Offering it Up and Trust *updated

Its been an exhausting last seven days, both mentally and physically.  I have had plenty to offer up for those still waiting. 

• 3 hcg draws, one of these included the prog draw-yes, I stuck with my plan and let go after this despite having access to more.  I almost caved once, but I stayed strong.  I don't need the drama.  My baby is in God's hands and no amount of information is going to change the outcome.  It just gives me the illusion of control and I don't need it.  Freedom!
• 8 2 cc progesterone in oil shots (mine is free through insurance but less strong so I have to get 4 cc's each time, so two in each hip)-1 of those shots was the most painful thing in my life as dh was taking awhile to psych himself up and the anticipation was killing me.  I moved, literally I could not control it, and he hit a nerve when he went in.  At least that is what the nurse thinks happened based on what followed: it felt like he hit a bone and the pain shot down from hip to ankle.  Insert uncontrollable sobs and dh and I are both traumatized for life! 
• 3 peripherial IVs (just the regular kind).  Yes, three.  I got one in on Friday because Dr. Hilger's nurse didn't specify a mid line so they weren't set up to do it. I guess my home health agency contracts out and they no longer had a provider so they needed a local doc to rewrite the script so a hospital would take it.  My local ob/gyn would be willing, but was out of town until Monday and then in surgery until Monday afternoon.  At that time he called in a mid line and the only time they would do it was Wednesday morning, which of course was when the funeral was.  Since I get it out next Monday, I said to forget it after I was told the regular IV could last that long and they were allowed as the standards of care have changed. That was before it got puffy and bled and had to be changed.  And then a few days later (Thursday morning), I ripped it out on accident by catching my tubing on the drawer handle.  Not good.  It's a miracle it lasted that long with boys and it being so low on my wrist, but of course we wanted to avoid the elbow.  Each time they replaced it higher and I was worried I was running out of arm space since they can't go above the elbow (veins too deep), so yesterday I called and said I would do a midline if they could get me in yesterday afternoon (Thursday) or Friday morning. Any later and it wouldn't be worth it-it comes out Monday
• 3 shots of lidocaine, a mid line, and stitches.  So they put the midline in this morning.  At the hospital.  First time I had it done this way and the experience was not a good one.  I am not kidding you, probably third worst pain of my life behind childbirth on pitocin pre epidural and dh hitting the nerve during the poi shot.  I went in thinking it would be quick and easy so I went alone.  It was definitely "a procedure" like they kept referring to it.  The hospital had more regulations than home health had to follow.  For example, they didn't use an xray to place (like with a PICC line), but the doc took several xrays during to check the placement.  I was not confident he knew what he was doing.  It was clear home health could do them blindfolded.  I was not a fan of having an xray pregnant and definitely not multiple ones.  The baby was shielded but still.  Why did these folks have shields on their throat and yet I had nothing but the shield on the baby?  I was not liking that fact one bit.  Or the five people required for the procedure-nurses, ultrasound tech, the doc, someone monitoring my stats in a room I could see through a window.  It was kind of freaky.  I was grateful my bloodpressure never really seemed affected so I was definitely dwelling in the peace bubble. The lidocaine was not taking affect in the right spots and it was killing me.  I kept telling them and they kept giving more.  I swear he was just digging around in there forever. And in the end they sutured some covering on top it that was new to me. When they discharged me they told me I can't lift my kids, which was frustrating. I still can't lift my arm very high.  Not the experience I was expecting.  Still totally worth it. 
• *I knew I forgot something! One blood draw for multiple tests through my ob/gyn office, typical of a new pregnancy appt

So there you have it.  Twenty pokes of various degrees, all for my lovely lady friends still waiting.  That better be good for something!  Add to this the inability to go back to sleep once my kids wake me and the other ups and downs in my life and its been a little chaotic here.

Speaking of those ups and downs, I decided to go back to school to take a few classes and earn a certification.  I am doing it just a class a semester and my work pays for it as long as I am employed there.  I had to fill out crazy amounts of paperwork that continued after we learned of Tom's death.  I had to gather recommendation letters, apply as a non-degree seeking student to grad school all over again, and even submit a transcript b/c evidently my school doesn't talk to my own school.  I also filled out paperwork to get my fees waived and paperwork to get the class covered.  Classes paid for isn't a given, so I was grateful it was approved this week even though I was past the deadline (I didn't miss the deadline out of error, I simply didn't decide to go back until 2 weeks ago and turned out the deadline was three weeks passed). I also met my mentor at the University that is coming from another college.  I prayed she would be picked as the new candidate and choose to accept and was so pleased it all worked out that way.  Since I have three degrees from the same university I work for, I need new experiences without changing schools.  She is a dream come true for me, and we met and hit it off.  I knew it was a good match before, but she was speaking to a large group back then and so she had to come to the same conclusion I did.  I was worried because I was rolling in pregnant, with an IV, and dealing with Tom's death, but it all turned out okay.  I wasn't too crazy, she was sympathetic, and she even told me she had IF and wish they could've had more kids than just the two.  She said it was the best time of her life and her son's name is Nathan, which means God has Given.  I was able to share the meaning behind my kid's names as well.  So all that is good news.  The bad news is taking a class depends on working at the university, and I found out yesterday that the grant I work on wasn't refunded.  I work on soft money and I have no idea what the plan is after September.  We are working on it.  There is a grant out that we would find out Sept. 29 and begins on Oct 1, but I need some contingency plan!  If I start a class and get let go or less than half time, I have to pay it back.  I am not interested in paying another $1k toward school.  We don't have it, and the appeal to it all is that it is free.  That is the only time this week I temporarily left my peace bubble. Possibly not having a job FREAKS ME OUT!  But as I write this, I am not anxious and I do honestly feel it will all work out so hopefully the freak out was just my initial reaction.  It will work out.  It always does.  God brought me to this, I know it, and so He will get me through it, as they say.  So back to trusting in the wheelbarrow and letting God drive.   So many opportunities to trust.  I continue my St. Raphael novena for healing, and I just realized I need to go back to saying my favorite Holy Spirit prayer on my main page.  Check it out if you haven't already.  It will change your life to say it and mean it.  Love to you all!  Please continue prayers for my sister.  Also, Monday is the ultrasound to check for a heartbeat at 6weeks 5 days.  Hoping and praying we hear that sweet sound!