Well, this go round has been different than any other ttc situation as of yet. I am finding my self related to a lot of common IF phenomenon I wasn't previously familiar with. Like now that my hcg shot amount has doubled, almost every month I get to the point of testing-only to get a negative. I knew how fortunate I was before, and how unusual I was. If I got to the point of testing, we were golden. At least as far as a true positive was concerned. Something else is we haven't been able to have three cycles of good trying in a row. We are quite far out from August and would only count two cycles of ttc. And two cycles failed. Of course, statistics say if all is well, it will likely happen next cycle. And Anthony was conceived in three. But I had many more conceived on the first cycle. Again, we realized how fortunate we were. And I know, E, that it may not be the same this time and it may take longer for immune systems to calm, etc.
So far, I am doing well. I was a little disappointed this month, but still have the peace. Dh and I are still discerning taking my nephew into our home, so a lot going on. I honestly just want to do God's will, so still discerning what that is and trying to be open to anything.
P.S. This post was meatier and more articulate in my head in the middle of the night! Guess I should have wrote it then! Had to write it tonight and hit post, before more of it left my head and it just read "not pregnant, come back again next month" lol.
I am on the journey we are all called to-to accept God's will and perfect love. Whether I am white knuckling it with my eyes shut tight or standing up with my arms outstretched enjoying the ride, I try always to let God be the driver and not bail out the side when there are bumps (like IF!). On good days, I trust He won't run me into a tree. :)
1.27.2014
1.16.2014
The Crazy Family Post
If you have been following you know that I have three sisters, two of which had their fiancee/husbands die in the last two years (youngest and oldest sister). If you go back a year further, you may know that was when my oldest sister's oldest daughter's dad passed away (her oldest is 21 year old, she got pregnant at 20 and they never married).
So, here is the update. The youngest sister is pregnant. Unwed, not dating anyone, but married. Now that being said, I am happy for her. I am. She never thought she could have kids because of all the family fertility issues, especially mine. We suspect the infect is worse in her and I always worried about her. She never got pregnant in her ten years dating Tom and she wasn't really using anything because, again, she assumed she couldn't. So I am glad she is able to. The baby had a heartbeat that was strong and on time when she was scanned last week, so very grateful for that. She is on progesterone, going to my ob/gyn, lots of early intervention and care, he even put her on Zith. Yay for all that! There are, will be, lots of challenges. She doesn't make a ton for the school district so right now she lives at home with my parents, who have been raising kids/grandkids their whole life. They are 65. She had to go off antidepressants. So far so good. She has mixed emotions having a baby and the dad not being Tom. But she is joyful. The dad is her best friend. He has not really left her side since Tom died about a year and a half ago. He has always cared for her greatly and he cares about the baby. She does have a full time job and insurance, thankfully. She also is doing better emotionally. Around Sept I started seeing amazing improvement in her. So that is sort of a family stressor. She is having some pretty severe morning sickness, but other than that all is well. We found this out on Christmas.
My oldest sister has been suspected of drug use for some time. She is being tested through social services. It moved from regular to random to supervised. We received info through friends she was tampering with the urine to falsify results. We were told she was positive for pot on one test, but they let her go the next day when the jail lost power and then court was scheduled for January. However, this month before the court date they had an emergency hearing. They had found her pos for meth and tampering. They removed the kids to her mother in law, who moved in the house with them again (she had moved out-the living situation wasn't working and she wasn't renewing the lease). Janelle moved out and is staying with her best friend (who has breast cancer). Janelle had 8 days to do some tasks. I guess they may go back to her after 8 days, it depends. If she is positive again it is min 1 yr jail time. I think she is doing some pleading and may go to rehab. I hope. During the 8 days, it doesn't bode well she got arrested. Evidently she missed some court date in all this drama (for what I have no idea) and so they took her in. Her car is now impounded. It's a big mess really. I just also found out that one friend she took into their home last year (who was being abused and sister was trying to help her get on her feet so she could keep her daughter; she already had her oldest removed to her parents), well that girl was sleeping with her husband. That was the only one of many girls that was personal. I can't imagine what a blow that was. I know she can't take much more. We were worried about her being suicidal last week given all that happened, but I think she is better. There is a lot of dynamics and I don't know if there is anyone good in our family (including us) that can take the kids right now and that is extremely difficult to face. Court is tomorrow. Judge is very strict, good because this sister can be very manipulative. Just praying that whatever will bring about long term positive change is what will happen. Please join me in praying.
So, here is the update. The youngest sister is pregnant. Unwed, not dating anyone, but married. Now that being said, I am happy for her. I am. She never thought she could have kids because of all the family fertility issues, especially mine. We suspect the infect is worse in her and I always worried about her. She never got pregnant in her ten years dating Tom and she wasn't really using anything because, again, she assumed she couldn't. So I am glad she is able to. The baby had a heartbeat that was strong and on time when she was scanned last week, so very grateful for that. She is on progesterone, going to my ob/gyn, lots of early intervention and care, he even put her on Zith. Yay for all that! There are, will be, lots of challenges. She doesn't make a ton for the school district so right now she lives at home with my parents, who have been raising kids/grandkids their whole life. They are 65. She had to go off antidepressants. So far so good. She has mixed emotions having a baby and the dad not being Tom. But she is joyful. The dad is her best friend. He has not really left her side since Tom died about a year and a half ago. He has always cared for her greatly and he cares about the baby. She does have a full time job and insurance, thankfully. She also is doing better emotionally. Around Sept I started seeing amazing improvement in her. So that is sort of a family stressor. She is having some pretty severe morning sickness, but other than that all is well. We found this out on Christmas.
My oldest sister has been suspected of drug use for some time. She is being tested through social services. It moved from regular to random to supervised. We received info through friends she was tampering with the urine to falsify results. We were told she was positive for pot on one test, but they let her go the next day when the jail lost power and then court was scheduled for January. However, this month before the court date they had an emergency hearing. They had found her pos for meth and tampering. They removed the kids to her mother in law, who moved in the house with them again (she had moved out-the living situation wasn't working and she wasn't renewing the lease). Janelle moved out and is staying with her best friend (who has breast cancer). Janelle had 8 days to do some tasks. I guess they may go back to her after 8 days, it depends. If she is positive again it is min 1 yr jail time. I think she is doing some pleading and may go to rehab. I hope. During the 8 days, it doesn't bode well she got arrested. Evidently she missed some court date in all this drama (for what I have no idea) and so they took her in. Her car is now impounded. It's a big mess really. I just also found out that one friend she took into their home last year (who was being abused and sister was trying to help her get on her feet so she could keep her daughter; she already had her oldest removed to her parents), well that girl was sleeping with her husband. That was the only one of many girls that was personal. I can't imagine what a blow that was. I know she can't take much more. We were worried about her being suicidal last week given all that happened, but I think she is better. There is a lot of dynamics and I don't know if there is anyone good in our family (including us) that can take the kids right now and that is extremely difficult to face. Court is tomorrow. Judge is very strict, good because this sister can be very manipulative. Just praying that whatever will bring about long term positive change is what will happen. Please join me in praying.
1.11.2014
TEBB false alarm? Stay Tuned for the Meth and Family Preg Update
I was going to title this post "This and That", but then I figured it's been used and is totally nondescript so I ended up the other direction completely. What can I say?
Sorry for the long pause in posting. Life has been anything but dull. I thought if I waited a little to post it would be less like dragging out a situation and drama-ish (wow, I am clearly not articulate at 1:30am, but then again who is?!) However, drama has only increased. Since I am not writing because I am thinking "yeah, drama, good blog material" perspective and more from a "good grief we need prayers" and it's been so long I may start forgetting the cycle stuff...Also I didnt write before because I am not good at expressing how I feel. As a result, I dump the information, most people would think I am in a place I am not, and I don't want to give that impression and have you all feel sorry for me. We are okay. My sister, however, is not. More about that in a minute. Enough with the disclaimers. Time for info.
Last cycle is something I wanted to update on, mostly for myself and the sake of remembering. I took the usual CD 1-10 abx, only this time at night. On about CD 8 (lazy, not looking up), I thought I saw TEBB. I was sure, at the moment, that it was brown blood. I had total deja vu about last Dec when we conceived Nicholas when something similar happened. However, I totally forgot I was on Rifamp.in in that moment, which turns my urine orange about once a day. This was complicated by the fact I had recently switched to taking it at night. In hindsight, I am not at all confident that it was TEBB. When it occurred, I called Dr. Toth. He said he was sure it was the Rifamp.in. I called Dr. Hilgers in a panic. In my mind, ideally, I would sit out the cycle ttc and take Cipro the second half of my cycle. I would only ttc based on my period the next cycle and things being clear. Exactly what I had wished I had chosen with Nicholas. However, Dr. Hilgers was out of town. In Mexico. Stefani was as nice as could be, understood my stress over the situation, etc. But there was no one to talk to and it sounded super clear there would be no Cipro. It was Dr. Hilgers call. She offered to consult with Dr. Steve Hilgers, Dr. H's son, which came back to say don't worry. One time. One small observation. I thought, easy for you all to say. However, dh and I did talk and decide that, since I wasn't getting scripted Cipro, that nothing would be different next cycle. I could look at my blood to feel better and see if clear, but if it was brown now it would be brown then too likely and if it wasn't then it would be clear, as we were not getting any "intervention". It's hard to explain even to myself, but we decided to still try and just trust it wasn't TEBB. Well, the next day I got a call that the Cipro script had been called in. What?! We chose to not utilize any other days to ttc and let the antibiotic work on things. If we would have had TEBB and we would have still tried on the Cipro we would have exactly mirrored the Nicholas situation, one year later almost to the day. The Cipro was something we really "needed" anyway per Dr. Hilgers based way back on Aug cultures done on my lap. Toth disagreed and I never got clarity from Hilgers. Timing never worked out to take them due to being on pre peak abx since Toth treatment-it had to be worth taking off a cycle and we didn't get any clear answer from Hilgers on that. I am glad we have the Cipro done and have moved on. This cycle the blood looked fine. That meant a lot of abx though-pre peak, during ovulation (both Toth) post ovulation Cipro and don't forget the amox for CM. Dh is doing much better with his symptoms since I was sure they were yeast and got aggressive with the Dif.lucan. Dr. Toth and Hilgers are committed to us having the script whenever we want. We don't know the drawbacks of taking too much, but we def chose to utilize the scripts as needed and feel great. We know the abx anti yeast meds cycle will be relatively short term but there is the back of the head concern. Basically, we chose a path and we now have to follow it. I am not into diluting something or going rouge, if that makes sense. So we will play this out.
Needless to say, I was pretty relieved at not being pregnant that Dec cycle. This cycle the blood looks great, the CM looks great, and we are taking advantage of a lot of days. After all, its now cycle 4 post treatment and only the 2nd one we have really tried. It's now or never, time to learn if the treatment will bear fruit and move on from this antibiotic/antiyeast cycle we are stuck in.
I have so much more to say, not at all cycle related (meth and pregnancy in the family related) but I can't this second. Charlie and AJ have been taking turns (or together) sick since Halloween, taking turns waking at night. AJ is now potty trained at night, wonderful!, something Charlie isn't, but there was always him waking at least once to go sans 4-5 days in there. Add in Charlie's bad dreams, pottying out of pull-up until we found a solution, etc and it was a lot of disrupted sleep for us. It hit an all time low the last ten days when one of the two would wake AND STAY UP at least two hrs requiring multiple re-entry into their room. Now I am just dragging myself through the day. I can not live like this-it's def worse than newborn nursing IMO. Add family drama and I am spent. Here, tonight, both are sleeping, and an unusual event-I couldn't turn my brain off after my stomach waking me upset. So, at least I am into this update I have been meaning to do and I will come back this weekend and post about the family drama. For now, prayers prayers prayers for my sister JC and KT. Ah, and one question? If you use a Reader, which one do you use for blogs? I have got to figure out a new one and get it on my phone!
Sorry for the long pause in posting. Life has been anything but dull. I thought if I waited a little to post it would be less like dragging out a situation and drama-ish (wow, I am clearly not articulate at 1:30am, but then again who is?!) However, drama has only increased. Since I am not writing because I am thinking "yeah, drama, good blog material" perspective and more from a "good grief we need prayers" and it's been so long I may start forgetting the cycle stuff...Also I didnt write before because I am not good at expressing how I feel. As a result, I dump the information, most people would think I am in a place I am not, and I don't want to give that impression and have you all feel sorry for me. We are okay. My sister, however, is not. More about that in a minute. Enough with the disclaimers. Time for info.
Last cycle is something I wanted to update on, mostly for myself and the sake of remembering. I took the usual CD 1-10 abx, only this time at night. On about CD 8 (lazy, not looking up), I thought I saw TEBB. I was sure, at the moment, that it was brown blood. I had total deja vu about last Dec when we conceived Nicholas when something similar happened. However, I totally forgot I was on Rifamp.in in that moment, which turns my urine orange about once a day. This was complicated by the fact I had recently switched to taking it at night. In hindsight, I am not at all confident that it was TEBB. When it occurred, I called Dr. Toth. He said he was sure it was the Rifamp.in. I called Dr. Hilgers in a panic. In my mind, ideally, I would sit out the cycle ttc and take Cipro the second half of my cycle. I would only ttc based on my period the next cycle and things being clear. Exactly what I had wished I had chosen with Nicholas. However, Dr. Hilgers was out of town. In Mexico. Stefani was as nice as could be, understood my stress over the situation, etc. But there was no one to talk to and it sounded super clear there would be no Cipro. It was Dr. Hilgers call. She offered to consult with Dr. Steve Hilgers, Dr. H's son, which came back to say don't worry. One time. One small observation. I thought, easy for you all to say. However, dh and I did talk and decide that, since I wasn't getting scripted Cipro, that nothing would be different next cycle. I could look at my blood to feel better and see if clear, but if it was brown now it would be brown then too likely and if it wasn't then it would be clear, as we were not getting any "intervention". It's hard to explain even to myself, but we decided to still try and just trust it wasn't TEBB. Well, the next day I got a call that the Cipro script had been called in. What?! We chose to not utilize any other days to ttc and let the antibiotic work on things. If we would have had TEBB and we would have still tried on the Cipro we would have exactly mirrored the Nicholas situation, one year later almost to the day. The Cipro was something we really "needed" anyway per Dr. Hilgers based way back on Aug cultures done on my lap. Toth disagreed and I never got clarity from Hilgers. Timing never worked out to take them due to being on pre peak abx since Toth treatment-it had to be worth taking off a cycle and we didn't get any clear answer from Hilgers on that. I am glad we have the Cipro done and have moved on. This cycle the blood looked fine. That meant a lot of abx though-pre peak, during ovulation (both Toth) post ovulation Cipro and don't forget the amox for CM. Dh is doing much better with his symptoms since I was sure they were yeast and got aggressive with the Dif.lucan. Dr. Toth and Hilgers are committed to us having the script whenever we want. We don't know the drawbacks of taking too much, but we def chose to utilize the scripts as needed and feel great. We know the abx anti yeast meds cycle will be relatively short term but there is the back of the head concern. Basically, we chose a path and we now have to follow it. I am not into diluting something or going rouge, if that makes sense. So we will play this out.
Needless to say, I was pretty relieved at not being pregnant that Dec cycle. This cycle the blood looks great, the CM looks great, and we are taking advantage of a lot of days. After all, its now cycle 4 post treatment and only the 2nd one we have really tried. It's now or never, time to learn if the treatment will bear fruit and move on from this antibiotic/antiyeast cycle we are stuck in.
I have so much more to say, not at all cycle related (meth and pregnancy in the family related) but I can't this second. Charlie and AJ have been taking turns (or together) sick since Halloween, taking turns waking at night. AJ is now potty trained at night, wonderful!, something Charlie isn't, but there was always him waking at least once to go sans 4-5 days in there. Add in Charlie's bad dreams, pottying out of pull-up until we found a solution, etc and it was a lot of disrupted sleep for us. It hit an all time low the last ten days when one of the two would wake AND STAY UP at least two hrs requiring multiple re-entry into their room. Now I am just dragging myself through the day. I can not live like this-it's def worse than newborn nursing IMO. Add family drama and I am spent. Here, tonight, both are sleeping, and an unusual event-I couldn't turn my brain off after my stomach waking me upset. So, at least I am into this update I have been meaning to do and I will come back this weekend and post about the family drama. For now, prayers prayers prayers for my sister JC and KT. Ah, and one question? If you use a Reader, which one do you use for blogs? I have got to figure out a new one and get it on my phone!
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