Attempting to Let Him Lead

From the last post you may recall reading: "Here we are. Facing potentially $20k in surgery. We are done. Unless God swings the door wide open, we will try with what we have. Tubes blocked or unblocked, we don't know."

Things appear to have changed. While I don't know the outcome and if this path will lead to surgery Friday, I continue on the path that God has lead us by continuing to walk through the doors swinging wide open. The turn of events happened after I posted, of course. I called Dr. Toth to tell him we are canceling the selective HSG due the chance it may not be covered since it isn't within the context of a lap. Dr. Toth's response was unwavering. Do it. Do it in the context of a lap. I confirmed with him about surgery risk and how I thought it was risking infection spreading. His response. Do it. No putting it on me to decide. No ambiguity. Just do it. Couldn't be more clear.

So instead of calling to cancel, I called Dr. Hilger's nurses to ask first of all, this wasn't how it was already set up right? and also, is Dr. Hilgers willing to do this? Again, I was going off my prayer-doors open if this was the path we were meant to take. The nurse brought up two more potential barriers: 1)   does Dr. Hilgers have time in his schedule and 2) does the hospital have time for Dr. Hilgers to do this in their OR?

The response was clear again. Yes, Dr. Hilgers will do this, yes he has time, yes the hospital has time. Again, Renee clarified it is likely to be covered. The only "risky" thing is really the unblocking with a catheter, if necessary. I would happily pay that $900 if the hospital bill is paid by insurance. 

So we continued to move forward with one more piece unknown. Would I end up in the CD 4-8 window Dr. HIlger's prefers? It looked like it when we set this up but so far, no period. Stress is for sure the likely culprit. I may have had a double peak. Being concerned your job is at risk, a huge deadline coming up with a lot riding on it, a sister that is likely on drugs, a potential upcoming out of state surgery, and my oldest child have some major behavior struggles will do that to you. In talking with Cheryl, the surgery scheduling nurse, she made it sound like there is no way Dr. Hilgers would do it post peak, but he may be willing to do it a day or two earlier. I clarified we were asked to abstain so pregnancy isn't a concern and was told there was more to it than that. So we waited.

A few questions occurred to me that I received clarification on. First, I realized the change to a lap might mean a request for me to abstain and heal. I asked Dr. Toth if he intended for that and he assured me even post lap he wants us to try that very same cycle, unless of course I needed a tubal surgery and required healing from that. Teresa agreed that it was likely alright unless we encountered anything major. I also clarified that likely Dr. Hilgers would not be able to do a tube repair during the surgery, only run the catheter through. Most of those require the robot and that would be another surgery (one I don't imagine we would do). Dr. Toth reminded me that he absolutely believes the tubes are still blocked and doesn't want us to "waste" unprotected intercourse on not tic, so for that reason I hope the surgery will be soon. Miss the hubby. If we have to wait another month, I am not sure that is best for us. I imagine I'd let hubs make that decision if we got there. I can't think that far ahead though. 

Today is Wed. Surgery would be Friday. I would leave town tomorrow morning. No period yet. So I called Mariam who is subbing for Cheryl, at her request, to let her know where I was at with things. I am on cycle day 32, but a little unclear about when my peak was. If I went by point of change, it had long past. But if I went by peak-type CM, then it was pretty recent. For these reasons I skipped my draw (after confirming I could get a green light for Clomid without it). Mariam said something I never expected to hear. Come anyway. I was hoping that came from Dr. Steve Hilgers, but it sounds like isn't there. She said the policy is not to cancel surgery, but to still have me come in for all my pre-op appts.  Sounds like I am to keep moving forward to me. To be honest, if he does go through with the surgery, then two weeks of healing before ttc sounds a lot better than potentially only a week. Ouch :( That doesn't exactly sound like what God meant when he creates children out of love making. 

I am a tad nervous they will cancel only after I get down there and do three pre-op appts (Creighton is first, then ultrasound, then pre op with Dr. Steve Hilgers). But then again, I am still on the path as I promised I would be as long as the doors don't swing shut. Should they swing shut tomorrow after appts, well, then that's what they do. I promised I would keep walking. 

It reminds me of the thick fog this morning. 

I may only be able to see my own feet and not the path ahead, but I do know who is holding my hand and I trust Him with everything. So here we are. And eventually the Son will come out and burn off a little of that fog, as He always does when the time is right. 

Until then I will just grip a little tighter.


Rachel said...

Oh boy. I hope all works out for you and you will be able to have the surgery.

Thanks for sharing your journey.

Alive in HOPE! said...

The end of this post is beautiful. Thank you for the reminder. (I think I must be holding His hand with a death grip in recent months... but I will NOT let go!)

Anonymous said...

To put your mind at ease a little bit, I recently had a lap done and when we scheduled it, it was pre peak. However, when I actually had my surgery and one of my tubes had to be opened it was post peaked. Everyone I talked to seemed liked it didn't matter since the surgery was already scheduled and sometimes are body does things that mess up our cycles. I think you will be fine going post peak knowing for sure you haven't conceived since you are abstaining. Good luck on Friday. I will be praying for you!

E said...

I really hope this all works out!!!!!
Mine were clear, hope yours are!

Bekah B said...

Thank you for that beautiful meditation, my friend. I'm walking through some fog myself right now, and this was just the reminder I needed today. Praying for the Son to come out....indeed. You are in my prayers!

polkadot said...

Wow. What a turn of events. Definitely praying for you!