12.18.2008

More tests-and not of the lab variety!

So two things were done-the iv and finding a local ob/gyn. Now I worried, would DH reinfect me after my iv if the oral antibiotics didn’t clear him up? I asked a new online friend, a mentor and literal gift from God, also a patient of Dr. Hilger’s that is now working with Dr. Toth. She is currently 13 weeks pregnant (one of the three that was unaccounted for during the call with Dr. Hilger’s). I had found her on Dr. Toth’s discussion board. She shared her own fears about being reinfected even though her husband had gotten the full treatment. They only had intercourse twice in 12 weeks of pregnancy. I realized my fear was legitimate, and emailed Dr. Toth right away.
That brings us to October 24th. Another day of being tested in my faith. The email from Dr. Toth (NY) was short and to the point:
"I can only imagine that you do have some active infection since you have never been properly treated. It's just very important that we get you starting on the IV once you are pregnant. If your husband has infection than so will you, especially with unprotected intercourse. During pregnancy I would recommend no intercourse if you do not use condoms." Dr. Toth
Wow. Could DH and I handle this test of our faith?! I emailed my fellow patient and she said that the first couple Dr. Hilger’s sent to Dr. Toth and had success had not had intercourse the entire pregnancy. I didn’t know that. But I figured, surely if DH got tested and treated and a clean bill of health, that we would be able to resume if my cultures came back safe too? So I asked, and I waited. The story of my life!
I gave the news to DH over personal email, starting with the forward from the doctor. That way he would read it, a little easier to swallow and less of a fight, and then he could digest it for awhile. Needless to say, after returning from my sis JB’s that night he was a bit grumpy. At first, it was like a flashback of when I told him no more premarital sex. He made a few digs and he was mad about other things when this was what was really bothering him. But, in the end, I knew he was going to be okay, and I looked upon him like I did back then, as a child in pain, not understanding, and struggling with all of the mixed emotions. I told him I wished he was a little boy that I could scoop in my arms and rock and whisper everything would be okay and brush his hair. This may sound silly to most of you, but DH and I don’t just view sex as sex. It is a renewal of our wedding vows. And neither of us knew how we could get through this on our own. I was constantly reminded by God that I wasn’t alone the first time and I wasn’t alone now. I reminded DH of the strength he had shown the first time, by responding to the grace given to him by the Holy Spirit.
The next day brought more trials of another kind. After an appointment with Dr. A where we discussed the iv, etc, I went downstairs to former ob/gyn's office. I was nervous to go in there again, but determined not to let it scare me. I wanted to face my fear and not let him control me. I thought it made sense to go in and address the office staff about an outrageous copying charge I received for transferring records. I was not informed there would be a charge, and the office manager didn’t think it was important enough to return my calls. I though it would be simpler and faster to come in in person since I was already there. Unfortunately. I waited over 30 minutes only to be told they were required to give the charge and I was handed a copy of the state's statute. I told them that wasn’t true-no other doctors I had worked with followed this (and I confirmed it with one more up stairs before I left). Later research revealed it was the maximum charge allowable by law that they could charge me for the copies. They were in compliance, however I knew I had been targeted. Clearly no charge for the copies was mentioned on the phone because they didn’t realize it was me. A friend in the same boat was not charged for her copies. Just me, because of how things ended with us. The office worker told me that it was because of the doctor’s personal request that I was being charged. She kept repeating this. She also told me that It was different than what others were charged because I left. I should have said “he left me” but I didn’t. Just like, during my long wait, when former ob/gyn appeared behind the front desk I should have stood up and confronted him for targeting me and betraying me, but I didn’t. I wanted the floor to swallow me up, but instead I turned my body toward the window and gazed out it until I was certain he was gone. I hated him for making me feel that way, but I am trying to focus that anger into forgiveness and pity for the man who clearly could stand a lesson in how to act when you don’t get your way. I am not quite there yet. But I know if I truly desire it, God will help me get there.

1 comment:

Maria Therese said...

Hello! Thank you for the nice visit to your blog! This is my first visit here. I’ve been feeling very sad and discouraged about my whole inability to be able to conceive lately. My name is Maria and I’m forty three. I met my husband on a Catholic Singles website and we were married on June 16th, 2007. We have been TTC ever since our wedding with no success. Eight months after marriage I was diagnosed with endometriosis stage four. I’ve had two surgeries so far. Still no success being able to conceive. I want you to know that my heart goes out to you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I have a blog too. When you get a chance, I would really LOVE to hear from you!

May God Bless you & your lovely family!
Maria Therese In Mass