Talking to Friends about IF and Miscarriage

I know that everyone has a different way of dealing with this topic, so this is just my two cents about what worked for me (and what didn't).

I have an unusual circumstance (I think) in that I am literally surrounded by people with IF.  Starting with my family, my mom lost a baby after me, in the 5th month.  And both of my married sisters have had more than one miscarriage, including an ectopic pregnancy.  (Yes, this family history plays a role in my IF-infection).  From their experiences, I formed my own opinion on how to handle pregnancy and miscarriage.  For example, when I got pregnant, I knew there would be a good chance of miscarriage.  However, I still chose to tell people.  My decision rule was this: I would tell anyone that I was expecting that I would also tell if I was miscarrying.  That way I would have the support I needed should something happened.  Dh agreed on this rule.  We told our parents, our siblings, and our best friends.  One thing I didn't anticipate up front is how many people I would want to tell if/when I miscarried.  I think that is because I am a very open person.  I am blessed with many friends that put up with me!  As I mentioned before, many of them have their own IF struggles.  I have friends from my high school group  (even though mostly single, have things they know will cause them at least some difficulty conceiving-a didelphic uterus, pcos, family history), friends from college (many still without children, but one that tried for years to get pregnant), a great group from church (many many have experienced losses, also secondary infertility, one ttc for many years before chosing to stop for many reasons), even elementary school BFF and the secretary at my work!  I continue to be blessed to meet others through friends IRL or online.  I really feel blessed for this amazing network of women!  It seems nuts as I list them here-I guess God knew I just wasn't strong enough to go through it without them all!

When I didn't tell the friends from high school or the college group about the first miscarriage, I felt like I was hiding something.  I would want to know if they were hurting.  Our miscarriage was very traumatizing for me (aren't they all?!).  It was surrounded by a roller coaster of emotions, one reason being because we had a heart beat and then lost the pregnancy.  (For new readers, click here-the post is called Michael).  I was gearing up to tell my friends about the loss, when we got pregnant again.  I remember having this crazy mix of emotions.  For the second pregnancy (click here or the post called Gabby), the hcg didn't double properly from the beginning and loss was imminent.  I lost her before I had told friends about the first one.  At that point, I knew I had to tell them, and quickly.  It was a huge part of who I was.  I wanted to "come clean" with everyone, but not in a way that would make them feel awkward.  I had been writing down the details of what had happened.  It was therapeutic.  It was also recording the story that is our life. It wasn't just facts, it was emotions.  I ended up attaching these "chapters" to an email.  I said something to the effect, that we were struggling, having had two losses.  It didn't feel right to not share this with them, as I would want to know if the roles were reversed.  I have written in length about the details if they were interested.  It avoided an awful conversation I wasn't really ready for, but I got it out.  I bounced the idea off my BFF first.  She was very supportive.  I am glad I did it.  Those "chapters" later became those posts on my blog.  The friends are an amazing source of support, but it doesn't define our friendship. 

As I continued to share with others, how and when I felt it appropriate and comfortable (and trying to be considerate of dh who is more private than I am), I learned of more and more people struggling themselves.  That helped build my community of support.  I honestly don't know if there is anyone I interact with that doesn't know this about me!  It is just part of me, it doesn't come out in a way that makes them feel awkward, just as it comes up and stated as fact.  I often learn they have had similar problems (hello-almost everyone who has drawn my blood!) and it is a way to share what has worked for me and let people know they are not alone.

During this time, I became on a mission to make sure that miscarriage or IF wasn't a dirty secret that people don't feel they can reveal.  There is no stigma.  It isn't our fault.   If people want to keep it private, that is their choice.  I totally respect that.  Different things work for different people. But talking about it, having that support, is therapeutic.  And even better, we may even be able to share information or learn about treatments that can help!  Just my two cents on how I have worked through a difficult topic.