Mentally and Physically Exhausted

I am sorry for the absence. While I have the time, I don't seem to have the energy to do much.

Friday was my D&C. For those of you that didn't see my update, sweet Charlie broke me that morning. He came and sat on my lap. He told me with great excitement, that he knew why I was having surgery. "It's to fix your belly, so you can have lots and lots of cute babies!" He was clearly proud. I looked him in the eyes and hugged him, and gently corrected him. "No, baby. It isn't that. I wish though. Actually, the doctors told mommy that I won't be able to have more babies because of my belly. Any babies we have will be those whose mommy's and daddy's can't take care of them."Well, here I had not wanted to drop the bomb of the baby dying before school or bed, so we were waiting until Saturday. And, of course, this was equally devastating to him. He went to school (I found out today) and told his teacher immediately. She said, "I am sorry. I know that's very sad for you." His reply was, "yes, but more so for mom." He is such a beautiful old soul.

The surgery itself went well. Since it wasn't until 1pm, I had a busy morning. Before surgery I literally ran up to the church and talked to Fr. Mike (our head priest) and got him up to speed. I went to the cemetery and, since the baby had died, I could sign the paperwork and they could assign him a spot. We put Gerard and our last name, and our best guess at the day he died, 2.12.15 (The day he no longer had a heartbeat) on his headstone. I handled it all pretty well and wasn't upset. I was happy, to bury him. To think of it, I really hadn't cried hard since the day the progesterone dropped low. Just a few tears when telling people that he actually passed. I got more brochures from the cemetery to continue my mission.

Surgery went well. You know I think I have had 20 surgeries or so!. Not good, right? All minor, but still! I have had about 5 eye surgeries (lazy eye, plus one benign tumor removed), two cysts removed, at least 3 laps for endo, and this was my 5th D&C because I had one after Anthony's birth and one minor one as part of the Dr. Toth treatment. So, while I am no good with narcotics and need lots of anti nausea, we figured this out long ago and they compensated just fine. There was a little tension prior to surgery. Dr. Snider had told me I could take the baby with me, but then the nurse told me pathology needed him. I told Dr. Snider, and he fought the lab who were insisted I come back for baby Tuesday. The nurse was clearly worried they would forget and dispose. Doctor said basically, look, I have done this before. Take a sample now. Do what you need from this, but she is taking the baby now. He clarified again we weren't looking for any testing, only whatever may be required by the hospital.

As a result, we brought our baby home. The container looked like a small margarine container, solid white and in then that was in a bag. We were told the refrigerator or freezer would be best, and since we had an empty freezer in our garage that is where we stored the baby. I snuck out to the garage at least a few times since to kiss the baby while I am able.

I continued to not be that upset. My mom had made us dinner, and taken care of the boys during the surgery. My dad had driven me, and dh came for all he could (before, during, and then left after the doctor came to talk to him). His work is so nuts and stressful. Ugh.

My in laws had plans to come in town for the weekend before they knew. In fact, I told her only that morning before my surgery. We were glad they were still coming and she helped a lot with kids and cleanup. We enjoyed their company and distraction and they loved on the boys.

Recovery went very well. I have continued to have very little bleeding, and only wore a pad the first day of surgery. One ob/gyn told me the little bleeding was due to him cauterizing my cervix. I wonder if this obgyn did the same? I must have had decent IV meds that lasted, because I didn't feel raw and sore inside until Sunday morning. It lasted about 24-36 hrs and was alright with a few ibuprofen.

We told Charlie and AJ that we were pregnant and the baby had died Saturday morning. It was short and sweet. After we gave them stuffed animals for their Valentines. They handled it well. Charlie, later when he was hungry and crabby, commented he didn't like the name (which has changed now). He said he wanted a girl, and also wanted the baby to be named Jack. We explained why it was important to us to have him be Gerard, then I got the idea that Charlie could provide the middle name (we didn't give any of our losses middle names). He didn't think Jack sounded good as a middle name, he thought about Seven, and finally settled on Nike. I looked it up and it means victory, which is fitting. I will explain why in another post.

Saturday day Charlie has his last basketball game for winter season. Dh is coaching, which is awesome. No one there knew, and it was pretty normal. My in laws were great, but I can't say it didn't get a little awkward with them this weekend. First, they are Lutheran. They have very similar beliefs to us if you go with one of their subjects, the other is into women priests (American? I don't know...) However, I said something about purgatory (not in relation to our babies, but us) and realized too late I hit on a difference. I just held my tongue when FIL said it wasn't in the bible and Jesus dying on the cross was all that was needed. Sigh. I didn't have it in me to get into it. It only got more awkward from there when FIL asked why the heck we didn't put my eggs with dh's sperm in a surrogate. So I had to explain (on my own, dh was somewhere else) that it was against our belief system because it separates creation of child from the act, that it wouldn't fix our problem, that it is costly, that it often leads to weeding out of fertilized embryos, that it didn't have particularly high rates of success. And that we were just plain done when it came to a bio child. Dh and I agree we are glad they are comfortable enough to ask, so that the silver lining.

We asked about my SIL that is ttc since married (her dh was married before and had a child and then a vasectomy that they reversed last Sept). I know she is sad with each month passing. She emailed us and said she was sorry about our loss, and then could she host a weight loss home based business party in our house? She would call us tonight. Um, not now, but thanks. We are a bit overwhelmed with everything at the moment. She said they are moving on to IVF if they don't get pregnant soon on their own. (dh and sibling were all raised Catholic-dad was Catholic and mom was Lutheran. Dad passed when dh, oldest, was 12. Mom remarried Lutheran 5 yrs later. all local family is Lutheran. Sister doesn't attend church anymore. Dh went to RCIA when met me and got confirmed before proposing. His other brother found God during NA, but since moving closer to us he has stayed clean but hasn't attended a church).

We went ahead and did our annual tradition for Valentine's day (we at the fancy restaurant dh proposed to me in. For much more fun reading see my post from after the fact here) but made it an early night. Happy to see that night Gaffigan is coming to town this summer, so fun to think ahead when things will be lighter around here.

Sunday, when I started feel raw, I also started feeling a little snappy. I hadn't heard from Fr. Mike about a funeral date, and had expected to Saturday. I saw Fr. Edward after mass, and it was clear that Fr. Mike hadn't talked to him yet. Which left it on me to tell him the baby was for sure gone, had surgery, waiting to hear from Fr. Mike re prayer service in response to all his specific questions I wasn't expecting to answer in the lobby. I lost it. Poor father. And dh came running up because he was over talking to someone else. Sometimes it hits me when I don't expect it, you know? I lost it again walking out of church, big sobs.

Fr. Gerard called Sun pm. After being in Phillipines for a family matter, he had been on retreat. He is back and talked to Fr. Mike. We find out he will do the service Ash Wed at noon (prayer service-a mass would be too long for dh to miss work over lunch) and committal at the grave site. Fr. Edward wants to come as well, which is incredibly sweet, so he was able to switch masses with the head priest (Fr. Mike) to cover his ash Wed lunch mass so we can do this. Everyone is being incredibly sweet and accommodating. Of course, it is going to be insanely cold on Wed...we decided not to pull kids from school to attend. We will take them to the grave when the headstone is done to see where he is.

Monday and Tuesday my oldest was off school, which was awesome. I took AJ to preK for half day Monday (they are always open because they do aftercare for school age) so C could have a play date. When I turned on the tv, it jumped to Horton from last night, the boy asked if that was for AJ. Charlie very matter of factly explained that our baby died, his name was Gerard, I got to name his middle name, and we watched the movie in honor of him because a person is a person no matter how small. Wow. I didn't see that all spilling out. So I emailed his mom and explained and apologized. I had told Charlie before, but reiterated it's okay to talk about it, and if you are feeling sad it is best to seek out a grown up you trust.

My friend who thought her daughter may have down syndrome or some other trisomy that might result in a still born got her amnio results Monday. The immediate results said none of those, so they are waiting the rest of the results to come in. Thank you for praying for her.

Monday, I called the funeral home and they said it wasn't too late to add a middle name to the stone, so Nike it is. Regarding the funeral today, none of my family is coming. And while I said I don't care and thought I meant it, I really do care. I am trying to be charitable about it and not judge the reasoning, but am mostly hurt by my mom (whose reasoning was she was baby-sitting KT, now KS's son). As if no one else can do that. And my dad as well, who didn't seem to think it was necessary to rely to my invitation at all. I really can't say anything to my dh or sisters about it or it fuels an ongoing issue where they feel defensive of me...I completely know friends would come if we asked, I have the most incredible IRL friends and online support so it isn't that. I decided before I invited my family that all I need there for me is dh. He is enough. And so if they want to come for them, no problem. But my mom-it hurts a little.

Tuesday we ran a ton of errands (including picking up the baby's container), and also did some donating to a great organization for foster care and kid's at risk for being removed. I am so proud of my boys, who gave their sleeping bags to kids that have no beds (7 kids in a double wide trailer, no money, plus lice now to boot. The girls are getting bullied for their clothes-please pray for them!)

Today my day began with a rosary for a young man my age, dad of 4 (including a newborn) that has colon cancer. Please keep him in your prayers. I was able to go to the early mass, so now I need to prepare for the funeral. Thank you again for all your support and prayers.


stacym88 said...

I continue my prayers for you. I know God is giving you the strength you need. Hugs!

Joy Beyond the Cross said...

((Hugs)) J - praying for you today. Off to Church this afternoon. I will light a candle for you then. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious Gerard Nike.

Amazing Life said...

Praying for you J. I trust that God has beautiful plans for your family!

Conceiving Hope said...

Praying for you today. My birthday is February 12th and I often pray to St. Gerard for our infertility...so I just wanted you to know that I will always remember to keep YOUR sweet baby Gerard Nike in my prayers. Hugs to you this Ash Wednesday.

prayerfuljourney said...

hugs and prayers for you as well...I'm just catching up on reading posts...God bless you through this difficult time.

Lucky as Sunshine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lucky as Sunshine said...

Prayers for you during this. Praying to Gerard Nike.. for intercession.

the misfit said...

I've been praying for you. I'm so, so sorry about all of this. I cannot imagine the level of emotional exhaustion, truly. I will keep praying.

Stephanie @ Blessed to Be said...

Continued prayers. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this again. Gerard Nike will be remembered fondly. <3

Bekah B said...

You are always in my prayers.