Bad Things Do Happen to Good People-and it's okay

So Sunday's readings focused on Job and the homily was why bad things happen to good people. I think it was good for dh to be reminded.And thankfully, it looks like he is going to get the job he applied for (after 5 long years of looking). And it looks to be a perfect match. If he hadn't gotten the job, I think he may have entered a very dark depression. There is only so much one person can take. It was nice to have something to be happy about. After mass, I let Fr. Edward (who did the blessing of the throats on me) know what is happening with the baby.

My mom had told me my little sister (KT-now KS) is mad at God for me. So I decided to write her a message. I wrote: I wanted to let you know I am okay. Really. You saw me on the worst day. I am at peace. My faith carries me. We can talk about it sometime, but I am definitely not mad at God. Not at all. I know how much you hate this for me. I do. and I appreciate that. Sometime we will talk more about it. I don't want you to think it's an off limits topic or you can't talk to me about the losses for fear of making me sad. I don't mind talking about my babies-living or in heaven. The goal of life isn't happiness, though there is certainly joy along the way. The goal of life is heaven. As a mother, that's the ultimate goal for my children. And so, as with every person that loses someone, I selfishly want them here. But as you well know, selfishness has no place in parenting. We give everything of ourselves for our children. I gave this baby life. God allowed dh and I a hand in co-creating this child. This brought me immense joy! And my faith tells me my lap will be full in heaven with all 7 of my beautiful babies one day! That blows my mind. I don't know why 4, likely five, were taken so soon. But I do trust God. Unlike our earthly father, our Heavenly Father is perfect. And He only desires good for me. His goal is for me to get to heaven too, and I know my babies are one of those ways. I also know the good that has come from our journey. The closeness of dh and I, the strengthening of our faith, teaching our children about loss and life and the goal of life and leading them by example. But maybe most of all using our story to teach others about God's plan, about authentic healthcare and such. We have a mutual mission that has come out of our story. It has helped make us who we are. I know you can empathize (my sister lost her fiancee and only recently remarried her best friend).  God hasn't finished our tory yet. He might have adoption and fostering in our future. I am excited to see what is next. Even death is not the end of our story. That is what our faith has taught us. I love you!" She replied saying if that was my worst, wow, and how my faith is inspiring and she is proud of me. How we will talk more when I am not in the middle of it and how she will pray for a miracle. I replied and let her know that I didn't actually mean when I saw her I was at my worst, but that day, and that I the worst was hyperventilating sobs on the floor of my closet after the level was returned at 9 and then I told her about the homily since she has brought up the why do bad things happen to good people question. It was good, and just another example of how God uses our story to open doors that wouldn't normally be there. My sister doesn't attend church and her baby is unbaptized. She wasn't married in a church. So I am grateful for the conversation.

Today started with another rosary (AJ keeps asking to go!) and Chaplet of Divine Mercy in the adoration chapel. Keep in mind him asking to go doesn't mean he prays it or is particularly reverent. But he is reasonably quiet. Even if the crucifix on the rosary becomes an airplane short term. :) I dropped him at preK and noticed the Feb bible quote was Phillipians 4:6-7 (Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving make your request known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.)  Next I went to mass. It was about healing again. You know where my faith fails? I fail to really beg God for a miracle and make that request known to Him. Even though I know He is capable. I just don't really doubt what He has chosen for the outcome I guess. And maybe it's too painful.

I had my scan at 11am. I was a little surprised she could still measure the heartbeat at such a low rate (50's). They may be able to see it later, but they won't be able to measure it any lower. Unless I hear differently I will keep the scan and appt with doctor on Monday. I didn't see him today. The ultrasound tech said "I hate you have to wait until there is no heartbeat to do anything." I replied "I don't mind, it leaves room for God." Not everyone in the office is as pro life as my doctor.

I have been thinking a lot about natural miscarriage versus D&C. I don't like to do a D&C with every one, but it has been about every other. It's the easy way out, and I don't mind. Somethings are okay to be easy. It means less uncertainty of when and where, and will I be at home with the kids and able to care for them. I means less fear, will I see the baby like last time? I was so unprepared and wasn't happy with the outcome. However, I don't recall the instructions. I may not be able to swim after. We have an overnight hotel booked with an indoor water park for March 1st with the boys. I want to be in the water with them. So that might factor in as well. I emailed dr. Toth. If he thinks infection will be worse as a result, I won't do it. I don't want to feed the monster.

I have thoughts about our next steps with kids too. I am mulling it all over. It may seem soon, but it helps. I will save those thoughts for another post when I can think more clearly.

Oh, and our DCF visit is tomorrow. She has to come to my home and watch me interact with my 4 yr old. Awkward. I decided we will play Bonopoly Jr (his pronunciation). It is adorable, highly entertaining, and something we do regularly. Maybe that will make it less awkward. :)

My Own Version of Hell-Updated Twice

Excuse the dramatics, it's been one hell of a 24 hrs.

A moment ago the local ob/gyn's nurse called with my progesterone level. (Recall I have no PPVI levels this entire pregnancy because no lab would ship. However, I found a lab that will ship recently and will do a draw tomorrow). Normally non-Hilgers labs are worthless because the range of normal is incredibly wide due to lab variability. Unfortunately my lab was so incredibly shitty, it even picked up on their radar as very low. I was a 9. I was on the max of progesterone in oil shots on top of HCG injections. Nine. I called PPVI almost hyperventilating I was so upset (so yes, my peace just flew out the window at my first number. I am so weak!). I wanted to know if they would say the number was worthless. They didn't. Stephanie got on and said how sorry she was. She may have said this isn't for sure. That nine was maybe more like a ten or eleven and that babies can survive. I don't know. My head was spinning. What she wasn't saying was the number was totally worthless. So I sobbed harder.  My doctor didn't, to my disappointment, move up my Mon scan. I think they thought they were being humane and letting it play out longer to avoid limbo land after a scan. But guess what? I live in limbo land. so the absolute worst case scenario is the scan is inconclusive, and I have to...you guessed it wait until Monday. Like I am already doing. I called the nurse back and left a message asking her to call in a scan to the place across the street that does them all day long-day and night. I have been there before, even though they prefer their office (their lady only works Mon and Wed). So there is that. But that, friends is just one of two major stressors today. Update-the nurse said I can get scanned today after talking to the doctor so I will go in and let you know when I hear anything. Update: I was scanned and the baby's heartbeat was 79. The growth was a six days behind. This is the beginning of the end.

(for anyone who might doubt I look like I am showing. This is what being a narrow size 4 with 6 pregnancies under your belt looks like with number 7. The body just knows what to do I guess!)

Last week for the first time ever, I left my 4 yr old in a car with a window cracked and locked in front of our church school, across the street from my church and preschool. Not a main road. Not an obscure road. A road in the middle of my people. For two minutes. I literally mean 120 seconds or less. I called ahead for my 6 yr old to be pulled for a doc appt. They usually have him in the office, but he wasn't quite there. But close. He clearly had coat and bag together and just had to be walked two doors down. As I walked out, a women held the door for me and it was clear she was coming in for me. She was a DCF worker (Dept of Children and Families). I got a verbal warning. That was Thursday. My brother in law works in foster care, so I asked him if I should be concerned (other than the fact that my husband may kill me. He is 100 times more safety concerned than I am, and to say I am lax would be laughable. My 4 and 6 yr old have never been outside alone (front or back). They have never not held a hand for two seconds or rode without carseats. We don't take risks. Except me, this day, this way. For the first time. And even then I had a twinge of "should I have done that?" that I ignored because I am constantly babying AJ because he is my youngest.  Please-keep in mind. I have my PhD in education. I am a part time worker and a full time mom. I am room mother, volunteer, party planner, up at the schools all the time, everyone knows me. To make matters more laughable, as I was getting Charlie the next day and a friend (who is very very conscientious) asks if AJ is in the car. No, I said, I never leave him in the car for school pickup. He was at preK. Oh, she said, I leave Conner all the time. He never wants to come in. So I say, funny story, and go on to mortify the hell out of her.

Which takes us to last night when my dh brings a pamphlet off the front porch which is titled "why you are being investigated." It has a social workers card on the back that says "call me." How he didn't look further, I don't know. But I hid it (he has a huge job interview Sat am he is flying out for-5 people for 4 hrs-and he doesn't need the stress) and texted my brother in law that said, " I am sorry. Just do whatever they ask and don't act like you don't need what they offer." Humble. Very humbling.
I tell a friend and she had been just that moment prior to our call meditating on Exodus14:14 which basically says God will fight for me and I am to stay still. Very appropriate. So I kept it all to myself, knowing I would call the social worker back Fri so that dh would be at work and he wouldn't be able to talk to her until he returned.

So that brings us to today. So I drop Charlie off, take AJ to a rosary and divine mercy chaplet in the adoration chapel and head to bible study. Then I assist in the atrium for CGS like I do every Thursday. Totally sounds like someone that beats her kids, right?  Well, she called while I was out and then she called my husband when she didn't reach me. I didn't know this until I called her back. She told me that it was submitted and that she visited Charlie at school Tues and AJ Wed. What the what? And neither the school or my kids said a word?! I answered her questions satisfactory and my kids answer matched, and she said she would talk to dh and then close the case stating the claims were unsubstantiated. Good! I text dh and said not to call her, I had it covered and hoped it would suffice.

Then I got the progesterone result and called PPVI. Then he called and I pulled it together, miraculously, but he still wanted to know why she called and at least at that point I could say it was going to be okay. He was not happy. And I didn't want to add to his stress! But I lost it and he was clear there was more than that, so he got the whole kitten caboodle right before he went into the rest of his long day during his busiest time. Where he is going to come home and prep and then do it all again tomorrow only to fly out.

So then I called the preK and explained because only God knows what they were thinking (they said that it was a mistake!) and now I get to do the same at the Elementary. I will not be embarrassed of this, but rather use it as a teaching moment for others. So that is how my day has gone so far. Someone is going to have to commit me because I am not that strong. I asked God to make me a saint. I don't know what the heck I was thinking with that one!

Friday update: Today was a full non-working day. I went to rosary/divine mercy chaplet at adoration, then mass. Then I went into Elementary school and explained the situation with DCF to the counselor who will share it with others at my request. I went ahead and got the blood draw for progesterone and the new lab mailed it to PPVI. I got the shots from the doctor since dh was at work at that point (and leaving on a plane for a big interview after work. Please please please pray he gets this job!). I went to lunch with my mom, rested 30 min and took a shower. I got ready and even put lipstick on. I felt better. I got my kids and held them close! We snuggled with take out and watched a movie. I devoured a pounder of almond M&M's. It's 8:30pm Fri and I am in my pjs about to watch Grey's Anatomy (don't judge, I never stopped watching...). And you know what? I am okay? I only cried a few times today talking to people. They were eyes well up with tears not gut wrenching hyperventilating sobs like yesterday. My mom told me at lunch that my sister is upset for me. Defensive of me and mad at God for allowing this when she prayed so hard. And I defended God to my mom. I am not mad at Him. I trust Him. I asked for His will this whole time. And I stand by that. I am okay because he allows me to be okay through His grace. Thank you for your prayers, everyone!

Heart Beats, But Slow-Updated

Updated: I forgot to mention earlier that I had a nice surprise today. I wasn't going into mass today, but decided to last minute even though I would be a few minutes late. It was the Feast of St. Blaise and they did the blessing of the throats and asked for his intercession for all healing. So glad I was there, and also that I got to share with Fr. Edward our story afterwards.

Thank you for all for your concern and prayers. It was a "wait and see" sort of appointment today, rather than the strong heartbeat we were hoping to hear (that we had heard earlier than this date with both our living boys). There was a heartbeat and a lot of growth since last week, so that is excellent news. However the heartbeat itself was on the low side. We had one loss that had a heartbeat this early, and it was also low (75-along with other indications things weren't going well like HCG that didn't double). We didn't get an exact measurement on the heartbeat as the doc scanned me and not the ultrasound tech (who isn't in on Tues). So we were unable to see if this baby's heart was stronger than the baby we lost. It would have also been helpful to measure the baby, since every baby we lost showed growth well behind their dates. But he was unable to provide that level of detail. I go back next Monday to be scanned by the tech. So we are grateful for what we have thus far, but continue to be in wait mode. Hopefully Monday we will get the sigh of relief we need. God still surrounds me with peace, and I know your prayers have a lot to do with that. We know we are doing everything we can, and the rest is left to God!

I Asked For a Miracle

Through the grace of God, I got through another week. The pregnancy is not far from my mind ever, but I am not all doom and gloom 24/7. I go on with life. I get distracted by potty training and other parts of our daily life. And I know I couldn't be doing that if it weren't for all the amazing holy people lifting me up in prayer. I am not perfect. There was a lot of shortness of breath this week between my cold and being pregnant. I suppose I sort of resented the pregnancy symptom, given I didn't see it was getting me any closer to a baby in my arms. But I felt much better after I remembered to offer it up for Jelly Belly, along with other bloggers the month of Feb through Adopt a Blogger hosted by TCIE! She also got some sleepless nights and a good seven hours in the bathroom on Saturday potty training AJ. And every single cold symptom misery. So at least it was going for something.

As my appt today got closer, the feelings came closer to the surface. When dh hugged me a little tighter, or told me he loved me, or snuggled up close to me in bed last night, I knew each time he was thinking of the ultrasound and it got me close to tears each time.

I dropped the children off at their godparents while I worked today and received a call from the doctor. The ultrasonographer's child was sick. Would I like to reschedule for Wed or next Monday. Um, you're kidding right? Neither. I firmly, but politely told her I would happily go across the street like I did last Tuesday on her day off. And so she said a nurse would call me. The nurse had no problem making the changed and so I sighed with relief knowing that I wasn't going to have to wait a few more days or worse, a week! Today I managed to stay busy with work until about an hr before my appt when the anxiety was getting the best of me and I began to rethink my going to the appt alone. My mom probably could have gone, and though we are super close, I recognize that she doesn't know what to say in these situations and for me, I just get irritated unnecessarily and take it out on her. And feel worse. I expect her to know things she couldn't possibly know. And so, even though its mostly my fault, I was afraid I would feel worse, not better. My best friend was out of town. Dh is working long hrs as this is his busiest time. My little sister, so proud, has a new full time job interpreting. It's just me. So I did what any sane person would do. I fb a blogger friend that was online and asked for prayers. And then I put a prayer request for a special intention as my fb status, to which 90% of the awesome people that replied were blogger friends. Who says strangers can't be the best of friends? Not me!  I even got an email from Andrea telling me she was thinking about me. I love you guys so much!

So what exactly was my prayer? And what was I so afraid of to my core? It's hard to explain. It wasn't exactly fear over losing the baby. The numbers already told the story. It was more like fear of waiting. Of it being drawn out. Of falling in love, of daring to hope, only to have it end up the same. Yes, it was almost harder to leave room for God. That unknown space to allow Him to work, no matter what that meant. That was where I was fearful. I have to admit something. Sometimes I have trouble praying. I don't have trouble being honest with God, being raw, and being weak. I do have trouble hoping for a miracle. My thought was, yes, of course God could provide a miracle. But why? Why would he? I know plenty more worthier than I am. A miracle isn't likely. If God wanted to perform one, he would and could. But I didn't need to ask. He knew. Plus, I just need to accept the facts and move on. Why make it more difficult with...hope? But last night or the night before as I was drifting off to sleep, I did something brave for me. A thought came into my head. Why not me? What was special about the people Jesus performed miracles for? They asked. They were bold and brave and dared to hope. They asked. And so I did it. As fearful as I was that it meant hope. And it meant uncertainty. Letting go of control and believing there was something to it besides the numbers. I asked. I begged. I pleaded. I was bold and brave. And I asked God for a miracle. Just because. For good measure, I also asked for the intercession of Fulton J. Sheen. I read a blog where there was a miracle being investigated that was attributed to Fulton J. Sheen. I had a little chuckle to myself, as I imagined us being bonded over our miracles. You know, so many of you prayed for a miracle for me. Used those exact words. You pray when I can't. There are no words for how grateful I am. Thank you for lifting me up.

As I got in the car to drive to the appt, I heard 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redmand.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul, Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul, I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning. It's time to sing Your song again. 
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes

This song has meaning for me, as my friends brother (a young father of three) died of cancer, and he went singing this song literally. So joyful. I thought of him and how he already knows how the story unfolds.

It was finally time for the ultrasound. As I laid there silently rolling my eyes because they start with an abdominal ultrasound (I am such a know it all! And so often wrong! And yet it doesn't stop me!), I stop short because I see a sac. And two things inside. It was the yolk sac, and a fetal pole. As she turns on the heartbeat I start sobbing. She kindly asked if I was happy or upset, knowing my situation and the roller coaster of emotions I was on. And you know what I said because I am such a horrible spoiled brat? I said upset. Because a heartbeat to me, in that moment, mean hope. And hope meant pain. An inevitable outcome, just a more drawn out one. Lord knows how weak I truly am!

However, every second that passed I did better. It didn't hurt that the baby measured 6 days bigger than my last ultrasound which was six days prior. I am 8 weeks on Wed and the baby measured 6 weeks 2 days, so certainly still behind, but go figure it took some numbers to encourage me and not my God. I have so far to go! Another number encouraged me further. The heartrate measured 109, very on point for a baby measuring 6 weeks 2 days. Granted, even next week it should be in the normal range of 130 ish, but it wasn't the 80 of my last pregnancy (a virtual death sentence per my ultrasound tech). She said she worries if its under 90. So next week will be very telling. Can the growth continue? Will the heartbeat increase to maintain the normal range?

I got in the car with my ultrasound CD with pics and even video of the heartbeat to share with my dh. Before I was just hoping for a pic of the baby before it passed away (my only pic of Gianna, her heart had already stopped beating). It was so surreal to hold that CD. I drove about ten feet before I slumped over the wheel and sobbed. I was just so exhausted from carrying it all. I cried tears of relief to throw the book out the window and truly give it over to God. As I sobbed, I heard the song on the radio was meant for me. Blessings, by Laura Story. Specifically these verses...

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

Slowly my heart began to heal. I saw the doctor, who said just as I expected. He came in shaking his head. He asked me immediatly who I had been praying to and told me I picked a good one. I love my Catholic doctor! He said "you know, I don't write these things off. I have seen it happen before." He told me there is a 3% miscarriage rate when there is cardiac activity at 8 weeks. I asked, 8 weeks via ultrasound or my dates. He guessed via ultrasound, so still two more weeks. He didn't know of any other research or numbers that applied. Damn my weakness, always searching for comfort in the numbers when I should be searching for it in God. He left me with a hug, much better than a phone number if I started bleeding like last week.

Here is my progression of text messages so you can see how I went from pathetically weak (crying sad tears over a heartbeat) to God filling me with strength only he can provide.

"Another week of waiting...higher hopes...its scary."
"The odds just swung more in favor of life!"
"Maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay"
"All these strong women in my life! I can do this. I can be hopeful. It will be alright regardless. I won't regret being hopeful."
"I can handle it. You (my sister who's fiancee passed) have shown me strength. It's in me too. I can put it on the line and hope. Even if it doesn't work out, it's worth it. I won't regret loving this baby."
"Why not a miracle for us? We will see and survive what life throws us."
"Yes, I have got this. Won't regret hoping."

So there it is. Regardless of outcome, we received a miracle. Six days growth in six days on a baby that didn't even go up 40 points (of 700) in four days. A heartbeat of 109. And me letting go and daring to hope, despite what the hcg levels told us time and time again.

So without further ado, my baby.

And the beautiful visual of his or her heartbeat.

St. Valentine's to St. Patrick's Day

Omg-so relieved-not ectopic, saw sac and yolk sac, fetal pole and HEARTBEAT-119 bpm-best day ever! We are having a baby! Thanks for prayers, everyone!!!

I want to apologize for all the drama.  I promise I wasn't trying to stir anything up, I really am not like that, I just get so caught up in the day to day and put probably too much stock in the numbers.  I am sorry to pull you through my roller coaster of emotions, but as I said before, I am glass half full from here on out!  I know things can still happen, but the numbers are on my side from here on out and I would rather enjoy every day than worry.  So here we are.  Planning for another baby and just so amazed at this miracle!  God is so good!

You guys are most awesome prayer warriors!  Seriously, when I was having trouble spending a lot of time in  prayer, I knew you were lifting me up when I couldn't.  That is such a great feeling.  Thank you so much! 

Med log 9.26.08-9.29.08

Fri, 9.26.09, 39 w 3 days, I had an extra appt thinking my water may have broke in the night, Thurs, so wanted to be safe and not sorry.  Also Thurs pm I had a small drop of blood.  Fri pm I started lost my mucus plus.  Heartrate was 150s and ultrasound still showed good fluid, mostly on the left.  I was 80% effaced and still 2 cm.  I was uncomfortable during my exam by the on call doc.

Mon, 9.29.09, Feast of the archangels-I had hoped to give birth, but no such luck.  God's timing, not ours....