1.11.2013

Why does more info never lead to a solid answer?

I am in limbo. I think I live here actually, so I might as well settle in.

Okay, two days ago I took a hpt. It was negative. I expected it positive due to hcg in my system. Hmmm.  Maybe in btw shot and conception, but then again, by 14 dpo you would think it would be positive if it was going to be positive. Didn't help the test was older. I don't know from when. And generic. I don't think it was one of those extra sensitive kinds.

Then yesterday after my post, I took a hpt. It was new and expensive. Funny thing, I was so anxious I barely had any pee and took it anyway. If I had waited five min and drank a water, I have the smallest bladder ever, it would have been fine. I thought it was negative, but really I look back and it didn't even produce a test line. I am out of practice with hpt, don't use them b/c of being on the shots. I just had a few around from before I started cycling again and before I was on any meds. I think I should stick to the non testing rule.

Anyway, after that test yesterday I really didn't think I had a chance. I started my period on 16dpo last month. Weird. And the test was negative yesterday, or so I thought. But I was headed out to spend the day with my sister and mom today, so I wanted to rule out the need for a blood draw since it was 16dpo and no blood test.  Plus I was achey on the left side again. I used the 2nd hpt and it was positive decently quick, but not the darkest I have seen. I was cautiously optimistic. Figured I was pregnant due to neg two days ago (by then I looked back at the picture and realized my error from yesterday)-since this would be the shot reappearing. I went in for a quick draw. I am super blessed to use a hospital for my requisition; it is fast, can be done anytime, they run it stat and call me with the results.  While waiting I was able to secure a standing order for repeat hcg at same hospital from my ob (love him!) and my mom was able to get my infusion company to recontract with the mid line catheter placement company for my services monday or tuesday, should I need them. That was nice to be taken care of. I called Dr. Hilger's for the IV orders, should we need them.

Insert torture. Because the phone rings with my results and my phone won't let me answer it. I had to pull the battery finally and restart. This gave Charlie and me time to pray to the Holy Spirit for peace regardless. Listen to voicemail. Call lab back because they just said to call instead of leaving results on the vm. The number was WRONG! I call the main hospital line and lose the call due to reception. I call again. I get transferred. To the wrong extension. She realizes the right number and finally transfers me. Betty, my savior answers. "it's 47, that's good right?!"

Well, not quite. You see, on hcg shots, they call 50 a true positive. But if my negative test was correct, then the hcg was out of my system. But the number is small. My lowest on this day was 207 (Anthony). They said maybe he was a late implanter. So I have more questions than answers. Maybe this is hcg shot leftover and the neg test was wrong. Maybe this is a pregnancy that is not doing well. Maybe dates are wrong-I only had one day of mucus, but it was rock star and very clearly what I see for peak. However, we did bd every other day several more times. So maybe a later one was really the one? Then the hcg draw would just be early. Or maybe its ectopic, characterized by a slow rising hcg. Lots of scenarios. Only one of them good. I try to look on the bright side. I'd rather not be pregnant than miscarry. Okay, I shouldn't think that way. It's a soul in heaven. But I do. It's a loss. A real child that I can't hold. So maybe  I am selfish. If this is a loss, I would rather it be a quick loss. Again, I am selfish. I know the baby doesn't suffer. But the more we do, the more invested I get, the harder it is. The baby will be loved regardless of date of loss, but truth is, I feel it is harder the longer the baby is here.  The heart beat that slowly lowers is excruciating. Been there twice. Last time doing the 10 day IV and then losing the baby was insanely difficult. Additionally, I will say that losing a baby where you didn't see it coming is worse than warning, even if the warning means it is drug out. These are just my own personal experiences. So if it is a loss, it would be better to be a loss we know is coming. So these are my pathetic ideas of looking on the bright side.

The plan is to redraw Sunday and see. If it doubles, Hilgers will still do IV monday. If it is really questionable, like barely doubles, I might ask for another draw before we decide. One day, Tuesday, will give me comfort to know the IV is the right thing. It's all set up and waiting. Now, to distract myself with my family this weekend and pray for peace. Holy Spirit, beloved of my soul. I adore you. Enlighten me. Guide me. Strengthen me. Console me. Tell me what I should do. I promise to submit myself to all that you desire of me and accept all you permit to happen to me. Let me only know your will. Amen

6 comments:

JoAnna Wahlund said...

I'm sorry you're in such limbo right now. Prayers.

Anonymous said...

It can never just be easy, can it? With my son, my hcg was only 165 on day 17. Wishing you all the best.

E said...

limbo sucks. I'm thinking its just the hcg shots...

Amazing Life said...

Praying for you!

Suzie-Q T-Pie said...

ahhg! Praying for you!

Alive in HOPE! said...

I can't even imagine such a limbo... Praying for you, my friend!