One mistake after another-3 to be exact

Okay. So to begin, I wasn't exactly living God's will. I mean I had always gone to church pretty regularly. And believed the church's teaching-what I knew of it. Of course, except on birth control. I mean, who believed that? I was pro-life. I ignored my own hypocrisy. I knew premarital sex was wrong. I got why the church was against it. But I was having premarital sex. Why? My standards weren't high enough. That is the truth. At the sad age of 8 I told my best grade school friend P that as nice as it sounded to wait for marriage, that was just not realistic in this day and age. So, I said, I hoped to only have sex with the man I would marry eventually. I thought that was good enough. Talk about setting a low bar for yourself! Sheesh! And I think (hope!) we can all see the problem with this slippery slope statement. When I was 19 and dating a guy for 9 months, I thought I was "ready." He was it, the one I would marry. I slept with this person and then continued to date him for another 4 years! Not because it was meant to be, because I was completely dating him with my eyes closed now that we were sleeping together. I was, for all purposes, already married in my heart! To break up with this person was like divorce! And that is why it was soooo long in coming. When it happened I knew it was the right thing to do. However, it meant facing my mistake. And I had opened Pandora's box. So guy #2-well no he wasn't it either. The sad thing was, I didn't even have the disillusion think he was! But I started to try and talk myself into the fact that he was, for example that intelligence and things in common didn't really matter. He was cute, we had fun, he treated me well. These are all good things. Sigh. Thank goodness I didn't sleep with the next serious one. Let's just say he tipped me off when he said "anyone who believes in God is f***in' idiot!" I was so offended and yet I didn't drop him on the spot....Why didn't I have higher self esteem? Anyway, when I met guy #3 there were so many great things about him. Yet he was very much in this world in how he thought about sex. I brought up the idea of waiting and he flipped and I caved after 3 months. Let's just say God had some work to do. But thank goodness He had better things in mind for me. And thank goodness He specializes in those that have fallen off the right path! God can and does write straight with crooked lines, as one of my friends often reminds me!

Why I am Here

Okay, I never thought I would do this. First of all, I don't do change well so the fact that I am on here is huge. Secondly, I enjoy reading other's blogs so much, but they always make me feel, well, shallow in comparison.  Not as witty, not as intelligent, not having anything to say worth folks reading. However, I am on a journey so many people can relate to, a journey to determine God's will in my life and carry it out. And since that journey is never ending, I hope this blog will encourage and support others on their journey, help people learn from my mistakes, and make this journey one that I explicitly reflect on and receive feedback and support on.  I think in our minds we can sometimes rationalize things and get caught up in shades of grey, but somehow writing things down on paper we start to see the situation how others' see it. In many cases (but not all) you are seeing the situation for how it really is. Naked. And very much black and white. So I thought this blog will help me look at things truthfully so I can see them for what they are and be accountable for my part in the messes I make, etc. We'll see.
But first things first. I have that song in my head "let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start." For me that means reflecting on the first time I cared what God's will was for me, when it was clear it was different than the low bar I continually had for myself. And I had some decisions to make. The nice thing about a blog (I just discovered) is not having to write the whole thing in one fell swoop (sorry, my mom has influenced me with lots of these little phrases!). I have a tendency to get overwhelmed when I look at the big picture. My mom knows this about me best, though my husband learned it quickly! I do much better when things are broken down with steps on how to get to the overall goal. This is how I try to live my life, and how I will write my blog. Which is good for another reason, the only potential problem with a blog (okay two) is: 1) I already get distracted from my work too much and feel lazy and need to work on self-discipline and 2) I already check email late night before bed and many a nights I hear my husband begging me to get off the computer and come to bed. So I will try to write in small bits, as blogs are intended and not to write like I talk (incessantly). I will continue (or have I even started it?) this story of when it all began...soon. :)