This One Won't Be the Same...Updated

...because my baby Gerard will have a proper burial.  I found out, after my last post, from AJ's godmother that the local Catholic cemetary (read as 2 seconds from my house) did burials for an insanely reasonable amount. Honestly, I believe the idea of a funeral entered my head with past babies, but I assumed it would be outrageously expensive. I also assumed my husband wouldn't go for it, and it would be a fight. So I didn't go there. A decision made from lack of information.

When something terrible happens, people don't want to discuss it. I am no exception. It is just recently that I have opened up to a fellow blogger, my mom, and some friends that when I passed Nicholas (loss #4), I had him in my hands. I didn't expect it. I was early. He was perfect. I was in awe and simultaneously terrified. I didn't know what to do. I had no plan. My husband didn't know what to do. He was totally freaked out. It was winter, a fire was going. I knew people buried babies on their land. I have two digging up worms type of boys and a large German Shepherd. I didn't feel comfortable with that. I didn't love it, but I considered us cremating the baby. It was better than flushing the baby down the toilet with the rest. Before then I had two D&C's after losses and one loss very early where nothing was discernible. This was different. I was so unprepared. Due to fear, and lack of information, my baby went knowingly back in the toilet. It makes me want to throw up. It really was our dirty little secret. I felt like a pro life fraud. I felt alone. No support in that area of my loss. 

But this baby will be different. After my friend telling me, I called. And yesterday I heard back. Yes, they have a program. Just a few years old or so, so not around for my first two losses. For a mere $75, you can have a service if you like, a 12x12 plot, and a 12x12 headstone engraved with the baby's name and date. They supply the container and everything you need. And you know what? You can bring the baby in yourself, so if you pass the baby at home that is totally fine. I just assumed there were rules against that sort of thing! The baby is buried in their Memorial garden for miscarriage and stillborns (there are more rules so the cost is more for stillborns-$300 and you do your own headstone, which someone shared with me can be done cheaply through a link I will try to remember to come back and supply). The garden has the Infant of Prague statue. It is beautiful. There is a wall where all the names are engraved again. And it is right off my street the way I pass at least twice a day, and this area is right where I can see from the road. I can hardly believe it exists, and yet, what I really can't believe is how I didn't know about it. After I talked to the woman I went and saw for myself. This Catholic cemetery, so beautiful. Clearly valuing life. The Knights have a memorial to all the victims of abortion. It is just incredible. 

Well, you know I am a woman on a mission now. I took pamphlets and they are already gone. I am telling my doctor (Catholic pro life, never said a word before). I am telling my mother, who is a social worker at the hospital. I am telling my priests. I already had it announced at the arch diocesan bible study and I can't tell you how many women will be reached. Laura H said based on the response to her announcement this was very new information to most. I am sure. My mom lost a 20 week old and she was never able to have a funeral. So sad!

Gerard will be at rest so close! Likely where dh and I will be buried. While I wish they were all there, I can't change the past. I can only help others who don't know. 

Tomorrow I have a D&C. It is fast, I know. But I decided on one recently for several reasons, some good and some not. First, my children and I are doing the swimming thing March 1. I can swim 2 weeks post operation per my doctor's office. I could swim if I did it natural, but I probably wouldn't want to. I have bled before for a long time. It is hard to see that blood. It is painful emotionally. I am a control person. I don't like not knowing where or when. When it gets bad, it's heavy blood and cramping. I don't want that to sneak up on my when I am with my kids. I have bad memories of doing it at home with Nicholas. And Michael, my first. I had a D&C with Michael, but it was scheduled so far out I did pass all but Michael at home. I was more than 10 weeks, it was a ton of blood and very scary. I wasn't prepared, thinking I would not do this at home. They kept asking me how much blood, a pad an hour? how does one know when they can't leave the toilet?! So that was my reasoning.

Once I decided I called the doctor's office. My sono wasn't until Monday. I was curious if they thought they would get me in that Wed. Except the doc was going to be out of town all week. They let me get scanned today, and the baby had passed. Still measuring 6 weeks, so no growth in exactly 7 days. And no heartbeat. It was hard, but good. And you know the tech was Catholic and didn't know about the cemetery option? So there you go!

I got a good reflection someone shared with me I want to pass on with you, but dh is home with the antibacterial soap so I need to start prepping by showering and getting some food. I can't eat after midnight and surgery isn't until 1pm CST! Please pray for me. I know you will, and I am so comforted by that!

Update: God is purifying me by fire today. I am starving despite the cookie dough and milk at 10pm and the dinner that followed. I am such a wuss when it comes to food. But mostly because Charlie (who knows I am having surgery, has been reassured it isn't major and i am okay, and we haven't told about pregnancy because we are waiting until he is home all weekend to process it) told me this morning excitedly: "I know why you are having surgery today, mama! It's to fix your broken belly so we can have lots and lots of cute babies!" I told him we just found out recently that my broken belly isn't fixable and that no more babies will be grown in my belly; however, maybe someday we can help someone who can't take care of their own baby by raising it." This. This child! But that won't kill  me as much as the people who know what is going on and make comments like the one I got this morning after a preK drop off; it was basically that she had two boys and is totally done because, you know, if she had another boy she would die. Seriously? Seriously! Even knowing our situation. And that we have two boys. Obviously we wouldn't die if we got another boy. Some people. We are put here to wake them from their obliviousness. More on that when I can write the next post. I am offering everything today up for my child's godparents, for my friend waiting for her amnio results (she is at risk for a stillborn due to a genetic condition the baby may have based on bloodwork), and for all those waiting and wanting a(nother) child. 


Amazing Life said...

Continued prayers! I have always admired your strength, you have continued to be faithful & loving Momma to baby Gerard. Xoxo!

Conceiving Hope said...

Continued prayers for you. Definitely share the wonderful information you found at some point and I will include it on my online miscarriage/ectopic/ stillbirth resource so that people can find it there too! <3

Anonymous said...

I've heard similar comments before from women being "done" because they had all or mostly boys and they didn't want any more boys. What are boys? Garbage? If I'd had children, I would have LOVED to have had sons, and many of them, and all sons would have been fine with me!

Anyway, I'm sorry you are going through this. :-(

All in His Perfect Timing said...

I am so very sorry of the loss of baby Gerard.
It is such a great thing that you are reaching out to others with informational pamphlets about the cemetery for babies.
As my mom had 2 miscarriages in the late 80's, we buried their remains behind an old family headstone in a small town cemetery. There weren't the options available today.
Praying for you and your family as you grieve. <3

Angela said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of baby Gerard. *hugs* You have been through so, so much. But it is so beautiful that you will have a place to bury him. I'm so glad that you have that option! Praying for you!