Stereotype

I am such a stereotype. There are so many things to get done, and then there is what I am really doing which is eating too much chocolate and watching too much tv, and just trying to barely maintain status quo. I mean, I am doing alright. I get done what has to get done (and that isn't nothing-AJ is teething and potty training, that in and of itself is a full time job). But nothing more. Not an ounce more. The hormone headaches are the worst. I have had three of those and they really take me to my knees.  I have been bleeding for almost a week now and I have no idea where in the process I am at. I had so much cramping on Valentine's day and that was when more of the bleeding was. I haven't seen anything I recognize. I just feel like it's dragging out. I will probably call the doc on Wednesday and check in. I think they will at least want an hcg quant to make sure my levels go down to zero. I am glad I am doing this at home, but there is definitely a level of uncertainty. I am not scared of hemorraging anymore, or doing it here with the boys alone, but I will not be a happy camper if I still need a D&C after this week. I am not saintly like that. :)

Did I mention I wrecked my car? Just because I am an idiot and I needed to be humbled even further, evidently. Imagine deciding last minute to grab a Benedict Lenten reflection book from the church bookstore. On Ash Wednesday. Pulling in the church lot only to realize mass is going on for the before work crowd. And the school lot is closed because there is school in session, it is a weekday afterall. So cars are parked practically on top of each other. Down every driving space. On both sides, down every medium, handing three feet off the end, you get the picture. Yes, if you are on fb with me you saw my bitter lecture post about parking. Cause I am subtle like that. Yeah. I hit a car. A parked car. As I turned into a narrow drive with cars parked on both sides. I tried to avoid both, but I was looking at the one that would be on my left more worried about it and clipped the one parked on my right. The one not hugging the medium and hanging three feet off the back. Now a better driver than me would have been fine. I don't mind saying that. But (don't tell my insurance people) but I don't have depth perception. As soon as I entered that parking lot terror struck me. But what could I do. I took the shortest way through to get out of there and this happened. I was slow. Cautious. But I have some limitations. Sigh. Humbling. Even more when you think I was in what I slept in. I had just run my kids into daycare. I didn't plan on seeing anyone. Let alone standing outside my church while all the people dressed up ready to go to work were coming out. Humbling. Waiting to tell someone I hit their parked car. My dad clarified (former cop) it didn't really matter how they were parked. I barely did any damage to my car and clipped their bumper. And yet...$3500 and 10 days in the shop. So yeah, we claimed it. Hubs was very supportive (yeah, I wasn't sure how that was going to go over). He kept the words to a minimum and sent me an "I love you" text a few hrs later. That meant a lot.

So today my big task was dropping off my car and getting into the rental. With two kids. In  the rain. Changing cars. And my idiot self even forgot I was supposed to do that. Stood up the rental company. After they called, we got it taken care of and that was pretty much it for my tolerance level for getting things done outside the norm. The kids didn't nap today-at all-which wouldn't be a big deal for Charlie except AJ woke everyone at six due to teething. So we all needed naps. And I had work to do. And then work came up that had to be done asap. And I did it, but with two kids yelling and crying from their beds. Charlie was almost asleep when I checked on him and that was the end of that. His light was on, so that was why I went down the hall. Really, that was all it took. Nap over. Ensue crazy hyper over tired child that doesn't mind the rest of the day. AJ was bm related. Potty training wreaks havoc on naps. He holds, he is scared to do bm, he does one in diaper in nap, you name it it often interferes. Add teething. they were both asleep early tonight, thankfully. and I proceeded to do nothing. Well, I blogged. That was something. And there should be an award for sugar consumption. Self destruction! Okay, no comments now about sorry you feel about anything. This is just me, telling you about my day. And though I appreciate the prayers, I don't think I can handle any more sad com box. So, tell me something stupid you've done, a wreck you've been in, your favorite Easter candy, what you gave up for lent. Anything. I will obsessively check comments like I always do because I love to hear from you all. And please check out a new "friend's" blog and tell me what you think. She is local to me and doing the Omaha thing. She has quite the story to tell and I am praying for healing for her! http://tryingtoletgoandletgod.blogspot.com/

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Update, Why I Think We are Here Again, and Request for Your Thoughts

Not much to say here. They had me keep my Mon ultrasound and appt. The ultrasound showed the baby was smaller and the heart had stopped beating. I focused on my two miracles in the room and got through it (my mom was my childcare, but my kids have colds and junky coughs. Since my dad has surgery on the 20th-finally for his back!-they can't get sick for fear it will delay surgery so no childcare...). The appt was uneventful. Dr. S said he typically has an opinion on D&C if you are past 10 weeks (pro), but it was really my call at this stage. There are pros and cons I discussed last time. It seems unnecessary, but kind of a like a luxury in a way, to be able to know and control things. I am trying to hold out, and just tell myself if the waiting goes on too long then I can have surgery at any time. He said he can do it a day or two from when I call, so no rush. We haven't made any definitive decision. I feel like if I can wait, that will be best. I think surgery of any kind only aggravates infection and that it would be good if I had an IV of antibiotics running for any future surgeries. That is something I want to get the recommendation on for Dr. Toth and share with Dr. Hilgers. I imagine an email to Toth (he doesn't know what is going on yet) and a conference call with Dr. Hilgers is in my future, thought I am not in any rush at this point.

An email from Simone, so sweet, prompted an idea for the remainder of this post. She had some thoughts about what had may have lead to this miscarriage (factor V). I so appreciate her time and thought on this. The more eyes and heads around it, the better! We are all experts in this from experience and necessity, so I want to propose my thoughts (as I know its hard to remember all the little details) and then I am open to anyone's feedback about what might help or what might have gone wrong. No hurry, we aren't moving forward on anything for awhile, but it might help you all to have a recap and my thoughts.

Dr. Hilgers dx all our issues immediately. Before marriage. However, back then Dr. H didn't know as much about infection. I have a mycoplasma called ureaplasma urealycticum. Also my dh has been dx with Chlamydia prior to our marriage with repeated symptoms and treatment during our marriage. Both bacteria we know are insidious and the most we can do is try to keep it under control. The two weeks of doxy abx scripted initially were inadequate. We conceived our first two babies on TEBB cycles not knowing that was our clear sign the infection was still active. After that Dr. H knew more. We did 21 days biaxin and ten days cyclically on ttc cycles. We conceived on the third cycle as all other issues were managed. We did a 10 day clindamyacin IV. We abstained the whole pregnancy. We did another IV at delivery. We had our Charlie. We did an exact repeat with AJ the second I got my cycles back post nursing, after we got meds on board and confirmed good levels. That time we went straight into cyclical Biaxin with no 21 days first and I got preg first cycle. Also we did some orals every 8 weeks BTW first and last IV. All was well. When nursing was done with AJ and cycles returned (about 13 mos) they added meds in slower. I had more cycles and time to realize endo pain was back. I had surgery in June in Omaha. Dr. H found lots of inflammation, some endo, and blocked tubes he was able to clear. Whew! He had us stay on clomid that cycle, prob to get a level that month, but we were to avoid and didn't take our Biaxin. Additionally, I had TEBB which I hadn't had since 2nd miscarriage, but Dr. H said common with surgery. Honestly surgery can really flare up and spread infection. Anyway, I was lax taking aspirin and even missed thyroid, as well as lazy out of practice charting. Imagine my concern when we got preg. Here we knew what worked but hadn't done it. Plus body still healing. We did IV but still had a loss, post heartbeat (which was late and low). This cycle we conceived we were actively trying. We were on all our meds. But, and I think this is huge, on my Biaxin the TEBB returned pre peak. Dr. H changed me to cipro for 2 weeks. Dh too. So we took it through ovulation and past to finish dose (this was safer to do) and were told we could still ttc that cycle. I had some reservations because we wouldn't be seeing another cycle to see if TEBB was cleared. But when the doc dismissed them I didn't dwell on it. We ttc and were successful on the first cycle. The initial numbers were low. The growth of hcg numbers slowed. The ultrasound showed baby behind my dates. Heartbeat came late. These are my infection signs. Without abx it would have been a faster loss. And so, given all of this, I am fairly confident we have our culprit. The infection, aggravated by surgery, also is now not as responsive to Biaxin. Maybe 21 days and then cyclically would have been better. Maybe cipro didn't work and we would have seen TEBB the next cycle? Or maybe we needed all 14 days in prior to ovulation. Every baby lost was lost on a TEBB cycle. We will take this very seriously, even more than before, and be grateful we have a clear sign. We may be off to NY to do full tx with Dr. Toth. I am not sure. I know a conference call with Dr. H is in our future. And prob the anti inflammation diet as I am big eater of carbs and sugar and we saw all that surgery inflammation. We also have a ticking clock with tubes reblocking. Lots to think about. I hope this helps give you the big picture all in one place. But as I said, I appreciate everyone's time and thought and experience. I am happy for your input and welcome any thoughts on my logic here. I think the more heads we get around this the better.

Journeying Together and Ultrasound Results

Thursday, as I was praying, I thought to google the Litany of the Saints on my phone and play it on youtube since I didn't have my ipod with me. So glad I did. I love this! These tools really help me because, I have mentioned, sometimes I have difficulty praying. It was nice to be able to call on all the saints.

Then I thought to google another one of my favorite songs, a version of the Servant Song (maybe not the one you are thinking of). The simplicity has always drawn me to it. I really found new meaning in this and really feel like our beautiful blogger community are described in this song. I am so grateful for each of you holding your hand out to me, holding Christ's light for me, and especially for weeping when I am weeping. Let's continue to share each other's joy and sorrow and be Christ to each other. It's so much better to be on this journey together!

And yet another example of how not alone I am-This email came from the PPVI nurse Teresa: "We will continue to pray for this pregnancy and for your family. One of my favorite Saints is St. Gianna Berreta Molla, I will pray for her intercession for your baby and you may want to pray to her also, as she was a mother married with 4 children and a great woman." My reply: "And a doctor! I got my PhD two yrs ago. By that time I had 2 in heaven, 2 babies on earth. We actually named our July loss Gianna when we learned she was a girl, post D&C.  We are also praying for the intercession of Fulton Sheen." Teresa: "Awesome...you hit my two favorite Saints...my seventh child born on Oct 27th, is named Fulton Patrick ...after Fulton J. Sheen. His intellect and writings and sprituality are amazing as I am sure you know. I will pray to him for you also. My baby had it's cord wrapped around the neck 3 times for most of the pregnancy and St. Gianna and Fulton Sheen were my intercessors too!" God bless her!

God is so good to put you all in my life and I am grateful for you!

I thought that was the end of my post, set to publish Saturday morning. However, I had some tiny bleeding again last night and then nothing today (Friday). I made the decision to request an ultrasound this afternoon, rather than to wait until Monday. I wanted to know what was going on headed into the weekend. I knew the baby's heartbeat had time to rise...or not. My doctor's office is so kind as to grant these types of requests. And so, at 3pm, with two beautiful miracles in tow, I was rescanned. The news was not good. Nicholas' heartbeat is fading, barely discernible at about 65bpm. She took two growth measurements. One showed no growth. One showed one day's growth since Monday. Not good. I got through the appt without tears surprisingly and then went on to get a progesterone draw. Somewhat numb, I suppose, and the rest just focusing on my little Anthony's face which I could barely see between the tech and I. He was delighted and innocent, and oh so precious. My miracles. So this weekend I resolve to take care of myself, bring them onto my lap to smell and hold them close, appreciate the small moments, and draw closer to my husband in our grief. This is what came to me pretty quickly after I received the news, so I will leave you with this. 

God has not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives thro’;
God has not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.

God has not promised
We shall not know
Toil and temptation,
Trouble and woe;
He has not told us
We shall not bear
Many a burden,
Many a care.

But God has promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,
Undying love.

                              Annie Johnson Flint

Bleeding and God speaks to me through facebook and friends :)

I had hoped to post about Saints between my ultrasound appts last Monday and this, but that will have to wait because I have a less pleasant update to make. Today I am bleeding. Not a ton. Am I cramping? Or is my stomach just in 1000 knots? I don't know. I have a call in to my doctor.

It's surprising to me, but once I realize God wants me to let go of a fear and give it over to him and hope instead, I can. And do. The hard part for me is realizing I do these things, hold pieces back from God. Once I know, I try to face it head on and do as God asks. Maybe for me there is just no middle ground due to my nature. But I found myself looking online for girl's bedding yesterday during naps. So yeah, definitely no middle ground. My heart was there. Full of hope.

Dr Hilgers' office returned my call yesterday for a progesterone in oil script. They had not received a copy of the ultrasound, so I shared with Teresa the results. Her response did ground me a little bit. One time in her career has she seen a situation with a baby so behind on the ultrasound turn around. One time. A personal friend. Not anyone through PPVI.

I didn't swing entirely the other direction, but it did take more concerted effort. I willed it. The spirit is willing, the flesh is weak. Or mind over matter, I suppose. I completely focused on being positive in the face of reality. I thought, yes, well that is how a miracle begins. With impossible. And the fact that the baby did a 180 is nothing but a positive sign toward a miracle. A miracle in itself, but also a first step toward the miracle of all miracles I desire in the depths of my heart that results in me holding my child in September.

God spoke to me today after the bleeding. Through friends' wise words and things I happened to come across on fb through friends. Stacy wrote me, "God knows better than the nurse. Follow his will, not hers." Bless her! And, "it is so awesome to know that one baby survived...reason for our hope. God's will be done!" She saw on fb and shared "The moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens." Then another member of my small faith group shared a Mother Teresa quote "Never worry about the numbers...." There was more, about helping one person at a time, start with the one nearest you, but it was the first part I quoted that stopped me in my tracks. I had to laugh at God and how He delivers messages through fb! :) He knows how to reach me. My aunt just "happened" to post: "Trusting God won't make the mountain smaller, but He will make climbing easier. Hope you will be able to climb all your mountains today and everyday! Have a blessed day!" And a work colleague posted: "The hardest part about the unknown is trusting in The Lord. He has a plan, He knows what is best. Do times like this test your faith? Absolutely. But, as long as you still have that faith, you know everything will be okay. God's got your back :)" These are people that know nothing of our situation. I just love my friends! Even a blog post that came to my inbox today was titled "Fear is Easy. Love is Hard". So, though I went to adoration, today God's messages came mostly through fb and texts :)

Put a call into doc. Maybe it was irritation from last sono? I don't know. It seems fast to be losing a baby that had a strong heartbeat on Monday. I mean, I thought the baby passed away and then your body had to get the message and that could take a few days. But maybe it has been a few days. I don't know. I am being hopeful (this is just another chapter of our miracle story to tell). Doc called back a minute ago and said if more bleeding or cramping, then to call back and they probably want to see me, but hold off for now since no blood since.

I Asked For a Miracle

Through the grace of God, I got through another week. The pregnancy is not far from my mind ever, but I am not all doom and gloom 24/7. I go on with life. I get distracted by potty training and other parts of our daily life. And I know I couldn't be doing that if it weren't for all the amazing holy people lifting me up in prayer. I am not perfect. There was a lot of shortness of breath this week between my cold and being pregnant. I suppose I sort of resented the pregnancy symptom, given I didn't see it was getting me any closer to a baby in my arms. But I felt much better after I remembered to offer it up for Jelly Belly, along with other bloggers the month of Feb through Adopt a Blogger hosted by TCIE! She also got some sleepless nights and a good seven hours in the bathroom on Saturday potty training AJ. And every single cold symptom misery. So at least it was going for something.

As my appt today got closer, the feelings came closer to the surface. When dh hugged me a little tighter, or told me he loved me, or snuggled up close to me in bed last night, I knew each time he was thinking of the ultrasound and it got me close to tears each time.

I dropped the children off at their godparents while I worked today and received a call from the doctor. The ultrasonographer's child was sick. Would I like to reschedule for Wed or next Monday. Um, you're kidding right? Neither. I firmly, but politely told her I would happily go across the street like I did last Tuesday on her day off. And so she said a nurse would call me. The nurse had no problem making the changed and so I sighed with relief knowing that I wasn't going to have to wait a few more days or worse, a week! Today I managed to stay busy with work until about an hr before my appt when the anxiety was getting the best of me and I began to rethink my going to the appt alone. My mom probably could have gone, and though we are super close, I recognize that she doesn't know what to say in these situations and for me, I just get irritated unnecessarily and take it out on her. And feel worse. I expect her to know things she couldn't possibly know. And so, even though its mostly my fault, I was afraid I would feel worse, not better. My best friend was out of town. Dh is working long hrs as this is his busiest time. My little sister, so proud, has a new full time job interpreting. It's just me. So I did what any sane person would do. I fb a blogger friend that was online and asked for prayers. And then I put a prayer request for a special intention as my fb status, to which 90% of the awesome people that replied were blogger friends. Who says strangers can't be the best of friends? Not me!  I even got an email from Andrea telling me she was thinking about me. I love you guys so much!

So what exactly was my prayer? And what was I so afraid of to my core? It's hard to explain. It wasn't exactly fear over losing the baby. The numbers already told the story. It was more like fear of waiting. Of it being drawn out. Of falling in love, of daring to hope, only to have it end up the same. Yes, it was almost harder to leave room for God. That unknown space to allow Him to work, no matter what that meant. That was where I was fearful. I have to admit something. Sometimes I have trouble praying. I don't have trouble being honest with God, being raw, and being weak. I do have trouble hoping for a miracle. My thought was, yes, of course God could provide a miracle. But why? Why would he? I know plenty more worthier than I am. A miracle isn't likely. If God wanted to perform one, he would and could. But I didn't need to ask. He knew. Plus, I just need to accept the facts and move on. Why make it more difficult with...hope? But last night or the night before as I was drifting off to sleep, I did something brave for me. A thought came into my head. Why not me? What was special about the people Jesus performed miracles for? They asked. They were bold and brave and dared to hope. They asked. And so I did it. As fearful as I was that it meant hope. And it meant uncertainty. Letting go of control and believing there was something to it besides the numbers. I asked. I begged. I pleaded. I was bold and brave. And I asked God for a miracle. Just because. For good measure, I also asked for the intercession of Fulton J. Sheen. I read a blog where there was a miracle being investigated that was attributed to Fulton J. Sheen. I had a little chuckle to myself, as I imagined us being bonded over our miracles. You know, so many of you prayed for a miracle for me. Used those exact words. You pray when I can't. There are no words for how grateful I am. Thank you for lifting me up.

As I got in the car to drive to the appt, I heard 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redmand.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul, Worship His holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul, I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning. It's time to sing Your song again. 
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes

This song has meaning for me, as my friends brother (a young father of three) died of cancer, and he went singing this song literally. So joyful. I thought of him and how he already knows how the story unfolds.

It was finally time for the ultrasound. As I laid there silently rolling my eyes because they start with an abdominal ultrasound (I am such a know it all! And so often wrong! And yet it doesn't stop me!), I stop short because I see a sac. And two things inside. It was the yolk sac, and a fetal pole. As she turns on the heartbeat I start sobbing. She kindly asked if I was happy or upset, knowing my situation and the roller coaster of emotions I was on. And you know what I said because I am such a horrible spoiled brat? I said upset. Because a heartbeat to me, in that moment, mean hope. And hope meant pain. An inevitable outcome, just a more drawn out one. Lord knows how weak I truly am!

However, every second that passed I did better. It didn't hurt that the baby measured 6 days bigger than my last ultrasound which was six days prior. I am 8 weeks on Wed and the baby measured 6 weeks 2 days, so certainly still behind, but go figure it took some numbers to encourage me and not my God. I have so far to go! Another number encouraged me further. The heartrate measured 109, very on point for a baby measuring 6 weeks 2 days. Granted, even next week it should be in the normal range of 130 ish, but it wasn't the 80 of my last pregnancy (a virtual death sentence per my ultrasound tech). She said she worries if its under 90. So next week will be very telling. Can the growth continue? Will the heartbeat increase to maintain the normal range?

I got in the car with my ultrasound CD with pics and even video of the heartbeat to share with my dh. Before I was just hoping for a pic of the baby before it passed away (my only pic of Gianna, her heart had already stopped beating). It was so surreal to hold that CD. I drove about ten feet before I slumped over the wheel and sobbed. I was just so exhausted from carrying it all. I cried tears of relief to throw the book out the window and truly give it over to God. As I sobbed, I heard the song on the radio was meant for me. Blessings, by Laura Story. Specifically these verses...

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

Slowly my heart began to heal. I saw the doctor, who said just as I expected. He came in shaking his head. He asked me immediatly who I had been praying to and told me I picked a good one. I love my Catholic doctor! He said "you know, I don't write these things off. I have seen it happen before." He told me there is a 3% miscarriage rate when there is cardiac activity at 8 weeks. I asked, 8 weeks via ultrasound or my dates. He guessed via ultrasound, so still two more weeks. He didn't know of any other research or numbers that applied. Damn my weakness, always searching for comfort in the numbers when I should be searching for it in God. He left me with a hug, much better than a phone number if I started bleeding like last week.

Here is my progression of text messages so you can see how I went from pathetically weak (crying sad tears over a heartbeat) to God filling me with strength only he can provide.

"Another week of waiting...higher hopes...its scary."
"The odds just swung more in favor of life!"
"Maybe, just maybe, it will all be okay"
"All these strong women in my life! I can do this. I can be hopeful. It will be alright regardless. I won't regret being hopeful."
"I can handle it. You (my sister who's fiancee passed) have shown me strength. It's in me too. I can put it on the line and hope. Even if it doesn't work out, it's worth it. I won't regret loving this baby."
"Why not a miracle for us? We will see and survive what life throws us."
"Yes, I have got this. Won't regret hoping."

So there it is. Regardless of outcome, we received a miracle. Six days growth in six days on a baby that didn't even go up 40 points (of 700) in four days. A heartbeat of 109. And me letting go and daring to hope, despite what the hcg levels told us time and time again.

So without further ado, my baby.

And the beautiful visual of his or her heartbeat.