I am Not Alone

Yesterday wasn't the best. It was tough.

The DCF visit went fine and was over quickly. It started with a frustrating statement. She said "I thought of you yesterday regarding the story where the car was stolen with a baby inside." Honestly, how rude! Yes, a car can be stolen in 2 seconds, even with a child inside and parents standing right there as was this case. However, my car wasn't on! My keys were not it! The car was locked! Sigh. I realize I put my child at risk and won't again, but geez! Anyway, I  am sure she would have rather stayed than gone on to less healthy situations she deals with day in and day out.

I received the "I am sorry you are miscarrying" email from Dr. Hilger's nurses. And Dr. Toth replied and basically said he was sorry there wasn't more he could do, but I have antibiotic resistant infection and there isn't anything else he has to give me. Essentially the result of this is we should actively avoid getting pregnant if we even have the possibility of ovulating. That sort of makes ovulating a bad thing, instead of the good thing it should be. I am also irritated because Dr. Toth knew we were basically resistant or getting resistant when we went in for treatment in NY. So what was his plan when I got pregnant? To continue to give me the abx he knows I am resistant to. Even this pregnancy he gave me those and then said he would try to find something different if the pregnancy continued. So what is this plan? Evidently it was that a miracle abx would be developed. Good grief!

I told everyone that knew yesterday. It was hard, but I feel their support and prayers.

I know some women that when a loss is going on, there is really nothing anyone can say and they find fault with nearly every well meaning response. I don't think I am that way, but I was very irritated yesterday by a seemingly well meaning response. I wasn't expecting my son's teacher at his Catholic to school to ask us if we have tried IVF. It's well meaning, yes. And completely ignorant. Ignorant because it doesn't match our issue. She is brain washed it is the cure all like everyone else. Ignorant because it isn't helpful to suggest something against the church's teaching when someone is feeling weak and vulnerable. She is culpable for sin too, in that case, I would think. And especially it's ignorant, as many Catholics are, that there is something better out there. The Creighton Model and Naprotechnology treat the cause of the problem, is data based, is proactive. So I let her know 1) it wouldn't work because it isn't for our issue 2) it bypasses the body's natural defenses to protect it from getting pregnant when something is really wrong WITHOUT FIXING WHAT'S WRONG and 3) we thought we were giving up cutting edge treatment, but we did so to be faithful Catholics. Then we were rewarded with the best irony-the 2000 yr old church houses the most cutting edge fertility treatment available thanks to Dr. Hilgers. There. See if she brings that one up again! Geez! Hopefully she left with a little more hope to offer people in the future.

Yesterday was also hard because I am researching my options and I have decided to look into burial after a friend let me know the Catholic cemetery has a spot for miscarried babies and stillborns. I assumed no such option existed and funerals would be insanely expensive. It seems that isn't necessarily the case, so I am getting the information. Perhaps I can pass this info on to my Catholic ob/gyn and my priests so that this can be brought up to others that might benefit. I can't believe this was never mentioned to me. Something I definitely want to share with others.

I realized yesterday I was especially bitter because I was fine. I was happy. We had closed that door. In that way I empathize with a friend, Rhiannon. We had accepted the cross of IF. In her case she had adopted. Was happy. Convinced to do one more try. Then pregnancy. Then loss. And the wound, which was healed, is ripped right back open. And in our case, an extra bit of salt, you are ovulating. Not good for helping keep babies around, just saved you $5 on clomid and now you have to avoid forever. Aren't you glad you spent $18k for that treatment in NY so you could do that? Ugh.

So that was yesterday. Today is a new day (Lord, your Lourdes talk at mass continues to be ironic. Maybe its another kind of healing we should shoot for!) Thanks, everyone, for letting me know I am not alone. Your prayers carry me when I can't put one foot in front of the other. Please pray for my friend, Beth. She has had two losses like us, and two kids our children's age that go to school with them. Her husband needed meds for them to conceive. They are not Catholic and he was about to have a vasectomy when she got pregnant unexpectedly (no meds for him) in Aug. They almost immediately lost the baby. They got pregnant again, and they are about 20 weeks. They opted for the early blood test for the gender and found out there was a chance of Down Syndrome. So they did another blood test, which showed increased chance of triple X or trisomy 18. This is confusing and stressful. It's a slippery slope. They are now having an amnio, because the not knowing is incredibly stressful. The chance of miscarriage with amnio is greater than the chance their child actually has one of these. I feel for them. I am grateful they are not tempted to miscarry. I wonder how many unsuspecting moms choose this test to know gender and end up with more info than they bargained for or wanted. How many abort out of fear, and their child may not have anything. God help us with these slippery slopes!


Amazing Life said...

So sorry, I can't even imagine being on such a roller coaster of emotions! You continue to be in my prayers, friend.

Conceiving Hope said...

My DH and I are praying for your family daily. I shared this with R too, but in case it can be of any help at all, HERE is a resource I compiled that has some helpful Catholic information all in one place (liturgies, burial info, etc.)

PaxEtBonum said...

So sorry for you, you are going tgeough a very hard time; you and your family are in my prayers. Ps the test you are talking about is not to know the gender. It is used to detect without an invasive method the presence of the most common chromosomal anomalies (18, 21, 13 ans sex chromosome) Since the sex chromosome are analyzed too you get to know the sex but this is not the primary goal of the test.

Lucky as Sunshine said...

Prayers for you !!

WheelbarrowRider said...

Thank you, everyone! I got some incredible funeral info I had no idea about and will share soon. Pax, I had no idea! I was just repeating what I was told (3 times). Women do it to know gender. Ugh. It wasn't around when I had my boys. Good to know.

E said...

so so so so sorry. You are not alone. I am pretty much in the same boat. it sucks. Nothing more else to say than I'm sorry. (((HUGS)))

Leila@LittleCatholicBubble said...

So sorry for everything. So much heartache in this vale of tears. But God is steadfast, and thank you for keeping your eyes on him! And for schooling that teacher... ;)