Tonight I am grieving with a friend. I think I mentioned that I am pregnant at the same time as 3 friends. One is from out of town, where IF brought us together because we share the same two doctors; she and I have children that are close in age; due the same day as the first is another friend in town that I know through my husband-they suffered two miscarriages at the same time as us and have a son just a few months older than ours; and a third, our son's godparents who live just down the street. They have 2 children already, including one girl that is Charlie's age. She was the one that was the least far along. I was going to watch her children Friday while she went to have an ultrasound. However, in a cruel twist of fate, she lost the baby over the last few days while she was out of town.
In one fell swoop, her innocence about pregnancy is gone. It has been replaced with fear. Fear to get pregnant again, fear it will happen again, that it will become secondary infertility. The ignorance was bliss. I never wanted her to share the pain, to know what a miscarriage felt like. Of the 4 pregnant, 3 with a history of IF and miscarriage, she is the one that won't get to hear her baby's heartbeat Fri. She, instead, had to experience things she shouldn't have ever known-the fear of losing a pregnancy out of town, away from your doctor, the calls where the doctor on call tries to explain the difference between a normal amount of bleeding and hemorrhaging that would require a visit to the ER. She has to be reminded everytime she wipes and see blood. She has to go in for hcg levels to see the numbers fall instead of rise. She hadn't really ever had to pay attention to hcg levels before. I wish she still didn't.
I can't believe today that I had to send my third "I am sorry you miscarried" card this month. I think I have mentioned before that I am surrounded by those with IF and miscarriage. I wasn't kidding! The three that have lost children this month, I am so sad for them! One was blissfully ignorant and conceived a much desired honeymoon baby. One couple tried and tried and sought help through a local good Catholic doctor and finally conceived only to lose the baby. And now this one. She hadn't really told anyone yet. She would have been 6 weeks today. Consequently she only has a few folks praying for her. I am asking all of you to pray for her, and these 2 other women, that they can heal, that they can hope again and leave fear behind, that they may hold their own beautiful children in their arm sometime soon.
I am on the journey we are all called to-to accept God's will and perfect love. Whether I am white knuckling it with my eyes shut tight or standing up with my arms outstretched enjoying the ride, I try always to let God be the driver and not bail out the side when there are bumps (like IF!). On good days, I trust He won't run me into a tree. :)
