This week is why I am in therapy!

I have been meaning to get on here and talk to y'all all week long!  I just couldn't believe it unfolding and needed your input. Things didn't slow down long enough for me to get online, but I can now give you the story in hindsight.

You would think I would have learned my lesson with the miscarriage, but I am still mostly doing observations after and not before wiping. I am not on clomid, so in that sense it is not the same last the miscarriage cycle. We did bd more than normal (isn't TMI the name of my blog? No? It should be.), though like last time, I thought we avoided just fine given what I saw. I still am not charting every night, just on days I actually see something. So, again, I was left going "shouldn't my period have been here by now?" Well as soon as that feeling hit again, I ran up to my computer and updated my charting. P+16. I have never gotten that far and not been pregnant. I tested. Negative.  Two days later-negative. Two day later-negative. I was a bit panicky at that point given my history-3 miscarriage and short luteal phase unmedicated (like 10 days) without meds. I thought through the options. If I  randomly ovulated on my own (I have never been pregnant not on Clomid, I have LUFS), I could be pregnant and the hcg isn't registering because it is so low and not doubling properly. If it isn't registering by now, I kept telling myself, I am miscarrying. I knew there were two other options besides this one. I could have a new issue. Or it could be something randomly wrong related to the miscarriage and just affecting this cycle. Of course, I am a realist, or so I think, so I was aware of the other two scenarios, but each day that passed I realized that it was bothering me more than I was letting on. I think it was P+18 that I called Dr. Hilger's office and left a message. On peak +19, I called again and they let me talk to someone directly.  She informed me it was VERY common for D&C/miscarriage cycle to do this so she thought Dr. Hilgers would script progesterone to start my period. Very relieving to here to the point I cancelled my quant hcg with my local ob/gyn. Does anyone know if this is a shot or what?  how much? I have progesterone in oil at home.  Of course, annoyed that Dr. Hilger's nurse, at Peak plus 21ish still hasn't called me back to tell me what to do.  And then yesterday, guess what? Peak type again. WTH? Is that normal that when you don't have a period you just go round and round?  I should ask Stacy C., Stacy if you don't answer, I am texting you in a day or so! :)

So that was stressful event one.  Stressful event #2 was not having my chromosone study back. They estimated thirty days. I called at 4 weeks and at 5 weeks. At 5 weeks 2 days we found out we miscarried a typical baby girl. We felt it was a girl. We named her a girl's name before we knew we would be able to know the gender. I wanted it to be a girl so those feelings were right. That was my first thought when I found out, just as we suspected. And then the next thought was such sadness.  Our daughter.  Our only daughter confirmed. Dh was also saddened. "I really wanted a girl" was what he said. My heart aches for him.

Today I was devastated to find out my dad's followup on his back and surgery (it has been about 10 months that my dad has been living with a broken back. Well, living isn't the right word. He sleeps most of the time. He can't take pain meds without high doses b/c he is getting used to them so months ago he quit altogether. My dad is as far the opposite of an addict as they get.). They told him he was still risk to do the surgery, that his heart is damaged and the surgery is routine, but stressful on the heart, as is recovery (particularly the first 90 days). He has to decide. "Live" like this. Or risk not making it through the surgery. We are working on getting a second opinion, bu this is devastating. My dad and I are very close. I can't imagine life without him. He is not Catholic, or anything, but he does believe in God. He is a great dad. A great grandad. A humble and patient and very talented and interesting man. A giving person. But he fears death. He always has believed he would die young. It's like stress will kill you, so don't stress, but you might die. Anyone who thinks they might die would be stressed and want to do things in what could be their last days. I can't imagine what he is going through.  So please please please pray for him and his situation. Just peace and guidance making the right decision. My dad is bipolar and has depression, adhd, and anxiety. The state he is in right now, in bed all the time, is so depressing to him. I don't think he could live like that.  Just please join me in praying about this situation.