Quick Non-update and Halloween pics of the boys

So we had our first cycle ttc last month. We were told to avoid until that time, so we took that to mean only bd at ovulation time on cycles we are ttc so that is a new one for us. I figure its because Dr. Toth still wants to be sure we are as "clean" as possible if/when we do conceive. If anything is left in one of us, when we are together we will share it again, so we are just keeping that to a minimum for now. Honestly, we won't live like this forever, but we feel it is more okay to risk when we are talking about ourselves, but not okay when we are talking about losing a young life over it.

So that was a change this cycle. I also took the 2000 hcg dose (normal for most). Usually I do 1000 because my hands swelled on 2000 my first cycle on it. I figure, why not get twice as much out of a bottle since they are good for 60 days. I mean, my levels at P+7 are good. But Dr. Hilgers said on the phone, yeah, but you have had losses on those cycles too. Good point. 2000 it is.

I actually had the first experience ever of getting to CD 15 and testing and have it not be positive. I wasn't' totally convinced I was pregnant or anything, there were no signs and went into it pretty neutral.  It was an adventure with both boys, including Charlie throwing up due to car sickness on the way there! Then lots of waiting around just to get the draw. We didn't wait for the response. I got a call shortly saying my hcg was ten. I must say, I was really feeling sick hearing that. For me, the last positive was under 50 but a pregnancy, just one that wasn't healthy. I wondered if this meant a fast miscarriage and this was the end for us. I was in holding pattern. Dr. Hilgers was positive it was hcg from the double dose and that made sense. I felt better when my period began the next day. No pregnancy is a million times better than a loss in my book.

Guess what? I am such a ditz I didn't do a cycle review this cycle! Ooops! And i took clomid a day late (no big deal). This ttc is such a full time job with the meds on the different days. The worst, IMO, is the abx because you take on an empty stomach so I feel like I am going to vomit for an hr. I really should just remember to eat a cracker!

The other lovely is that I was just about over my yeast infection when I started my period. Ten more days of zith and rifampin and you betcha-dying again. So I called Dr. Toth for more diflu.can. Here's to hoping it works in time to try this month because I can't overlap it with abx so I can't take it until CD 11 or 12.

I know it is normal for me and for any woman who has her IF issues under control to get pregnant in three cycles. Charlie was conceived on #3, AJ on #1. We have done everything in between, but we are def grateful for three cycles being enough to conceive. However, this time I do worry that by cycle 3 we are going to have a less healthy baby then cycle one trying and greater chance of miscarriage. Who knows? This time it could be cycle 5 and so after cycle three and nothing we will definitely have to discern.

I know it sounds a little bratty for others in a different situation, but I still have some reservations about even trying. We are blessed. I do want more, but I am so open to adoption. I just know that dh needs to exhaust this route first and so here we are. I continue to have mixed emotions that result in an overall neutral feeling. One thing I am not neutral about is miscarriage. But that is always the risk that comes with me getting pregnant. I still have fear of the unknown. No IV if I get pregnant, just a lot more Zith. And Dr. Hilgers said just due to the number of miscarriages I would be on 5000 hcg in addition to all my progesterone. That doesn't sound like fun. Worth it of course. But one more thing that makes me a little resentful when it doesn't. I need to work on that attitude, I suppose.  

Well, that's the non-update. On the home front, we have gotten through one birthday and I can't believe I have a five year old. AJ turns three on Monday so we've been busy between planning parties and costumes and add in a little Christmas shopping when we see something good. Unfortunately, I have bronchitis which is slowing me down. that's what happens when a two year old coughs two inches from your face in your face about 100 times a day. That's okay though. Little monkey was such a trooper when he had it. I will leave you with Halloween pics-Bob the Builder and Michael the archangel. They were so cute!

AJ took one look in the mirror and said "I look cool!" and "look at me!" :)