When Enough is Enough and The Peace That Surpasses All Understanding

I appreciate the responses to my last post. TEBB is never fun. But...I'm okay. It was a clear sign. I don't like ambiguity. I know my hormones are great. I know the TEBB is the result of infection. I know our Chlamyd.ia infection is resistant to everything we've thrown it's way.

I know we could still try. We have only tried 2 cycles since our late Aug treatment. Sept was 30 days of  antibiotics. I believe we tried in October, in November I missed my fertile signs so we didn't try. In December we tried one time after seeing what I thought was TEBB and then were on Cipro the rest of the cycle. In January we tried for the second cycle. It's already February, and here I am in the fertile phase again.

Given our history, there is a decent chance that we would get pregnant this cycle trying. But, also given our history, there is a decent chance we will miscarry. Do I know the exact percent? Of course not. But I feel like we passed the tipping point in my mind. Like 55% miscarriage, 45% fine. Is there still a chance things would be fine. Of course. But I am not good with chances like 55/45. I am just not.

Is it for the right reasons or the wrong reasons? I have asked myself this. I have prayed about it. And you know what I have? Peace. I have had peace about quitting since June. We did full treatment in NY, but I didn't have too. I didn't feel desperation. I felt like I was open to it, and my dh lead us and I was happy to follow. I had realistic expectations after talking to some amazing gals that did the Hilgers/Toth route before me. I knew it wasn't necessarily our ace in the hole. No guarantees. We don't regret going. Honestly. We don't feel like we were owed something because we went.

Some thoughts in my head have been 'Is continuing to try better or worse for my marriage?' Dh and I can only be together during fertile times. We were recommended that by Dr. Toth and we did it, not because we wanted to but because it is what was healthiest for our future child. It is not good to have relations that only exist at fertile times for the purpose of procreation. It is not good to not connect in that important way at other times of the month. My dh and I have been hit some huge blows in our family and personally. My dh is struggling with shoulder pain and needs surgery; is in a job with a verbally abusive unappreciative boss he can't stand-for the last 8 years. My sister lost her husband, got caught doing meth, lost her kids. We discerned custody of the kids. These are big things. Are hearts have been heavy. We are not great experts of supporting each other and showing love when we can't be together. Yes, we need to learn to do this better, and I am reading Simcha's book on NFP (so good!) but we are real people with sin and avoiding all this time is hard. We have avoiding all 6 pregnancies including two full term. I think we've had a life time of avoiding in our 7 years of marriage. Seven years of marriage, six pregnancies. All consuming.

And when I wait those twelve weeks to see if a pregnancy will last? Time stops. It just stops. It moves so slow everyday. I live and die by blood draws. I am so emotionally drained I eat chocolate and watch tv and that's my life. I can't hardly function. That's not healthy. And really, with infection, it can cause pre-term labor and all sorts of complications at any point if not managed. So the risk never really goes away.

I also ask myself 'is it more selfish to try or to not try?' Babies in heaven is not a bad thing, necessarily. I mean, it is the goal. But if we believe a person is a person no matter how small then the pain, oh the pain of this mother's heart at parting earlier than expected. Are we not trying to avoid the pain of another loss? No. It isn't nearly that simple.

I was not a good mom to my kids during my losses. I was consumed by the pain. My last pregnancy, Nicholas, was conceived on Christmas. I bled for five long weeks. I passed his body and held it in my hands. I am still having a hard time with not giving him a proper burial. We were so taken off guard. We lost him on Valentine's Day. It is all very fresh still. I saw his fingers, you guys. His fingers!

My life is not calm. My nuclear family is always in turmoil. My dad and mom are no longer in good health due to a life of stress. My stress is not the focus of the family. It is a drop in the bucket. My stress and losses are one more thing for my mom to feel guilty about not being there for me.

My life revolves around insurance, appointments, and lots of lots of blood draws. The medicines add up in cost, and the cost of it all is beyond financial. I am tired.

I am happy for my little sister's pregnancy. She is 12 weeks-praise God! Genuine happiness. I am not sure if that would continue if I was pregnant myself, dying through the first trimester day by day. Or God forbid experiencing a loss.

Dr. Toth and Dr. Hilger's did not tell us not to try. They did say they have nothing more to offer me at this point. They did say they would throw a ridiculous amount of antibiotics at me after conception. You know what I think? I think that after the fact isn't nearly as good as prior in fixing a problem such as infection. Dr. Toth was never going to give us a post conception IV again. Nope. We think I am immune to that. I already became immune to Biaxin for sure. So it was going to be Zithromax alone and hope it works. Lots and lots of Zithromax. Around 1000 mg (the max). Until I can't take it anymore either. And we don't even know if that will work? Not to mention where will that leave me in the future when I get something like, God forbid, the MRSA my dad has? Is there such thing as being resistant to difluca.n? I don't want to find out. I take it monthly now and so does dh. My stomach is strong as can be against these antibiotics, it's amazing. But the yeast...Did I mention HCG shots? If I got pregnant, not only would I continue the four progesterone shots in my hips (2 shots, 2 cc each, twice a week for the entire pregnancy), but Dr. Hilgers wants me to give myself HCG shots in my stomach throughout the pregnancy as well. Just in case. Due to so many losses. I don't mind needles, but that is so much. I remember Dr. Hilgers trying to comfort me when we had our phone consult. He told me women with eight losses had gone on to conceive. Let's just say I didn't feel better. That is fine for them, they have that right. But I didn't plan on letting it get to that point!

So what's changed? This was always the plan since Aug, no IV after conception. And HCG shots. My sister didn't just get pregnant. My life didn't just now get crazy. My husband and my marriage didn't just now get stressed. I could go on and on. Except one thing. One thing changed that changes everything. The TEBB is back. And that's enough. The scales have tipped in favor of miscarriage, and that isn't a risk I am willing to take. It doesn't feel like a decision made out of fear. To try feels like a decision made out of desperation for us. To throw everything and the kitchen sink at it, Andrea's words-God love her, is possible. But not desirable. I just don't feel I need to know I did everything. Even though we basically did. You know what I feel? Peace. And a bit of freedom and excitement about what might be in store for us. And that, my friends, only comes from God. Because that sure as hell isn't me talking! :)

have made it no secret on my blog that I feel at peace. I am grateful


stacym88 said...

I am so happy you are feeling peace. I will continue to pray that the peace continues and God leads you on His path for you and your family. If you ever need anything, you know I'm just down the road. Love you!

prayerfuljourney said...

I do think there comes a time when a couple knows it's time to stop....and it sounds like you are there. It is peaceful to stop TTC'ing and know in your heart it's okay. My dh and I are there as well and can be 100% invested in this new adoption journey we are on. I haven't looked back with regret at all.

Rachel said...

It's a blessing to have peace after all you have done to achieve and keep a pregnancy. It is not an easy decision to move forward. Wishing you the best and thank you for sharing.

E said...

Building a family is so hard! That darn TEBB...that is awful. What are your P+7 levels? Is P4 too low? E2 too low? Sometimes that can cause the TEBB, too.

I really hate CT. Yuck.

Oh and having a loss, I hate that, too. How does your DH feel about all this? I know when I get all wrapped up in it sometimes my DH can have some clarity to the situation. Prayers for you!

WheelbarrowRider said...

E, my P+7 have been great every month. I have not gotten additional bloodwork, nor has it ever been suggested. I could seek additional bloodwork, but honestly, I am not interested in chasing additional things and trying to get them all to line up at the same time. I don't feel caught up in anything, really. I have been feeling at peace since May before even NY. I brought up the TEBB to dh when I saw it, we've had some good discussions. He was not ready to give up this summer and wanted to go to NY, he led that. Now we feel we gave it good effort. We both are tired and ready to move on. I think we are both on the same page and see the good in whatever situation we are in. We are open to adoption, but are going to take some time before we delve into another roller coaster. We know adoption is no guarantee are aren't trading one way of having a child for another. We are at peace with our family as it is, but are open to God's will and growing our family other ways. Thanks for your comment. I am sure there are stones left unturned, really, but I feel good where we are at.

All in His Perfect Timing said...

Thank God for peace. It is hard to come by. (especially for me, sometimes). I will keep you in my prayers. Coming to the end of treatment and making a decision isn't easy. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I went through your same journey. As soon as we got married we tried and had 2 miscarriages. We were virgins at marriage. I had endo surgery with Dr. Hilgers and had some TEBB too. I came up neg. for all infections but the surgery seemed to make things worse. I saw Toth out of desperation. My and hubby had full treatment but after 4 cycles had some TEBB or pre cycle Brown bleeding. I felt hopeless, obsessive and fearful. Dr. Toth pretty much washed his hands of us and Dr. Hilgers told me to eat anti inflammatory. I saw a local NAPRO who had worked at Hilger's clinic and now practices in my state. She urged me to try a RE. I kept to my morals with them. I got pregnant with TEBB and am 24 weeks with healthy twins. My TEBB was never and infection. It seems like a theory only by Toth and Hilgers. I noticed I had it when I had a small cyst and that would go away each cycle. CYSTS may cause TEBB and it was NEVER diaganosed by Dr. Hilger's or Toth. They have tunnel vision. I had the same problem and deal with anger and crankiness because of all the stress. I like you thought it took away from our marriage in only coming together during fertile times. Napro was not meant to bring stress like that. I think that you are a brave woman. I will pray for you. Please have hope and peace. I conceived 2 years after Toth's treatment. The treatment messed me up but the body recovers. I know what it is like to see your baby after a miscarriage and have that burned in your mind. I believe someday peace will come again and you can have a live birth! I got anointing of the sick each month and then during this pregnancy. It helps SO much! Love, Amy

WheelbarrowRider said...

Amy, I appreciate your story and the time you took to share it. It is always good to have other perspectives, and I welcome that. I am glad you were able to keep your morals and have a healthy twin pregnancy with an RE after losses. I am so happy for you! My body seems to have handled Toth's treatment well. I do not doubt I have an infection due to dh's diagnosis of chlam.ydia through mainstream doctors more than once, but I do think it is important for others to know this isn't always the case of TEBB. I am okay with the fact that TEBB might not mean our infection is back and that is because we did have peace discerning this decision and I am not plagued with what ifs this test or that test proves something else or X stone is left unturned. I am fine to leave it unturned, really. I am at peace where we are at. We will always be open to life, but for me that won't mean actively ttc with climid etc. A pregnancy could me in my future, though not likely. A loss could be in my future as well. I will take what comes. I received the anointing of the sick with three of my pregnancies and I was very grateful for it. It is a beautiful thing and I am glad you were able to experience it. Thanks again for following, and taking the time to post. It isn't easy to be the one with a dissenting opinion, but all opinions are welcome here.

the misfit said...

I know our journeys with IF couldn't be more different in most ways, but I identify so strongly with this: "I just don't feel I need to know I did everything."

Sometimes even the people who love us most feel (out of love?) that they need to push us - remind us of their hope for our success the next time, their prayers for our "miracle." I think they mean well. But another baby, conquering an earthly problem, isn't the only victory, and sometimes isn't that best thing that God is offering us. Sometimes that best thing is peace. God bless.

WheelbarrowRider said...

Misfit, well said!