said basically, look, I have done this before. Take a sample now. Do what you need from this, but she is taking the baby now. He clarified again we weren't looking for any testing, only whatever may be required by the hospital.
As a result, we brought our baby home. The container looked like a small margarine container, solid white and in then that was in a bag. We were told the refrigerator or freezer would be best, and since we had an empty freezer in our garage that is where we stored the baby. I snuck out to the garage at least a few times since to kiss the baby while I am able.
I continued to not be that upset. My mom had made us dinner, and taken care of the boys during the surgery. My dad had driven me, and dh came for all he could (before, during, and then left after the doctor came to talk to him). His work is so nuts and stressful. Ugh.
My in laws had plans to come in town for the weekend before they knew. In fact, I told her only that morning before my surgery. We were glad they were still coming and she helped a lot with kids and cleanup. We enjoyed their company and distraction and they loved on the boys.
Recovery went very well. I have continued to have very little bleeding, and only wore a pad the first day of surgery. One ob/gyn told me the little bleeding was due to him cauterizing my cervix. I wonder if this obgyn did the same? I must have had decent IV meds that lasted, because I didn't feel raw and sore inside until Sunday morning. It lasted about 24-36 hrs and was alright with a few ibuprofen.
We told Charlie and AJ that we were pregnant and the baby had died Saturday morning. It was short and sweet. After we gave them stuffed animals for their Valentines. They handled it well. Charlie, later when he was hungry and crabby, commented he didn't like the name (which has changed now). He said he wanted a girl, and also wanted the baby to be named Jack. We explained why it was important to us to have him be Gerard, then I got the idea that Charlie could provide the middle name (we didn't give any of our losses middle names). He didn't think Jack sounded good as a middle name, he thought about Seven, and finally settled on Nike. I looked it up and it means victory, which is fitting. I will explain why in another post.
Saturday day Charlie has his last basketball game for winter season. Dh is coaching, which is awesome. No one there knew, and it was pretty normal. My in laws were great, but I can't say it didn't get a little awkward with them this weekend. First, they are Lutheran. They have very similar beliefs to us if you go with one of their subjects, the other is into women priests (American? I don't know...) However, I said something about purgatory (not in relation to our babies, but us) and realized too late I hit on a difference. I just held my tongue when FIL said it wasn't in the bible and Jesus dying on the cross was all that was needed. Sigh. I didn't have it in me to get into it. It only got more awkward from there when FIL asked why the heck we didn't put my eggs with dh's sperm in a surrogate. So I had to explain (on my own, dh was somewhere else) that it was against our belief system because it separates creation of child from the act, that it wouldn't fix our problem, that it is costly, that it often leads to weeding out of fertilized embryos, that it didn't have particularly high rates of success. And that we were just plain done when it came to a bio child. Dh and I agree we are glad they are comfortable enough to ask, so that the silver lining.
We asked about my SIL that is ttc since married (her dh was married before and had a child and then a vasectomy that they reversed last Sept). I know she is sad with each month passing. She emailed us and said she was sorry about our loss, and then could she host a weight loss home based business party in our house? She would call us tonight. Um, not now, but thanks. We are a bit overwhelmed with everything at the moment. She said they are moving on to IVF if they don't get pregnant soon on their own. (dh and sibling were all raised Catholic-dad was Catholic and mom was Lutheran. Dad passed when dh, oldest, was 12. Mom remarried Lutheran 5 yrs later. all local family is Lutheran. Sister doesn't attend church anymore. Dh went to RCIA when met me and got confirmed before proposing. His other brother found God during NA, but since moving closer to us he has stayed clean but hasn't attended a church).
We went ahead and did our annual tradition for Valentine's day (we at the fancy restaurant dh proposed to me in. For much more fun reading see my post from after the fact here) but made it an early night. Happy to see that night Gaffigan is coming to town this summer, so fun to think ahead when things will be lighter around here.
Sunday, when I started feel raw, I also started feeling a little snappy. I hadn't heard from Fr. Mike about a funeral date, and had expected to Saturday. I saw Fr. Edward after mass, and it was clear that Fr. Mike hadn't talked to him yet. Which left it on me to tell him the baby was for sure gone, had surgery, waiting to hear from Fr. Mike re prayer service in response to all his specific questions I wasn't expecting to answer in the lobby. I lost it. Poor father. And dh came running up because he was over talking to someone else. Sometimes it hits me when I don't expect it, you know? I lost it again walking out of church, big sobs.
Fr. Gerard called Sun pm. After being in Phillipines for a family matter, he had been on retreat. He is back and talked to Fr. Mike. We find out he will do the service Ash Wed at noon (prayer service-a mass would be too long for dh to miss work over lunch) and committal at the grave site. Fr. Edward wants to come as well, which is incredibly sweet, so he was able to switch masses with the head priest (Fr. Mike) to cover his ash Wed lunch mass so we can do this. Everyone is being incredibly sweet and accommodating. Of course, it is going to be insanely cold on Wed...we decided not to pull kids from school to attend. We will take them to the grave when the headstone is done to see where he is.
Monday and Tuesday my oldest was off school, which was awesome. I took AJ to preK for half day Monday (they are always open because they do aftercare for school age) so C could have a play date. When I turned on the tv, it jumped to Horton from last night, the boy asked if that was for AJ. Charlie very matter of factly explained that our baby died, his name was Gerard, I got to name his middle name, and we watched the movie in honor of him because a person is a person no matter how small. Wow. I didn't see that all spilling out. So I emailed his mom and explained and apologized. I had told Charlie before, but reiterated it's okay to talk about it, and if you are feeling sad it is best to seek out a grown up you trust.
My friend who thought her daughter may have down syndrome or some other trisomy that might result in a still born got her amnio results Monday. The immediate results said none of those, so they are waiting the rest of the results to come in. Thank you for praying for her.
Monday, I called the funeral home and they said it wasn't too late to add a middle name to the stone, so Nike it is. Regarding the funeral today, none of my family is coming. And while I said I don't care and thought I meant it, I really do care. I am trying to be charitable about it and not judge the reasoning, but am mostly hurt by my mom (whose reasoning was she was baby-sitting KT, now KS's son). As if no one else can do that. And my dad as well, who didn't seem to think it was necessary to rely to my invitation at all. I really can't say anything to my dh or sisters about it or it fuels an ongoing issue where they feel defensive of me...I completely know friends would come if we asked, I have the most incredible IRL friends and online support so it isn't that. I decided before I invited my family that all I need there for me is dh. He is enough. And so if they want to come for them, no problem. But my mom-it hurts a little.
Tuesday we ran a ton of errands (including picking up the baby's container), and also did some donating to a great organization for foster care and kid's at risk for being removed. I am so proud of my boys, who gave their sleeping bags to kids that have no beds (7 kids in a double wide trailer, no money, plus lice now to boot. The girls are getting bullied for their clothes-please pray for them!)
Today my day began with a rosary for a young man my age, dad of 4 (including a newborn) that has colon cancer. Please keep him in your prayers. I was able to go to the early mass, so now I need to prepare for the funeral. Thank you again for all your support and prayers.
I am on the journey we are all called to-to accept God's will and perfect love. Whether I am white knuckling it with my eyes shut tight or standing up with my arms outstretched enjoying the ride, I try always to let God be the driver and not bail out the side when there are bumps (like IF!). On good days, I trust He won't run me into a tree. :)
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
2.12.2015
This One Won't Be the Same...Updated
...because my baby Gerard will have a proper burial. I found out, after my last post, from AJ's godmother that the local Catholic cemetary (read as 2 seconds from my house) did burials for an insanely reasonable amount. Honestly, I believe the idea of a funeral entered my head with past babies, but I assumed it would be outrageously expensive. I also assumed my husband wouldn't go for it, and it would be a fight. So I didn't go there. A decision made from lack of information.
When something terrible happens, people don't want to discuss it. I am no exception. It is just recently that I have opened up to a fellow blogger, my mom, and some friends that when I passed Nicholas (loss #4), I had him in my hands. I didn't expect it. I was early. He was perfect. I was in awe and simultaneously terrified. I didn't know what to do. I had no plan. My husband didn't know what to do. He was totally freaked out. It was winter, a fire was going. I knew people buried babies on their land. I have two digging up worms type of boys and a large German Shepherd. I didn't feel comfortable with that. I didn't love it, but I considered us cremating the baby. It was better than flushing the baby down the toilet with the rest. Before then I had two D&C's after losses and one loss very early where nothing was discernible. This was different. I was so unprepared. Due to fear, and lack of information, my baby went knowingly back in the toilet. It makes me want to throw up. It really was our dirty little secret. I felt like a pro life fraud. I felt alone. No support in that area of my loss.
But this baby will be different. After my friend telling me, I called. And yesterday I heard back. Yes, they have a program. Just a few years old or so, so not around for my first two losses. For a mere $75, you can have a service if you like, a 12x12 plot, and a 12x12 headstone engraved with the baby's name and date. They supply the container and everything you need. And you know what? You can bring the baby in yourself, so if you pass the baby at home that is totally fine. I just assumed there were rules against that sort of thing! The baby is buried in their Memorial garden for miscarriage and stillborns (there are more rules so the cost is more for stillborns-$300 and you do your own headstone, which someone shared with me can be done cheaply through a link I will try to remember to come back and supply). The garden has the Infant of Prague statue. It is beautiful. There is a wall where all the names are engraved again. And it is right off my street the way I pass at least twice a day, and this area is right where I can see from the road. I can hardly believe it exists, and yet, what I really can't believe is how I didn't know about it. After I talked to the woman I went and saw for myself. This Catholic cemetery, so beautiful. Clearly valuing life. The Knights have a memorial to all the victims of abortion. It is just incredible.
Well, you know I am a woman on a mission now. I took pamphlets and they are already gone. I am telling my doctor (Catholic pro life, never said a word before). I am telling my mother, who is a social worker at the hospital. I am telling my priests. I already had it announced at the arch diocesan bible study and I can't tell you how many women will be reached. Laura H said based on the response to her announcement this was very new information to most. I am sure. My mom lost a 20 week old and she was never able to have a funeral. So sad!
Gerard will be at rest so close! Likely where dh and I will be buried. While I wish they were all there, I can't change the past. I can only help others who don't know.
Tomorrow I have a D&C. It is fast, I know. But I decided on one recently for several reasons, some good and some not. First, my children and I are doing the swimming thing March 1. I can swim 2 weeks post operation per my doctor's office. I could swim if I did it natural, but I probably wouldn't want to. I have bled before for a long time. It is hard to see that blood. It is painful emotionally. I am a control person. I don't like not knowing where or when. When it gets bad, it's heavy blood and cramping. I don't want that to sneak up on my when I am with my kids. I have bad memories of doing it at home with Nicholas. And Michael, my first. I had a D&C with Michael, but it was scheduled so far out I did pass all but Michael at home. I was more than 10 weeks, it was a ton of blood and very scary. I wasn't prepared, thinking I would not do this at home. They kept asking me how much blood, a pad an hour? how does one know when they can't leave the toilet?! So that was my reasoning.
Once I decided I called the doctor's office. My sono wasn't until Monday. I was curious if they thought they would get me in that Wed. Except the doc was going to be out of town all week. They let me get scanned today, and the baby had passed. Still measuring 6 weeks, so no growth in exactly 7 days. And no heartbeat. It was hard, but good. And you know the tech was Catholic and didn't know about the cemetery option? So there you go!
I got a good reflection someone shared with me I want to pass on with you, but dh is home with the antibacterial soap so I need to start prepping by showering and getting some food. I can't eat after midnight and surgery isn't until 1pm CST! Please pray for me. I know you will, and I am so comforted by that!
Update: God is purifying me by fire today. I am starving despite the cookie dough and milk at 10pm and the dinner that followed. I am such a wuss when it comes to food. But mostly because Charlie (who knows I am having surgery, has been reassured it isn't major and i am okay, and we haven't told about pregnancy because we are waiting until he is home all weekend to process it) told me this morning excitedly: "I know why you are having surgery today, mama! It's to fix your broken belly so we can have lots and lots of cute babies!" I told him we just found out recently that my broken belly isn't fixable and that no more babies will be grown in my belly; however, maybe someday we can help someone who can't take care of their own baby by raising it." This. This child! But that won't kill me as much as the people who know what is going on and make comments like the one I got this morning after a preK drop off; it was basically that she had two boys and is totally done because, you know, if she had another boy she would die. Seriously? Seriously! Even knowing our situation. And that we have two boys. Obviously we wouldn't die if we got another boy. Some people. We are put here to wake them from their obliviousness. More on that when I can write the next post. I am offering everything today up for my child's godparents, for my friend waiting for her amnio results (she is at risk for a stillborn due to a genetic condition the baby may have based on bloodwork), and for all those waiting and wanting a(nother) child.
Update: God is purifying me by fire today. I am starving despite the cookie dough and milk at 10pm and the dinner that followed. I am such a wuss when it comes to food. But mostly because Charlie (who knows I am having surgery, has been reassured it isn't major and i am okay, and we haven't told about pregnancy because we are waiting until he is home all weekend to process it) told me this morning excitedly: "I know why you are having surgery today, mama! It's to fix your broken belly so we can have lots and lots of cute babies!" I told him we just found out recently that my broken belly isn't fixable and that no more babies will be grown in my belly; however, maybe someday we can help someone who can't take care of their own baby by raising it." This. This child! But that won't kill me as much as the people who know what is going on and make comments like the one I got this morning after a preK drop off; it was basically that she had two boys and is totally done because, you know, if she had another boy she would die. Seriously? Seriously! Even knowing our situation. And that we have two boys. Obviously we wouldn't die if we got another boy. Some people. We are put here to wake them from their obliviousness. More on that when I can write the next post. I am offering everything today up for my child's godparents, for my friend waiting for her amnio results (she is at risk for a stillborn due to a genetic condition the baby may have based on bloodwork), and for all those waiting and wanting a(nother) child.
2.11.2015
I am Not Alone
Yesterday wasn't the best. It was tough.
The DCF visit went fine and was over quickly. It started with a frustrating statement. She said "I thought of you yesterday regarding the story where the car was stolen with a baby inside." Honestly, how rude! Yes, a car can be stolen in 2 seconds, even with a child inside and parents standing right there as was this case. However, my car wasn't on! My keys were not it! The car was locked! Sigh. I realize I put my child at risk and won't again, but geez! Anyway, I am sure she would have rather stayed than gone on to less healthy situations she deals with day in and day out.
I received the "I am sorry you are miscarrying" email from Dr. Hilger's nurses. And Dr. Toth replied and basically said he was sorry there wasn't more he could do, but I have antibiotic resistant infection and there isn't anything else he has to give me. Essentially the result of this is we should actively avoid getting pregnant if we even have the possibility of ovulating. That sort of makes ovulating a bad thing, instead of the good thing it should be. I am also irritated because Dr. Toth knew we were basically resistant or getting resistant when we went in for treatment in NY. So what was his plan when I got pregnant? To continue to give me the abx he knows I am resistant to. Even this pregnancy he gave me those and then said he would try to find something different if the pregnancy continued. So what is this plan? Evidently it was that a miracle abx would be developed. Good grief!
I told everyone that knew yesterday. It was hard, but I feel their support and prayers.
I know some women that when a loss is going on, there is really nothing anyone can say and they find fault with nearly every well meaning response. I don't think I am that way, but I was very irritated yesterday by a seemingly well meaning response. I wasn't expecting my son's teacher at his Catholic to school to ask us if we have tried IVF. It's well meaning, yes. And completely ignorant. Ignorant because it doesn't match our issue. She is brain washed it is the cure all like everyone else. Ignorant because it isn't helpful to suggest something against the church's teaching when someone is feeling weak and vulnerable. She is culpable for sin too, in that case, I would think. And especially it's ignorant, as many Catholics are, that there is something better out there. The Creighton Model and Naprotechnology treat the cause of the problem, is data based, is proactive. So I let her know 1) it wouldn't work because it isn't for our issue 2) it bypasses the body's natural defenses to protect it from getting pregnant when something is really wrong WITHOUT FIXING WHAT'S WRONG and 3) we thought we were giving up cutting edge treatment, but we did so to be faithful Catholics. Then we were rewarded with the best irony-the 2000 yr old church houses the most cutting edge fertility treatment available thanks to Dr. Hilgers. There. See if she brings that one up again! Geez! Hopefully she left with a little more hope to offer people in the future.
Yesterday was also hard because I am researching my options and I have decided to look into burial after a friend let me know the Catholic cemetery has a spot for miscarried babies and stillborns. I assumed no such option existed and funerals would be insanely expensive. It seems that isn't necessarily the case, so I am getting the information. Perhaps I can pass this info on to my Catholic ob/gyn and my priests so that this can be brought up to others that might benefit. I can't believe this was never mentioned to me. Something I definitely want to share with others.
I realized yesterday I was especially bitter because I was fine. I was happy. We had closed that door. In that way I empathize with a friend, Rhiannon. We had accepted the cross of IF. In her case she had adopted. Was happy. Convinced to do one more try. Then pregnancy. Then loss. And the wound, which was healed, is ripped right back open. And in our case, an extra bit of salt, you are ovulating. Not good for helping keep babies around, just saved you $5 on clomid and now you have to avoid forever. Aren't you glad you spent $18k for that treatment in NY so you could do that? Ugh.
So that was yesterday. Today is a new day (Lord, your Lourdes talk at mass continues to be ironic. Maybe its another kind of healing we should shoot for!) Thanks, everyone, for letting me know I am not alone. Your prayers carry me when I can't put one foot in front of the other. Please pray for my friend, Beth. She has had two losses like us, and two kids our children's age that go to school with them. Her husband needed meds for them to conceive. They are not Catholic and he was about to have a vasectomy when she got pregnant unexpectedly (no meds for him) in Aug. They almost immediately lost the baby. They got pregnant again, and they are about 20 weeks. They opted for the early blood test for the gender and found out there was a chance of Down Syndrome. So they did another blood test, which showed increased chance of triple X or trisomy 18. This is confusing and stressful. It's a slippery slope. They are now having an amnio, because the not knowing is incredibly stressful. The chance of miscarriage with amnio is greater than the chance their child actually has one of these. I feel for them. I am grateful they are not tempted to miscarry. I wonder how many unsuspecting moms choose this test to know gender and end up with more info than they bargained for or wanted. How many abort out of fear, and their child may not have anything. God help us with these slippery slopes!
The DCF visit went fine and was over quickly. It started with a frustrating statement. She said "I thought of you yesterday regarding the story where the car was stolen with a baby inside." Honestly, how rude! Yes, a car can be stolen in 2 seconds, even with a child inside and parents standing right there as was this case. However, my car wasn't on! My keys were not it! The car was locked! Sigh. I realize I put my child at risk and won't again, but geez! Anyway, I am sure she would have rather stayed than gone on to less healthy situations she deals with day in and day out.
I received the "I am sorry you are miscarrying" email from Dr. Hilger's nurses. And Dr. Toth replied and basically said he was sorry there wasn't more he could do, but I have antibiotic resistant infection and there isn't anything else he has to give me. Essentially the result of this is we should actively avoid getting pregnant if we even have the possibility of ovulating. That sort of makes ovulating a bad thing, instead of the good thing it should be. I am also irritated because Dr. Toth knew we were basically resistant or getting resistant when we went in for treatment in NY. So what was his plan when I got pregnant? To continue to give me the abx he knows I am resistant to. Even this pregnancy he gave me those and then said he would try to find something different if the pregnancy continued. So what is this plan? Evidently it was that a miracle abx would be developed. Good grief!
"i have no remedy, sorry. If I hear anything about a miracle antibiotic, you will be the first to know about it."
I told everyone that knew yesterday. It was hard, but I feel their support and prayers.
I know some women that when a loss is going on, there is really nothing anyone can say and they find fault with nearly every well meaning response. I don't think I am that way, but I was very irritated yesterday by a seemingly well meaning response. I wasn't expecting my son's teacher at his Catholic to school to ask us if we have tried IVF. It's well meaning, yes. And completely ignorant. Ignorant because it doesn't match our issue. She is brain washed it is the cure all like everyone else. Ignorant because it isn't helpful to suggest something against the church's teaching when someone is feeling weak and vulnerable. She is culpable for sin too, in that case, I would think. And especially it's ignorant, as many Catholics are, that there is something better out there. The Creighton Model and Naprotechnology treat the cause of the problem, is data based, is proactive. So I let her know 1) it wouldn't work because it isn't for our issue 2) it bypasses the body's natural defenses to protect it from getting pregnant when something is really wrong WITHOUT FIXING WHAT'S WRONG and 3) we thought we were giving up cutting edge treatment, but we did so to be faithful Catholics. Then we were rewarded with the best irony-the 2000 yr old church houses the most cutting edge fertility treatment available thanks to Dr. Hilgers. There. See if she brings that one up again! Geez! Hopefully she left with a little more hope to offer people in the future.
Yesterday was also hard because I am researching my options and I have decided to look into burial after a friend let me know the Catholic cemetery has a spot for miscarried babies and stillborns. I assumed no such option existed and funerals would be insanely expensive. It seems that isn't necessarily the case, so I am getting the information. Perhaps I can pass this info on to my Catholic ob/gyn and my priests so that this can be brought up to others that might benefit. I can't believe this was never mentioned to me. Something I definitely want to share with others.
I realized yesterday I was especially bitter because I was fine. I was happy. We had closed that door. In that way I empathize with a friend, Rhiannon. We had accepted the cross of IF. In her case she had adopted. Was happy. Convinced to do one more try. Then pregnancy. Then loss. And the wound, which was healed, is ripped right back open. And in our case, an extra bit of salt, you are ovulating. Not good for helping keep babies around, just saved you $5 on clomid and now you have to avoid forever. Aren't you glad you spent $18k for that treatment in NY so you could do that? Ugh.
So that was yesterday. Today is a new day (Lord, your Lourdes talk at mass continues to be ironic. Maybe its another kind of healing we should shoot for!) Thanks, everyone, for letting me know I am not alone. Your prayers carry me when I can't put one foot in front of the other. Please pray for my friend, Beth. She has had two losses like us, and two kids our children's age that go to school with them. Her husband needed meds for them to conceive. They are not Catholic and he was about to have a vasectomy when she got pregnant unexpectedly (no meds for him) in Aug. They almost immediately lost the baby. They got pregnant again, and they are about 20 weeks. They opted for the early blood test for the gender and found out there was a chance of Down Syndrome. So they did another blood test, which showed increased chance of triple X or trisomy 18. This is confusing and stressful. It's a slippery slope. They are now having an amnio, because the not knowing is incredibly stressful. The chance of miscarriage with amnio is greater than the chance their child actually has one of these. I feel for them. I am grateful they are not tempted to miscarry. I wonder how many unsuspecting moms choose this test to know gender and end up with more info than they bargained for or wanted. How many abort out of fear, and their child may not have anything. God help us with these slippery slopes!
2.09.2015
Bad Things Do Happen to Good People-and it's okay
So Sunday's readings focused on Job and the homily was why bad things happen to good people. I think it was good for dh to be reminded.And thankfully, it looks like he is going to get the job he applied for (after 5 long years of looking). And it looks to be a perfect match. If he hadn't gotten the job, I think he may have entered a very dark depression. There is only so much one person can take. It was nice to have something to be happy about. After mass, I let Fr. Edward (who did the blessing of the throats on me) know what is happening with the baby.
My mom had told me my little sister (KT-now KS) is mad at God for me. So I decided to write her a message. I wrote: I wanted to let you know I am okay. Really. You saw me on the worst day. I am at peace. My faith carries me. We can talk about it sometime, but I am definitely not mad at God. Not at all. I know how much you hate this for me. I do. and I appreciate that. Sometime we will talk more about it. I don't want you to think it's an off limits topic or you can't talk to me about the losses for fear of making me sad. I don't mind talking about my babies-living or in heaven. The goal of life isn't happiness, though there is certainly joy along the way. The goal of life is heaven. As a mother, that's the ultimate goal for my children. And so, as with every person that loses someone, I selfishly want them here. But as you well know, selfishness has no place in parenting. We give everything of ourselves for our children. I gave this baby life. God allowed dh and I a hand in co-creating this child. This brought me immense joy! And my faith tells me my lap will be full in heaven with all 7 of my beautiful babies one day! That blows my mind. I don't know why 4, likely five, were taken so soon. But I do trust God. Unlike our earthly father, our Heavenly Father is perfect. And He only desires good for me. His goal is for me to get to heaven too, and I know my babies are one of those ways. I also know the good that has come from our journey. The closeness of dh and I, the strengthening of our faith, teaching our children about loss and life and the goal of life and leading them by example. But maybe most of all using our story to teach others about God's plan, about authentic healthcare and such. We have a mutual mission that has come out of our story. It has helped make us who we are. I know you can empathize (my sister lost her fiancee and only recently remarried her best friend). God hasn't finished our tory yet. He might have adoption and fostering in our future. I am excited to see what is next. Even death is not the end of our story. That is what our faith has taught us. I love you!" She replied saying if that was my worst, wow, and how my faith is inspiring and she is proud of me. How we will talk more when I am not in the middle of it and how she will pray for a miracle. I replied and let her know that I didn't actually mean when I saw her I was at my worst, but that day, and that I the worst was hyperventilating sobs on the floor of my closet after the level was returned at 9 and then I told her about the homily since she has brought up the why do bad things happen to good people question. It was good, and just another example of how God uses our story to open doors that wouldn't normally be there. My sister doesn't attend church and her baby is unbaptized. She wasn't married in a church. So I am grateful for the conversation.
Today started with another rosary (AJ keeps asking to go!) and Chaplet of Divine Mercy in the adoration chapel. Keep in mind him asking to go doesn't mean he prays it or is particularly reverent. But he is reasonably quiet. Even if the crucifix on the rosary becomes an airplane short term. :) I dropped him at preK and noticed the Feb bible quote was Phillipians 4:6-7 (Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving make your request known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.) Next I went to mass. It was about healing again. You know where my faith fails? I fail to really beg God for a miracle and make that request known to Him. Even though I know He is capable. I just don't really doubt what He has chosen for the outcome I guess. And maybe it's too painful.
I had my scan at 11am. I was a little surprised she could still measure the heartbeat at such a low rate (50's). They may be able to see it later, but they won't be able to measure it any lower. Unless I hear differently I will keep the scan and appt with doctor on Monday. I didn't see him today. The ultrasound tech said "I hate you have to wait until there is no heartbeat to do anything." I replied "I don't mind, it leaves room for God." Not everyone in the office is as pro life as my doctor.
I have been thinking a lot about natural miscarriage versus D&C. I don't like to do a D&C with every one, but it has been about every other. It's the easy way out, and I don't mind. Somethings are okay to be easy. It means less uncertainty of when and where, and will I be at home with the kids and able to care for them. I means less fear, will I see the baby like last time? I was so unprepared and wasn't happy with the outcome. However, I don't recall the instructions. I may not be able to swim after. We have an overnight hotel booked with an indoor water park for March 1st with the boys. I want to be in the water with them. So that might factor in as well. I emailed dr. Toth. If he thinks infection will be worse as a result, I won't do it. I don't want to feed the monster.
I have thoughts about our next steps with kids too. I am mulling it all over. It may seem soon, but it helps. I will save those thoughts for another post when I can think more clearly.
Oh, and our DCF visit is tomorrow. She has to come to my home and watch me interact with my 4 yr old. Awkward. I decided we will play Bonopoly Jr (his pronunciation). It is adorable, highly entertaining, and something we do regularly. Maybe that will make it less awkward. :)
My mom had told me my little sister (KT-now KS) is mad at God for me. So I decided to write her a message. I wrote: I wanted to let you know I am okay. Really. You saw me on the worst day. I am at peace. My faith carries me. We can talk about it sometime, but I am definitely not mad at God. Not at all. I know how much you hate this for me. I do. and I appreciate that. Sometime we will talk more about it. I don't want you to think it's an off limits topic or you can't talk to me about the losses for fear of making me sad. I don't mind talking about my babies-living or in heaven. The goal of life isn't happiness, though there is certainly joy along the way. The goal of life is heaven. As a mother, that's the ultimate goal for my children. And so, as with every person that loses someone, I selfishly want them here. But as you well know, selfishness has no place in parenting. We give everything of ourselves for our children. I gave this baby life. God allowed dh and I a hand in co-creating this child. This brought me immense joy! And my faith tells me my lap will be full in heaven with all 7 of my beautiful babies one day! That blows my mind. I don't know why 4, likely five, were taken so soon. But I do trust God. Unlike our earthly father, our Heavenly Father is perfect. And He only desires good for me. His goal is for me to get to heaven too, and I know my babies are one of those ways. I also know the good that has come from our journey. The closeness of dh and I, the strengthening of our faith, teaching our children about loss and life and the goal of life and leading them by example. But maybe most of all using our story to teach others about God's plan, about authentic healthcare and such. We have a mutual mission that has come out of our story. It has helped make us who we are. I know you can empathize (my sister lost her fiancee and only recently remarried her best friend). God hasn't finished our tory yet. He might have adoption and fostering in our future. I am excited to see what is next. Even death is not the end of our story. That is what our faith has taught us. I love you!" She replied saying if that was my worst, wow, and how my faith is inspiring and she is proud of me. How we will talk more when I am not in the middle of it and how she will pray for a miracle. I replied and let her know that I didn't actually mean when I saw her I was at my worst, but that day, and that I the worst was hyperventilating sobs on the floor of my closet after the level was returned at 9 and then I told her about the homily since she has brought up the why do bad things happen to good people question. It was good, and just another example of how God uses our story to open doors that wouldn't normally be there. My sister doesn't attend church and her baby is unbaptized. She wasn't married in a church. So I am grateful for the conversation.
Today started with another rosary (AJ keeps asking to go!) and Chaplet of Divine Mercy in the adoration chapel. Keep in mind him asking to go doesn't mean he prays it or is particularly reverent. But he is reasonably quiet. Even if the crucifix on the rosary becomes an airplane short term. :) I dropped him at preK and noticed the Feb bible quote was Phillipians 4:6-7 (Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving make your request known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.) Next I went to mass. It was about healing again. You know where my faith fails? I fail to really beg God for a miracle and make that request known to Him. Even though I know He is capable. I just don't really doubt what He has chosen for the outcome I guess. And maybe it's too painful.
I had my scan at 11am. I was a little surprised she could still measure the heartbeat at such a low rate (50's). They may be able to see it later, but they won't be able to measure it any lower. Unless I hear differently I will keep the scan and appt with doctor on Monday. I didn't see him today. The ultrasound tech said "I hate you have to wait until there is no heartbeat to do anything." I replied "I don't mind, it leaves room for God." Not everyone in the office is as pro life as my doctor.
I have been thinking a lot about natural miscarriage versus D&C. I don't like to do a D&C with every one, but it has been about every other. It's the easy way out, and I don't mind. Somethings are okay to be easy. It means less uncertainty of when and where, and will I be at home with the kids and able to care for them. I means less fear, will I see the baby like last time? I was so unprepared and wasn't happy with the outcome. However, I don't recall the instructions. I may not be able to swim after. We have an overnight hotel booked with an indoor water park for March 1st with the boys. I want to be in the water with them. So that might factor in as well. I emailed dr. Toth. If he thinks infection will be worse as a result, I won't do it. I don't want to feed the monster.
I have thoughts about our next steps with kids too. I am mulling it all over. It may seem soon, but it helps. I will save those thoughts for another post when I can think more clearly.
Oh, and our DCF visit is tomorrow. She has to come to my home and watch me interact with my 4 yr old. Awkward. I decided we will play Bonopoly Jr (his pronunciation). It is adorable, highly entertaining, and something we do regularly. Maybe that will make it less awkward. :)
2.05.2015
My Own Version of Hell-Updated Twice
Excuse the dramatics, it's been one hell of a 24 hrs.
A moment ago the local ob/gyn's nurse called with my progesterone level. (Recall I have no PPVI levels this entire pregnancy because no lab would ship. However, I found a lab that will ship recently and will do a draw tomorrow). Normally non-Hilgers labs are worthless because the range of normal is incredibly wide due to lab variability. Unfortunately my lab was so incredibly shitty, it even picked up on their radar as very low. I was a 9. I was on the max of progesterone in oil shots on top of HCG injections. Nine. I called PPVI almost hyperventilating I was so upset (so yes, my peace just flew out the window at my first number. I am so weak!). I wanted to know if they would say the number was worthless. They didn't. Stephanie got on and said how sorry she was. She may have said this isn't for sure. That nine was maybe more like a ten or eleven and that babies can survive. I don't know. My head was spinning. What she wasn't saying was the number was totally worthless. So I sobbed harder. My doctor didn't, to my disappointment, move up my Mon scan. I think they thought they were being humane and letting it play out longer to avoid limbo land after a scan. But guess what? I live in limbo land. so the absolute worst case scenario is the scan is inconclusive, and I have to...you guessed it wait until Monday. Like I am already doing. I called the nurse back and left a message asking her to call in a scan to the place across the street that does them all day long-day and night. I have been there before, even though they prefer their office (their lady only works Mon and Wed). So there is that. But that, friends is just one of two major stressors today. Update-the nurse said I can get scanned today after talking to the doctor so I will go in and let you know when I hear anything. Update: I was scanned and the baby's heartbeat was 79. The growth was a six days behind. This is the beginning of the end.
(for anyone who might doubt I look like I am showing. This is what being a narrow size 4 with 6 pregnancies under your belt looks like with number 7. The body just knows what to do I guess!)
Last week for the first time ever, I left my 4 yr old in a car with a window cracked and locked in front of our church school, across the street from my church and preschool. Not a main road. Not an obscure road. A road in the middle of my people. For two minutes. I literally mean 120 seconds or less. I called ahead for my 6 yr old to be pulled for a doc appt. They usually have him in the office, but he wasn't quite there. But close. He clearly had coat and bag together and just had to be walked two doors down. As I walked out, a women held the door for me and it was clear she was coming in for me. She was a DCF worker (Dept of Children and Families). I got a verbal warning. That was Thursday. My brother in law works in foster care, so I asked him if I should be concerned (other than the fact that my husband may kill me. He is 100 times more safety concerned than I am, and to say I am lax would be laughable. My 4 and 6 yr old have never been outside alone (front or back). They have never not held a hand for two seconds or rode without carseats. We don't take risks. Except me, this day, this way. For the first time. And even then I had a twinge of "should I have done that?" that I ignored because I am constantly babying AJ because he is my youngest. Please-keep in mind. I have my PhD in education. I am a part time worker and a full time mom. I am room mother, volunteer, party planner, up at the schools all the time, everyone knows me. To make matters more laughable, as I was getting Charlie the next day and a friend (who is very very conscientious) asks if AJ is in the car. No, I said, I never leave him in the car for school pickup. He was at preK. Oh, she said, I leave Conner all the time. He never wants to come in. So I say, funny story, and go on to mortify the hell out of her.
Which takes us to last night when my dh brings a pamphlet off the front porch which is titled "why you are being investigated." It has a social workers card on the back that says "call me." How he didn't look further, I don't know. But I hid it (he has a huge job interview Sat am he is flying out for-5 people for 4 hrs-and he doesn't need the stress) and texted my brother in law that said, " I am sorry. Just do whatever they ask and don't act like you don't need what they offer." Humble. Very humbling.
I tell a friend and she had been just that moment prior to our call meditating on Exodus14:14 which basically says God will fight for me and I am to stay still. Very appropriate. So I kept it all to myself, knowing I would call the social worker back Fri so that dh would be at work and he wouldn't be able to talk to her until he returned.
So that brings us to today. So I drop Charlie off, take AJ to a rosary and divine mercy chaplet in the adoration chapel and head to bible study. Then I assist in the atrium for CGS like I do every Thursday. Totally sounds like someone that beats her kids, right? Well, she called while I was out and then she called my husband when she didn't reach me. I didn't know this until I called her back. She told me that it was submitted and that she visited Charlie at school Tues and AJ Wed. What the what? And neither the school or my kids said a word?! I answered her questions satisfactory and my kids answer matched, and she said she would talk to dh and then close the case stating the claims were unsubstantiated. Good! I text dh and said not to call her, I had it covered and hoped it would suffice.
Then I got the progesterone result and called PPVI. Then he called and I pulled it together, miraculously, but he still wanted to know why she called and at least at that point I could say it was going to be okay. He was not happy. And I didn't want to add to his stress! But I lost it and he was clear there was more than that, so he got the whole kitten caboodle right before he went into the rest of his long day during his busiest time. Where he is going to come home and prep and then do it all again tomorrow only to fly out.
So then I called the preK and explained because only God knows what they were thinking (they said that it was a mistake!) and now I get to do the same at the Elementary. I will not be embarrassed of this, but rather use it as a teaching moment for others. So that is how my day has gone so far. Someone is going to have to commit me because I am not that strong. I asked God to make me a saint. I don't know what the heck I was thinking with that one!
Friday update: Today was a full non-working day. I went to rosary/divine mercy chaplet at adoration, then mass. Then I went into Elementary school and explained the situation with DCF to the counselor who will share it with others at my request. I went ahead and got the blood draw for progesterone and the new lab mailed it to PPVI. I got the shots from the doctor since dh was at work at that point (and leaving on a plane for a big interview after work. Please please please pray he gets this job!). I went to lunch with my mom, rested 30 min and took a shower. I got ready and even put lipstick on. I felt better. I got my kids and held them close! We snuggled with take out and watched a movie. I devoured a pounder of almond M&M's. It's 8:30pm Fri and I am in my pjs about to watch Grey's Anatomy (don't judge, I never stopped watching...). And you know what? I am okay? I only cried a few times today talking to people. They were eyes well up with tears not gut wrenching hyperventilating sobs like yesterday. My mom told me at lunch that my sister is upset for me. Defensive of me and mad at God for allowing this when she prayed so hard. And I defended God to my mom. I am not mad at Him. I trust Him. I asked for His will this whole time. And I stand by that. I am okay because he allows me to be okay through His grace. Thank you for your prayers, everyone!
A moment ago the local ob/gyn's nurse called with my progesterone level. (Recall I have no PPVI levels this entire pregnancy because no lab would ship. However, I found a lab that will ship recently and will do a draw tomorrow). Normally non-Hilgers labs are worthless because the range of normal is incredibly wide due to lab variability. Unfortunately my lab was so incredibly shitty, it even picked up on their radar as very low. I was a 9. I was on the max of progesterone in oil shots on top of HCG injections. Nine. I called PPVI almost hyperventilating I was so upset (so yes, my peace just flew out the window at my first number. I am so weak!). I wanted to know if they would say the number was worthless. They didn't. Stephanie got on and said how sorry she was. She may have said this isn't for sure. That nine was maybe more like a ten or eleven and that babies can survive. I don't know. My head was spinning. What she wasn't saying was the number was totally worthless. So I sobbed harder. My doctor didn't, to my disappointment, move up my Mon scan. I think they thought they were being humane and letting it play out longer to avoid limbo land after a scan. But guess what? I live in limbo land. so the absolute worst case scenario is the scan is inconclusive, and I have to...you guessed it wait until Monday. Like I am already doing. I called the nurse back and left a message asking her to call in a scan to the place across the street that does them all day long-day and night. I have been there before, even though they prefer their office (their lady only works Mon and Wed). So there is that. But that, friends is just one of two major stressors today. Update-the nurse said I can get scanned today after talking to the doctor so I will go in and let you know when I hear anything. Update: I was scanned and the baby's heartbeat was 79. The growth was a six days behind. This is the beginning of the end.
(for anyone who might doubt I look like I am showing. This is what being a narrow size 4 with 6 pregnancies under your belt looks like with number 7. The body just knows what to do I guess!)
Last week for the first time ever, I left my 4 yr old in a car with a window cracked and locked in front of our church school, across the street from my church and preschool. Not a main road. Not an obscure road. A road in the middle of my people. For two minutes. I literally mean 120 seconds or less. I called ahead for my 6 yr old to be pulled for a doc appt. They usually have him in the office, but he wasn't quite there. But close. He clearly had coat and bag together and just had to be walked two doors down. As I walked out, a women held the door for me and it was clear she was coming in for me. She was a DCF worker (Dept of Children and Families). I got a verbal warning. That was Thursday. My brother in law works in foster care, so I asked him if I should be concerned (other than the fact that my husband may kill me. He is 100 times more safety concerned than I am, and to say I am lax would be laughable. My 4 and 6 yr old have never been outside alone (front or back). They have never not held a hand for two seconds or rode without carseats. We don't take risks. Except me, this day, this way. For the first time. And even then I had a twinge of "should I have done that?" that I ignored because I am constantly babying AJ because he is my youngest. Please-keep in mind. I have my PhD in education. I am a part time worker and a full time mom. I am room mother, volunteer, party planner, up at the schools all the time, everyone knows me. To make matters more laughable, as I was getting Charlie the next day and a friend (who is very very conscientious) asks if AJ is in the car. No, I said, I never leave him in the car for school pickup. He was at preK. Oh, she said, I leave Conner all the time. He never wants to come in. So I say, funny story, and go on to mortify the hell out of her.
Which takes us to last night when my dh brings a pamphlet off the front porch which is titled "why you are being investigated." It has a social workers card on the back that says "call me." How he didn't look further, I don't know. But I hid it (he has a huge job interview Sat am he is flying out for-5 people for 4 hrs-and he doesn't need the stress) and texted my brother in law that said, " I am sorry. Just do whatever they ask and don't act like you don't need what they offer." Humble. Very humbling.
I tell a friend and she had been just that moment prior to our call meditating on Exodus14:14 which basically says God will fight for me and I am to stay still. Very appropriate. So I kept it all to myself, knowing I would call the social worker back Fri so that dh would be at work and he wouldn't be able to talk to her until he returned.
So that brings us to today. So I drop Charlie off, take AJ to a rosary and divine mercy chaplet in the adoration chapel and head to bible study. Then I assist in the atrium for CGS like I do every Thursday. Totally sounds like someone that beats her kids, right? Well, she called while I was out and then she called my husband when she didn't reach me. I didn't know this until I called her back. She told me that it was submitted and that she visited Charlie at school Tues and AJ Wed. What the what? And neither the school or my kids said a word?! I answered her questions satisfactory and my kids answer matched, and she said she would talk to dh and then close the case stating the claims were unsubstantiated. Good! I text dh and said not to call her, I had it covered and hoped it would suffice.
Then I got the progesterone result and called PPVI. Then he called and I pulled it together, miraculously, but he still wanted to know why she called and at least at that point I could say it was going to be okay. He was not happy. And I didn't want to add to his stress! But I lost it and he was clear there was more than that, so he got the whole kitten caboodle right before he went into the rest of his long day during his busiest time. Where he is going to come home and prep and then do it all again tomorrow only to fly out.
So then I called the preK and explained because only God knows what they were thinking (they said that it was a mistake!) and now I get to do the same at the Elementary. I will not be embarrassed of this, but rather use it as a teaching moment for others. So that is how my day has gone so far. Someone is going to have to commit me because I am not that strong. I asked God to make me a saint. I don't know what the heck I was thinking with that one!
2.13.2014
When Enough is Enough and The Peace That Surpasses All Understanding
I appreciate the responses to my last post. TEBB is never fun. But...I'm okay. It was a clear sign. I don't like ambiguity. I know my hormones are great. I know the TEBB is the result of infection. I know our Chlamyd.ia infection is resistant to everything we've thrown it's way.
I know we could still try. We have only tried 2 cycles since our late Aug treatment. Sept was 30 days of antibiotics. I believe we tried in October, in November I missed my fertile signs so we didn't try. In December we tried one time after seeing what I thought was TEBB and then were on Cipro the rest of the cycle. In January we tried for the second cycle. It's already February, and here I am in the fertile phase again.
Given our history, there is a decent chance that we would get pregnant this cycle trying. But, also given our history, there is a decent chance we will miscarry. Do I know the exact percent? Of course not. But I feel like we passed the tipping point in my mind. Like 55% miscarriage, 45% fine. Is there still a chance things would be fine. Of course. But I am not good with chances like 55/45. I am just not.
Is it for the right reasons or the wrong reasons? I have asked myself this. I have prayed about it. And you know what I have? Peace. I have had peace about quitting since June. We did full treatment in NY, but I didn't have too. I didn't feel desperation. I felt like I was open to it, and my dh lead us and I was happy to follow. I had realistic expectations after talking to some amazing gals that did the Hilgers/Toth route before me. I knew it wasn't necessarily our ace in the hole. No guarantees. We don't regret going. Honestly. We don't feel like we were owed something because we went.
Some thoughts in my head have been 'Is continuing to try better or worse for my marriage?' Dh and I can only be together during fertile times. We were recommended that by Dr. Toth and we did it, not because we wanted to but because it is what was healthiest for our future child. It is not good to have relations that only exist at fertile times for the purpose of procreation. It is not good to not connect in that important way at other times of the month. My dh and I have been hit some huge blows in our family and personally. My dh is struggling with shoulder pain and needs surgery; is in a job with a verbally abusive unappreciative boss he can't stand-for the last 8 years. My sister lost her husband, got caught doing meth, lost her kids. We discerned custody of the kids. These are big things. Are hearts have been heavy. We are not great experts of supporting each other and showing love when we can't be together. Yes, we need to learn to do this better, and I am reading Simcha's book on NFP (so good!) but we are real people with sin and avoiding all this time is hard. We have avoiding all 6 pregnancies including two full term. I think we've had a life time of avoiding in our 7 years of marriage. Seven years of marriage, six pregnancies. All consuming.
And when I wait those twelve weeks to see if a pregnancy will last? Time stops. It just stops. It moves so slow everyday. I live and die by blood draws. I am so emotionally drained I eat chocolate and watch tv and that's my life. I can't hardly function. That's not healthy. And really, with infection, it can cause pre-term labor and all sorts of complications at any point if not managed. So the risk never really goes away.
I also ask myself 'is it more selfish to try or to not try?' Babies in heaven is not a bad thing, necessarily. I mean, it is the goal. But if we believe a person is a person no matter how small then the pain, oh the pain of this mother's heart at parting earlier than expected. Are we not trying to avoid the pain of another loss? No. It isn't nearly that simple.
I was not a good mom to my kids during my losses. I was consumed by the pain. My last pregnancy, Nicholas, was conceived on Christmas. I bled for five long weeks. I passed his body and held it in my hands. I am still having a hard time with not giving him a proper burial. We were so taken off guard. We lost him on Valentine's Day. It is all very fresh still. I saw his fingers, you guys. His fingers!
My life is not calm. My nuclear family is always in turmoil. My dad and mom are no longer in good health due to a life of stress. My stress is not the focus of the family. It is a drop in the bucket. My stress and losses are one more thing for my mom to feel guilty about not being there for me.
My life revolves around insurance, appointments, and lots of lots of blood draws. The medicines add up in cost, and the cost of it all is beyond financial. I am tired.
I am happy for my little sister's pregnancy. She is 12 weeks-praise God! Genuine happiness. I am not sure if that would continue if I was pregnant myself, dying through the first trimester day by day. Or God forbid experiencing a loss.
Dr. Toth and Dr. Hilger's did not tell us not to try. They did say they have nothing more to offer me at this point. They did say they would throw a ridiculous amount of antibiotics at me after conception. You know what I think? I think that after the fact isn't nearly as good as prior in fixing a problem such as infection. Dr. Toth was never going to give us a post conception IV again. Nope. We think I am immune to that. I already became immune to Biaxin for sure. So it was going to be Zithromax alone and hope it works. Lots and lots of Zithromax. Around 1000 mg (the max). Until I can't take it anymore either. And we don't even know if that will work? Not to mention where will that leave me in the future when I get something like, God forbid, the MRSA my dad has? Is there such thing as being resistant to difluca.n? I don't want to find out. I take it monthly now and so does dh. My stomach is strong as can be against these antibiotics, it's amazing. But the yeast...Did I mention HCG shots? If I got pregnant, not only would I continue the four progesterone shots in my hips (2 shots, 2 cc each, twice a week for the entire pregnancy), but Dr. Hilgers wants me to give myself HCG shots in my stomach throughout the pregnancy as well. Just in case. Due to so many losses. I don't mind needles, but that is so much. I remember Dr. Hilgers trying to comfort me when we had our phone consult. He told me women with eight losses had gone on to conceive. Let's just say I didn't feel better. That is fine for them, they have that right. But I didn't plan on letting it get to that point!
So what's changed? This was always the plan since Aug, no IV after conception. And HCG shots. My sister didn't just get pregnant. My life didn't just now get crazy. My husband and my marriage didn't just now get stressed. I could go on and on. Except one thing. One thing changed that changes everything. The TEBB is back. And that's enough. The scales have tipped in favor of miscarriage, and that isn't a risk I am willing to take. It doesn't feel like a decision made out of fear. To try feels like a decision made out of desperation for us. To throw everything and the kitchen sink at it, Andrea's words-God love her, is possible. But not desirable. I just don't feel I need to know I did everything. Even though we basically did. You know what I feel? Peace. And a bit of freedom and excitement about what might be in store for us. And that, my friends, only comes from God. Because that sure as hell isn't me talking! :)
have made it no secret on my blog that I feel at peace. I am grateful
I know we could still try. We have only tried 2 cycles since our late Aug treatment. Sept was 30 days of antibiotics. I believe we tried in October, in November I missed my fertile signs so we didn't try. In December we tried one time after seeing what I thought was TEBB and then were on Cipro the rest of the cycle. In January we tried for the second cycle. It's already February, and here I am in the fertile phase again.
Given our history, there is a decent chance that we would get pregnant this cycle trying. But, also given our history, there is a decent chance we will miscarry. Do I know the exact percent? Of course not. But I feel like we passed the tipping point in my mind. Like 55% miscarriage, 45% fine. Is there still a chance things would be fine. Of course. But I am not good with chances like 55/45. I am just not.
Is it for the right reasons or the wrong reasons? I have asked myself this. I have prayed about it. And you know what I have? Peace. I have had peace about quitting since June. We did full treatment in NY, but I didn't have too. I didn't feel desperation. I felt like I was open to it, and my dh lead us and I was happy to follow. I had realistic expectations after talking to some amazing gals that did the Hilgers/Toth route before me. I knew it wasn't necessarily our ace in the hole. No guarantees. We don't regret going. Honestly. We don't feel like we were owed something because we went.
Some thoughts in my head have been 'Is continuing to try better or worse for my marriage?' Dh and I can only be together during fertile times. We were recommended that by Dr. Toth and we did it, not because we wanted to but because it is what was healthiest for our future child. It is not good to have relations that only exist at fertile times for the purpose of procreation. It is not good to not connect in that important way at other times of the month. My dh and I have been hit some huge blows in our family and personally. My dh is struggling with shoulder pain and needs surgery; is in a job with a verbally abusive unappreciative boss he can't stand-for the last 8 years. My sister lost her husband, got caught doing meth, lost her kids. We discerned custody of the kids. These are big things. Are hearts have been heavy. We are not great experts of supporting each other and showing love when we can't be together. Yes, we need to learn to do this better, and I am reading Simcha's book on NFP (so good!) but we are real people with sin and avoiding all this time is hard. We have avoiding all 6 pregnancies including two full term. I think we've had a life time of avoiding in our 7 years of marriage. Seven years of marriage, six pregnancies. All consuming.
And when I wait those twelve weeks to see if a pregnancy will last? Time stops. It just stops. It moves so slow everyday. I live and die by blood draws. I am so emotionally drained I eat chocolate and watch tv and that's my life. I can't hardly function. That's not healthy. And really, with infection, it can cause pre-term labor and all sorts of complications at any point if not managed. So the risk never really goes away.
I also ask myself 'is it more selfish to try or to not try?' Babies in heaven is not a bad thing, necessarily. I mean, it is the goal. But if we believe a person is a person no matter how small then the pain, oh the pain of this mother's heart at parting earlier than expected. Are we not trying to avoid the pain of another loss? No. It isn't nearly that simple.
I was not a good mom to my kids during my losses. I was consumed by the pain. My last pregnancy, Nicholas, was conceived on Christmas. I bled for five long weeks. I passed his body and held it in my hands. I am still having a hard time with not giving him a proper burial. We were so taken off guard. We lost him on Valentine's Day. It is all very fresh still. I saw his fingers, you guys. His fingers!
My life is not calm. My nuclear family is always in turmoil. My dad and mom are no longer in good health due to a life of stress. My stress is not the focus of the family. It is a drop in the bucket. My stress and losses are one more thing for my mom to feel guilty about not being there for me.
My life revolves around insurance, appointments, and lots of lots of blood draws. The medicines add up in cost, and the cost of it all is beyond financial. I am tired.
I am happy for my little sister's pregnancy. She is 12 weeks-praise God! Genuine happiness. I am not sure if that would continue if I was pregnant myself, dying through the first trimester day by day. Or God forbid experiencing a loss.
Dr. Toth and Dr. Hilger's did not tell us not to try. They did say they have nothing more to offer me at this point. They did say they would throw a ridiculous amount of antibiotics at me after conception. You know what I think? I think that after the fact isn't nearly as good as prior in fixing a problem such as infection. Dr. Toth was never going to give us a post conception IV again. Nope. We think I am immune to that. I already became immune to Biaxin for sure. So it was going to be Zithromax alone and hope it works. Lots and lots of Zithromax. Around 1000 mg (the max). Until I can't take it anymore either. And we don't even know if that will work? Not to mention where will that leave me in the future when I get something like, God forbid, the MRSA my dad has? Is there such thing as being resistant to difluca.n? I don't want to find out. I take it monthly now and so does dh. My stomach is strong as can be against these antibiotics, it's amazing. But the yeast...Did I mention HCG shots? If I got pregnant, not only would I continue the four progesterone shots in my hips (2 shots, 2 cc each, twice a week for the entire pregnancy), but Dr. Hilgers wants me to give myself HCG shots in my stomach throughout the pregnancy as well. Just in case. Due to so many losses. I don't mind needles, but that is so much. I remember Dr. Hilgers trying to comfort me when we had our phone consult. He told me women with eight losses had gone on to conceive. Let's just say I didn't feel better. That is fine for them, they have that right. But I didn't plan on letting it get to that point!
So what's changed? This was always the plan since Aug, no IV after conception. And HCG shots. My sister didn't just get pregnant. My life didn't just now get crazy. My husband and my marriage didn't just now get stressed. I could go on and on. Except one thing. One thing changed that changes everything. The TEBB is back. And that's enough. The scales have tipped in favor of miscarriage, and that isn't a risk I am willing to take. It doesn't feel like a decision made out of fear. To try feels like a decision made out of desperation for us. To throw everything and the kitchen sink at it, Andrea's words-God love her, is possible. But not desirable. I just don't feel I need to know I did everything. Even though we basically did. You know what I feel? Peace. And a bit of freedom and excitement about what might be in store for us. And that, my friends, only comes from God. Because that sure as hell isn't me talking! :)
have made it no secret on my blog that I feel at peace. I am grateful
9.18.2013
The End of the Road?
Dramatic title, much? Yes, I know, but I do want to ponder this topic out loud.
But first, quick updates and background. We will wrap up our oral antibiotics on Sept. 26th. It's been good, for the most part. I do have bright orange urine once or twice a day, but thankfully my tears and sweat didn't change color. There have been a lot of sweaty 100+ days around here. That could have been...awkward.
I am taking a pretty benign probiotic, Syntol, and a second one called Yeast Management. These are mostly aimed at yeast and probably not as comprehensive as some. Dh takes align, nothing special, and hardly takes it daily. He does eat yogurt regularly, which I think can help but isn't the end all. We are, again, in general, doing great. I did have one day with very loose stools that could have been very embarrassing had I been working from my office. And that's all I am going to say about that! My dh has survived in that area. He did, we believe, have symptoms of yeast he got from me prior to all this. Those continued. My symptoms of yeast went away after treatment until about day 12 on orals. And then I died the slow death known as the yeas.t infection. Lord knows I am not exaggerating and if I could have physically removed my lady parts in anyway, I would have, and been quite happy about it. But this from someone who also didn't show enough restraint around the halloween candy.
I decided to be so smart and go to the drug store for an OTC treatment. I always forget about those. One day treatment does not in one day heal, fyi. More like 3-7. Ugh. The cream had another bad effect-making me unsure of my observations. On a month that correct charting is essential. Not good.
Dh was also treating OTC for yeast and he felt he wasn't improving. I called Dr. Toth's office as they suggested if not better and they were about to script Difl.ucan for both of us (despite me not mentioning my problem) when...oops. It decreases the effectiveness of Rifampin. So don't take together. So you should probably stop taking Rifampin and finish up after Difl.ucan. My question-will that put taking Rifampin during my fertile time or even post ovulation? Is that safe? I didn't really like the idea of disrupting our protocol. Dawn put Dr. Toth on the line who promptly said he didn't like the idea of me taking Rifampin on it's own. Our choices were to: a) ride it out. Difl.ucan (one pill, twice a week for two weeks totally four pills each) after Rifampin is done on the 26th or b) take Difl.ucan now if we must, but quit Rifampin permanently. Guess whose riding it out? Yup. These suckers.
So I continue to heal and dh continues to tread water. I can tell you he doesn't seem to be near as uncomfortable as I was or even am now 5 days post 1 day treatment so I don't feel too bad.
Some other updates, Dr. Hilger's office has been amazing in that they came back with a SHSG date of 9/27/13. Yup, the day after I finish abx. The catch, I need to be CD 4-8. Not like a reg HSG where I could be any old day. A very tight window of cycle combined with a very tight window of when Dr. Toth wanted it. They seemed to align. I got a call a few days later from Cheryl, the surgery scheduler with more info. Did it look like I would ovulate on time? I told her I might be late. Work was crazy stressful. Like I have responsibility for $25 million work of human subject protection work to take care of in a short timeline when new info keeps coming out of the woodwork. I was kind of freaking out I wouldn't meet my deadline, meaning we could not get approved to collected the data in time, when folks were scheduled with plane tickets already. That kind of pressure. Then Cheryl is on the phone saying here is your pre-op appt (wait, I have to go down a day early-I was thinking this was a one day deal?) and you'll also need an u/s the day before and a hospital pre-op. Yikes-I am thinking if my mom goes with me so the hospital will release me, then who will watch the kids...and you are telling me, don't stress, we need you to ovulate so you will be on CD 4-8?! Aaaaaahhhhh!
But my head didn't explode. instead I had peak type mucus that day, because I am weird like that. My prayer was for things to line up if we should go and they were. I have childcare. I have someone to go with me. I have a date that works with cycle (so far) and Dr. Toth's requests. So what's the problem. It's a teensy thing Cheryl said in all that "don't stress" talk. I said, just a little concerned that my insurance won't cover the HSG in a hospital. Clearly that bill could be huge. Her response? Oh, those are rarely covered. Okay.....I trust you, God. Really. But really?!
I called Rene to pre cert. The thought was, if it isn't covered then we won't go. Period. My tubes could be freaking open, people. I don't want to pay a surgery on my own dime to find this out!!!! On the flip side, they could be closed. And a little catheter through and they could be open. A little procedure. With a big price tag. A $20,000 hospital only self pay price tag, not including any of the doc bills (Hilgers, radiology, and anesthesiology) per Rene. Insert more bad news. First of all, BCBS will say they never pay SHSG. But the good news, they always do in the context of a lap. But the bad news, I am not having a lap. More bad news, there is no one that she knows that has done it this way so nothing to go on. And while precert isn't necessary, she would do it. But it's no guarantee. And they will say no, because they always say no to SHSG. Despite the fact they say they will cover dx of but not tx of infertility. To check the tubes, in my book, is to dx. To unblock is to treat. Heck, I would pay the $900 to unblock them if they were blocked if the $20k hospital bill was tied to the dx and not the tx. She guessed it was a 50/50 chance. She will talk to her supervisor, but that's what she is thinking. That, my friends, is not a risk I am willing to take. On tubes that may be already blocked. Oh, Erin, I hope you are right!
So, I have heard a lot of discussion on the yahoo health board about when to say when with ttc. And while I am sure it is different for everyone, I can tell you my journey, I have had enormous peace come over me in the last 18 months and time to absorb the fact that I may not have another child. There are moments of sadness, but it didn't have to come all at once. It was an adjustment over time. I am extremely grateful for my boys. I would love another child. But I have peace. I do not feel desperate. I do not ever want to make ttc my life or my God. Despite all we've done, it hasn't bothered me. Everyone is different on how much is too much. For me, what has bothered me is the losses. The four babies I can not hold. That will never snuggle into me and let me sniff them or squeeze me tight when they are scared. The hair I can't brush out of their eyes. Their cries I can't comfort. In a therapy session, I drew a line I didn't know I had until it came out. One more loss and I am done. Dh agreed. Dr. Toth confirmed, said completely independently. In that office we came up with another line we'd draw. If the tubes were blocked, as in tubal reconstruction blocked, we were done. Here we are. Facing potentially $20k in surgery. We are done. Unless God swings the door wide open, we will try with what we have. Tubes blocked or unblocked, we don't know. But we will not pursue further expensive treatments. We will take these next three cycles to try. The tubes may very well be open after inflammation goes down, but they may be shut in a minor way or a big way. And we are going to let it go. We will not have turned over every possible leaf. That's okay. I know in my heart it is not for us to spend this money. It won't be good on my marriage. I don't feel responsible spending it. God has a plan for us. It may be our two boys. It may be future adopted children. I have no idea. But I trust in His plan. It really wasn't a hard decision to make. It made sense to both of us and we are at peace. It wasn't even a hard decision. We just stepped outside of the situation and thought spending that money is nuts. For us, its nuts. Sometimes when you are too close to the situation, you come up with all sorts of what ifs and how our circumstances make this special. For us, stepping outside made it clearer. We have not drawn a line yet, but in the future we may have to decide again when to stop actively ttc with clomid. We know 3 cyles was enough for each of our other pregnancies, but perhaps we will need 6 to let go. I don't know. And it will be hard if we don't conceive. But despite hard times, there can still be peace in our decision. I sure know that from experience that day in the airport. I am excited about what lies ahead. If God writes our story, it will continue to be incredible.
But first, quick updates and background. We will wrap up our oral antibiotics on Sept. 26th. It's been good, for the most part. I do have bright orange urine once or twice a day, but thankfully my tears and sweat didn't change color. There have been a lot of sweaty 100+ days around here. That could have been...awkward.
I am taking a pretty benign probiotic, Syntol, and a second one called Yeast Management. These are mostly aimed at yeast and probably not as comprehensive as some. Dh takes align, nothing special, and hardly takes it daily. He does eat yogurt regularly, which I think can help but isn't the end all. We are, again, in general, doing great. I did have one day with very loose stools that could have been very embarrassing had I been working from my office. And that's all I am going to say about that! My dh has survived in that area. He did, we believe, have symptoms of yeast he got from me prior to all this. Those continued. My symptoms of yeast went away after treatment until about day 12 on orals. And then I died the slow death known as the yeas.t infection. Lord knows I am not exaggerating and if I could have physically removed my lady parts in anyway, I would have, and been quite happy about it. But this from someone who also didn't show enough restraint around the halloween candy.
I decided to be so smart and go to the drug store for an OTC treatment. I always forget about those. One day treatment does not in one day heal, fyi. More like 3-7. Ugh. The cream had another bad effect-making me unsure of my observations. On a month that correct charting is essential. Not good.
Dh was also treating OTC for yeast and he felt he wasn't improving. I called Dr. Toth's office as they suggested if not better and they were about to script Difl.ucan for both of us (despite me not mentioning my problem) when...oops. It decreases the effectiveness of Rifampin. So don't take together. So you should probably stop taking Rifampin and finish up after Difl.ucan. My question-will that put taking Rifampin during my fertile time or even post ovulation? Is that safe? I didn't really like the idea of disrupting our protocol. Dawn put Dr. Toth on the line who promptly said he didn't like the idea of me taking Rifampin on it's own. Our choices were to: a) ride it out. Difl.ucan (one pill, twice a week for two weeks totally four pills each) after Rifampin is done on the 26th or b) take Difl.ucan now if we must, but quit Rifampin permanently. Guess whose riding it out? Yup. These suckers.
So I continue to heal and dh continues to tread water. I can tell you he doesn't seem to be near as uncomfortable as I was or even am now 5 days post 1 day treatment so I don't feel too bad.
Some other updates, Dr. Hilger's office has been amazing in that they came back with a SHSG date of 9/27/13. Yup, the day after I finish abx. The catch, I need to be CD 4-8. Not like a reg HSG where I could be any old day. A very tight window of cycle combined with a very tight window of when Dr. Toth wanted it. They seemed to align. I got a call a few days later from Cheryl, the surgery scheduler with more info. Did it look like I would ovulate on time? I told her I might be late. Work was crazy stressful. Like I have responsibility for $25 million work of human subject protection work to take care of in a short timeline when new info keeps coming out of the woodwork. I was kind of freaking out I wouldn't meet my deadline, meaning we could not get approved to collected the data in time, when folks were scheduled with plane tickets already. That kind of pressure. Then Cheryl is on the phone saying here is your pre-op appt (wait, I have to go down a day early-I was thinking this was a one day deal?) and you'll also need an u/s the day before and a hospital pre-op. Yikes-I am thinking if my mom goes with me so the hospital will release me, then who will watch the kids...and you are telling me, don't stress, we need you to ovulate so you will be on CD 4-8?! Aaaaaahhhhh!
But my head didn't explode. instead I had peak type mucus that day, because I am weird like that. My prayer was for things to line up if we should go and they were. I have childcare. I have someone to go with me. I have a date that works with cycle (so far) and Dr. Toth's requests. So what's the problem. It's a teensy thing Cheryl said in all that "don't stress" talk. I said, just a little concerned that my insurance won't cover the HSG in a hospital. Clearly that bill could be huge. Her response? Oh, those are rarely covered. Okay.....I trust you, God. Really. But really?!
I called Rene to pre cert. The thought was, if it isn't covered then we won't go. Period. My tubes could be freaking open, people. I don't want to pay a surgery on my own dime to find this out!!!! On the flip side, they could be closed. And a little catheter through and they could be open. A little procedure. With a big price tag. A $20,000 hospital only self pay price tag, not including any of the doc bills (Hilgers, radiology, and anesthesiology) per Rene. Insert more bad news. First of all, BCBS will say they never pay SHSG. But the good news, they always do in the context of a lap. But the bad news, I am not having a lap. More bad news, there is no one that she knows that has done it this way so nothing to go on. And while precert isn't necessary, she would do it. But it's no guarantee. And they will say no, because they always say no to SHSG. Despite the fact they say they will cover dx of but not tx of infertility. To check the tubes, in my book, is to dx. To unblock is to treat. Heck, I would pay the $900 to unblock them if they were blocked if the $20k hospital bill was tied to the dx and not the tx. She guessed it was a 50/50 chance. She will talk to her supervisor, but that's what she is thinking. That, my friends, is not a risk I am willing to take. On tubes that may be already blocked. Oh, Erin, I hope you are right!
So, I have heard a lot of discussion on the yahoo health board about when to say when with ttc. And while I am sure it is different for everyone, I can tell you my journey, I have had enormous peace come over me in the last 18 months and time to absorb the fact that I may not have another child. There are moments of sadness, but it didn't have to come all at once. It was an adjustment over time. I am extremely grateful for my boys. I would love another child. But I have peace. I do not feel desperate. I do not ever want to make ttc my life or my God. Despite all we've done, it hasn't bothered me. Everyone is different on how much is too much. For me, what has bothered me is the losses. The four babies I can not hold. That will never snuggle into me and let me sniff them or squeeze me tight when they are scared. The hair I can't brush out of their eyes. Their cries I can't comfort. In a therapy session, I drew a line I didn't know I had until it came out. One more loss and I am done. Dh agreed. Dr. Toth confirmed, said completely independently. In that office we came up with another line we'd draw. If the tubes were blocked, as in tubal reconstruction blocked, we were done. Here we are. Facing potentially $20k in surgery. We are done. Unless God swings the door wide open, we will try with what we have. Tubes blocked or unblocked, we don't know. But we will not pursue further expensive treatments. We will take these next three cycles to try. The tubes may very well be open after inflammation goes down, but they may be shut in a minor way or a big way. And we are going to let it go. We will not have turned over every possible leaf. That's okay. I know in my heart it is not for us to spend this money. It won't be good on my marriage. I don't feel responsible spending it. God has a plan for us. It may be our two boys. It may be future adopted children. I have no idea. But I trust in His plan. It really wasn't a hard decision to make. It made sense to both of us and we are at peace. It wasn't even a hard decision. We just stepped outside of the situation and thought spending that money is nuts. For us, its nuts. Sometimes when you are too close to the situation, you come up with all sorts of what ifs and how our circumstances make this special. For us, stepping outside made it clearer. We have not drawn a line yet, but in the future we may have to decide again when to stop actively ttc with clomid. We know 3 cyles was enough for each of our other pregnancies, but perhaps we will need 6 to let go. I don't know. And it will be hard if we don't conceive. But despite hard times, there can still be peace in our decision. I sure know that from experience that day in the airport. I am excited about what lies ahead. If God writes our story, it will continue to be incredible.
3.07.2013
Thank You and Small Update
You guys are awesome. I loved the comments last time. They made me smile. And fortitude, misfit? I think you have the wrong gal, but thank you anyway! :)
I do have a silent prayer request if you all don't mind. I know you guys are rock star prayer warriors, and I am so grateful to have you in my life.
2.12.2013
Update, Why I Think We are Here Again, and Request for Your Thoughts
Not much to say here. They had me keep my Mon ultrasound and appt. The ultrasound showed the baby was smaller and the heart had stopped beating. I focused on my two miracles in the room and got through it (my mom was my childcare, but my kids have colds and junky coughs. Since my dad has surgery on the 20th-finally for his back!-they can't get sick for fear it will delay surgery so no childcare...). The appt was uneventful. Dr. S said he typically has an opinion on D&C if you are past 10 weeks (pro), but it was really my call at this stage. There are pros and cons I discussed last time. It seems unnecessary, but kind of a like a luxury in a way, to be able to know and control things. I am trying to hold out, and just tell myself if the waiting goes on too long then I can have surgery at any time. He said he can do it a day or two from when I call, so no rush. We haven't made any definitive decision. I feel like if I can wait, that will be best. I think surgery of any kind only aggravates infection and that it would be good if I had an IV of antibiotics running for any future surgeries. That is something I want to get the recommendation on for Dr. Toth and share with Dr. Hilgers. I imagine an email to Toth (he doesn't know what is going on yet) and a conference call with Dr. Hilgers is in my future, thought I am not in any rush at this point.
An email from Simone, so sweet, prompted an idea for the remainder of this post. She had some thoughts about what had may have lead to this miscarriage (factor V). I so appreciate her time and thought on this. The more eyes and heads around it, the better! We are all experts in this from experience and necessity, so I want to propose my thoughts (as I know its hard to remember all the little details) and then I am open to anyone's feedback about what might help or what might have gone wrong. No hurry, we aren't moving forward on anything for awhile, but it might help you all to have a recap and my thoughts.
Dr. Hilgers dx all our issues immediately. Before marriage. However, back then Dr. H didn't know as much about infection. I have a mycoplasma called ureaplasma urealycticum. Also my dh has been dx with Chlamydia prior to our marriage with repeated symptoms and treatment during our marriage. Both bacteria we know are insidious and the most we can do is try to keep it under control. The two weeks of doxy abx scripted initially were inadequate. We conceived our first two babies on TEBB cycles not knowing that was our clear sign the infection was still active. After that Dr. H knew more. We did 21 days biaxin and ten days cyclically on ttc cycles. We conceived on the third cycle as all other issues were managed. We did a 10 day clindamyacin IV. We abstained the whole pregnancy. We did another IV at delivery. We had our Charlie. We did an exact repeat with AJ the second I got my cycles back post nursing, after we got meds on board and confirmed good levels. That time we went straight into cyclical Biaxin with no 21 days first and I got preg first cycle. Also we did some orals every 8 weeks BTW first and last IV. All was well. When nursing was done with AJ and cycles returned (about 13 mos) they added meds in slower. I had more cycles and time to realize endo pain was back. I had surgery in June in Omaha. Dr. H found lots of inflammation, some endo, and blocked tubes he was able to clear. Whew! He had us stay on clomid that cycle, prob to get a level that month, but we were to avoid and didn't take our Biaxin. Additionally, I had TEBB which I hadn't had since 2nd miscarriage, but Dr. H said common with surgery. Honestly surgery can really flare up and spread infection. Anyway, I was lax taking aspirin and even missed thyroid, as well as lazy out of practice charting. Imagine my concern when we got preg. Here we knew what worked but hadn't done it. Plus body still healing. We did IV but still had a loss, post heartbeat (which was late and low). This cycle we conceived we were actively trying. We were on all our meds. But, and I think this is huge, on my Biaxin the TEBB returned pre peak. Dr. H changed me to cipro for 2 weeks. Dh too. So we took it through ovulation and past to finish dose (this was safer to do) and were told we could still ttc that cycle. I had some reservations because we wouldn't be seeing another cycle to see if TEBB was cleared. But when the doc dismissed them I didn't dwell on it. We ttc and were successful on the first cycle. The initial numbers were low. The growth of hcg numbers slowed. The ultrasound showed baby behind my dates. Heartbeat came late. These are my infection signs. Without abx it would have been a faster loss. And so, given all of this, I am fairly confident we have our culprit. The infection, aggravated by surgery, also is now not as responsive to Biaxin. Maybe 21 days and then cyclically would have been better. Maybe cipro didn't work and we would have seen TEBB the next cycle? Or maybe we needed all 14 days in prior to ovulation. Every baby lost was lost on a TEBB cycle. We will take this very seriously, even more than before, and be grateful we have a clear sign. We may be off to NY to do full tx with Dr. Toth. I am not sure. I know a conference call with Dr. H is in our future. And prob the anti inflammation diet as I am big eater of carbs and sugar and we saw all that surgery inflammation. We also have a ticking clock with tubes reblocking. Lots to think about. I hope this helps give you the big picture all in one place. But as I said, I appreciate everyone's time and thought and experience. I am happy for your input and welcome any thoughts on my logic here. I think the more heads we get around this the better.
An email from Simone, so sweet, prompted an idea for the remainder of this post. She had some thoughts about what had may have lead to this miscarriage (factor V). I so appreciate her time and thought on this. The more eyes and heads around it, the better! We are all experts in this from experience and necessity, so I want to propose my thoughts (as I know its hard to remember all the little details) and then I am open to anyone's feedback about what might help or what might have gone wrong. No hurry, we aren't moving forward on anything for awhile, but it might help you all to have a recap and my thoughts.
Dr. Hilgers dx all our issues immediately. Before marriage. However, back then Dr. H didn't know as much about infection. I have a mycoplasma called ureaplasma urealycticum. Also my dh has been dx with Chlamydia prior to our marriage with repeated symptoms and treatment during our marriage. Both bacteria we know are insidious and the most we can do is try to keep it under control. The two weeks of doxy abx scripted initially were inadequate. We conceived our first two babies on TEBB cycles not knowing that was our clear sign the infection was still active. After that Dr. H knew more. We did 21 days biaxin and ten days cyclically on ttc cycles. We conceived on the third cycle as all other issues were managed. We did a 10 day clindamyacin IV. We abstained the whole pregnancy. We did another IV at delivery. We had our Charlie. We did an exact repeat with AJ the second I got my cycles back post nursing, after we got meds on board and confirmed good levels. That time we went straight into cyclical Biaxin with no 21 days first and I got preg first cycle. Also we did some orals every 8 weeks BTW first and last IV. All was well. When nursing was done with AJ and cycles returned (about 13 mos) they added meds in slower. I had more cycles and time to realize endo pain was back. I had surgery in June in Omaha. Dr. H found lots of inflammation, some endo, and blocked tubes he was able to clear. Whew! He had us stay on clomid that cycle, prob to get a level that month, but we were to avoid and didn't take our Biaxin. Additionally, I had TEBB which I hadn't had since 2nd miscarriage, but Dr. H said common with surgery. Honestly surgery can really flare up and spread infection. Anyway, I was lax taking aspirin and even missed thyroid, as well as lazy out of practice charting. Imagine my concern when we got preg. Here we knew what worked but hadn't done it. Plus body still healing. We did IV but still had a loss, post heartbeat (which was late and low). This cycle we conceived we were actively trying. We were on all our meds. But, and I think this is huge, on my Biaxin the TEBB returned pre peak. Dr. H changed me to cipro for 2 weeks. Dh too. So we took it through ovulation and past to finish dose (this was safer to do) and were told we could still ttc that cycle. I had some reservations because we wouldn't be seeing another cycle to see if TEBB was cleared. But when the doc dismissed them I didn't dwell on it. We ttc and were successful on the first cycle. The initial numbers were low. The growth of hcg numbers slowed. The ultrasound showed baby behind my dates. Heartbeat came late. These are my infection signs. Without abx it would have been a faster loss. And so, given all of this, I am fairly confident we have our culprit. The infection, aggravated by surgery, also is now not as responsive to Biaxin. Maybe 21 days and then cyclically would have been better. Maybe cipro didn't work and we would have seen TEBB the next cycle? Or maybe we needed all 14 days in prior to ovulation. Every baby lost was lost on a TEBB cycle. We will take this very seriously, even more than before, and be grateful we have a clear sign. We may be off to NY to do full tx with Dr. Toth. I am not sure. I know a conference call with Dr. H is in our future. And prob the anti inflammation diet as I am big eater of carbs and sugar and we saw all that surgery inflammation. We also have a ticking clock with tubes reblocking. Lots to think about. I hope this helps give you the big picture all in one place. But as I said, I appreciate everyone's time and thought and experience. I am happy for your input and welcome any thoughts on my logic here. I think the more heads we get around this the better.
2.08.2013
Journeying Together and Ultrasound Results
Thursday, as I was praying, I thought to google the Litany of the Saints on my phone and play it on youtube since I didn't have my ipod with me. So glad I did. I love this! These tools really help me because, I have mentioned, sometimes I have difficulty praying. It was nice to be able to call on all the saints.
Then I thought to google another one of my favorite songs, a version of the Servant Song (maybe not the one you are thinking of). The simplicity has always drawn me to it. I really found new meaning in this and really feel like our beautiful blogger community are described in this song. I am so grateful for each of you holding your hand out to me, holding Christ's light for me, and especially for weeping when I am weeping. Let's continue to share each other's joy and sorrow and be Christ to each other. It's so much better to be on this journey together!
And yet another example of how not alone I am-This email came from the PPVI nurse Teresa: "We will continue to pray for this pregnancy and for your family. One of my favorite Saints is St. Gianna Berreta Molla, I will pray for her intercession for your baby and you may want to pray to her also, as she was a mother married with 4 children and a great woman." My reply: "And a doctor! I got my PhD two yrs ago. By that time I had 2 in heaven, 2 babies on earth. We actually named our July loss Gianna when we learned she was a girl, post D&C. We are also praying for the intercession of Fulton Sheen." Teresa: "Awesome...you hit my two favorite Saints...my seventh child born on Oct 27th, is named Fulton Patrick ...after Fulton J. Sheen. His intellect and writings and sprituality are amazing as I am sure you know. I will pray to him for you also. My baby had it's cord wrapped around the neck 3 times for most of the pregnancy and St. Gianna and Fulton Sheen were my intercessors too!" God bless her!
God is so good to put you all in my life and I am grateful for you!
I thought that was the end of my post, set to publish Saturday morning. However, I had some tiny bleeding again last night and then nothing today (Friday). I made the decision to request an ultrasound this afternoon, rather than to wait until Monday. I wanted to know what was going on headed into the weekend. I knew the baby's heartbeat had time to rise...or not. My doctor's office is so kind as to grant these types of requests. And so, at 3pm, with two beautiful miracles in tow, I was rescanned. The news was not good. Nicholas' heartbeat is fading, barely discernible at about 65bpm. She took two growth measurements. One showed no growth. One showed one day's growth since Monday. Not good. I got through the appt without tears surprisingly and then went on to get a progesterone draw. Somewhat numb, I suppose, and the rest just focusing on my little Anthony's face which I could barely see between the tech and I. He was delighted and innocent, and oh so precious. My miracles. So this weekend I resolve to take care of myself, bring them onto my lap to smell and hold them close, appreciate the small moments, and draw closer to my husband in our grief. This is what came to me pretty quickly after I received the news, so I will leave you with this.
I thought that was the end of my post, set to publish Saturday morning. However, I had some tiny bleeding again last night and then nothing today (Friday). I made the decision to request an ultrasound this afternoon, rather than to wait until Monday. I wanted to know what was going on headed into the weekend. I knew the baby's heartbeat had time to rise...or not. My doctor's office is so kind as to grant these types of requests. And so, at 3pm, with two beautiful miracles in tow, I was rescanned. The news was not good. Nicholas' heartbeat is fading, barely discernible at about 65bpm. She took two growth measurements. One showed no growth. One showed one day's growth since Monday. Not good. I got through the appt without tears surprisingly and then went on to get a progesterone draw. Somewhat numb, I suppose, and the rest just focusing on my little Anthony's face which I could barely see between the tech and I. He was delighted and innocent, and oh so precious. My miracles. So this weekend I resolve to take care of myself, bring them onto my lap to smell and hold them close, appreciate the small moments, and draw closer to my husband in our grief. This is what came to me pretty quickly after I received the news, so I will leave you with this.
God has not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives thro’;
God has not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives thro’;
God has not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.
God has not promised
We shall not know
Toil and temptation,
Trouble and woe;
He has not told us
We shall not bear
Many a burden,
Many a care.
We shall not know
Toil and temptation,
Trouble and woe;
He has not told us
We shall not bear
Many a burden,
Many a care.
But God has promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love.
Strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love.
Annie Johnson Flint
1.25.2013
Crushed in Spirit (or From Success to Failure Overnight)
Lots of thoughts are running through my head right now. Since this is an IF blog, I figure its a decent place to record them. No need to comment. I know which ones are silly, unfounded, or downright insane. I see dumbledore pulling thoughts out of his head with the wand and putting them in the pool of water. Maybe if I dispose of them here...poof. Gone. Lol. But first a little background...
On Thursday, my sitter (also a wonderful friend and AJ's godmom) asked me "so, do you just not think about it so you can keep going about your day and get done what you need to?" or something to that effect. Yes, she was exactly right. Thinking about it wouldn't help anything. Only time would tell. I told her I didn't think God wanted me to be anxious and that worrying wouldn't speed up time. Plus I am fortunate as worrying isn't really a big part of my nature (a huge blessing). So I went about my day. I didn't really cry. Things were still up in the air. I pretty much new. But it wasn't confirmed. So I kind of felt bad to mourn. I don't know.
Today was confirmation. I thought somehow I could continue on like before, but things have changed. And I think I new that. I wasted a lot of today. I sat in the parking lot of the hospital with my phone a good thirty minutes before I walked in. I almost called someone to talk me into walking in the door. But I finally made it happen. I went and saw my mom after. She asked a few questions. For once in my life I gave short answers, brushed her off, and said I didn't want to talk about it. After all, at that time I was waiting for the results. I didn't want to talk until I knew something.
I got the results in the Target parking lot. I cried. I spent awhile in my car before I went in. I looked like a train wreck. Smeared make up from the day before-and that was before the tears. What I don't like about today is the fact that the tears are really sneaking up on me, spilling out when I least expect it. When I am not particularly thinking about it. Like at the dinner table when I sped quickly upstairs so my boys didn't see them.
Lots of thoughts are going through my head that I would rather not be there. Things that aren't particularly helpful and I know that. Things like I went from a Napro success to a failure overnight. I do not want to give our NFP talk at the intro sessions we typically do about quarterly. We've had two miscarriages since our last talk. Those are edits I don't want to make. I like being a mentor, helping people through IF. Navigate what I have been through and learned from. I don't feel I have anything to share right now that would help. Two losses. Two babies born. Two more losses. If there were not our boys in between what a different story it would be. But we have our boys. Thank God we have our boys. Four losses. Four babies gone. But one isn't gone. He is still hear. Just dying. Dying inside me. God help me and my wreck of a body. Am I done? Is AJ my last baby here on earth? I never thought he would be. I wasn't prepared for that. I shouldn't assume. And yet I did. The boys were going to share a room. Another baby was supposed to be in that nursery. That f***ing nursery. I can't stand the thought of it empty. AJ is potty training. Talking up a storm. He is hardly my baby. He is the size of a three yr old. Growing up so fast. Preschool in the fall, maybe even this summer. Then no more babies with my sitter friend. She has had one of my kids since Charlie was three months old. She will have to move on to other work, I imagine. I would never have felt comfortable working if my kids hadn't been able to go to her. Will there ever be another baby? Will my body ever be healed? Would treatment equal healing in other areas too and therefore be worthy? Or would it be money that could be better spent on adoption? Four losses. That's more than any mother's heart can take. So many losses. Shouldn't I be insane by now? Maybe I am and don't know it. There is still time, I am sure. A funeral mass. I think we need it. I am not ready to bring the idea up to dh yet. Tuesday. Tuesday I will see the doctor. Tuesday or that week I will have a scan. We will have next steps. Someone from Dr. Hilger's office will call when they get the results. They always say the right things. Tomorrow the IV comes out. The ladies at that infusion company know of every success and every loss I have had. They celebrate and they cry with me. I can't imagine getting through the IV coming out without sobbing. Whole body shaking sobs. Another failure. I will have to have dh take the boys somewhere. I don't mind them knowing I am sad or seeing me cry, but I don't want to scare them. And Charlie will be full of questions. I think I have already said too much about his siblings in heaven. I originally wanted it to be a fact he always knew so it was not a surprise one day. He seems okay with it and then he does or says something and I think I've made a mistake telling him and it's too much for his sweet sensitive soul to take. I can't add another to that. Dh. Has told no one. Does not have the support system I have. Not to mention guys don't particularly talk about these kinds of things. He didn't tell his mom we were pregnant. She is the one he is closest too. I encouraged him tonight to tell her. Can you imagine talking to no one. His work is super busy this time of year. He has a cold. He goes from work to bed right now. No social contact really. So he isn't exactly going to pick up the phone and say, "hey, we had another one." So pray for him please. All he has is me. Speaking of telling others, I am beginning to think about what others think. I don't normally. But at least twice this year friends told me they aren't having more because they are grateful for what they have. I took offense. Do they think I am not grateful for what I have just because I want more? Are they judging me, I wondered? Well if they weren't before, they are now. Why isn't she just grateful for what she has? And now, even worse, people might think they know our situation. They might think I am desperate for a baby at all cost, even to keep conceiving over and over again, knowing there is a good chance of loss. Selfish is what they will think. Absolutely selfish. Why is she doing that to herself? To others? I picture them feeling sorry for me, for my husband. For being so desperate and not being grateful for what I have. Thinking we are irresponsible for conceiving life. People know. People I love know about this baby. This loss doesn't just hurt dh and I. It hurts our parents immensely. It hurts our siblings, especially my sister that has been through so much already. But I do not regret telling them. They want to know. To share in the joy and the pain. But it does make my pain deeper, knowing this hurts them too. And it is not lost on me that while my baby is losing its battle with life, others are celebrating forty years of murder in the womb. No, it isn't fair.
Thankfully these thoughts don't run 24/7. I don't work that way. I can shut them off. Distract. Go about life. I do manage to function between these thoughts. But they are sneaking up on me. As are the tears. It is going to be really hard to be around people the next few weeks, not knowing when all of this is going to rise up within me. I hope people can be patient with me during this time, I am going to need it!
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).
Stolen from Star of Hope
On Thursday, my sitter (also a wonderful friend and AJ's godmom) asked me "so, do you just not think about it so you can keep going about your day and get done what you need to?" or something to that effect. Yes, she was exactly right. Thinking about it wouldn't help anything. Only time would tell. I told her I didn't think God wanted me to be anxious and that worrying wouldn't speed up time. Plus I am fortunate as worrying isn't really a big part of my nature (a huge blessing). So I went about my day. I didn't really cry. Things were still up in the air. I pretty much new. But it wasn't confirmed. So I kind of felt bad to mourn. I don't know.
Today was confirmation. I thought somehow I could continue on like before, but things have changed. And I think I new that. I wasted a lot of today. I sat in the parking lot of the hospital with my phone a good thirty minutes before I walked in. I almost called someone to talk me into walking in the door. But I finally made it happen. I went and saw my mom after. She asked a few questions. For once in my life I gave short answers, brushed her off, and said I didn't want to talk about it. After all, at that time I was waiting for the results. I didn't want to talk until I knew something.
I got the results in the Target parking lot. I cried. I spent awhile in my car before I went in. I looked like a train wreck. Smeared make up from the day before-and that was before the tears. What I don't like about today is the fact that the tears are really sneaking up on me, spilling out when I least expect it. When I am not particularly thinking about it. Like at the dinner table when I sped quickly upstairs so my boys didn't see them.
Lots of thoughts are going through my head that I would rather not be there. Things that aren't particularly helpful and I know that. Things like I went from a Napro success to a failure overnight. I do not want to give our NFP talk at the intro sessions we typically do about quarterly. We've had two miscarriages since our last talk. Those are edits I don't want to make. I like being a mentor, helping people through IF. Navigate what I have been through and learned from. I don't feel I have anything to share right now that would help. Two losses. Two babies born. Two more losses. If there were not our boys in between what a different story it would be. But we have our boys. Thank God we have our boys. Four losses. Four babies gone. But one isn't gone. He is still hear. Just dying. Dying inside me. God help me and my wreck of a body. Am I done? Is AJ my last baby here on earth? I never thought he would be. I wasn't prepared for that. I shouldn't assume. And yet I did. The boys were going to share a room. Another baby was supposed to be in that nursery. That f***ing nursery. I can't stand the thought of it empty. AJ is potty training. Talking up a storm. He is hardly my baby. He is the size of a three yr old. Growing up so fast. Preschool in the fall, maybe even this summer. Then no more babies with my sitter friend. She has had one of my kids since Charlie was three months old. She will have to move on to other work, I imagine. I would never have felt comfortable working if my kids hadn't been able to go to her. Will there ever be another baby? Will my body ever be healed? Would treatment equal healing in other areas too and therefore be worthy? Or would it be money that could be better spent on adoption? Four losses. That's more than any mother's heart can take. So many losses. Shouldn't I be insane by now? Maybe I am and don't know it. There is still time, I am sure. A funeral mass. I think we need it. I am not ready to bring the idea up to dh yet. Tuesday. Tuesday I will see the doctor. Tuesday or that week I will have a scan. We will have next steps. Someone from Dr. Hilger's office will call when they get the results. They always say the right things. Tomorrow the IV comes out. The ladies at that infusion company know of every success and every loss I have had. They celebrate and they cry with me. I can't imagine getting through the IV coming out without sobbing. Whole body shaking sobs. Another failure. I will have to have dh take the boys somewhere. I don't mind them knowing I am sad or seeing me cry, but I don't want to scare them. And Charlie will be full of questions. I think I have already said too much about his siblings in heaven. I originally wanted it to be a fact he always knew so it was not a surprise one day. He seems okay with it and then he does or says something and I think I've made a mistake telling him and it's too much for his sweet sensitive soul to take. I can't add another to that. Dh. Has told no one. Does not have the support system I have. Not to mention guys don't particularly talk about these kinds of things. He didn't tell his mom we were pregnant. She is the one he is closest too. I encouraged him tonight to tell her. Can you imagine talking to no one. His work is super busy this time of year. He has a cold. He goes from work to bed right now. No social contact really. So he isn't exactly going to pick up the phone and say, "hey, we had another one." So pray for him please. All he has is me. Speaking of telling others, I am beginning to think about what others think. I don't normally. But at least twice this year friends told me they aren't having more because they are grateful for what they have. I took offense. Do they think I am not grateful for what I have just because I want more? Are they judging me, I wondered? Well if they weren't before, they are now. Why isn't she just grateful for what she has? And now, even worse, people might think they know our situation. They might think I am desperate for a baby at all cost, even to keep conceiving over and over again, knowing there is a good chance of loss. Selfish is what they will think. Absolutely selfish. Why is she doing that to herself? To others? I picture them feeling sorry for me, for my husband. For being so desperate and not being grateful for what I have. Thinking we are irresponsible for conceiving life. People know. People I love know about this baby. This loss doesn't just hurt dh and I. It hurts our parents immensely. It hurts our siblings, especially my sister that has been through so much already. But I do not regret telling them. They want to know. To share in the joy and the pain. But it does make my pain deeper, knowing this hurts them too. And it is not lost on me that while my baby is losing its battle with life, others are celebrating forty years of murder in the womb. No, it isn't fair.
Thankfully these thoughts don't run 24/7. I don't work that way. I can shut them off. Distract. Go about life. I do manage to function between these thoughts. But they are sneaking up on me. As are the tears. It is going to be really hard to be around people the next few weeks, not knowing when all of this is going to rise up within me. I hope people can be patient with me during this time, I am going to need it!
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).
Stolen from Star of Hope
8.21.2012
Serenity
Thanks for waiting patiently while I got to a computer to record the events of Monday. It was a long wait, even from Thursday to Monday (since I moved up the last ultrasound), but thankfully dh was off Fri and Monday and he was a good distraction. The weather cooled off here and we were able to take the kids to the zoo Fri. Saturday we took a 24 hr local mini vacation and my mom watched the kids so we could celebrate our 6 year anniversary. We enjoyed the time away. Come Monday I was feeling good and think I overestimated my strength! I went to the appointment alone so dh could stay with the kids and then headed straight from there to work (I occasionally work Monday evenings).
At the appointment, the nervousness set in. The nurse was so nice to me and even popped back in and asked if I was okay, saying I looked worried. I was :( I couldn't help it, I told her everything about Dr. Toth and she was very supportive and sympathetic. Another nice thing was that my local ob/gyn knew that if he scanned me, he wouldn't be able to answer any specific questions (heartrate, etc) so he asked the ultrasound tech to scan me with her higher level equipment and expertise. She doesn't normally scan me (they send me out) because she doesn't take my insurance (odd, the doc does and it is very common insurance) but she did it today as a favor (again-she did it the first time-then Thursday I went to the other place they refer to).
Basically the heartbeat was obviously weaker just from a visual. It was like, beat. Pause. Beat. So sad! It took her awhile to get a read and it was 69. She didn't record the size of the baby. Again, no printed pictures of my sweet one. It is just so different when they know you are losing it. I never remember to ask for a pic either :(
They gave their apologies and did everything they could. My doc said to come back next Monday, but to come in sooner at all if I was anxious and just wanted to know. The ultrasound tech said she would scan me again whenever, free of charge. It is so nice to be scanned there where they know what is up, rather than to go out and retell the story to another stranger. It's the little things.
So that is that. I called Dr. Hilger's office and let them know. My progesterone from last Tuesday came back an 8, reminding me that sometimes prog is merely a symptom and not a cause. We could throw all the prog in the world at this baby and we couldn't save it. :( They said I could get another level sooner if I wanted, and we are repeating the CRP level.
Dh and I named our baby last night. Little Gianna. We always felt it was a girl, and it feels good to give her such a beautiful and meaningful name.
I think we've accepted the loss will occur, though we know that God can and does perform miracles. We know if this baby turned around it would be just that-a miracle. The unsettling now comes from the when and the where. It is different this time, dealing with a loss while caring for two children...a new experience for me. But work and school and life go on. And so this is a new form of suffering I wasn't counting on to offer up for those still waiting.
I will leave you with the serenity prayer. A dear friend who knows all too well about having to let go of what we can not control sent me a beautiful card with the full version. Cards like this are treasures to me, as I have very little to remember this baby by and this will go into a box of her things. I am so blessed for friends like you all, truly. The prayers and kind words get me through. Thank you all so much!
The original, attributed to Niebuhr, is:
At the appointment, the nervousness set in. The nurse was so nice to me and even popped back in and asked if I was okay, saying I looked worried. I was :( I couldn't help it, I told her everything about Dr. Toth and she was very supportive and sympathetic. Another nice thing was that my local ob/gyn knew that if he scanned me, he wouldn't be able to answer any specific questions (heartrate, etc) so he asked the ultrasound tech to scan me with her higher level equipment and expertise. She doesn't normally scan me (they send me out) because she doesn't take my insurance (odd, the doc does and it is very common insurance) but she did it today as a favor (again-she did it the first time-then Thursday I went to the other place they refer to).
Basically the heartbeat was obviously weaker just from a visual. It was like, beat. Pause. Beat. So sad! It took her awhile to get a read and it was 69. She didn't record the size of the baby. Again, no printed pictures of my sweet one. It is just so different when they know you are losing it. I never remember to ask for a pic either :(
They gave their apologies and did everything they could. My doc said to come back next Monday, but to come in sooner at all if I was anxious and just wanted to know. The ultrasound tech said she would scan me again whenever, free of charge. It is so nice to be scanned there where they know what is up, rather than to go out and retell the story to another stranger. It's the little things.
So that is that. I called Dr. Hilger's office and let them know. My progesterone from last Tuesday came back an 8, reminding me that sometimes prog is merely a symptom and not a cause. We could throw all the prog in the world at this baby and we couldn't save it. :( They said I could get another level sooner if I wanted, and we are repeating the CRP level.
Dh and I named our baby last night. Little Gianna. We always felt it was a girl, and it feels good to give her such a beautiful and meaningful name.
I think we've accepted the loss will occur, though we know that God can and does perform miracles. We know if this baby turned around it would be just that-a miracle. The unsettling now comes from the when and the where. It is different this time, dealing with a loss while caring for two children...a new experience for me. But work and school and life go on. And so this is a new form of suffering I wasn't counting on to offer up for those still waiting.
I will leave you with the serenity prayer. A dear friend who knows all too well about having to let go of what we can not control sent me a beautiful card with the full version. Cards like this are treasures to me, as I have very little to remember this baby by and this will go into a box of her things. I am so blessed for friends like you all, truly. The prayers and kind words get me through. Thank you all so much!
The original, attributed to Niebuhr, is:
-
- God, give us grace to accept with serenity
- the things that cannot be changed,
- Courage to change the things
- which should be changed,
- and the Wisdom to distinguish
- the one from the other.
-
- Living one day at a time,
- Enjoying one moment at a time,
- Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
- Taking, as Jesus did,
- This sinful world as it is,
- Not as I would have it,
- Trusting that You will make all things right,
- If I surrender to Your will,
- So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
- And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
-
- Amen.
12.22.2010
Our Loss at Christmas Time
You all probably do not know this, but my first loss was at Christmas time. We have a Wil.low angel on our Christmas tree in remembrance. In honor of my Michael, and for those of you (most of you, understandably) that haven't had a chance to read from the beginning, here is the story of my first baby, a fighter, my Michael.
http://tool4god-myjourneywithgod.blogspot.com/2008/12/try-try-again.html
http://tool4god-myjourneywithgod.blogspot.com/2008/12/michael.html
*Note I spent some time catching up my blog in the beginning, so this part was never written in real time, hence the incorrect date. Michael was conceived and passed in 2006, the year I was married. Sorry the posts are lengthy, I meticulously recorded every detail at the time and then later transferred it to my blog, so the thoughts are fresh.
http://tool4god-myjourneywithgod.blogspot.com/2008/12/try-try-again.html
http://tool4god-myjourneywithgod.blogspot.com/2008/12/michael.html
*Note I spent some time catching up my blog in the beginning, so this part was never written in real time, hence the incorrect date. Michael was conceived and passed in 2006, the year I was married. Sorry the posts are lengthy, I meticulously recorded every detail at the time and then later transferred it to my blog, so the thoughts are fresh.
3.22.2010
Tragedy and Joy Both Came in Threes
Tonight I am grieving with a friend. I think I mentioned that I am pregnant at the same time as 3 friends. One is from out of town, where IF brought us together because we share the same two doctors; she and I have children that are close in age; due the same day as the first is another friend in town that I know through my husband-they suffered two miscarriages at the same time as us and have a son just a few months older than ours; and a third, our son's godparents who live just down the street. They have 2 children already, including one girl that is Charlie's age. She was the one that was the least far along. I was going to watch her children Friday while she went to have an ultrasound. However, in a cruel twist of fate, she lost the baby over the last few days while she was out of town.
In one fell swoop, her innocence about pregnancy is gone. It has been replaced with fear. Fear to get pregnant again, fear it will happen again, that it will become secondary infertility. The ignorance was bliss. I never wanted her to share the pain, to know what a miscarriage felt like. Of the 4 pregnant, 3 with a history of IF and miscarriage, she is the one that won't get to hear her baby's heartbeat Fri. She, instead, had to experience things she shouldn't have ever known-the fear of losing a pregnancy out of town, away from your doctor, the calls where the doctor on call tries to explain the difference between a normal amount of bleeding and hemorrhaging that would require a visit to the ER. She has to be reminded everytime she wipes and see blood. She has to go in for hcg levels to see the numbers fall instead of rise. She hadn't really ever had to pay attention to hcg levels before. I wish she still didn't.
I can't believe today that I had to send my third "I am sorry you miscarried" card this month. I think I have mentioned before that I am surrounded by those with IF and miscarriage. I wasn't kidding! The three that have lost children this month, I am so sad for them! One was blissfully ignorant and conceived a much desired honeymoon baby. One couple tried and tried and sought help through a local good Catholic doctor and finally conceived only to lose the baby. And now this one. She hadn't really told anyone yet. She would have been 6 weeks today. Consequently she only has a few folks praying for her. I am asking all of you to pray for her, and these 2 other women, that they can heal, that they can hope again and leave fear behind, that they may hold their own beautiful children in their arm sometime soon.
In one fell swoop, her innocence about pregnancy is gone. It has been replaced with fear. Fear to get pregnant again, fear it will happen again, that it will become secondary infertility. The ignorance was bliss. I never wanted her to share the pain, to know what a miscarriage felt like. Of the 4 pregnant, 3 with a history of IF and miscarriage, she is the one that won't get to hear her baby's heartbeat Fri. She, instead, had to experience things she shouldn't have ever known-the fear of losing a pregnancy out of town, away from your doctor, the calls where the doctor on call tries to explain the difference between a normal amount of bleeding and hemorrhaging that would require a visit to the ER. She has to be reminded everytime she wipes and see blood. She has to go in for hcg levels to see the numbers fall instead of rise. She hadn't really ever had to pay attention to hcg levels before. I wish she still didn't.
I can't believe today that I had to send my third "I am sorry you miscarried" card this month. I think I have mentioned before that I am surrounded by those with IF and miscarriage. I wasn't kidding! The three that have lost children this month, I am so sad for them! One was blissfully ignorant and conceived a much desired honeymoon baby. One couple tried and tried and sought help through a local good Catholic doctor and finally conceived only to lose the baby. And now this one. She hadn't really told anyone yet. She would have been 6 weeks today. Consequently she only has a few folks praying for her. I am asking all of you to pray for her, and these 2 other women, that they can heal, that they can hope again and leave fear behind, that they may hold their own beautiful children in their arm sometime soon.
2.19.2010
Talking to Friends about IF and Miscarriage
I know that everyone has a different way of dealing with this topic, so this is just my two cents about what worked for me (and what didn't).
I have an unusual circumstance (I think) in that I am literally surrounded by people with IF. Starting with my family, my mom lost a baby after me, in the 5th month. And both of my married sisters have had more than one miscarriage, including an ectopic pregnancy. (Yes, this family history plays a role in my IF-infection). From their experiences, I formed my own opinion on how to handle pregnancy and miscarriage. For example, when I got pregnant, I knew there would be a good chance of miscarriage. However, I still chose to tell people. My decision rule was this: I would tell anyone that I was expecting that I would also tell if I was miscarrying. That way I would have the support I needed should something happened. Dh agreed on this rule. We told our parents, our siblings, and our best friends. One thing I didn't anticipate up front is how many people I would want to tell if/when I miscarried. I think that is because I am a very open person. I am blessed with many friends that put up with me! As I mentioned before, many of them have their own IF struggles. I have friends from my high school group (even though mostly single, have things they know will cause them at least some difficulty conceiving-a didelphic uterus, pcos, family history), friends from college (many still without children, but one that tried for years to get pregnant), a great group from church (many many have experienced losses, also secondary infertility, one ttc for many years before chosing to stop for many reasons), even elementary school BFF and the secretary at my work! I continue to be blessed to meet others through friends IRL or online. I really feel blessed for this amazing network of women! It seems nuts as I list them here-I guess God knew I just wasn't strong enough to go through it without them all!
When I didn't tell the friends from high school or the college group about the first miscarriage, I felt like I was hiding something. I would want to know if they were hurting. Our miscarriage was very traumatizing for me (aren't they all?!). It was surrounded by a roller coaster of emotions, one reason being because we had a heart beat and then lost the pregnancy. (For new readers, click here-the post is called Michael). I was gearing up to tell my friends about the loss, when we got pregnant again. I remember having this crazy mix of emotions. For the second pregnancy (click here or the post called Gabby), the hcg didn't double properly from the beginning and loss was imminent. I lost her before I had told friends about the first one. At that point, I knew I had to tell them, and quickly. It was a huge part of who I was. I wanted to "come clean" with everyone, but not in a way that would make them feel awkward. I had been writing down the details of what had happened. It was therapeutic. It was also recording the story that is our life. It wasn't just facts, it was emotions. I ended up attaching these "chapters" to an email. I said something to the effect, that we were struggling, having had two losses. It didn't feel right to not share this with them, as I would want to know if the roles were reversed. I have written in length about the details if they were interested. It avoided an awful conversation I wasn't really ready for, but I got it out. I bounced the idea off my BFF first. She was very supportive. I am glad I did it. Those "chapters" later became those posts on my blog. The friends are an amazing source of support, but it doesn't define our friendship.
As I continued to share with others, how and when I felt it appropriate and comfortable (and trying to be considerate of dh who is more private than I am), I learned of more and more people struggling themselves. That helped build my community of support. I honestly don't know if there is anyone I interact with that doesn't know this about me! It is just part of me, it doesn't come out in a way that makes them feel awkward, just as it comes up and stated as fact. I often learn they have had similar problems (hello-almost everyone who has drawn my blood!) and it is a way to share what has worked for me and let people know they are not alone.
During this time, I became on a mission to make sure that miscarriage or IF wasn't a dirty secret that people don't feel they can reveal. There is no stigma. It isn't our fault. If people want to keep it private, that is their choice. I totally respect that. Different things work for different people. But talking about it, having that support, is therapeutic. And even better, we may even be able to share information or learn about treatments that can help! Just my two cents on how I have worked through a difficult topic.
I have an unusual circumstance (I think) in that I am literally surrounded by people with IF. Starting with my family, my mom lost a baby after me, in the 5th month. And both of my married sisters have had more than one miscarriage, including an ectopic pregnancy. (Yes, this family history plays a role in my IF-infection). From their experiences, I formed my own opinion on how to handle pregnancy and miscarriage. For example, when I got pregnant, I knew there would be a good chance of miscarriage. However, I still chose to tell people. My decision rule was this: I would tell anyone that I was expecting that I would also tell if I was miscarrying. That way I would have the support I needed should something happened. Dh agreed on this rule. We told our parents, our siblings, and our best friends. One thing I didn't anticipate up front is how many people I would want to tell if/when I miscarried. I think that is because I am a very open person. I am blessed with many friends that put up with me! As I mentioned before, many of them have their own IF struggles. I have friends from my high school group (even though mostly single, have things they know will cause them at least some difficulty conceiving-a didelphic uterus, pcos, family history), friends from college (many still without children, but one that tried for years to get pregnant), a great group from church (many many have experienced losses, also secondary infertility, one ttc for many years before chosing to stop for many reasons), even elementary school BFF and the secretary at my work! I continue to be blessed to meet others through friends IRL or online. I really feel blessed for this amazing network of women! It seems nuts as I list them here-I guess God knew I just wasn't strong enough to go through it without them all!
When I didn't tell the friends from high school or the college group about the first miscarriage, I felt like I was hiding something. I would want to know if they were hurting. Our miscarriage was very traumatizing for me (aren't they all?!). It was surrounded by a roller coaster of emotions, one reason being because we had a heart beat and then lost the pregnancy. (For new readers, click here-the post is called Michael). I was gearing up to tell my friends about the loss, when we got pregnant again. I remember having this crazy mix of emotions. For the second pregnancy (click here or the post called Gabby), the hcg didn't double properly from the beginning and loss was imminent. I lost her before I had told friends about the first one. At that point, I knew I had to tell them, and quickly. It was a huge part of who I was. I wanted to "come clean" with everyone, but not in a way that would make them feel awkward. I had been writing down the details of what had happened. It was therapeutic. It was also recording the story that is our life. It wasn't just facts, it was emotions. I ended up attaching these "chapters" to an email. I said something to the effect, that we were struggling, having had two losses. It didn't feel right to not share this with them, as I would want to know if the roles were reversed. I have written in length about the details if they were interested. It avoided an awful conversation I wasn't really ready for, but I got it out. I bounced the idea off my BFF first. She was very supportive. I am glad I did it. Those "chapters" later became those posts on my blog. The friends are an amazing source of support, but it doesn't define our friendship.
As I continued to share with others, how and when I felt it appropriate and comfortable (and trying to be considerate of dh who is more private than I am), I learned of more and more people struggling themselves. That helped build my community of support. I honestly don't know if there is anyone I interact with that doesn't know this about me! It is just part of me, it doesn't come out in a way that makes them feel awkward, just as it comes up and stated as fact. I often learn they have had similar problems (hello-almost everyone who has drawn my blood!) and it is a way to share what has worked for me and let people know they are not alone.
During this time, I became on a mission to make sure that miscarriage or IF wasn't a dirty secret that people don't feel they can reveal. There is no stigma. It isn't our fault. If people want to keep it private, that is their choice. I totally respect that. Different things work for different people. But talking about it, having that support, is therapeutic. And even better, we may even be able to share information or learn about treatments that can help! Just my two cents on how I have worked through a difficult topic.
12.18.2008
Another piece to the puzzle
As much as we didn’t think the first miscarriage was a fluke, we had no choice but to try again. I wasn’t told of anything we could do different. I took comfort in the fact that my local ob/gyn had run a clotting panel on me. It was very thorough, and is usually reserved for those who had 3 miscarriages. How awful to make women wait that long for help, I thought! Not my doctor. He even coded it that I had had multiple miscarriages to get it all paid for, but that was when I had just had one. The clotting panel came back fine, so nothing changed between Michael and Gabby. Before we tried again, I knew we had to do something different. Something before we got pregnant, since you can only do so much during pregnancy (typically progesterone) to try and turn things around once they go south.
Before I even had actually lost Gabby (but we knew we would), I had a phone consultation scheduled with my doctor in Omaha. August 22nd-I clung to that date. The date I would get some answers. I put all my trust in this man as an instrument of God (both a faith filled man who has devoted his life to preserving life based on God’s call, also an internationally known researcher). I had the gammet of emotions on that call. DH and I were both present and hovering over the speaker phone.
Dr. Hilgers first said he was very sorry for our losses. And basically said it shouldn’t have been happening given all the up front testing and treatment. We were devastated-we can’t be stumping the man who has all the answers! He went on to say what he suspected the culprit to be. In April 2006, one of my many diagnosis, actually the last I received was that they had found a bacteria-ureaplasma urealycticum.
I remember thinking as we were driving out of Omaha and received the call, can’t you just let us leave this freakin’ town without following us out with one more diagnosis! You have to be kidding me. But it seemed simple enough at the time. Take two weeks of doxycycline and it should be fine. Easy enough. A one time treatment instead of monthly meds or shots. I can handle this. I asked if DH should also have the treatment and the nurse said it wasn’t typical, but she would check. She said the doctor agreed and we would both take the meds. I remember asking if we could retest, and she said not without another trip to Omaha and another endometrial biopsy (others don’t culture it out as long as necessary). Even then she said we might get a false negative. So take the meds and hope for the best. This antibiotic usually was enough. I learned at home doing research that this bacteria was a fancy name for an STD. I had contracted a(nother) STD. I already was treated for HPV in college. Now this…you would think I had slept with half the planet instead of three men, including my husband.
Now Dr. Hilgers was saying he thought the ureaplasma was back. That the antibiotic wasn’t enough. That, or it was another bacteria. Afterall, I had been cultured in april, after DH and I had stopped having sex. Before then we used condoms all but once to my recollection. It wasn’t until after we got married and resumed intercourse that we didn’t use condoms and I was exposed to anything DH may have had. The fact that I had a bacteria was evidenced by the two miscarriages and also by the fact that I continued to have tail end brown bleeding (brown bleeding at the end of my period). Before this was thought to mean low progesterone, but now it may indicate bacteria as well.
Well, at least we were getting somewhere. We had a hypothesis. We had hit the ground running with so much from day one that there wasn’t a lot of road left ahead of us. We were already working with a national leader in the field, so I knew even one option was at least something. The two options Dr. Hilger’s gave us were these 1) we could take more oral antibiotics. A different kind (this time Biaxin) and more of it. First 21 consecutive days, then on cycle day 1-10 (both DH and I) of each cycle until we conceived. Or, we could see Dr. Toth, a national expert in pathogens. His lab tests for every known pathogen and he is the only one who links new ones to infertility. Dr. Hilgers studied under him for 2 weeks and was setting his lab up similar to Dr. Toth, but it was going to take years and years before it was ready. Dr. Hilgers had sent four patients to Dr. Toth. One had just had a baby, and three the jury was still out on.
DH and I said yes to the oral antibiotics on the spot and said we would look into Dr. Toth. We left the call with a prescription and a plan, but I was doubtful $7.44 could answer our problems. I had little hope left. But maybe the antibiotics would buy us some time-we could see how the other girls’ were doing and if it did work, we would save so much money.
Knowledge is power, I believe that, so I went right to work. Dr. Toth had a website and I was able to read numerous research articles on his site, sign up for his patient discussion board, and find both of his full text books free on the site. I set to work reading. I also called the office and got every insurance code for every procedure and called Cigna to see what was covered. Needless to say that that summer I did not write my dissertation proposal as planned. I was busy continuing my other doctorate, the one infertility that would never be officially recognized.
Reading Dr. Toth’s book, the Fertility Solution, was the best thing I did. I saw myself all over the pages. I jotted notes about symptoms and began to fully realize that bacteria was my problem. We were “lucky” in that we had symptoms so we knew it would help-many don’t have symptoms and therefore don’t seek treatment.
I also learned quickly that there are two ways to get bacteria-from your sexual partners (horizontal) or from your parents (vertical transmission). I highly suspected I got it horizontally (from parents due to all the miscarriages in our family) and vertically (not just from DH, but from BF#2). I tied this back to God, even though Dr. Toth doesn't revolve his practice around his faith like Dr. Hilgers. I thought, if we all followed God’s plan to not have intercourse before marriage, this would never have happened to any of us. When we take things into our own hands and disobey God, then we tie his hands to help us. He gave us free will, and we choose to use it to go against His will, He doesn’t punish us. But rather, we literally tie his hands to help us. Then bad things befall us and we curse God. But if at any point, even way after the fact, we realize and turn toward God, he can make amazing things happen. God can “write straight with our crooked lines.” He can and He is more than willing if we just give him a little room to work. I felt DH and I did that when we turned even our sex life over to Him before we got married or even engaged. And we were still doing it daily, by practicing NFP, by not giving in to pressure for in vitro and other things against the Church. Most recently I demonstrated this by even giving God my tubes. I had already been convinced the goal was to live as God wants us to, to abide by His will. If He wants a child to come out of it, great. But regardless, He has wonderful things in store for us that we can’t even imagine. He has rewarded us for being faithful by bringing us to this diagnosis early, by leading us to a man determined to treat the cause and not the symptoms, and now by leading us to Dr. Toth.
I learned that even though Dr. Toth isn’t Catholic, he disagrees with in vitro, for the most part, for another reason. If the cause is bacteria, then not being able to get pregnant is preserving the upper reproductive tract to be bacteria free. By artificially inseminating someone, they bypass the bodies’ natural barrier and literally infect everything in the upper reproductive tract. It horrified me and I thanked God for His wisdom and for guiding the Church’s teaching. I knew all who followed it would be spared further pain.
I also learned another way that God was blessing DH and my faithfulness. If we did have a bacteria and got pregnant, the baby could have died much later during the pregnancy. Or the baby could have lived, but been born very premature with lots of health problems. Dr. Toth believes that bacteria is very very common in the reproductive tracts. Just think about all the unprotected sex! I thought in a long term faithful relationship I was safe without condoms! Especially if I was tested and so was my boyfriend. But the labs that test for common STDs do not test for all of the one’s Dr. Toth knows cause infertility. This is because his research is new and cutting edge. Also, Dr. Toth and Hilgers culture out the specimens much longer. As a result, some labs have said people don’t have Chlamydia (a known cause of infertility) and in actuality they do find it with Dr. Toth.
Besides these reasons, another reason Dr. Toth things bacteria is common is because of the number of miscarriage and premature babies. We find this all common place now, but bacteria is a lead cause of these things happening. The body was not meant to miscarry and Dr. Toth believes just one miscarriage should cause someone to seek immediate intervention. Dr. Toth associates in his research a link between bacteria and premature babies, ear infections, behavior problems, obsessive compulsive disorder, autism and many other things including cancer and heart disease. If you think of all of these things in relationship to bacteria, you do realize that it is very very common. For some it shows as miscarriage, others not being able to get pregnant at all, other secondary infertility (one baby fine and then can’t get pregnant again or miscarry). Others have children with problems they don’t realize are related to bacteria, so they don’t treat it and then their children go on to have problems conceiving. This gets worse with every generation, but research proving these generational problems are difficult. Dr. Toth does as much studies as he can with virgins he finds full of bacteria, and is able to trace it back to their mothers.
Before I even had actually lost Gabby (but we knew we would), I had a phone consultation scheduled with my doctor in Omaha. August 22nd-I clung to that date. The date I would get some answers. I put all my trust in this man as an instrument of God (both a faith filled man who has devoted his life to preserving life based on God’s call, also an internationally known researcher). I had the gammet of emotions on that call. DH and I were both present and hovering over the speaker phone.
Dr. Hilgers first said he was very sorry for our losses. And basically said it shouldn’t have been happening given all the up front testing and treatment. We were devastated-we can’t be stumping the man who has all the answers! He went on to say what he suspected the culprit to be. In April 2006, one of my many diagnosis, actually the last I received was that they had found a bacteria-ureaplasma urealycticum.
I remember thinking as we were driving out of Omaha and received the call, can’t you just let us leave this freakin’ town without following us out with one more diagnosis! You have to be kidding me. But it seemed simple enough at the time. Take two weeks of doxycycline and it should be fine. Easy enough. A one time treatment instead of monthly meds or shots. I can handle this. I asked if DH should also have the treatment and the nurse said it wasn’t typical, but she would check. She said the doctor agreed and we would both take the meds. I remember asking if we could retest, and she said not without another trip to Omaha and another endometrial biopsy (others don’t culture it out as long as necessary). Even then she said we might get a false negative. So take the meds and hope for the best. This antibiotic usually was enough. I learned at home doing research that this bacteria was a fancy name for an STD. I had contracted a(nother) STD. I already was treated for HPV in college. Now this…you would think I had slept with half the planet instead of three men, including my husband.
Now Dr. Hilgers was saying he thought the ureaplasma was back. That the antibiotic wasn’t enough. That, or it was another bacteria. Afterall, I had been cultured in april, after DH and I had stopped having sex. Before then we used condoms all but once to my recollection. It wasn’t until after we got married and resumed intercourse that we didn’t use condoms and I was exposed to anything DH may have had. The fact that I had a bacteria was evidenced by the two miscarriages and also by the fact that I continued to have tail end brown bleeding (brown bleeding at the end of my period). Before this was thought to mean low progesterone, but now it may indicate bacteria as well.
Well, at least we were getting somewhere. We had a hypothesis. We had hit the ground running with so much from day one that there wasn’t a lot of road left ahead of us. We were already working with a national leader in the field, so I knew even one option was at least something. The two options Dr. Hilger’s gave us were these 1) we could take more oral antibiotics. A different kind (this time Biaxin) and more of it. First 21 consecutive days, then on cycle day 1-10 (both DH and I) of each cycle until we conceived. Or, we could see Dr. Toth, a national expert in pathogens. His lab tests for every known pathogen and he is the only one who links new ones to infertility. Dr. Hilgers studied under him for 2 weeks and was setting his lab up similar to Dr. Toth, but it was going to take years and years before it was ready. Dr. Hilgers had sent four patients to Dr. Toth. One had just had a baby, and three the jury was still out on.
DH and I said yes to the oral antibiotics on the spot and said we would look into Dr. Toth. We left the call with a prescription and a plan, but I was doubtful $7.44 could answer our problems. I had little hope left. But maybe the antibiotics would buy us some time-we could see how the other girls’ were doing and if it did work, we would save so much money.
Knowledge is power, I believe that, so I went right to work. Dr. Toth had a website and I was able to read numerous research articles on his site, sign up for his patient discussion board, and find both of his full text books free on the site. I set to work reading. I also called the office and got every insurance code for every procedure and called Cigna to see what was covered. Needless to say that that summer I did not write my dissertation proposal as planned. I was busy continuing my other doctorate, the one infertility that would never be officially recognized.
Reading Dr. Toth’s book, the Fertility Solution, was the best thing I did. I saw myself all over the pages. I jotted notes about symptoms and began to fully realize that bacteria was my problem. We were “lucky” in that we had symptoms so we knew it would help-many don’t have symptoms and therefore don’t seek treatment.
I also learned quickly that there are two ways to get bacteria-from your sexual partners (horizontal) or from your parents (vertical transmission). I highly suspected I got it horizontally (from parents due to all the miscarriages in our family) and vertically (not just from DH, but from BF#2). I tied this back to God, even though Dr. Toth doesn't revolve his practice around his faith like Dr. Hilgers. I thought, if we all followed God’s plan to not have intercourse before marriage, this would never have happened to any of us. When we take things into our own hands and disobey God, then we tie his hands to help us. He gave us free will, and we choose to use it to go against His will, He doesn’t punish us. But rather, we literally tie his hands to help us. Then bad things befall us and we curse God. But if at any point, even way after the fact, we realize and turn toward God, he can make amazing things happen. God can “write straight with our crooked lines.” He can and He is more than willing if we just give him a little room to work. I felt DH and I did that when we turned even our sex life over to Him before we got married or even engaged. And we were still doing it daily, by practicing NFP, by not giving in to pressure for in vitro and other things against the Church. Most recently I demonstrated this by even giving God my tubes. I had already been convinced the goal was to live as God wants us to, to abide by His will. If He wants a child to come out of it, great. But regardless, He has wonderful things in store for us that we can’t even imagine. He has rewarded us for being faithful by bringing us to this diagnosis early, by leading us to a man determined to treat the cause and not the symptoms, and now by leading us to Dr. Toth.
I learned that even though Dr. Toth isn’t Catholic, he disagrees with in vitro, for the most part, for another reason. If the cause is bacteria, then not being able to get pregnant is preserving the upper reproductive tract to be bacteria free. By artificially inseminating someone, they bypass the bodies’ natural barrier and literally infect everything in the upper reproductive tract. It horrified me and I thanked God for His wisdom and for guiding the Church’s teaching. I knew all who followed it would be spared further pain.
I also learned another way that God was blessing DH and my faithfulness. If we did have a bacteria and got pregnant, the baby could have died much later during the pregnancy. Or the baby could have lived, but been born very premature with lots of health problems. Dr. Toth believes that bacteria is very very common in the reproductive tracts. Just think about all the unprotected sex! I thought in a long term faithful relationship I was safe without condoms! Especially if I was tested and so was my boyfriend. But the labs that test for common STDs do not test for all of the one’s Dr. Toth knows cause infertility. This is because his research is new and cutting edge. Also, Dr. Toth and Hilgers culture out the specimens much longer. As a result, some labs have said people don’t have Chlamydia (a known cause of infertility) and in actuality they do find it with Dr. Toth.
Besides these reasons, another reason Dr. Toth things bacteria is common is because of the number of miscarriage and premature babies. We find this all common place now, but bacteria is a lead cause of these things happening. The body was not meant to miscarry and Dr. Toth believes just one miscarriage should cause someone to seek immediate intervention. Dr. Toth associates in his research a link between bacteria and premature babies, ear infections, behavior problems, obsessive compulsive disorder, autism and many other things including cancer and heart disease. If you think of all of these things in relationship to bacteria, you do realize that it is very very common. For some it shows as miscarriage, others not being able to get pregnant at all, other secondary infertility (one baby fine and then can’t get pregnant again or miscarry). Others have children with problems they don’t realize are related to bacteria, so they don’t treat it and then their children go on to have problems conceiving. This gets worse with every generation, but research proving these generational problems are difficult. Dr. Toth does as much studies as he can with virgins he finds full of bacteria, and is able to trace it back to their mothers.
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