I am okay-really.

I am not crazy.  I swear I am not.  (Though I am sure crazy people say that right?)  But, seriously.  I am doing okay.  I know that I know nothing and can't control that.  I am waiting.  I am not driving myself crazy in the meantime.  I know that tomorrow will likely give me no new information.  A sac is expected for the most part and a heartbeat is not (do to timing, it would be on the early side and even if we get one, I don't expect it early.  This baby is a late bloomer, lol).  I am cutting myself a little slack in that I am letting myself eat a little sugar (consolation prize), but other than that things are normal.

I do like my blood draws.  I know I said I would give them up, but then I didn't.  Here's why.  Today I had to get one at the same city, same hospital, same lab.  For progesterone for Pope Paul VI.  So why not get two?  One for hcg.  I decided that it would be okay because my expectations and mindset have changed.  Unless it goes down, there is no new information.  There is uncertainty on whether slowing this early is a bad thing.  (I know I read different, but whatever).  It just isnt' for sure.  I am not being optimistic.  I am just waiting.  So only going down gives me information.  And I decided I wanted that information.  I didn't NEED it, like in a desperate way.  Just wanted it. 

Basically I decided it will be nice to have prog results, hcg results, and u/s results.  Sometime in the next week or so, I will likely have an answer.  Not definitive of course, as many things can go wrong at any point, but once I get a healthy heartbeat, I do tend to be a more "glass half full" kind of gal.  Heck, I was being that already after the success with Charlie-I even filled out the hospital registration forms before I got the questionable hcg.  It's a wonder what a healthy pregnancy does for hope. Plus I always promise to not live a pregnancy in fear.  Every day is a gift and I don't want to "start enjoying it" when and if I get to some arbitrary point-like 20 weeks. 

So I got the hcg, because I am not feeling crazy psycho about it.  Fyi, I am not dragging out this post to put you in suspense at the number.  I don't know it.  I am writing it while waiting and now it has been long enough so I am going to call...Okay, good enough news anyway.  9492.  It actually sounds better than it is when you crunch the numbers but it went up 39% (from 6832). But given the last increase in the same time period was 30.2%, I am pleased.  Like I said, low expectations.  And don't let the number crunching fool you, it is just a byproduct of being married to an accountant.  I am not over analyzing.  I promise.  I will let you know how the u/s goes tomorrow.  Prayers please.