Long overdue final update (such a good one)!

 For a long time it bothered me that this blog was not updated. I felt like not updating it looked like we had lost that miraculous 2017 pregnancy. But that was not the case. We have a beautiful 8 year old son who is perfect and thriving. It would take a lot to keep me from updating, but a lot came our way. 

We told the boys before Easter. Every indication was that everything was fine. However, even if it wasn't, we would not be able to hide a loss. Nor would we want to. The boys were 6 and 8. They were there when we buried Gerard Nike. They knew the names of their sibling saints. I had a lot of fun creating an Easter themed treasure hunt for them. They were armed with baskets and followed clues to eggs with additional clues, that all led to the golden egg with a sonogram picture and the announcement (as well as ring pops and candy baby bottles). They were thrilled. They had prayed for this baby for so long. 

On Easter April 16, 2017, I had fallen asleep early. We had celebrated at our home without extended family. We had invited my husband's brother, who politely declined. He was the only one who lived in town. He was a recovered addict, with a long history of being clean by this point. He was living with his girlfriend and had held a job for a good bit of time. What we didn't know was he had lost his job. He likely didn't want to come to Easter and share that, likely wanting to find another job. He was still sober, and such a gift to all those he lived with in the sober living Oxford house. Due to being out of work, unbeknownst to us, he had been selling plasma. And even on this Easter Sunday, the blood banks were open as the need never ceases. If he had come to Easter dinner, we likely would have shared our good pregnancy news.

When I woke up at almost 11, I knew something was wrong with my husband immediately. The bedroom light was on, he was sitting up in bed, he seemed in shock. I quickly shook myself awake and asked him to tell me. His brother, Casey, has been in a motorcycle accident on the way home from selling plasma. From video, it appears he hit some sort of sand and his front tire shook out of control. Perhaps from snow earlier in the season? Perhaps he wasn't as quick with the reflexes having donated blood? But he had hit the guard rail and flipped over the ramp's edge plummeting too far to imagine. No helmet could have saved him. 

It happened around 4pm. First the girlfriend found out. Young and in shock, it didn't even occur to her that no one had called his mom. His mom made the other calls, including to my husband, after 10pm. At 40 years old, he had already lost a father and now a brother. And in the last year, his sister (who struggles with infertility as well), lost a daughter as a result of infection caused by amniocentisis. They buried her at 21 weeks. Because my husband was in town, it was up to him to claim the body. Purchase an outfit for him to be buried in. And attend to some other details. The next day was a haze. We had booked GWL indoor water park because the boys were off school. My husband didn't want to cancel or for the boys to know yet. He went between joining us in a daze to stepping away to handle details. The boys' laughter was balm to his soul on one of his hardest days. 

We never imagined telling dh's family we were pregnant while in his hometown preparing for the funeral. But that's how it happened. Dh's sister was also pregnant, 5 months further along than I was. These two miracles were more bright spots in a dark time. 

While things continued to go well and I had confidence our baby would arrive in the fall, we did have some scares. The antibiotics went well, and it turns out the Zith and steroid I had taken during Disney for walking pneumonia likely helped with our infection and inflammation in my tubes. Zith was what they were giving for infections now if Clindy wasn't an option. And so I continued it off and on, in addition to progesterone and HCG. At 12 weeks we allowed genetic testing, and this was the first baby we learned the gender. Despite my age, there was almost no risk for Down Syndrome.

Because we were crazy, and felt almost old hats at being pregnant, we decided to continue our plan of moving. After looking a long time, we decided to build exactly what we wanted and signed a contract in June. However, we were about to get another curve ball. At the end of June, everyone piled into the car to visit the high risk OB for my 20 week anatomy scan. On the counter where you check in was a paper-we are doing optional cervical length measuring. Let us know if you are interested, and we will do an internal scan as well. Immediately I dismissed it. I had everyone with me. Why send them out for an additional scan. Then I stopped-what was I thinking?! I want all the preventative we could do. So I signed the paper.

It turned out my cervix was measuring only 2.1cm. A normal cervix at 20 weeks should not have begun to shorten, so it should still be measuring 4 or 4.5 cm. What causes a cervix to be incompetent and shorten early? Infections, low progesterone, multiple pregnancies, multiple D&C's. I had all of the above, so why this decision to test up to me when my history was screaming risk factors, I will never know. 

This was a Friday, and we were told to come back in on Tuesday to determine how quickly it was shortening. I was already on the maximum dose of progesterone, the first line of defense in this situation. A kind nurse thankfully warned me that that surgery to place a cerclage was likely in my future, and I appreciated the time to digest this information. I went home, did a little research, and found the surgery had an 80% success rate (the stitch sometimes doesn't hold, can't be placed, the surgery triggers labor, or causes or worsens an infection; sometimes the amniotic sac is ruptured).

I returned on Tuesday, 6/27/17, and this time measured 1.7cm, and I was told to go home and pack my bags. I was to check in to the hospital that afternoon, with surgery to place a cerclage stitch to occur at noon the following day. Even the nurse hadn't prepared me for this. The next morning I was already measuring 1.5cm, so it was good the doctor didn't waste any time or he may not have had enough room to place the stitch. I went under general anesthesia for concern my water would break if I moved with only a spinal in (my amniotic sac was found to be big and low). Following surgery, I had a ten day midline for more antibiotics in case infection was the cause or surgery stirred up anything. God's hands were all over this from catching the issue, the fact it was a holiday weekend, my husband was off work, my in laws were in town to stay with the kids, and I had recently met a friend in bible study who shared a story of her own cerclage placed with her last pregnancy by Dr. Hilgers himself.

The weeks to follow were more a mental challenge. The stitch was placed well, and I went home. Per this doctor, no change in behavior was needed. But Dr. Hilgers disagreed. He wanted me on strict laying down bedrest with only three hours up to include showers and eating. It was hard to reconcile these two very different opinions in my brain. To do bed rest, laying down, was not going to be easy with two active children, a house to pack up to show, as well as normal life and my part time work. It was summer, and the boys were home with me all day every day. To follow instructions was going to take every bit of our village. And the thoughts creeped in that this was necessary. Thankfully God sent an angel. A new friend had moved from Omaha and her kids were at the same Catholic school as mine. As soon as she got wind of what was going on, she came right over to share more details of how her Sam was the result of a pregnancy with cervical incompetence. Dr. H operated on her and she was on laying down bedrest. When she started to loosen up at the end of the pregnancy, the baby came. He was okay, but he showed her this was no joke. She helped me cast the doubt out that it was not necessary to inconvenience others. She helped me fight this battle in my head, that by laying down and being tended to, I was doing everything in my power to keep this baby in as long as possible. My village, among other things, provided 3-4 meals a week for 19 weeks until Zachary Bryce was induced. And then another 12 weeks as we adjusted to a family of 5 while our house was on the market. I could not have done it without them!

When I delivered Zachary, he was a big healthy 8lbs 8 oz. Had he stayed until 41 weeks like his brothers he would have been the biggest by far. However, as this healthy boy lay on my chest with his daddy doting on him, I saw fear in the nurses' faces. I watched silently and prayed, grateful Craig's eyes were locked on Zach. What I didn't know was that my placenta was being difficult, and after some tugging had come out of my body with my uterus, which was inverted. Only the doctor had seen this before-one time in med school. He acted quickly in putting my uterus back and thankfully it stayed put. There was no hemoraghing. Other than some jaundice (our first to have it, needing light therapy), and a very frustrating blue foot due to a security bracelet placed too tight and hidden under feetie pjs we supplied, we had a happy healthy baby boy. Zachary was named after John the Baptists father who laughed in disbelief at Elizabeth conceiving in her old age. Zachary means God has heard and answered our prayers. And indeed he did. Not our prayers, but the children's prayers as they cried out for another sibling. Zachary was complete with chubby cheeks as requested by Anthony. 

While we all came out no worse for the wear, all of that sort of sealed the deal for us-to have trouble getting pregnant, staying pregnant, not delivering early and not hemoraghing during complications (inverted uterus was increased risk for future, and cerclage placement would be earlier, such as 12 weeks, accompanied by bedrest) in addition to my age (over 39) made it much easier to appreciate what we have and not think of what might...

I type this "last chapter" much delayed, at 47 years of age. Covid came and went. My fertility acted wonky. It was difficult charting with almost nil CM and confusion with SF, but we managed. My cycles went to quarterly light spotting for 3 days to nothing. And Aug 2023, at the young age of 45, I said goodbye to them completely. In April, I will move forward with the prolapse repairs, which will include a hysterectomy for easier access. 

And now, I can finally say, this chapter of my life is complete. God wrote every bit of our story as soon as I handed over the pen, and I couldn't have imagined it any more perfectly. 

Not a Temperature

What a strange thing to be writing here again under these conditions. Pregnancy. Something I thought was long in my rearview mirror. Though in some ways I feel stupid to be surprised. I am a lazy charter. That's what happened to us when we became perpetual avoiders against our will combined with sporadic, if any, ovulation. I only knew of one time I ovulated on my own, and I knew it the second it was occurring. I figured it was a rare event, ending in my most recent loss two years ago. So even "healing" didn't' mean total healing and wasn't to be. And yet, here I am again.

And while I am in a very familiar place for the 8th time, still some things are new. Like how late I tested, my best guess is P+18. I was near the time I should have started my period, and the only reason I tested was because I was packing for a spring break trip and then I saw the tampons. The movie, This is Forty, played in the next room and the main character is unexpectedly pregnant. I tested for no real reason, I keep them around sometimes to confirm I am not pregnant. But the line that appeared immediately was not the test line like I initially thought, but the other line. The pregnant line. Dark and fast. I checked to see if they were expired. No, but still CVS brand. No reason to get excited unless I confirm.

I still took the stick to my husband, lying on the bed. Held it out with no words, but when he looked at me I couldn't help but smile. But then ashamed of my goofy smile, I turned away, not knowing what to feel yet unable to stop smiling. "What?" he asked not fully looking. "Do you have a temperature?" While the colors of pink and white def resembled our thermometer, I had to laugh. This was too large, and a much bigger event.

I told him I didn't believe it until confirmation, and I was going to CVS for a more expensive brand test. I thought it was open 24 hrs, but thankfully got there 10 min before it closed. I bought three tests that day, I believe, and the new life growing within me was, without a doubt, confirmed. There wasn't much sleep to be had that night, despite the busy next day ahead.

I was supposed to work this Tues, though not the norm, to wrap up a work audit. Instead I called Dr. Hilgers and my local ob. I was happy to have quick responses back from both. My local OB ran Dr. H's stat HCG. Unfortunately we couldn't mail off the progesterone because the two labs in town no longer did it. I did find one that still did, but too late (St. Luke's South). I was able to get the prog suppositories and Prog in oil from the local CVS (non compounded, those are now excluded from my plan). I had never started on both of those from the start, to my recollection-suppositories only came once and later. HCG was called in, but I was told not to start it yet. And it was a pain to deal with. My insurance covered it but not really, subject to $5750 out of pocket before it was covered 100%. Before then... nothing, so $1200. Kubats $275 was high and not welcome until later by comparison.

My HCG wasn't in until our plane landed in Surprise, AZ. 1100. A good number. A similar number to Charlie and Michael assuming the same time (my peak day I had identied was only 8 days prior and not likely peak so we were blind, going off first day of last period). 4 weeks 4 days is what we called it. My prog was 9, sad but not unexpected. I had no post peak support. I would hope it rises with all the support, if not then it was time to worry.

The antibiotic was called in Friday (my pos test was on a Mon). It was Zith this time, new I believe. They said Dr. Toth usually supplements the IV with this, but it can be effective on its own and I know I am not immune to it. It was Thurs before I realized I was only taking one a day when the bottle said two. I could kick myself.

Dh had not much hope to start-what reason do we have to expect another outcome? But I feel unusually optimistic, even from the start. Maybe its the lack of numbers to spook me, I can't get any more HCGs, so I don't even know if it doubled (but assume it did, I only had one that didn't double, most triple right away and look great- even my losses). My prog isn't due ago be drawn gain until Tues (today is Sat, I have known for almost two weeks and am over 6 weeks today). By then I will have had an ultrasound, though the doc himself is doing it so it often leads to more uncertainty. I will be 6 w 4 days and by then have had strong heartbeats with both my living sons; however a day or two off and he could see nothing. So while I hope to be out of the woods by that appt, I more expect a wait and see, or perhaps to confirm the worst.

I have symptoms beyond just the prog. Prog makes me tired and hungry. I take naps and go to bed early. I don't know if I took naps so much this early with others. I will try to see if I noted that. My chest is sore. But beyond that, I am winded and I know there is increased blood flow, something I don't think prog could ever mimic. It seems real.

There are some fears. I am 38 1/2 putting me higher risk and increasing my chance of DS. I wasn't on a prenatal so for once the risk of spina bifida is there. And what if healing this time means longer healing, but not total healing? Thus a 20 week loss? Or a 38 week stillborn? But those thoughts came and went once. They didn't really remain. I continue, with the exception of the very dreary dark weather day we returned from AZ, to be at peace with whatever. I have people praying-mostly those that are from out of state, but a few I know would really want to know and pray (Bekah, Becca, Ly). I had trouble telling others. My mom has a stress induced condition and would die to know I kept this from her as a result. I just told one of three sisters yesterday. I am not afraid to tell or not tell. It just seems weird. The words don't want to come out on the phone, in person, or any other way. I told my BF first. She missed my call and sent a text frantic it was about my mom. "oh no, mom is fine, no need to call. I am just pregnant". She called right away. Ha!

So that is the update on things. I pray the novena to St. Jude and St. Joseph daily. And I continue the Holy Spirit prayer asking to accept God's will. My friend who offered the St. Gerard relic when someone was done with it doesn't know, but Ly turned out to be the friend that has it. And she is due any day and told me she would get that to me. So that is an awesome Godincidence. :) I am continuing to wait and see and appreciate the prayers in the meantime and have been grateful for distractions like our trip, my work, and my family.

My Five Year Old

Anthony was the most wonderful surprise because he came so easily. We were so excited to have a sibling for Charlie, and when he was born my cheeks hurt from grinning. “Two boys” is all I kept saying. We didn’t know what we were having, and to have a brother for Charlie was a dream come true! 

AJ was huge compared to Charlie. A pound heavier, an inch longer, and rather than working his way up to a full blown cry he transitioned immediately to the loudest of wails. He learned to get what he wanted quickly, and what he wanted was to be fed every 2 hrs for 9 months. After he refused a bottle for 13 hrs for my mom at 9 months, he was busted. I would comfort him, but not feed him in the night after that, which he decided wasn’t worth waking for. But that was when we knew what we were in for with AJ. This child knows perseverance.

AJ was a great easy baby. Unless he didn’t like something. And then he learned how to let you know very young. When AJ has reached his limit of anything, you know it. And he wants everyone around to know it too. He has been carried out of mass stiff as a board before. He has laid down on the grocery store floor in protest more than once. Anthony is a firecracker.

He was born ready to go. He jumps up in the morning and put his clothes on immediately. Shoes too! I don’t think they come off until the end of the day. He likes to know things ahead of time and be prepared. Like when he was about to change preK classrooms and he wanted me to teach him how to read and tie his shoes before preK began.

At the same time he is so laid back. He is a willing participant in most any scheme Charlie imagines. Charlie knows just how to get him excited and give him enough to pull him in. AJ is very good natured. If someone needs to step up and give up something because there isn’t enough, AJ is the first to give something over to Charlie. He loves his big brother very much, but he definitely knows how to hold his own against Charlie, an important skill for a younger brother.

AJ does things on his own terms, and he knows what he likes and doesn’t like. Mostly he loves sports. Playing them. Watching them. Acting them out with characters. Scores are very important to AJ. He assumes they are very important to everyone else, which is why he updates me on the score of the real or fake game every single time it changes.

AJ likes to high five with his forehead to your hand, exploding upward. I think that sums him up well. When he was one, we used to say we were a little bruised up from his strong forms of affection J AJ is extremely athletic and tough. AJ is really naturally talented and having a sports loving dad and big brother don’t hurt. While Charlie started basketball at 5 and had to adjust to a bigger ball and 8 ft goal, AJ has been dribbling and playing on that size goal for a year or more.

AJ rarely cries from pain. He is crazy fast and can tackle with the best of them. He can send Charlie to his knees crying, intentionally or unintentionally, and then give me the look like “why is he crying again?”

AJ is competitive and believes in people following the rules. AJ loves board games and picked up things like Sorry and Monopoly Jr when he was barely four. AJ does not like losing, but that’s okay because he doesn’t lose that often. AJ takes his job to keep Charlie honest seriously.

AJ loves the wildcats. In fact, AJ wants to be a wildcat. He wants to play football for K-state and he knows he can’t do that until he is 18. Which brings us to what AJ doesn’t like-being little. Everyday he laments the fact that he is not 18. To the point of crying in bed. We tried to help him have a more attainable goal by counting down to football season. And counting down to Halloween when he would dress up like a football player. AJ is so serious about being a wildcat football player, that when Craig exercises AJ will join him. He will do the entire workout series from beginning to end, because he thinks it will help him reach his goal.

AJ is legalistic. He knows that Charlie is two years older than him, and while he doesn’t love that, he accepts it. Until he realized Charlie was turning 7 and he wouldn’t be 5 for another month. Which was absolutely the most unfair thing in the entire world. At least once a day, when it crossed his mind, we would relive the pity party. He totally thinks he is one of the big kids and has asked me for playdates with Charlie’s classmates as well as various sports figures.

AJ doesn’t worry much, but when he does it is things like “what if another team picks me that isn’t k-state and then I will have to ‘reverse; k-state?!” There is nothing more tragic. Except maybe playing for the Jayhawks. AJ does not like the Jayhawks. Unlike Charlie who will try to root for KU if they aren’t playing a team he likes better only because he feels everyone is ganging up on me in this house, AJ is clear as can be he will never under any circumstances root for KU.

AJ doesn’t mind marching to the beat of his own drum, and Craig and I have no influence in some areas. Like when we went to watch the Chiefs played the Seahawks and AJ learned that Tyler Lockett played for the Seahawks. While Craig and Charlie rooted for both teams, AJ could be heard loudly booing the Chiefs in their own stadium.

AJ is super smart and could walk around quoting math problems all day, but he’d rather watch a highlight video than have a bedtime story any day. AJ is affectionate, but he is less likely to have calm snuggle time. He is too busy for that. For a long time we’d have to put in a show and sneak some love, but thankfully that has changed!

AJ is his own kid. He is a dream come true. He will always be my baby, but it seems he is growing at twice the speed his brother did. AJ may have some strong dislikes, but when he decides he wants to do something he is all in. He went from not likely mass to saying the rosary in the adoration chapel and then attending weekday mass with me upon request. There is no one I’d rather have in my corner. He has the biggest capacity to love and persevere. He is shooting for the stars, and we have no doubt he will accomplish anything he puts his mind to! Even if that means the NFL!

My 7 year old

The Current State of Things

While I considered myself having infertility (only through major meds could we even get pregnant), I had not experienced all types. Most notably, on meds, I could get pregnant QUICKLY. As in 1-3 cycles like textbook Hilgers if nothing is wrong. So I did not experience the disappointment of cycle after cycle. Additionally, for whatever reason, I did not experience the frustration and jealously of others with large families, friends around me getting pregnant, etc. However, recently, I have a burning sting about those who are pregnant. Happy for them, but sad for me. This is new. It isn't constant, thankfully. I go through phases. And my baby, oh you guys, my baby is so big! Kindergarten next year but already five. Not to mention TALL. Not to mention he thinks he is seven like his brother. He is growing up at lightening speed. Just lightening speed!

 And this is my 7 year old...

I can't get pregnant. I can, physically, get pregnant with meds (at least most likely if nothing has changed). But I can't, because if I do, we will have another loss. I am as certain as anyone can be certain of anything. Sometimes I wonder if this is wrong, acting out of fear. But then I remind myself it isn't fear of the unknown, it is fact based on experience. And while God can and certainly does sometimes choose to bless people with miracles, I also know I am not called to conceive as many children as possible to try and have one that would stick. So we avoid. And we look into adoption. And in the past it has caused some stress and tension. And for the most part I wonder if it isn't a bad idea to put dh so far out of his comfort zone. I know without a doubt that I should not and will not putt having more children above my marriage and created that kind of stress for us. Particularly lately, I don't know if we are really strong enough to handle it.

My husband and I are different. I want to adopt for what we could give as much as what we could get. I have a PhD in special education. I am scared, yes, but open to God's will in expanding our family.

My husband is a good man. Not much disability exposure. Fear of the unknown. Understandably a little skiddish and selfish. He wants a baby. A girl. Healthy. Young. And yet, he doesn't want to pay a ton of money (honestly, we could if we needed). He doesn't want a long or stressful process. He thinks we have been through enough of all that with miscarriages. He wants a child easily or no child. If no child, not ideal, but happy with what we have. And he doesn't want to be an "old dad" so he wants it all now.

I am also happy with what we have. I selfishly want a child, but I also have fears. Fears of things being hard. Fears of stressful times ahead. Typical kiddos are hard. Kids with high needs or kids you will care for the rest of your life to one degree or another are hard. But I know through some of these things, if God's will, then we grow stronger. We are meant to grow. So I am scared, but willing.

Where dh and I disagree is that this life should be easy. He feels he works hard, there should be the monetary reward he has. He doesn't think we should spend to the point we are stressed about money. My thought is life is too easy right now folks. We have been incredibly blessed. We aren't doing enough. We will have to account for how we used these resources.

So this difference turned into a total impasse when his new job required so much travel we couldn't attend the other five foster classes to get certified. And I was totally okay with that. And then he changed jobs again (so rare for him) and with job change is stress. The travel ended, but he is busy learning something new. And I knew it wasn't the right time.

Slowly, I am giving away our baby stuff. Mostly toys I know the kids in foster care need and would use. Nothing earth shattering like the crib. But as I tried to give something away the other day, dh stopped me. He asked, if you think we aren't done having kids, why give things away? Or something to that effect. He asked if I was 100% sure we were done. Well no, I said, as long as you are still open to it. So now I am sort of surprised, but he is. I know God is leading me to just be patient, and if it is meant to happen it will happen. But it will not happen by me dragging dh into things. This has to be his idea. Like New York. I almost can't care. And God has helped me find that line. To be somewhat impartial, seeing benefits to both sides. Appreciate what we have, yet hoping for more. Open to life, and yet discerning if it is right. Knowing with certainty that it isn't good for my marriage to push, and I would rather accept what we have and be done than to put that at risk. I wonder if God intentionally has put all these super scary stories about adoptions that fall through and difficult circumstances in my path. I think He wants me to know my own fears and weaknesses and that this path isn't to be taken lightly.

Did I tell you a woman recently gave me some rock to mix with milk from where Mary breastfed Jesus? And there is a prayer for healing and a baby. You guys, I almost couldn't believe it myself but I did not want to touch that powder with a ten foot pole. I had to call a good friend who has never been pregnant (she used to be a FertilityCare practitioner) who long ago discerned that having kids any other way wasn't for her. She totally got it when I hardly got it myself. So then I mentioned it to dh and he said, "great, let's do it." And you know what? I thought, wow, I should follow his lead. And then I never did. It sits in a pile on my desk. You all, infertility is a weird weird thing. Many days I don't eve know what to say about my own emotions. I am sure I would be a field day for a shrink! :)

I thought my children were done asking for a sibling (used to be daily), but it came up again. They want one so bad! Both of them asked again and started up the conversation. They really want an infant, differ on gender. I was glad dh heard the convo this time. It usually is just me. They know any baby won't come from my belly without a miracle, but of course they don't care how one is conceived. They just know they want one. Or think they want one :)

I recently was asked to speak on Napro to a mom's group. I accepted. I know that I will have to put a long time and a lot of thought and prayer into such a talk. i haven't done one since we have lost the three since Anthony. And dh has some anger there, issues to resolve and he will no longer speak on it with me. So if you think about, please say a prayer that I say what those young moms and families need to hear.

How's that for all over the place randomness after all this time not writing? Keenly aware I never posted funeral pics too. It's just one of those things, I will when I feel like pulling them out...

My Dh and a Huge Prayer Request

I will post about the funeral shortly, but right now I want to talk about my dh. Through this pregnancy, he was excited and also worried just like I was. The only difference was he was working up to 85 hrs (his busiest time) as he is a Controller for a Fortune 500 company and in charge of all their filings with the SEC. He didn't have the luxury of the two girl's nights I had last week where I felt so loved. Or in receipt of all the wonderful Facebook, blog, and text messages of support in prayer. the flowers that were sent to me. He is removed from the comfort, but not the pain.

He continues to burn the candle at both ends. He came to two doc appts for heartbeats. He came to as much of my D&C as he was able. He barely got 45 minutes off for the funeral. While I took the whole day off and was able to go out to lunch with a friend after. He is not only working, but also looking for another job. He is the only candidate right now for the ideal position-and the worst timing ever. He preps for interviews, works, and comes home to prep for interviews again. Even though he likely has this position (he wowed the CFO on the first interview), since then he has flown to Portland to interview with 5 people back to back (with a parent company). That was last weekend. Then Thursday, he had an interview before he went to work with HR, and then with the other parent company after work. This Sunday we thought he would have to fly to Denver for the last interview, but the snowstorm made that delayed. And while he is ready to get it all over with, I know this was God's timing.  He continues to do his best to support me and be an awesome dad throughout all of this.

Earlier this week, around Tuesday and Wednesday, I was having a small pity party. I didn't want to do Lent. I felt like I was already at the end of forty long days of sacrifice and self denial. I was in the desert. But a post from a friend on a miscarriage support group changed my thinking. She posted a Love Dare. Immediately I got excited. I have been thinking about dh and his sacrifice for our family. How emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained he is. My focus has changed to what can I do for him this Lent to show my love and appreciation?

Three and a half years ago I went on an incredible retreat. It wasn't great timing, but I went anyway. I took my 6 month old with me. It fed my soul! I also met some incredible people I still have relationships with. I prayed dh would have this experience, but he kept putting it off. I stopped bringing it up and started nagging God instead. This year, I about fell out of the pew when he told me he wanted to sign up. He had the caveat that if work got crazy he would have to back out. I understood. When the interview came up, I understood. But now that is pushed back, and he is free to attend.

One of the most powerful parts of the retreat is at the end. That is when you hear, really realize, how many people have been praying for you all weekend. And then the letters pour in. letters of encouragement, appreciation, and prayer. It's so wonderful to receive these. I sort of dropped the ball on the fact that I am actually to get others to write these letters as well.  I had forgotten that part. But I got so excited, realizing this was exactly what dh needs right now. And so I sent a plea out to those I thought would be interested. And the response has been incredible. You are part of that plea. If you would pray for my dh this weekend, I would so greatly appreciate it! He needs this relationship with God. He needs to lean on Him. He needs to be rejuvenated. And He needs to understand how losing this baby fits with the idea of a loving and merciful God.

Thank you so much for all your prayers and kind words. But if at least for this weekend, you could direct those at my dh, it would mean so much! Any comments left below will copied and shared with him. Thanks in advance!

Mentally and Physically Exhausted

I am sorry for the absence. While I have the time, I don't seem to have the energy to do much.

Friday was my D&C. For those of you that didn't see my update, sweet Charlie broke me that morning. He came and sat on my lap. He told me with great excitement, that he knew why I was having surgery. "It's to fix your belly, so you can have lots and lots of cute babies!" He was clearly proud. I looked him in the eyes and hugged him, and gently corrected him. "No, baby. It isn't that. I wish though. Actually, the doctors told mommy that I won't be able to have more babies because of my belly. Any babies we have will be those whose mommy's and daddy's can't take care of them."Well, here I had not wanted to drop the bomb of the baby dying before school or bed, so we were waiting until Saturday. And, of course, this was equally devastating to him. He went to school (I found out today) and told his teacher immediately. She said, "I am sorry. I know that's very sad for you." His reply was, "yes, but more so for mom." He is such a beautiful old soul.

The surgery itself went well. Since it wasn't until 1pm, I had a busy morning. Before surgery I literally ran up to the church and talked to Fr. Mike (our head priest) and got him up to speed. I went to the cemetery and, since the baby had died, I could sign the paperwork and they could assign him a spot. We put Gerard and our last name, and our best guess at the day he died, 2.12.15 (The day he no longer had a heartbeat) on his headstone. I handled it all pretty well and wasn't upset. I was happy, to bury him. To think of it, I really hadn't cried hard since the day the progesterone dropped low. Just a few tears when telling people that he actually passed. I got more brochures from the cemetery to continue my mission.

Surgery went well. You know I think I have had 20 surgeries or so!. Not good, right? All minor, but still! I have had about 5 eye surgeries (lazy eye, plus one benign tumor removed), two cysts removed, at least 3 laps for endo, and this was my 5th D&C because I had one after Anthony's birth and one minor one as part of the Dr. Toth treatment. So, while I am no good with narcotics and need lots of anti nausea, we figured this out long ago and they compensated just fine. There was a little tension prior to surgery. Dr. Snider had told me I could take the baby with me, but then the nurse told me pathology needed him. I told Dr. Snider, and he fought the lab who were insisted I come back for baby Tuesday. The nurse was clearly worried they would forget and dispose. Doctor said basically, look, I have done this before. Take a sample now. Do what you need from this, but she is taking the baby now. He clarified again we weren't looking for any testing, only whatever may be required by the hospital.

As a result, we brought our baby home. The container looked like a small margarine container, solid white and in then that was in a bag. We were told the refrigerator or freezer would be best, and since we had an empty freezer in our garage that is where we stored the baby. I snuck out to the garage at least a few times since to kiss the baby while I am able.

I continued to not be that upset. My mom had made us dinner, and taken care of the boys during the surgery. My dad had driven me, and dh came for all he could (before, during, and then left after the doctor came to talk to him). His work is so nuts and stressful. Ugh.

My in laws had plans to come in town for the weekend before they knew. In fact, I told her only that morning before my surgery. We were glad they were still coming and she helped a lot with kids and cleanup. We enjoyed their company and distraction and they loved on the boys.

Recovery went very well. I have continued to have very little bleeding, and only wore a pad the first day of surgery. One ob/gyn told me the little bleeding was due to him cauterizing my cervix. I wonder if this obgyn did the same? I must have had decent IV meds that lasted, because I didn't feel raw and sore inside until Sunday morning. It lasted about 24-36 hrs and was alright with a few ibuprofen.

We told Charlie and AJ that we were pregnant and the baby had died Saturday morning. It was short and sweet. After we gave them stuffed animals for their Valentines. They handled it well. Charlie, later when he was hungry and crabby, commented he didn't like the name (which has changed now). He said he wanted a girl, and also wanted the baby to be named Jack. We explained why it was important to us to have him be Gerard, then I got the idea that Charlie could provide the middle name (we didn't give any of our losses middle names). He didn't think Jack sounded good as a middle name, he thought about Seven, and finally settled on Nike. I looked it up and it means victory, which is fitting. I will explain why in another post.

Saturday day Charlie has his last basketball game for winter season. Dh is coaching, which is awesome. No one there knew, and it was pretty normal. My in laws were great, but I can't say it didn't get a little awkward with them this weekend. First, they are Lutheran. They have very similar beliefs to us if you go with one of their subjects, the other is into women priests (American? I don't know...) However, I said something about purgatory (not in relation to our babies, but us) and realized too late I hit on a difference. I just held my tongue when FIL said it wasn't in the bible and Jesus dying on the cross was all that was needed. Sigh. I didn't have it in me to get into it. It only got more awkward from there when FIL asked why the heck we didn't put my eggs with dh's sperm in a surrogate. So I had to explain (on my own, dh was somewhere else) that it was against our belief system because it separates creation of child from the act, that it wouldn't fix our problem, that it is costly, that it often leads to weeding out of fertilized embryos, that it didn't have particularly high rates of success. And that we were just plain done when it came to a bio child. Dh and I agree we are glad they are comfortable enough to ask, so that the silver lining.

We asked about my SIL that is ttc since married (her dh was married before and had a child and then a vasectomy that they reversed last Sept). I know she is sad with each month passing. She emailed us and said she was sorry about our loss, and then could she host a weight loss home based business party in our house? She would call us tonight. Um, not now, but thanks. We are a bit overwhelmed with everything at the moment. She said they are moving on to IVF if they don't get pregnant soon on their own. (dh and sibling were all raised Catholic-dad was Catholic and mom was Lutheran. Dad passed when dh, oldest, was 12. Mom remarried Lutheran 5 yrs later. all local family is Lutheran. Sister doesn't attend church anymore. Dh went to RCIA when met me and got confirmed before proposing. His other brother found God during NA, but since moving closer to us he has stayed clean but hasn't attended a church).

We went ahead and did our annual tradition for Valentine's day (we at the fancy restaurant dh proposed to me in. For much more fun reading see my post from after the fact here) but made it an early night. Happy to see that night Gaffigan is coming to town this summer, so fun to think ahead when things will be lighter around here.

Sunday, when I started feel raw, I also started feeling a little snappy. I hadn't heard from Fr. Mike about a funeral date, and had expected to Saturday. I saw Fr. Edward after mass, and it was clear that Fr. Mike hadn't talked to him yet. Which left it on me to tell him the baby was for sure gone, had surgery, waiting to hear from Fr. Mike re prayer service in response to all his specific questions I wasn't expecting to answer in the lobby. I lost it. Poor father. And dh came running up because he was over talking to someone else. Sometimes it hits me when I don't expect it, you know? I lost it again walking out of church, big sobs.

Fr. Gerard called Sun pm. After being in Phillipines for a family matter, he had been on retreat. He is back and talked to Fr. Mike. We find out he will do the service Ash Wed at noon (prayer service-a mass would be too long for dh to miss work over lunch) and committal at the grave site. Fr. Edward wants to come as well, which is incredibly sweet, so he was able to switch masses with the head priest (Fr. Mike) to cover his ash Wed lunch mass so we can do this. Everyone is being incredibly sweet and accommodating. Of course, it is going to be insanely cold on Wed...we decided not to pull kids from school to attend. We will take them to the grave when the headstone is done to see where he is.

Monday and Tuesday my oldest was off school, which was awesome. I took AJ to preK for half day Monday (they are always open because they do aftercare for school age) so C could have a play date. When I turned on the tv, it jumped to Horton from last night, the boy asked if that was for AJ. Charlie very matter of factly explained that our baby died, his name was Gerard, I got to name his middle name, and we watched the movie in honor of him because a person is a person no matter how small. Wow. I didn't see that all spilling out. So I emailed his mom and explained and apologized. I had told Charlie before, but reiterated it's okay to talk about it, and if you are feeling sad it is best to seek out a grown up you trust.

My friend who thought her daughter may have down syndrome or some other trisomy that might result in a still born got her amnio results Monday. The immediate results said none of those, so they are waiting the rest of the results to come in. Thank you for praying for her.

Monday, I called the funeral home and they said it wasn't too late to add a middle name to the stone, so Nike it is. Regarding the funeral today, none of my family is coming. And while I said I don't care and thought I meant it, I really do care. I am trying to be charitable about it and not judge the reasoning, but am mostly hurt by my mom (whose reasoning was she was baby-sitting KT, now KS's son). As if no one else can do that. And my dad as well, who didn't seem to think it was necessary to rely to my invitation at all. I really can't say anything to my dh or sisters about it or it fuels an ongoing issue where they feel defensive of me...I completely know friends would come if we asked, I have the most incredible IRL friends and online support so it isn't that. I decided before I invited my family that all I need there for me is dh. He is enough. And so if they want to come for them, no problem. But my mom-it hurts a little.

Tuesday we ran a ton of errands (including picking up the baby's container), and also did some donating to a great organization for foster care and kid's at risk for being removed. I am so proud of my boys, who gave their sleeping bags to kids that have no beds (7 kids in a double wide trailer, no money, plus lice now to boot. The girls are getting bullied for their clothes-please pray for them!)

Today my day began with a rosary for a young man my age, dad of 4 (including a newborn) that has colon cancer. Please keep him in your prayers. I was able to go to the early mass, so now I need to prepare for the funeral. Thank you again for all your support and prayers.

This One Won't Be the Same...Updated

...because my baby Gerard will have a proper burial.  I found out, after my last post, from AJ's godmother that the local Catholic cemetary (read as 2 seconds from my house) did burials for an insanely reasonable amount. Honestly, I believe the idea of a funeral entered my head with past babies, but I assumed it would be outrageously expensive. I also assumed my husband wouldn't go for it, and it would be a fight. So I didn't go there. A decision made from lack of information.

When something terrible happens, people don't want to discuss it. I am no exception. It is just recently that I have opened up to a fellow blogger, my mom, and some friends that when I passed Nicholas (loss #4), I had him in my hands. I didn't expect it. I was early. He was perfect. I was in awe and simultaneously terrified. I didn't know what to do. I had no plan. My husband didn't know what to do. He was totally freaked out. It was winter, a fire was going. I knew people buried babies on their land. I have two digging up worms type of boys and a large German Shepherd. I didn't feel comfortable with that. I didn't love it, but I considered us cremating the baby. It was better than flushing the baby down the toilet with the rest. Before then I had two D&C's after losses and one loss very early where nothing was discernible. This was different. I was so unprepared. Due to fear, and lack of information, my baby went knowingly back in the toilet. It makes me want to throw up. It really was our dirty little secret. I felt like a pro life fraud. I felt alone. No support in that area of my loss. 

But this baby will be different. After my friend telling me, I called. And yesterday I heard back. Yes, they have a program. Just a few years old or so, so not around for my first two losses. For a mere $75, you can have a service if you like, a 12x12 plot, and a 12x12 headstone engraved with the baby's name and date. They supply the container and everything you need. And you know what? You can bring the baby in yourself, so if you pass the baby at home that is totally fine. I just assumed there were rules against that sort of thing! The baby is buried in their Memorial garden for miscarriage and stillborns (there are more rules so the cost is more for stillborns-$300 and you do your own headstone, which someone shared with me can be done cheaply through a link I will try to remember to come back and supply). The garden has the Infant of Prague statue. It is beautiful. There is a wall where all the names are engraved again. And it is right off my street the way I pass at least twice a day, and this area is right where I can see from the road. I can hardly believe it exists, and yet, what I really can't believe is how I didn't know about it. After I talked to the woman I went and saw for myself. This Catholic cemetery, so beautiful. Clearly valuing life. The Knights have a memorial to all the victims of abortion. It is just incredible. 

Well, you know I am a woman on a mission now. I took pamphlets and they are already gone. I am telling my doctor (Catholic pro life, never said a word before). I am telling my mother, who is a social worker at the hospital. I am telling my priests. I already had it announced at the arch diocesan bible study and I can't tell you how many women will be reached. Laura H said based on the response to her announcement this was very new information to most. I am sure. My mom lost a 20 week old and she was never able to have a funeral. So sad!

Gerard will be at rest so close! Likely where dh and I will be buried. While I wish they were all there, I can't change the past. I can only help others who don't know. 

Tomorrow I have a D&C. It is fast, I know. But I decided on one recently for several reasons, some good and some not. First, my children and I are doing the swimming thing March 1. I can swim 2 weeks post operation per my doctor's office. I could swim if I did it natural, but I probably wouldn't want to. I have bled before for a long time. It is hard to see that blood. It is painful emotionally. I am a control person. I don't like not knowing where or when. When it gets bad, it's heavy blood and cramping. I don't want that to sneak up on my when I am with my kids. I have bad memories of doing it at home with Nicholas. And Michael, my first. I had a D&C with Michael, but it was scheduled so far out I did pass all but Michael at home. I was more than 10 weeks, it was a ton of blood and very scary. I wasn't prepared, thinking I would not do this at home. They kept asking me how much blood, a pad an hour? how does one know when they can't leave the toilet?! So that was my reasoning.

Once I decided I called the doctor's office. My sono wasn't until Monday. I was curious if they thought they would get me in that Wed. Except the doc was going to be out of town all week. They let me get scanned today, and the baby had passed. Still measuring 6 weeks, so no growth in exactly 7 days. And no heartbeat. It was hard, but good. And you know the tech was Catholic and didn't know about the cemetery option? So there you go!

I got a good reflection someone shared with me I want to pass on with you, but dh is home with the antibacterial soap so I need to start prepping by showering and getting some food. I can't eat after midnight and surgery isn't until 1pm CST! Please pray for me. I know you will, and I am so comforted by that!

Update: God is purifying me by fire today. I am starving despite the cookie dough and milk at 10pm and the dinner that followed. I am such a wuss when it comes to food. But mostly because Charlie (who knows I am having surgery, has been reassured it isn't major and i am okay, and we haven't told about pregnancy because we are waiting until he is home all weekend to process it) told me this morning excitedly: "I know why you are having surgery today, mama! It's to fix your broken belly so we can have lots and lots of cute babies!" I told him we just found out recently that my broken belly isn't fixable and that no more babies will be grown in my belly; however, maybe someday we can help someone who can't take care of their own baby by raising it." This. This child! But that won't kill  me as much as the people who know what is going on and make comments like the one I got this morning after a preK drop off; it was basically that she had two boys and is totally done because, you know, if she had another boy she would die. Seriously? Seriously! Even knowing our situation. And that we have two boys. Obviously we wouldn't die if we got another boy. Some people. We are put here to wake them from their obliviousness. More on that when I can write the next post. I am offering everything today up for my child's godparents, for my friend waiting for her amnio results (she is at risk for a stillborn due to a genetic condition the baby may have based on bloodwork), and for all those waiting and wanting a(nother) child. 

I am Not Alone

Yesterday wasn't the best. It was tough.

The DCF visit went fine and was over quickly. It started with a frustrating statement. She said "I thought of you yesterday regarding the story where the car was stolen with a baby inside." Honestly, how rude! Yes, a car can be stolen in 2 seconds, even with a child inside and parents standing right there as was this case. However, my car wasn't on! My keys were not it! The car was locked! Sigh. I realize I put my child at risk and won't again, but geez! Anyway, I  am sure she would have rather stayed than gone on to less healthy situations she deals with day in and day out.

I received the "I am sorry you are miscarrying" email from Dr. Hilger's nurses. And Dr. Toth replied and basically said he was sorry there wasn't more he could do, but I have antibiotic resistant infection and there isn't anything else he has to give me. Essentially the result of this is we should actively avoid getting pregnant if we even have the possibility of ovulating. That sort of makes ovulating a bad thing, instead of the good thing it should be. I am also irritated because Dr. Toth knew we were basically resistant or getting resistant when we went in for treatment in NY. So what was his plan when I got pregnant? To continue to give me the abx he knows I am resistant to. Even this pregnancy he gave me those and then said he would try to find something different if the pregnancy continued. So what is this plan? Evidently it was that a miracle abx would be developed. Good grief!

 "i have no remedy, sorry. If I hear anything about a miracle antibiotic, you will be the first to know about it."

I told everyone that knew yesterday. It was hard, but I feel their support and prayers.

I know some women that when a loss is going on, there is really nothing anyone can say and they find fault with nearly every well meaning response. I don't think I am that way, but I was very irritated yesterday by a seemingly well meaning response. I wasn't expecting my son's teacher at his Catholic to school to ask us if we have tried IVF. It's well meaning, yes. And completely ignorant. Ignorant because it doesn't match our issue. She is brain washed it is the cure all like everyone else. Ignorant because it isn't helpful to suggest something against the church's teaching when someone is feeling weak and vulnerable. She is culpable for sin too, in that case, I would think. And especially it's ignorant, as many Catholics are, that there is something better out there. The Creighton Model and Naprotechnology treat the cause of the problem, is data based, is proactive. So I let her know 1) it wouldn't work because it isn't for our issue 2) it bypasses the body's natural defenses to protect it from getting pregnant when something is really wrong WITHOUT FIXING WHAT'S WRONG and 3) we thought we were giving up cutting edge treatment, but we did so to be faithful Catholics. Then we were rewarded with the best irony-the 2000 yr old church houses the most cutting edge fertility treatment available thanks to Dr. Hilgers. There. See if she brings that one up again! Geez! Hopefully she left with a little more hope to offer people in the future.

Yesterday was also hard because I am researching my options and I have decided to look into burial after a friend let me know the Catholic cemetery has a spot for miscarried babies and stillborns. I assumed no such option existed and funerals would be insanely expensive. It seems that isn't necessarily the case, so I am getting the information. Perhaps I can pass this info on to my Catholic ob/gyn and my priests so that this can be brought up to others that might benefit. I can't believe this was never mentioned to me. Something I definitely want to share with others.

I realized yesterday I was especially bitter because I was fine. I was happy. We had closed that door. In that way I empathize with a friend, Rhiannon. We had accepted the cross of IF. In her case she had adopted. Was happy. Convinced to do one more try. Then pregnancy. Then loss. And the wound, which was healed, is ripped right back open. And in our case, an extra bit of salt, you are ovulating. Not good for helping keep babies around, just saved you $5 on clomid and now you have to avoid forever. Aren't you glad you spent $18k for that treatment in NY so you could do that? Ugh.

So that was yesterday. Today is a new day (Lord, your Lourdes talk at mass continues to be ironic. Maybe its another kind of healing we should shoot for!) Thanks, everyone, for letting me know I am not alone. Your prayers carry me when I can't put one foot in front of the other. Please pray for my friend, Beth. She has had two losses like us, and two kids our children's age that go to school with them. Her husband needed meds for them to conceive. They are not Catholic and he was about to have a vasectomy when she got pregnant unexpectedly (no meds for him) in Aug. They almost immediately lost the baby. They got pregnant again, and they are about 20 weeks. They opted for the early blood test for the gender and found out there was a chance of Down Syndrome. So they did another blood test, which showed increased chance of triple X or trisomy 18. This is confusing and stressful. It's a slippery slope. They are now having an amnio, because the not knowing is incredibly stressful. The chance of miscarriage with amnio is greater than the chance their child actually has one of these. I feel for them. I am grateful they are not tempted to miscarry. I wonder how many unsuspecting moms choose this test to know gender and end up with more info than they bargained for or wanted. How many abort out of fear, and their child may not have anything. God help us with these slippery slopes!

Bad Things Do Happen to Good People-and it's okay

So Sunday's readings focused on Job and the homily was why bad things happen to good people. I think it was good for dh to be reminded.And thankfully, it looks like he is going to get the job he applied for (after 5 long years of looking). And it looks to be a perfect match. If he hadn't gotten the job, I think he may have entered a very dark depression. There is only so much one person can take. It was nice to have something to be happy about. After mass, I let Fr. Edward (who did the blessing of the throats on me) know what is happening with the baby.

My mom had told me my little sister (KT-now KS) is mad at God for me. So I decided to write her a message. I wrote: I wanted to let you know I am okay. Really. You saw me on the worst day. I am at peace. My faith carries me. We can talk about it sometime, but I am definitely not mad at God. Not at all. I know how much you hate this for me. I do. and I appreciate that. Sometime we will talk more about it. I don't want you to think it's an off limits topic or you can't talk to me about the losses for fear of making me sad. I don't mind talking about my babies-living or in heaven. The goal of life isn't happiness, though there is certainly joy along the way. The goal of life is heaven. As a mother, that's the ultimate goal for my children. And so, as with every person that loses someone, I selfishly want them here. But as you well know, selfishness has no place in parenting. We give everything of ourselves for our children. I gave this baby life. God allowed dh and I a hand in co-creating this child. This brought me immense joy! And my faith tells me my lap will be full in heaven with all 7 of my beautiful babies one day! That blows my mind. I don't know why 4, likely five, were taken so soon. But I do trust God. Unlike our earthly father, our Heavenly Father is perfect. And He only desires good for me. His goal is for me to get to heaven too, and I know my babies are one of those ways. I also know the good that has come from our journey. The closeness of dh and I, the strengthening of our faith, teaching our children about loss and life and the goal of life and leading them by example. But maybe most of all using our story to teach others about God's plan, about authentic healthcare and such. We have a mutual mission that has come out of our story. It has helped make us who we are. I know you can empathize (my sister lost her fiancee and only recently remarried her best friend).  God hasn't finished our tory yet. He might have adoption and fostering in our future. I am excited to see what is next. Even death is not the end of our story. That is what our faith has taught us. I love you!" She replied saying if that was my worst, wow, and how my faith is inspiring and she is proud of me. How we will talk more when I am not in the middle of it and how she will pray for a miracle. I replied and let her know that I didn't actually mean when I saw her I was at my worst, but that day, and that I the worst was hyperventilating sobs on the floor of my closet after the level was returned at 9 and then I told her about the homily since she has brought up the why do bad things happen to good people question. It was good, and just another example of how God uses our story to open doors that wouldn't normally be there. My sister doesn't attend church and her baby is unbaptized. She wasn't married in a church. So I am grateful for the conversation.

Today started with another rosary (AJ keeps asking to go!) and Chaplet of Divine Mercy in the adoration chapel. Keep in mind him asking to go doesn't mean he prays it or is particularly reverent. But he is reasonably quiet. Even if the crucifix on the rosary becomes an airplane short term. :) I dropped him at preK and noticed the Feb bible quote was Phillipians 4:6-7 (Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving make your request known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.)  Next I went to mass. It was about healing again. You know where my faith fails? I fail to really beg God for a miracle and make that request known to Him. Even though I know He is capable. I just don't really doubt what He has chosen for the outcome I guess. And maybe it's too painful.

I had my scan at 11am. I was a little surprised she could still measure the heartbeat at such a low rate (50's). They may be able to see it later, but they won't be able to measure it any lower. Unless I hear differently I will keep the scan and appt with doctor on Monday. I didn't see him today. The ultrasound tech said "I hate you have to wait until there is no heartbeat to do anything." I replied "I don't mind, it leaves room for God." Not everyone in the office is as pro life as my doctor.

I have been thinking a lot about natural miscarriage versus D&C. I don't like to do a D&C with every one, but it has been about every other. It's the easy way out, and I don't mind. Somethings are okay to be easy. It means less uncertainty of when and where, and will I be at home with the kids and able to care for them. I means less fear, will I see the baby like last time? I was so unprepared and wasn't happy with the outcome. However, I don't recall the instructions. I may not be able to swim after. We have an overnight hotel booked with an indoor water park for March 1st with the boys. I want to be in the water with them. So that might factor in as well. I emailed dr. Toth. If he thinks infection will be worse as a result, I won't do it. I don't want to feed the monster.

I have thoughts about our next steps with kids too. I am mulling it all over. It may seem soon, but it helps. I will save those thoughts for another post when I can think more clearly.

Oh, and our DCF visit is tomorrow. She has to come to my home and watch me interact with my 4 yr old. Awkward. I decided we will play Bonopoly Jr (his pronunciation). It is adorable, highly entertaining, and something we do regularly. Maybe that will make it less awkward. :)

My Own Version of Hell-Updated Twice

Excuse the dramatics, it's been one hell of a 24 hrs.

A moment ago the local ob/gyn's nurse called with my progesterone level. (Recall I have no PPVI levels this entire pregnancy because no lab would ship. However, I found a lab that will ship recently and will do a draw tomorrow). Normally non-Hilgers labs are worthless because the range of normal is incredibly wide due to lab variability. Unfortunately my lab was so incredibly shitty, it even picked up on their radar as very low. I was a 9. I was on the max of progesterone in oil shots on top of HCG injections. Nine. I called PPVI almost hyperventilating I was so upset (so yes, my peace just flew out the window at my first number. I am so weak!). I wanted to know if they would say the number was worthless. They didn't. Stephanie got on and said how sorry she was. She may have said this isn't for sure. That nine was maybe more like a ten or eleven and that babies can survive. I don't know. My head was spinning. What she wasn't saying was the number was totally worthless. So I sobbed harder.  My doctor didn't, to my disappointment, move up my Mon scan. I think they thought they were being humane and letting it play out longer to avoid limbo land after a scan. But guess what? I live in limbo land. so the absolute worst case scenario is the scan is inconclusive, and I have to...you guessed it wait until Monday. Like I am already doing. I called the nurse back and left a message asking her to call in a scan to the place across the street that does them all day long-day and night. I have been there before, even though they prefer their office (their lady only works Mon and Wed). So there is that. But that, friends is just one of two major stressors today. Update-the nurse said I can get scanned today after talking to the doctor so I will go in and let you know when I hear anything. Update: I was scanned and the baby's heartbeat was 79. The growth was a six days behind. This is the beginning of the end.

(for anyone who might doubt I look like I am showing. This is what being a narrow size 4 with 6 pregnancies under your belt looks like with number 7. The body just knows what to do I guess!)

Last week for the first time ever, I left my 4 yr old in a car with a window cracked and locked in front of our church school, across the street from my church and preschool. Not a main road. Not an obscure road. A road in the middle of my people. For two minutes. I literally mean 120 seconds or less. I called ahead for my 6 yr old to be pulled for a doc appt. They usually have him in the office, but he wasn't quite there. But close. He clearly had coat and bag together and just had to be walked two doors down. As I walked out, a women held the door for me and it was clear she was coming in for me. She was a DCF worker (Dept of Children and Families). I got a verbal warning. That was Thursday. My brother in law works in foster care, so I asked him if I should be concerned (other than the fact that my husband may kill me. He is 100 times more safety concerned than I am, and to say I am lax would be laughable. My 4 and 6 yr old have never been outside alone (front or back). They have never not held a hand for two seconds or rode without carseats. We don't take risks. Except me, this day, this way. For the first time. And even then I had a twinge of "should I have done that?" that I ignored because I am constantly babying AJ because he is my youngest.  Please-keep in mind. I have my PhD in education. I am a part time worker and a full time mom. I am room mother, volunteer, party planner, up at the schools all the time, everyone knows me. To make matters more laughable, as I was getting Charlie the next day and a friend (who is very very conscientious) asks if AJ is in the car. No, I said, I never leave him in the car for school pickup. He was at preK. Oh, she said, I leave Conner all the time. He never wants to come in. So I say, funny story, and go on to mortify the hell out of her.

Which takes us to last night when my dh brings a pamphlet off the front porch which is titled "why you are being investigated." It has a social workers card on the back that says "call me." How he didn't look further, I don't know. But I hid it (he has a huge job interview Sat am he is flying out for-5 people for 4 hrs-and he doesn't need the stress) and texted my brother in law that said, " I am sorry. Just do whatever they ask and don't act like you don't need what they offer." Humble. Very humbling.
I tell a friend and she had been just that moment prior to our call meditating on Exodus14:14 which basically says God will fight for me and I am to stay still. Very appropriate. So I kept it all to myself, knowing I would call the social worker back Fri so that dh would be at work and he wouldn't be able to talk to her until he returned.

So that brings us to today. So I drop Charlie off, take AJ to a rosary and divine mercy chaplet in the adoration chapel and head to bible study. Then I assist in the atrium for CGS like I do every Thursday. Totally sounds like someone that beats her kids, right?  Well, she called while I was out and then she called my husband when she didn't reach me. I didn't know this until I called her back. She told me that it was submitted and that she visited Charlie at school Tues and AJ Wed. What the what? And neither the school or my kids said a word?! I answered her questions satisfactory and my kids answer matched, and she said she would talk to dh and then close the case stating the claims were unsubstantiated. Good! I text dh and said not to call her, I had it covered and hoped it would suffice.

Then I got the progesterone result and called PPVI. Then he called and I pulled it together, miraculously, but he still wanted to know why she called and at least at that point I could say it was going to be okay. He was not happy. And I didn't want to add to his stress! But I lost it and he was clear there was more than that, so he got the whole kitten caboodle right before he went into the rest of his long day during his busiest time. Where he is going to come home and prep and then do it all again tomorrow only to fly out.

So then I called the preK and explained because only God knows what they were thinking (they said that it was a mistake!) and now I get to do the same at the Elementary. I will not be embarrassed of this, but rather use it as a teaching moment for others. So that is how my day has gone so far. Someone is going to have to commit me because I am not that strong. I asked God to make me a saint. I don't know what the heck I was thinking with that one!

Friday update: Today was a full non-working day. I went to rosary/divine mercy chaplet at adoration, then mass. Then I went into Elementary school and explained the situation with DCF to the counselor who will share it with others at my request. I went ahead and got the blood draw for progesterone and the new lab mailed it to PPVI. I got the shots from the doctor since dh was at work at that point (and leaving on a plane for a big interview after work. Please please please pray he gets this job!). I went to lunch with my mom, rested 30 min and took a shower. I got ready and even put lipstick on. I felt better. I got my kids and held them close! We snuggled with take out and watched a movie. I devoured a pounder of almond M&M's. It's 8:30pm Fri and I am in my pjs about to watch Grey's Anatomy (don't judge, I never stopped watching...). And you know what? I am okay? I only cried a few times today talking to people. They were eyes well up with tears not gut wrenching hyperventilating sobs like yesterday. My mom told me at lunch that my sister is upset for me. Defensive of me and mad at God for allowing this when she prayed so hard. And I defended God to my mom. I am not mad at Him. I trust Him. I asked for His will this whole time. And I stand by that. I am okay because he allows me to be okay through His grace. Thank you for your prayers, everyone!