3.31.2010

Random Updates

Nothing really new to post.  The blood draws have slowed down substantially.  I got one yesterday and every two weeks for progesterone and continue shots twice a week.  Dh is getting back in the swing of things and helping remind me since I have been so forgetful (we had to do one over lunch in the back of his suv because I forgot the night prior!)  My prog was 24.5 when I tested peak plus 7, 38.5 when I tested pos at peak plus 17, and 22.4 when I tested two weeks ago yesterday, which dropped me into zone 2 from zone 3.  I am not fretting about it as my prog was all over the place last time and they just kept adjusting to accomodate and things were fine.

I have an ob appt next week (Tues) and he will do another "quick peak" ultrasound.  at that time I will be 9 weeks 2 days.  If he sees a good heartbeat then (actually after 8 weeks) then he says our chance of miscarriage is around 3%.  We will take that!  After that I will see him once a month.  I don't know how often I will continue to get ultrasounds. 

I have not had a ton of pregnancy symptoms.  I am tired, but a 30 min or 1 hr nap usually means I can go to bed around the regular time or just a half hour earlier (about 10pm).  Charlie is cooperating by mostly sleeping through the night (until teeth rear their evil head again!)  I am nauseated when I don't eat, but I can usually eat small amounts and stay on top of it.  Not a ton of stuff sounds good, so that is the biggest challenge.  Of course, my belly looks like all I do is eat!  I showed pretty early with Charlie and I knew to expect earlier with number two.  Of course, there is nothing cute and pregnant about it, it just looks like everything has relaxed, but I remind myself it isn't me. :)

I am looking forward to Easter despite my horrible keeping of Lenten resolutions.  We will color eggs as a family on Saturday morning over here, and then mass and a big meal on Sunday.  We may also do an Easter hunt with the cousins.  It will be fun that Charlie is going to "get it" this year (he is turning 18 months on the 8th and has his well baby appt tomorrow).  I have had fun putting together a basket of little toys and Christian books.  I would love to hear all of your Easter traditions.  We are constantly trying to think of what ones we want to carry on in our own family.

Have a blessed Easter! 

3.25.2010

"Well-Meaning" TTC Advice

I had to post an TTC video by Strirrup Queen-I think you will all appreciate the good laugh about the "well meaning" advice given by family members, etc.  Though I have been blessed not to have to hear from many "aunt Jane's" myself, I was actually on the receiving end once.  A supposed friend of a friend was talking to me about our mutual friend, who was actually in a very similiar IF situation to myself.  This girl I was talking to, she just couldn't believe what a big deal her friend was making about getting pregnant.  I can still hear her words she said since they stung in my ears "why doesn't she just relax and have se.x with her husband already?!"  Geez, um, I'll be sure to let her know.  Obviously this girl had no idea what she was talking about-or to whom she was talking to!  Our friend had gone through years of heartache and tears, doctors and research, and miscarriage after miscarriage!  And this girl was supposed to be a friend!  There ought to be a manual!  (Come to think of it, I have seen a few good ones on blogs!)

3.22.2010

Tragedy and Joy Both Came in Threes

Tonight I am grieving with a friend.  I think I mentioned that I am pregnant at the same time as 3 friends.  One is from out of town, where IF brought us together because we share the same two doctors; she and I have children that are close in age; due the same day as the first is another friend in town that I know through my husband-they suffered two miscarriages at the same time as us and have a son just a few months older than ours; and a third, our son's godparents who live just down the street.  They have 2 children already, including one girl that is Charlie's age.  She was the one that was the least far along.  I was going to watch her children Friday while she went to have an ultrasound.  However, in a cruel twist of fate, she lost the baby over the last few days while she was out of town. 

In one fell swoop, her innocence about pregnancy is gone.  It has been replaced with fear.  Fear to get pregnant again, fear it will happen again, that it will become secondary infertility.  The ignorance was bliss.  I never wanted her to share the pain, to know what a miscarriage felt like.  Of the 4 pregnant, 3 with a history of IF and miscarriage, she is the one that won't get to hear her baby's heartbeat Fri.  She, instead, had to experience things she shouldn't have ever known-the fear of losing a pregnancy out of town, away from your doctor, the calls where the doctor on call tries to explain the difference between a normal amount of bleeding and hemorrhaging that would require a visit to the ER.  She has to be reminded everytime she wipes and see blood.  She has to go in for hcg levels to see the numbers fall instead of rise.  She hadn't really ever had to pay attention to hcg levels before.  I wish she still didn't.

I can't believe today that I had to send my third "I am sorry you miscarried" card this month.  I think I have mentioned before that I am surrounded by those with IF and miscarriage.  I wasn't kidding!  The three that have lost children this month, I am so sad for them!  One was blissfully ignorant and conceived a much desired honeymoon baby.  One couple tried and tried and sought help through a local good Catholic doctor and finally conceived only to lose the baby.  And now this one.  She hadn't really told anyone yet.  She would have been 6 weeks today.  Consequently she only has a few folks praying for her.  I am asking all of you to pray for her, and these 2 other women, that they can heal, that they can hope again and leave fear behind, that they may hold their own beautiful children in their arm sometime soon.

3.21.2010

Ten Things about the Hubs

I have so enjoyed reading about everyone else's dh's (thanks, Anne!) so I have been meaning to add mine to the mix.


Our proposal actually sums up dh quite well, it was incredibly well planned and thought out since he is such a planner, very personal and reflected how well he knew me by having my family there at the end and other nice touches, involved delicious food which we like to enjoy together, he listened to me about wanting quality over size, but he wanted size in the ring so he got both, but he didn't want to pay an arm and leg so he found a way to get what he wanted for the price he wanted (by doing research, taking his time, and networking!).



Here are my ten facts about dh:

  1. Dh is strong and sure about himself and his choices.  He doesn't waffle when it is time to make a decision.  He is a man of facts and figures, and doesn't get overly emotional when it comes to decision making.  For example, when Dr. Hilgers told us we should ttc right away, dh didn't think twice.  He told me it was a "no brainer" since we wanted a family and this gave us our best odds.  He is definitely a numbers man, but then he is an accountant and I can't fault him for that.  He makes lots of good financial decisions for our family and our long term future.  No one could accuse him of being short sighted or overly impulsive.  He is my rock.
  2. He is a family man.  Dh has loved children since long before I met him.  And he is a natural.  He knows how to get down on their level and correct them in a way that doesn't make them cry, but makes them want to please him.  He also knew how to get down on his hands and knees and really play.  His neighbor girl fell in love with him at his first house, and would come ring the bell for him to play!  I used to think he didn't want a girl because he was so into sports, but then I saw him with my nieces and the neighbor and knew that wasn't the case.  My niece would literally walk around with our engagement picture before she was two and say "my (his name)."  (I used to say "hey, I am on here too!")  Finally I got to the real answer from him about having girls "Girls grow up and meet boys.  I know about how boy's think!"  Haha!  Dh will be on the porch with a shot gun for sure!  He definitely hasn't disappointed since we've had our son.  He is an incredibly involved loving father.
  3. On a similar note, dh takes his role of parenting and being a husband very seriously.  Not just financially as mentioned above, but specifically here I am talking in the safety relm.  To the point that I give him great grief about it (I call him "safety patrol" and "hall monitor!")  He was the king of everything approved by consum.er reports for our son.  He doesn't like the blinds open in the play room because someone might be walking by and see how cute Charlie is and want to steal him.  Seriously.  I could go on, but you get the picture.  It is nice, but sometimes it gets tiresome. I appreciate it deep down.  Very deep down.  Safety is why dh doesn't have his name on my blog.  I am trying to protect his privacy, though I don't care nearly as much if I protect my own.
  4. Dh is incredibly affectionate.  On our first date we were in an elevator and he begged to kiss my cheeks. He genuinely is a cheek pincher.  Like an 80 year old aunt stuck in a 34 year old man's body-lol.  I knew when I met him we would never get to the point where we don't kiss anymore.  We kiss.  We snuggle.  We are the annoying couple that shares a chair, or lays together in one recliner.  We spend the whole time after having Charlie in the same twin hospital bed.  We nap in the same porch swing on our deck.  Obviously I love all this closeness as well, so I think I am incredibly lucky!
  5. Nicknames.  It would be hard to talk about dh without talking about his love of giving people nicknames.  I can hardly believe I never had one prior to meeting him and can barely remember the long list of nicknames over the last 7 years.  Where they have come from is fuzzy sometimes, as they evolve and the little thing will start one, but there have been good ones and not so good ones.  I mentioned I was "his big woman" throughout my entire pregnancy.  I was "Snicks" for a long time from "snickerdoodle" and then shortened to "snicks" and then for a time it was "snickalee" and then it was just "lee."  They get ridiculous, but it is all in good fun.  I think it comes from his fratern.ity roots.  Hmmm. I need to come up with a nickname for dh for this blog...
  6. Success.  Dh strives to be good at everything and he succeeds for the most part.  I really think it stems from losing his dad at 12.  It has defined him in a good way.  He made the most of it.  He is super close with his mom, and he always wanted to make his dad proud.  He worked hard in school, got good grades, made lots of friends, played sports (something his dad and him shared) and excelled at them.  He got a great job.  He was successful by the world's definition.  Somehow along the way, he stopped practicing any faith (his dad was Catholic; his mom is Lutheran and eventually remarried a Lutheran), but I introduced a new definition of success to him and he is working hard to meet that one now too.  There are few things he isn't good at, but those are one's he hasn't worked at enough-golf, patience!, reparing things around the house, and cooking.  However, he is working on all three at the moment and he has perfected grilling chicken, steak, brats, and pork chops to the point I would choose his versions over a restaurant anytime.
  7. Sports.  This is huge.  Defining.  It is definitely its own category.  He watches-football (nfl and college-he has season tickets to his college), basketball (mostly college), and baseball.  He plays.  He played tennis in college on scholarship.  He plays basketball once or twice a week even now and he is good!  He used to play softball when we met (but heck, so did I, lol!)  He got two gold medals at cor.porate challenge year before last-one for single's tennis and one for 3 on 3 basketball.  At the same time he won another local tennis tournament.  Is pop a shot a sport?  He rocks at pop a shot!  lol He also knows tons of sports facts and closely follows recruiting of his alma mater.  He is actually in OK City for the games this week.  It is a huge part of who he is.
  8. Hubby not only works hard, but he "plays hard."  That was always his motto.  He knows how to go out and dance and have a great time.  He loves to sing loud and off key to the music and I love it too!  He has even gotten on stage with the band at a lake (liquid courage) and sang Billy I.dol!  We used to go dancing a ton when we were dating.  We also love to go to piano bars, play video games, play board games especially trivia, and eat out a lot.  We have also taken many nice trips and they are all memorable.  Like when we went to San Di.ego and saw a Charg.ers game and ended up on the jumbo tron.  And went to Na.pa.  And the zoo.  He is a fantastic trip planner.  Or when we rode dolphins together.  Or zip lined in Mex.ico-by the way, not the best place to zip line, something about safety standards not like they are in the U.S.  A story for another day...
  9. Dh is stubborn.  He asked me when we first met if I was stubborn, because if I was it wouldn't work because he was too.  I said yes, even though I didn't think I was, it was just to test him.  In hindsight that probably means I am, right?!  lol  I told him only on important things, because if you hold your ground just to hold it then that is just pride.  I think it made him think.  He chose to look into the Catholic faith (he grew up Catholic but was never confirmed) because he felt it was important to see if he wanted to go down that path as an adult, and it was really important to decide prior to proposing, because that was the right thing to do.  He would never ever ever be Catholic just because I was.  It was too important.  But he is now, and because he chose it.  Which is awesome. Now if he would only elevate faith to the level of sports and safety around here, and he would definitely get me to heaven!
  10. Without dh, I would stay in my task oriented bubble and be checking things off my list instead of living life.  Really living it.  This is just a small example, but if it weren't for dh I wouldn't necessarily notice that it is a beautiful day.  But dh celebrates every beautiful day by encouraging us to take a family walk (with Max the dog) and/or by grilling and us eating outside. 

I have known dh for almost 7 years, and we have been married for three and a half.  I believe he is the perfect person out there for me.  He is my rock, he truly completes me and helps me enjoy life; he brings out the best in me.  No one can make me happier and no one can hurt me more.  He has my heart.


Pictures: the night we got engaged (way above), a wedding that was one of our first dates (now this is at the very bottom-oops!), our first trip together to Chicago, dh's confirmation, singly loudly to American Pie while dancing at our wedding, zip linining in mexico on our honeymoon, and sharing the hospital bed after Charlie's birth.

3.19.2010

Interesting Article on the Healing Mass and Sickness in General

I recently attended my second healing mass, and I loved it so much!  I remember hearing St. James mentioned and was unsure of the correlation.  I found this nice article on americancatholic dot org.

Certainly the tradition or practice of prayer for healing is rooted in the gospel and is as old as the Church.


The Gospels contain numerous stories of Jesus responding to the prayers of the sick or petitions offered on their behalf. And Mark tells us how the disciples “drove out many demons, and they anointed with oil many who were sick and cured them” (6:13).

Further, the Letter of James bids us, “Is anyone among you sick? He should summon the presbyters of the church, and they should pray over him and anoint [him] with oil in the name of the Lord, and the prayer of faith will save the sick person, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed any sins, he will be forgiven” (5:14-15).

Through all these centuries Christians have prayed for the sick. Ministers of the Church have visited and prayed for and with the sick.

Does God answer prayers for healing? You can tour the shrines of the world like Lourdes and Padua and find testimonials of healing in answer to prayers.

In the renewal of Vatican II emphasis was again placed on the healing aspects of the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick. Instead of calling the sacrament Extreme Unction, viewing it as a prayer for those on the verge of death, the ritual speaks of the anointing of the sick and the pastoral care of the sick.

But let us note that even those who receive or received miraculous healings eventually succumb to sickness and death—even those who were healed by Jesus. There is a provisional aspect to every cure.

The charismatic movement in these later years has also emphasized prayers for healing and healing services among many Christians, among them many Catholics. It is in that context we can understand healing Masses—Masses dedicated to prayers and petitions for the sick. In some cases the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick is conferred during these Masses.

As you note from your own experience, not all those who attend such Masses or pray for healing are physically cured or made whole. But then, not everyone who goes on pilgrimage to Lourdes is miraculously cured. Miracle cures are by their nature exceptional. But note that those who fail to obtain physical cures at Lourdes often speak of a kind of spiritual healing, a new peace and acceptance. Surely there is a grace in the prayers and support of those who gather to pray with and for the sick.

The 17th Volume (Supplement) of the New Catholic Encyclopedia, in speaking of Christian healing, comments, “Ministers and theologians of Christian healing continue to debate the reasons some persons are healed, some are only improved and some do not respond at all to prayers for healing” (McNutt, 1974, ch. 18).

We do know that in the Gospels Christ responded to, and often demanded, the faith of people asking for healing.

We also know that we cannot view prayer as granting us an entitlement of some kind. Any properly ordered prayer contains, at least implicitly, the petition of the Lord’s Prayer—“thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” Prayers aren’t magical formulas, as if you could say the right words often enough and get what you want.

Perhaps a person’s eternal welfare is better being served by enduring sickness. Sickness has its own graces, after all. It teaches us to become truly dependent on God. It helps detach us from material things, prepares us to find our hope in God. It is in sickness that we learn humility and in the goodness of those who serve us begin to appreciate the love and compassion of Christ.

Sickness also can make us stop and rethink our goals. It is in the experience of sickness that many have found God and set their feet on the way to holiness.

3.17.2010

St. Valentine's to St. Patrick's Day

Omg-so relieved-not ectopic, saw sac and yolk sac, fetal pole and HEARTBEAT-119 bpm-best day ever! We are having a baby! Thanks for prayers, everyone!!!

I want to apologize for all the drama.  I promise I wasn't trying to stir anything up, I really am not like that, I just get so caught up in the day to day and put probably too much stock in the numbers.  I am sorry to pull you through my roller coaster of emotions, but as I said before, I am glass half full from here on out!  I know things can still happen, but the numbers are on my side from here on out and I would rather enjoy every day than worry.  So here we are.  Planning for another baby and just so amazed at this miracle!  God is so good!

You guys are most awesome prayer warriors!  Seriously, when I was having trouble spending a lot of time in  prayer, I knew you were lifting me up when I couldn't.  That is such a great feeling.  Thank you so much! 

3.16.2010

I am okay-really.

I am not crazy.  I swear I am not.  (Though I am sure crazy people say that right?)  But, seriously.  I am doing okay.  I know that I know nothing and can't control that.  I am waiting.  I am not driving myself crazy in the meantime.  I know that tomorrow will likely give me no new information.  A sac is expected for the most part and a heartbeat is not (do to timing, it would be on the early side and even if we get one, I don't expect it early.  This baby is a late bloomer, lol).  I am cutting myself a little slack in that I am letting myself eat a little sugar (consolation prize), but other than that things are normal.

I do like my blood draws.  I know I said I would give them up, but then I didn't.  Here's why.  Today I had to get one at the same city, same hospital, same lab.  For progesterone for Pope Paul VI.  So why not get two?  One for hcg.  I decided that it would be okay because my expectations and mindset have changed.  Unless it goes down, there is no new information.  There is uncertainty on whether slowing this early is a bad thing.  (I know I read different, but whatever).  It just isnt' for sure.  I am not being optimistic.  I am just waiting.  So only going down gives me information.  And I decided I wanted that information.  I didn't NEED it, like in a desperate way.  Just wanted it. 

Basically I decided it will be nice to have prog results, hcg results, and u/s results.  Sometime in the next week or so, I will likely have an answer.  Not definitive of course, as many things can go wrong at any point, but once I get a healthy heartbeat, I do tend to be a more "glass half full" kind of gal.  Heck, I was being that already after the success with Charlie-I even filled out the hospital registration forms before I got the questionable hcg.  It's a wonder what a healthy pregnancy does for hope. Plus I always promise to not live a pregnancy in fear.  Every day is a gift and I don't want to "start enjoying it" when and if I get to some arbitrary point-like 20 weeks. 

So I got the hcg, because I am not feeling crazy psycho about it.  Fyi, I am not dragging out this post to put you in suspense at the number.  I don't know it.  I am writing it while waiting and now it has been long enough so I am going to call...Okay, good enough news anyway.  9492.  It actually sounds better than it is when you crunch the numbers but it went up 39% (from 6832). But given the last increase in the same time period was 30.2%, I am pleased.  Like I said, low expectations.  And don't let the number crunching fool you, it is just a byproduct of being married to an accountant.  I am not over analyzing.  I promise.  I will let you know how the u/s goes tomorrow.  Prayers please.

3.13.2010

Too much time alone tonight...

Sleep deprived and home alone, I made the mistake of diving into the internet to research hcg levels. The charts are worthless, incredibly broad. I wanted to know, specifically, at what point do the levels slow. I think my level is too early, but I am trying to be more hopeful here!


According to this article http://miscarriage.about.com/od/checkinghcglevels/f/hcgdoubling.htm
hcg is supposed to slow after 6 or 7 weeks from your last period.
For me, it slowed at 6 weeks to the day, but I peaked later than 14 days that cycle and the first hcg was low indicating a later implantation.

I guess 15% of slower than normal rising hcgs do go on to have a baby at the end of 9 months, but they are still associated with signs of complications, even in these case

I also found this article that didn’t have great news: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14664408?dopt=Abstract

And this fun fact…
"Slow-rising hCG. Unfortunately, even if your levels are rising, the failure to double every few days is not a good sign. This type of pregnancy can go on for several weeks, but will almost always end in miscarriage. A single set of tests that do not show a doubling can still be fine. Usually another set will be ordered if you are low or borderline."

Mainly what I had been going on previously is my own pregnancies. I had one pregnancy (Michael) healthy for the beginning and slowly go downhill; another baby (Gabby) that was unhealthy from the start (never doubled in the first draw even), and then Charlie. This baby seems to resemble Michael, which absolutely gave me the most heartache.

M: 514 (16dpo), 1544 (18dpo), 3438 (20dpo), 5271 (24dpo), 5184 (26dpo),
C: 546 (15dpo), 1201 (17dpo), 1838 (19dpo-lab change),, 3365 (21dpo), 12708 (26dpo)
A: 207 (17dpo), 599 (19dpo), 1634 (21dpo), 3219 (23 dpo), 5247 (26dpo)

I am thinking of getting another level. But I am struggling with when it will give me the most information. Would it be 3 ½ days between draws like my last one to see if it went up the same percent or more? I mean, I don’t expect it to double in 48 or 72 anymore. I thought I would find comfort in the Wed ultrasound, but now I don’t. I mean, I really need to see a sac, but that should be a given. But it is unlikely that I will see a heartbeat, so it would be the following ultrasound that will really give me peace. Until then I am left doing betas, I guess, if I want.
My IV was my lifeline before, but now I can’t help but glare at it and think “if you aren’t making my baby healthier, what good are you?” It’s like carrying around a purse 24/7. lol. At some point you want to take off your coat, put it down and stay awhile!

3.12.2010

100th post and please excuse the venting...

I started to write this post about how nuts the day was, and it just kept getting nuttier and interupting my post.  If you only have a moment to read, know the hcg levels are not doing what I think is a healthy path, and I can't help but think bad thoughts at this point. 


Today has been a dousy.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am already on the mend from the recent series of blows I am about to describe, but I just need to put it out there, get it off my chest so I can move on.  I am sure you all have been there.  (okay, this was written prior to getting the level-now I am no longer able to shrug off the funk)

Yesterday Charlie's junky cough continued to get worse.  He avoided milk all day and I made the mistake of giving him a yogurt at dinner.  He promptly threw it all up.  I put him to bed early (asleep by 7pm) only to have him wake at 7:30 and need a whole 30 min of rocking to go back down.  He was just swimming in fluid.  Again.

He woke again several times, sleeping very lightly, but he was able to go back to sleep.  I had the humidifier on high and he was elevated.  I turned the monitor on high so I could hear his breathing.  This was too similar to the rsv before.  Charlie woke at 11:30 and had to be soothed, but went down fairly well. 

I had trouble going to sleep myself and finally fell asleep at midnight-so unusual for me to be up that late.  I usually fall asleep the second I get into bed.  At 1:45am Charlie woke and had a huge barking cough.  He was extremely congested and had a fever.  I was concerned it was croupe and knew if it was we should take him out in the cold air.  However, I didn't want to do this if it wasn't.  I called our local askanur.se line to see what they thought and she had me follow all the croupe instructions-outside 10 min in cold air, inside in steam for 20 min, drink a honey/lemon mixture, and drink warm water.  It didn't seem to help.  I think he drank too much water too fast because he then threw it all back up.  I think my husband and I went back to sleep around 3:30 or 4.  Charlie woke again at 5:30 and I gave him more tylen.ol and then again for the day at 6:30am!

I called two docs when we woke up this morning-Charlie's to see if they thought we needed to be seen before the weekend and mine because ever since last Saturday my shoulder has been killing me and popping a ton, very painful.  Both docs thought we needed to be seen.  Since we already had the 10:30am appt with the ob (mind you all three are opposite directions, different cities even-we live in a large metropolitan area), I was fortunate they were able to work with me to do a 12:30pm for Charlie and a 2:30 for me.  Granted, Charlie's nap is from 12-2, but what could I do?  I planned on putting him down for two naps today, just before and after his typical nap (ha! rereading this he never went down for even one!).  I had to cancel my next door neighbor watching Charlie for the ob appt (so her son wouldn't get sick), and my dad instead was going to come watch Charlie.  My mom, unfortunately, was getting sick with the flu, my little sister (KT) has h1n1 (even though she was vaccinated and they thought she had it prior), and one of my older sisters (JB) had the flu and a child that was throwing up.  Gotta love this winter!

What I didn't count on in my packed day was mommy brain striking again and me leaving my keys in my car yesterday.  I got in all ready for my appt today, Charlie all packed up with me to hang in the car with my dad, praying to see a baby sac, when I found my car had died.  Nor did I could I have foreseen that even though my dad quickly was able to detour to jump my car, and I would have been 20 min late max, the doc's office told me not to bother coming in.  I was basically his last appt before my ob/gyn went in to surgery.  He was out for the entire next week on vacation.  So you can imagine when the receptionist basically said don't bother, let's reschedule for two weeks how I felt!  Add that to no sleep, and well, I just started bawling.  We ended up being able to schedule the ultrasound for next Wed (potentially a heartbeat, definitely a sac) which is in between the two we were going to do-one this Fri and one next.  The ultrasound is with a tech and then I will see a nurse afterwards.  I got an hcg to pacify myself, but it didn't happen until 5pm, and the results were...questionable at best.  Last time it almost doubled, but I got the level just shy of 48 hrs.  Then today, 3 1/2 days later, it didn't double at all.  I know it slows as numbers get bigger, and I was trying to be optimistic, but the bad feelings are sinking in. 
(recap 207, 599, 1634, and 3219-all 48 hr apart-and then today, 3 1/2 days later 5247=26 dpo).

On a postitive note, my dad was very sweet to come jump my car and he watched Charlie this afternoon so Charlie could nap while I am at my appt (he didn't!).  Charlie's appt went well, though they did confirm croupe and gave a script for a steroid since his throat could swell shut.  How scary is that!  At least his chest was clear and he seems in good spirts.  But the two nap idea is not working-Charlie is overtired and cries and gets so worked up he can't breathe and I have to go rescue him.  Not to mention his timing is impecable and he wanted to eat for basically the first time all day (I think that is innate-lol)

My shoulder appt was basically worthless, but that is okay.  I don't want x-rays or meds that are questionable, but I am glad someone looked at it wasn't concerned. 

I really really wish I had been able to make my appt today.  I wish the hcg level would have doubled.  I wish I wasn't in limbo until next Wed.... 

3.09.2010

Today I Hit the Motherload

It started with a phone call I received Friday night, about 7pm.  It was the pharmacist from Ci.gna Teld.rug (their mail order pharmacy, which I basically have to go through to get my injectables covered-since they are covered through medical and not pharmacy benefits).  The pharmacist on the phone was calling because my order from PPVI didn't make sense to him.  He said they ordered needles and not syringes.  He wanted to know if I needed syringes.  I said yes, thanks for asking.  Then I thought to mention how last time the needles were on the syringes, but they were the needles to inject.  So I had to remove the needle and put a bigger one on to draw up the meds and then change it back to the smaller one to inject.  He said he had thought of that and it was corrected.  Then he asked about my dose and the concentration.  (It would be nice to have my meds concentrated at 100mg/mL so I could take half the dose, but compounded meds aren't covered on my plan so I just stick with the 50mg/mL to save money).  He said that it was ordered with refills available, but the way it was written up I was only get a one week dose (sidenote-I blame PPVI for none of this; they have always been fantastic and even have a nurse that deals only with insurance!).  He said they shoot for a 90 day supply!  I explained that the dose was based on a blood draw done every two weeks, but if my last pregnancy was any indication, I was on it for 36 weeks at mostly the same dose.  He said given that information, that he felt it would be fine to send me out more meds.  He also asked when I needed it by.  He said it wasn't included and he would have to talk to the doctor to confirm what I told him, and he couldn't until Monday, and he wanted to make sure he wasn't leaving my high and dry.  All I could say is "is this the same Cig.na that gave me such a hard time about the novarel?!" (seriously, they are still trying to get me to pay for the first months' supply which was filed wrong by their employees under the wrong diagnosis code; when I refilled it, they had the right code and it was covered completely!)  The nice man said, "ma'am, sustaining a pregnancy is a whole different ball of wax than getting pregnant in terms of coverage."  I thought "you aren't kidding!"  So today, Tuesday, I receive a box with 10, yes 10, vials of progesterone and needles and alcohol pads (I love the those!) and a sharps box.  Now that is service!  I only wish this was the service we get prior to getting pregnant-wouldn't that make (IF) life just a little bit easier!

3.08.2010

Odds and Ends and Updates

It has been an incredible week, that is for sure!  And I am an organizational mess!  I am surrounded by post its, none of which have the info I am looking for!  For example, what my progesterone level was (high zone 3 but what was the #?!) or what my last hcg level was (1300 something, but what?!)  Pregnancy brain is kicking in, which is hard because I am horribly forgetful anyway!  Example-night before last I dh found a pork tenderloin I intended to defrost in the fridge...on the couch.  Of course!  Good thing the dog was out in the backyard!

We told our families and they were thrilled.  I forgot another rule-we told dh's mom and my mom they could tell other family members and friends with one caveat-if anything goes wrong they have go back and tell them the news so that we don't have a huge list of folks to tell!  We learned that from our first miscarriage, in the sense that we realized that by not letting dh's mom tell her friends' about the first grandchild on that side, we left her without emotional support when she was going through the mourning process.  Miscarriage definitely affects more than just the couple going through it.  Anyway, on to happier things...

I think I mentioned that I immediately figured out the due date based on conception and saw that it was Nov. 7th, Feast day for St. Anthony.  I looked up the meaning of Anthony's name and was pleased one of the meanings was "flourishing."  It means other things as well, but that would be on another elusive post it.  That was one of the "signs" I meant to mention in the last post.  Signs can be fickle-lol-I don't recommend it; I just couldn't help myself!

At least I can remember my schedule. Tomorrow I have my first doctor's appt.  I just see a nurse and get bloodwork done (blood typing, etc).  I also get what is likely to be my last hcg.  I am due for another prog shot too.  Then Fri I get another shot and have another doctor's appt.  This time I see the ob and they take a quick peak.  I am glad it will be too early to see the heartbeat so I won't worry if one isn't visible.  But we should be able to see a sac and confirm it isn't ectopic (I hope!).

I don't know if I any of you read back to my pregnancy with Charlie, but my sis JB was due one week to the day with her 3rd daughter while I was pregnant with Charlie. It was amazing to be pregnant together.  This time I have two dear friends due one week apart (pretty sure to the day again-both earlier than me).  One friend, IRL, had two miscarriages (one was a blighted ovum) before conceiving a son just about two months older than Charlie.  We love to get together with the boys and trade babysitting.  They recently started trying again and told us the day they found out that they were expecting.  Today they heard a healthy heartbeat and I am so happy for them.  My other friend is one I have never met in person, but am so incredibly fond of.  She and I met when I heard that other patients of Dr. Hilgers were seeing Dr. Toth.   I did a "shout out" for them on his discussion board and she emailed me privately.  She had never gotten pregnant in five years of ttc and was successful the first month of being given the green light by Dr. Toth!  She was pregnant when I emailed her and I became shortly after and she was a fantastic mentor for me through the pregnany and an amazing witness for the faith!  Please pray for their little ones!

The healing mass was amazing.  I wish dh could have gone, but he stayed home with Charlie (who has been a complete monkey in mass lately!)  I did see my husband's dad's 2nd cousin, whom despite the removed relationship, is very close to us and absolutely amazing.  She is undergoing treatment for Leukemia, it kills me to even mention it, and her whole family and first grandbaby were there to support her.  It was great to see them and helped me think about someone other than myself.  Please pray for healing for her.

Please also pray for some other friends of mine. One struggling with IF recently became pregnant and miscarried. One friend who started our sidewalk counseling ministry conceived a much desired honeymoon baby only to miscarry. And another friend considering the adoption of an older child had things fall through in the sense that the mother decide to contest the termination of rights and it is expected to drag out. Sad situations, all of them could use your prayers.

I have been in bliss lately-going to mass everyday since I found out, praying the rosary more than I have my entire life, saying my St. Raphael novena, etc.  Today I got to pray my rosary at the adoration chapel.  We are blessed to have one just down the street (one of the reasons we bought this house) and do not take advantage of it like we should!

Thanks, Kaitlin for reminding me that Rita is patron saint of lost causes like St. Jude.  After you said it, I recalled being told that long ago. 

3.05.2010

599-Long version :)

Wow, head is still spinning.  That last post was my first via text-hence the brevity. :)
Here is my usual long winded self version...

I was going to try and be there for the draw at 12, but I had a friend (Charlie's godmom) watching him since the draw was during nap time.  I decided to go over there early to visit, for Charlie to have some play time with her kids, and to put him down myself to make things easier.  So I started putting him down at 12, and it took a bit, and ended up also waiting awhile for the lab to call my name.  I left there at 1:10 since it would take about an hr and went to the bank, grabbed some lunch, and said a rosary (to be completely honest this is far from a regular occurence for me-so much so that I have to use my cheat sheet!). 

I couldn't help but look into things as "signs."  It is the most gorgeous day here-almost 60 degrees with bright sun shining so I thought that was good.  However, I thought Fri was luminous mysteries, and was bummed to see it was sorrowful (makes sense in hindsight since it is the day of Jesus' crucifixion).  But then Catholic talk radio was doing the most beautiful program on St. Rita, who happens to be a saint a church at the abortion mill had a special devotion to.  He prayed to her for us on a retreat and it turned out I was pregnant with Charlie at the time and didn't know it.  So I smiled at that "sign." (I had never really heard of Rita before or since).

I returned to the lab and the women was kind enough to say: "shall I say it or do you want me to print it out?"  I said, please print it out.  I always like tangible proof, and I was afraid I was going to lose it in the lab anyway, already taking deep breaths and rocking.  She handed it to me, I looked down, and didn't see the number right away.  I thought better and decided to walk out of the lab with the paper and look in the hallway.  I kept thinking-300 is bad, 400 is okay, 500 would be great.  I saw "599".  I looked again.  I ran back in the lab.  I asked the woman, am I looking at the right number-I just want to be positive!  She smiled and said yes, and I said "okay, then this is really good news!"  and left, no floated, to the door.

I got outside the hospital before I called dh and I barely got out "it tripled" before I completely lost it, sobbing on a bench I found.  It was just so much build up of anticipation, etc.  All day I had been replaying scenarios about if it was bad news, then if it was good.  He said he was just about to call me, figuring I had gotten bad news and was trying to get it together before I called.  Being a CPA he wanted the numbers again, told me it was 2.89% (haha, he had to figure the percent, so him!) and we went over the numbers of the other babies and felt reassured.

I made a few other calls-IV place, best friend, and emailed our priest.  Dr. Hilgers' office called in case I didn't know my hcg (they were faxed a copy) and then they told me prog from P +17 was high zone 3 and I can half my shot dose. 

I am now waiting for the IV place to call me back.  I am going to spend the rest of the day praising God!  We have officially passed another hurdle!  Thank you so much for all your prayers-you guys are amazing!  Please keep them up!
It freaking tripled!!!! 599!!!!!

3.04.2010

Floored (Pregnancy Mentioned)

Right now God is asking me to trust.  To trust and to let go.  Yesterday I got a BFP.  I am as shocked as you all probably are.  I know I said it was a bust cycle, likely.  I truly believed that.  I really struggled with yeast (still do) and stress.  And the same reasons that I didn't think I was pregnant, make me think it is likely not a healthy pregnancy.  Perhaps that is just more protecting myself, but I don't think so.  Each day I didn't get my cycle, I thought it was strange.  But then my post peak phase is not at all stable like it was before I had Charlie.  It is very erratic still.  (before, just getting to the test date was always a good sign).  I didn't really have symptoms (cramps that probably started too early in hindsight; tailbone pain one day that made me raise an eyebrow, but that is it). 

When I found out I was pregnant, I should have been joyful.  I do feel I am on the best possible protocol for success, and it worked with Charlie, so I don't think it is they typical fear that comes from having two miscarriages.  But, I am embarrassed to say it took me several hours to get to joy.  The reason is the yeast concerns.  Add to that hcg number was on the low side (lower than even my miscarriage that never doubled).  I had a post it with me going in for the draw.  The hcg numbers of all our babies on roughly the same day.  Michael (healthy to start until infection took over) and Charlie were over 500.  Gabby's hcg never doubled in the 48-72 hrs-and this baby's hcg is lower than hers (both in the 200s).  So when I saw that comparison, my heart sort of sank.  It wasn't supposed to be like that.  But I was scared.  Shaky.  I went in a haze from the lab to my ob/gyn's office on the 2nd floor (I called dh on the way and let him know).  They were so kind and let me talk to a nurse, rather than call, since I was already there.  She listened to my fears about the yeast and the number.  She gave me an open hcg req so I could go in as often as I wanted (every 48 hrs if desired) and let me choose when I wanted a sono (end of 6 weeks when we should have a heart beat).  Then they offered to do another quick peak for a sac on the 12th when I will see the doc anyway.  They clarified what their role v. Hilgers' would be.

I drove home and on the way called my priest, but he wasn't in.  I called Dr. Hilgers' office and left a message and called the IV company.  I emailed my friend who is also dealing with yeast and is very knowledgable.  I told my best friend.  I told another good friend who was very sneaky and had counted and realized I would be testing soon.  She had been praying for me all day-thank you, Jill!

I got home and heard from Dr. Hilgers' office, who wanted me to start progesterone that night.  Dh came home and gave me two 2cc shots (max dose since my prog is only 50mg/mL) and we said our novena to St. Raphael and prayed for trust to the Holy Spirit.  I felt better.  I started to smile.  I told dh he was "big poppa" since he called me his "big woman" for the entire last pregnancy.  I came the realization that, regardless of outcome, we were co-creators of a unique soul, and that in and of itself is just amazing.  Each day is a blessing we are still pregnant, so that is how we are going to move forward.  So here we are.  Asking, no begging, for your prayers.  Today I went to mass (updated-I forgot to mention at mass I literally parked next to a car whose license plate said "biaxin".  Seriously?!  That is the antibiotic that helped us conceive Charlie in a healthy environment, and hopefully this baby too.   I asked the women the origin and she said her husband is a drug rep-lol!  And...it turns out she had come to the wrong mass-her child was supposed to do petitions, but that is tomorrow; the mass today didn't include the school children.  Isn't that funny?!) and the priest did a beautiful blessing for us (part of ttc/BFP ritual).  We are truly doing everything physically and spiritually, and that is really all we can do!

Update-I just opened our diocesan newspaper and saw that there is the annual healing mass scheduled this Saturday.  This same mass, same place, was the one I attended when I was newly pregnant with Charlie.  We both received the sacrament, and I was given Lourdes water to drink.  I am so grateful I didn't miss it, and am so looking forward to doing this again!