8.30.2012

Irony of all Ironies and a Thank You

Today I left a message with PPVI re my D&C.  I was surprised to get a call so soon, just an hour or so later, but it became quickly clear they hadn't yet received my message.  The purpose of the call was to tell me my progesterone, which they had me draw early (last Fri as opposed to this Tues) was good.  15.3.  Actually it hadn't been that good all pregnancy except for my peak plus 7 draw, which was about the same.  Then it went to 12.1, I believe, and then 8 something.  The nurse was very kind, very apologetic, and added me to their prayer chain they all participate in there.  I don't fault them at all.  I am a little perplexed why the progesterone was so good.  Normally, no matter what we do, if there is a loss, the progesterone predicts it. At least that is how I recall it.  I was annoyed at my local ob/gyn doc, whom after we had the lowered heartbeat, sent me a bill for the entire pregnancy and delivery broken up over the next four months.  The letter stated they had tried to reach me when I was there (total BS, you know how often I was there, sitting, waiting in rooms over the last month?)  so I just nicely asked the doctor if they could communicate better under these types of circumstances so as not to pour salt in the wound.  Of course, he was wonderful and I actually do love the entire office, just felt the need to give feedback for the next girl.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the prayers and comments you all have left on my blog.  I was brought to tears reading several bloggers' posts today that referenced what M and I are going through.  Thank you for taking the time to write these, thank you for your prayers, thank you for your friendship.  Words are not enough, but I know you and my sweet husband (who greeted me with a dozen roses on Monday) are all the reason that I can put one foot in front of the other. I will always be indebted to this community for all you have done for me!  The focus of most of the posts was about being grateful, and that message has definitely not been lost on me as well.  I look at my boys and I see them truly for the miracle they are.  I even caught myself saying Monday prior to my ultrasound, as I pushed my sweet boys around Tar.get, I am the luckiest mom ever.  I caught myself, remembered the situation we were in, and made it a point to finish my sentence.  Because it is absolutely true. And as I experience the minor discomfort following the D&C and the major mental discomfort, I continue to offer up these suffering for those that have experienced loss and those that desire a(nother) child and are having difficulty. 

8.27.2012

Gianna is in heaven-surgery TOMORROW! *update on surgery & ? on chromosomal testing ?

I decided to wait until today for my ultrasound.  I wanted a picture, but I wasn't desperate for one.  Does that make sense?  It wasn't haunting me or anything.  It just would have been nice.  Not to the point that I wanted to ask to come in again.  I was just so appreciative she was doing it at all, scanning me for free (she doesn't take my insurance).  So I waited.

Dh asked if I wanted him to come, but I said no.  I knew the news wasn't good.  I didn't schedule it with his schedule in mind at all, and I didn't want him to bend over backwards to make it work.  I am glad he asked though. 

I went in and was scanned immediately.  I didn't see a heartbeat and she confirmed it.  I wasn't sad in that room.  I was a little relieved, in some sense, that the drug out process was complete.  It knew she was in heaven.  No more waiting, wondering when the time would be.  She was there.  She is now content and peaceful, I don't doubt that. And she is in good company.

I mentioned I would like pictures if possible.  She coudln't get the ones from last time, so she asked if I would feel okay if she took some now.  I was fine with that and so I left with some.  A nurse came in, my favorite, and hugged me and told me she was in heaven, and I was grateful for such an amazing office.

It didn't occur to me before my appt today, but given the circumstances we have opted to do a D&C so that we can control when and where for the miscarriage since this time I have my two boys to think about. The surgery will be tomorrow, so the rest of today has been a whirlwind of notifying my professor, my work, cancelling appts, notifying the sitters, arranging my mom, dh getting off work, writing up instructions for my mom (who will take Charlie to school and watch AJ until we return, I had to register with the hospital...so much to be done!)  I will be in surgery for only a half an hour, but they want me to take the day off. Craig was able to take off last minute as well, thankfully. I am grateful we are doing this quickly so we can start the healing process in every sense of the word. I appreciate all the support and prayers.

*Update The surgery went well. I was home by 10am, a little nauseated despite all their efforts, but I was able to sleep through it and the discomfort is easily managed by pain meds. It was a bit emotional and I did cry going back and when I came to.  I am alright, despite that, I guess I just needed a release.  My husband was so sweet to come home with a dozen roses last night and he is taking good care of me.  I hope I won't regret this, but we decided to do chromosomal testing on the baby since we were already in a controlled environment.  There is a good chance we will learn the gender from this.  Also, we will learn if the cause of death was chromosonal.  We have already met our out of pocket maximum, so I am hopeful there is no charge for this.  My anxiety comes from the chance this may not be covered by insurance.  What is your all's experience with this?  It won't likely affect anything we do in the future, just wanted it for peace of mind, but not with a $1500 price tag or something like that.  I am hoping it would be covered with 3 miscarriages now, but the chance it won't is nagging at me.  I only knew to ask for it because of the women on the blogs, so I appreciate any info you have.

8.21.2012

Serenity

Thanks for waiting patiently while I got to a computer to record the events of Monday.  It was a long wait, even from Thursday to Monday (since I moved up the last ultrasound), but thankfully dh was off Fri and Monday and he was a good distraction.  The weather cooled off here and we were able to take the kids to the zoo Fri.  Saturday we took a 24 hr local mini vacation and my mom watched the kids so we could celebrate our 6 year anniversary.  We enjoyed the time away.  Come Monday I was feeling good and think I overestimated my strength!  I went to the appointment alone so dh could stay with the kids and then headed straight from there to work (I occasionally work Monday evenings). 

At the appointment, the nervousness set in. The nurse was so nice to me and even popped back in and asked if I was okay, saying I looked worried.  I was :(  I couldn't help it, I told her everything about Dr. Toth and she was very supportive and sympathetic.  Another nice thing was that my local ob/gyn knew that if he scanned me, he wouldn't be able to answer any specific questions (heartrate, etc) so he asked the ultrasound tech to scan me with her higher level equipment and expertise.  She doesn't normally scan me (they send me out) because she doesn't take my insurance (odd, the doc does and it is very common insurance) but she did it today as a favor (again-she did it the first time-then Thursday I went to the other place they refer to). 

Basically the heartbeat was obviously weaker just from a visual.  It was like, beat. Pause. Beat.  So sad!  It took her awhile to get a read and it was 69.  She didn't record the size of the baby.  Again, no printed pictures of my sweet one.  It is just so different when they know you are losing it.  I never remember to ask for a pic either :(

They gave their apologies and did everything they could.  My doc said to come back next Monday, but to come in sooner at all if I was anxious and just wanted to know.  The ultrasound tech said she would scan me again whenever, free of charge.  It is so nice to be scanned there where they know what is up, rather than to go out and retell the story to another stranger.  It's the little things.

So that is that.  I called Dr. Hilger's office and let them know.  My progesterone from last Tuesday came back an 8, reminding me that sometimes prog is merely a symptom and not a cause.  We could throw all the prog in the world at this baby and we couldn't save it. :(  They said I could get another level sooner if I wanted, and we are repeating the CRP level.

Dh and I named our baby last night.  Little Gianna.  We always felt it was a girl, and it feels good to give her such a beautiful and meaningful name. 

I think we've accepted the loss will occur, though we know that God can and does perform miracles.  We know if this baby turned around it would be just that-a miracle.  The unsettling now comes from the when and the where.  It is different this time, dealing with a loss while caring for two children...a new experience for me.  But work and school and life go on.  And so this is a new form of suffering I wasn't counting on to offer up for those still waiting.

I will leave you with the serenity prayer.  A dear friend who knows all too well about having to let go of what we can not control sent me a beautiful card with the full version.  Cards like this are treasures to me, as I have very little to remember this baby by and this will go into a box of her things.  I am so blessed for friends like you all, truly.  The prayers and kind words get me through.  Thank you all so much!

The original, attributed to Niebuhr, is:
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

8.16.2012

A Whirlwind of Emotions-Recapping My Day *Updated

Nothing like a slow growing pregnancy to tell you who the pro life doctors are, that is for sure.  I learned that back in 2007,  and I received a refresher course this morning.  I believe it was Ann of Building a Nest that reminded me that dealing with non pro life doctors was sometimes a necessary evil.  That is the case here, and even though I knew Dr. Toth wasn't pro life, the degree to which was shocking to my sheltered self.  Thanks to a beautiful friend I know through the online forums, I was informed of two possible interventions we could take to save our baby.  The first is hcg shots, something to discuss with Dr. Hilgers.  The second was oral antibiotics to discuss with Dr. Toth or Hilgers.  (She was on orals almost immediately after her IV because she was not on antibiotics pre conception; since it is safe to assume that the lack of pre conception abx is the cause of the delay in growth for this baby, this might be a possibility for me).  So this morning I started with my call to Dr. Toth in New York.  I explained my situation to the receptionist, knowing Dr. Toth may be out of town, and was surprised to be immediately put in direct touch with Dr. Toth.  However it was nothing like the shock that was to come.  He started with how he got my email about the low heartrate.  (He had not responded, unusual for him).  He went on to say "this is a sick baby, Jamie.  A very sick baby.  Do not try to save this unhealthy baby.  Do not.  Promise me.  You wait it out.  You move on.  Don't give it another thought. You follow your protocol next time.  Promise me you will do nothing.  Leave it alone.  Move on."  He said this firmly and with little emotion.  My stomach dropped and I was in shock.  I can't explain how I felt, except that when I emailed my friend I told her I felt like I was going to throw up.  My emotions evolved into rage.  And then I became defensive.  This baby is alive.  My baby is alive.  What mother doesn't do anything to save her child?  This child, sick or not, is mine.  Does a sick child not have value?  I don't believe that for one second.  My nieces have Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, another has Celiac's.  Is that not just a small piece of who they are?  I had an image of the children in other countries with disabilities, viewed as not having value and so they are starved, beaten, or simply left to stare at the wall or static on tv.  My PhD is in special education.  I am Catholic.  I believe to my core about the dignity and value of every human life.  I was disgusted, and in my disgusted and enraged state I called Dr. Hilgers. 

I was able to talk to a nurse right away, given the situation (I was looking for life saving treatments I could do immediately to save my unborn child).  I told her about me anticipating the progesterone would drop further when they receive it on Friday and asked if there was harm to supplementing.  I told her about my conversation with Dr. Toth, in tears, and she assured me they value every life.  She said that they were more likely to put in another ten day IV, rather than do orals, due to the IV being the "gold standard."  I will be honest with you, I almost threw up again right there.  I am a weak person, and I struggled in that moment with that idea.  Another ten days.  Was I playing God?  Images passed through my mind of a baby much more disabled than anything I had encountered in my career.  Dr. Toth's words echoed in my head.  I wondered if I was playing with fire, in a sense.  I felt weak.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.  It was sort of a "get behind me, Satan!" moment, and I tried to soldier on-in true "fake it until you make it" fashion. I want you to know, I did do some quantifying.  I was worried calling her straight from the Toth call, complete with tears and rage at his words gave her the "do everything" impression.  That sort of desperate and at all costs was not exactly how I felt.  I told the nurse, I am not saying do every intervention at all cost.  I know our faith doesn't require that.  I am saying, that I want and trust Dr. Hilgers opinion.  I know he will weigh risk and benefit and make recommendations.  I will do whatever he thinks is appropriate.  I trust his skills and his moral compass.  And so I wait to hear back.  Then I started to wonder if what I had done was the right thing.  I began to question all of it, from the call to Dr. Toth, to the call to Dr. Hilgers....

It was words from all of you that I found so comforting this morning as I had to go to a work meeting immediately after.  This is not about me and the decisions I make. The baby's life doesn't hang in my hands.  I couldn't handle it if it did.  It is God's hands that it is in.  So I gave it to Him.  I told Him I didn't want that decision, I only desired what He desired and that was good enough.  Whether it caused me pain and heartache in the immediate or not, I know He has the big picture and only desires long term good for me and my child.  And so I let it go.  And that is the only reason I am still standing.  So thank you for that reminder, as I started to go down that road of what I could have done differently.

In my waiting, I realized that if the baby had no heartbeat all of this next step of intervention was moot.  I didn't know if Dr. Hilger's would want a more recent sono prior to placing an IV or not, but I know that for sure I would want that info and I wanted no further delays.  Since I had an appt for Monday and since I had childcare today, but not Friday, I called and moved my songram up. It was with an independent office and they didn't mind.  I let my ob/gyn know what I did and why after the fact (is that  teenage trait-don't ask if you don't want to know the answer?  oh well...it was self preservation). 

So, at 2pm today, I received another ultrasound (managed to get a rosary in on the drive over!).  It provided very little clarity or comfort, but it did give us information that is more up to date.  The baby's heartbeat improved to an 83, which is of zero comfort because 90 was supposedly the minimum (my data driven mind wondered if this difference was statistically significant...).  Additionally, the baby did grow appropriately since my Monday scan and continues to measure exactly 1 week behind.  I relayed this information to both Dr. Hilger's nurse's vm, and my local ob/gyn.  I have yet to hear back from Dr. Hilger's, despite the nurse saying he was with a patient and she would catch him between appointments (that was at 9am).  My local ob/gyn said to keep my Monday appt with him, and he will scan me then. I have guilt that I am not rejoicing over a beating heart, but maybe with time and effort and prayer I can get there.  Every life deserves to be celebrated.  Thank you for supporting me through this painful journey!

*I heard back from Stephanie at Dr. Hilger's office.  He thought my prog level of 12 was a good sign, as was the CRP number (1.2) which he considered an indicator of infection/inflammation, which was in the normal range (which is 0-2.5).  Not to be a pessimistic or act like I know better than doc, but the CRP number for me has always been in the normal range, despite miscarriage (and including miscarriage from infection).  In fact, with Gabby, my fastest miscarriage where I never had one ultrasound because the hcg never doubled, my CRP was the lowest, .2.  Not to mention we know I was covered in inflammation two weeks prior to conception because he saw it with his own eyes during my lap.  So I am skeptical.  However, he offered progesterone vaginal supplements, which I have never been on before but will gladly take.  And he said that IV antibiotics wouldn't be necessary until I had pre term labor symptoms like contractions, bleeding, cramping, pressure and backache, etc.  If those happen, I should notify him immediately.  I don't know how I feel about that, seems less proactive, but I certainly do trust his judement, so I am fine.  I will have another scan Monday and they can reevaluate at that time.  In the meantime, my dear husband and I will be taking 24 hrs to celebrate our 6th anniversary and try to distract ourselves this weekend!

Ultrasound Moved Up-Please pray!

Much more to share, but only have time for a brief update.  My ultrasound has been moved to 2pm (CST)-so 20 minutes from now. It was moved up at my request because we are considering additional interventions and I want to ensure we have a baby with heartbeat prior to do something as invasive as starting another IV of antibiotics.  More info to come, but for now, prayers for a healthy baby.  At a minimum, no more ambiguity, if I can say that selfishly.

8.13.2012

Not Good News Re Heartbeat *updated

Today we had our ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days.  It wasn't good.  We expected a heartbeat.  At first, the doctor couldn't find one after awhile of trying.  It was painful.  He did see a yolk sac inside the sac. Eventually they set us up with the ultrasound tech and a higher level machine.  She measured the baby one week behind and, after a time, was able to find a heartbeat, but it was only 75.  She said, no matter what they date, she never likes to see it less than 90.  She said there was one baby that had a heartbeat of 80 and still made it.  She said she isn't saying it will for sure not work out.  We don't know.  We go back in a week.  We are being realistic because its how we cope. This isn't good news.  We know that.  While we know there isn't 100% certainty of a miscarriage, the odds of a healthy baby are not good.  And so we wait.  It's going to be a long week.  I am in awe that she thinks we saw the heartbeat on the first day it started beating. Life is an amazing thing not to be taken for granted.  That is for sure.  And while we still should celebrate the living baby growing inside me, I won't lie. It difficult to be joyful. If we lose this baby, it won't be because the treatment failed. Its because I failed.  I failed to chart well so we failed to avoid when my body was healing.  I failed to have us take the antibiotics on CD 1-10 because we weren't supposed to be actively achieving.  Anytime I take Clomid in the future, I will take antibiotics due to the possibility.  And I failed to take baby aspirin for at least a week.  So there you go.  The system didn't fail.  I did. 
*I realize this sounds a little dramatic and I don't mean for it to.  I appreciate all the support and kind words.  What I was stating was meant to be a) support for NFP and the treatment I have received for IF through Napro and b) a statement of fact regarding things I could have done differently.  I am not trying to live in the past or beat myself up.  Its just an honest reflection on what I could have done differently.  There are definitely things beyond this that are out of my control, no question about that.  And I know there is God, even in this kind of tragedy, and His plan above all else.  I do, however, appreciate all of your kind words of support, and especially your prayers.

8.10.2012

Offering it Up and Trust *updated

Its been an exhausting last seven days, both mentally and physically.  I have had plenty to offer up for those still waiting. 
  • 3 hcg draws, one of these included the prog draw-yes, I stuck with my plan and let go after this despite having access to more.  I almost caved once, but I stayed strong.  I don't need the drama.  My baby is in God's hands and no amount of information is going to change the outcome.  It just gives me the illusion of control and I don't need it.  Freedom!
  • 8 2 cc progesterone in oil shots (mine is free through insurance but less strong so I have to get 4 cc's each time, so two in each hip)-1 of those shots was the most painful thing in my life as dh was taking awhile to psych himself up and the anticipation was killing me.  I moved, literally I could not control it, and he hit a nerve when he went in.  At least that is what the nurse thinks happened based on what followed: it felt like he hit a bone and the pain shot down from hip to ankle.  Insert uncontrollable sobs and dh and I are both traumatized for life! 
  • 3 peripherial IVs (just the regular kind).  Yes, three.  I got one in on Friday because Dr. Hilger's nurse didn't specify a mid line so they weren't set up to do it. I guess my home health agency contracts out and they no longer had a provider so they needed a local doc to rewrite the script so a hospital would take it.  My local ob/gyn would be willing, but was out of town until Monday and then in surgery until Monday afternoon.  At that time he called in a mid line and the only time they would do it was Wednesday morning, which of course was when the funeral was.  Since I get it out next Monday, I said to forget it after I was told the regular IV could last that long and they were allowed as the standards of care have changed. That was before it got puffy and bled and had to be changed.  And then a few days later (Thursday morning), I ripped it out on accident by catching my tubing on the drawer handle.  Not good.  It's a miracle it lasted that long with boys and it being so low on my wrist, but of course we wanted to avoid the elbow.  Each time they replaced it higher and I was worried I was running out of arm space since they can't go above the elbow (veins too deep), so yesterday I called and said I would do a midline if they could get me in yesterday afternoon (Thursday) or Friday morning. Any later and it wouldn't be worth it-it comes out Monday
  • 3 shots of lidocaine, a mid line, and stitches.  So they put the midline in this morning.  At the hospital.  First time I had it done this way and the experience was not a good one.  I am not kidding you, probably third worst pain of my life behind childbirth on pitocin pre epidural and dh hitting the nerve during the poi shot.  I went in thinking it would be quick and easy so I went alone.  It was definitely "a procedure" like they kept referring to it.  The hospital had more regulations than home health had to follow.  For example, they didn't use an xray to place (like with a PICC line), but the doc took several xrays during to check the placement.  I was not confident he knew what he was doing.  It was clear home health could do them blindfolded.  I was not a fan of having an xray pregnant and definitely not multiple ones.  The baby was shielded but still.  Why did these folks have shields on their throat and yet I had nothing but the shield on the baby?  I was not liking that fact one bit.  Or the five people required for the procedure-nurses, ultrasound tech, the doc, someone monitoring my stats in a room I could see through a window.  It was kind of freaky.  I was grateful my bloodpressure never really seemed affected so I was definitely dwelling in the peace bubble. The lidocaine was not taking affect in the right spots and it was killing me.  I kept telling them and they kept giving more.  I swear he was just digging around in there forever. And in the end they sutured some covering on top it that was new to me. When they discharged me they told me I can't lift my kids, which was frustrating. I still can't lift my arm very high.  Not the experience I was expecting.  Still totally worth it. 
  • *I knew I forgot something! One blood draw for multiple tests through my ob/gyn office, typical of a new pregnancy appt
So there you have it.  Twenty pokes of various degrees, all for my lovely lady friends still waiting.  That better be good for something!  Add to this the inability to go back to sleep once my kids wake me and the other ups and downs in my life and its been a little chaotic here.

Speaking of those ups and downs, I decided to go back to school to take a few classes and earn a certification.  I am doing it just a class a semester and my work pays for it as long as I am employed there.  I had to fill out crazy amounts of paperwork that continued after we learned of Tom's death.  I had to gather recommendation letters, apply as a non-degree seeking student to grad school all over again, and even submit a transcript b/c evidently my school doesn't talk to my own school.  I also filled out paperwork to get my fees waived and paperwork to get the class covered.  Classes paid for isn't a given, so I was grateful it was approved this week even though I was past the deadline (I didn't miss the deadline out of error, I simply didn't decide to go back until 2 weeks ago and turned out the deadline was three weeks passed). I also met my mentor at the University that is coming from another college.  I prayed she would be picked as the new candidate and choose to accept and was so pleased it all worked out that way.  Since I have three degrees from the same university I work for, I need new experiences without changing schools.  She is a dream come true for me, and we met and hit it off.  I knew it was a good match before, but she was speaking to a large group back then and so she had to come to the same conclusion I did.  I was worried because I was rolling in pregnant, with an IV, and dealing with Tom's death, but it all turned out okay.  I wasn't too crazy, she was sympathetic, and she even told me she had IF and wish they could've had more kids than just the two.  She said it was the best time of her life and her son's name is Nathan, which means God has Given.  I was able to share the meaning behind my kid's names as well.  So all that is good news.  The bad news is taking a class depends on working at the university, and I found out yesterday that the grant I work on wasn't refunded.  I work on soft money and I have no idea what the plan is after September.  We are working on it.  There is a grant out that we would find out Sept. 29 and begins on Oct 1, but I need some contingency plan!  If I start a class and get let go or less than half time, I have to pay it back.  I am not interested in paying another $1k toward school.  We don't have it, and the appeal to it all is that it is free.  That is the only time this week I temporarily left my peace bubble. Possibly not having a job FREAKS ME OUT!  But as I write this, I am not anxious and I do honestly feel it will all work out so hopefully the freak out was just my initial reaction.  It will work out.  It always does.  God brought me to this, I know it, and so He will get me through it, as they say.  So back to trusting in the wheelbarrow and letting God drive.   So many opportunities to trust.  I continue my St. Raphael novena for healing, and I just realized I need to go back to saying my favorite Holy Spirit prayer on my main page.  Check it out if you haven't already.  It will change your life to say it and mean it.  Love to you all!  Please continue prayers for my sister.  Also, Monday is the ultrasound to check for a heartbeat at 6weeks 5 days.  Hoping and praying we hear that sweet sound!

8.06.2012

Update on Baby and Sister

Prayers are definitely working as there is no other explanation for the peace I have right now.  The Saturday hcg was 2209, up from 1300 something, less than 48 hrs later.  The IV was placed Friday, it was a regular IV this time because there was no one to do a midline yet.  It is working fine, and I wouldn't have even wanted a midline except it is up out of the way from the kids.  The kids are doing fine with it though (def less discrete than a midline!) and I will stick with this b/c the only time they could put a midline in was Wednesday morning (day of the funeral).  So I am told this IV will likely last the entire ten days, but they can always put in a new one if needed.  That is good-doing it this way is new to me.  I have blood work from the ob/gyn tomorrow.  Nothing more until my ultrasound next Monday.

What a week.  It just keeps getting worse, all the things I am juggling and my little sister getting hit with more and more.  Sunday at a candlelight vigil the sister came up and told her she was responsible for his death and more.  She can't take much more of this. Today she was told she wouldn't be able to view the body with his family (they don't like her) or at all privately.  Not only that, but she would need to keep it together or leave because the mom couldn't handle this and the grandmother's health is frail.  How does someone do this?  They have said so many unkind things.  I know they are grieving, but I don't want to lose my sister over their comments and that is a distinct possiblity.  Please continue to surround her in prayers.

8.04.2012

The Worst Kind of Tragedy

The baby is fine as far as we know. IV is in and we are doing everything we can. But our family was struck by another kind of tragedy.  A life ended too young.  My little sister Katie, who is 25, received the best news of her life day before yesterday.  She passed her boards for sign language interpreting.  This is huge.  My sister has anxiety and depression, also adhd.  Everything is ten times harder for her.  And it was during one of the hardest times of her life.  But she perservered and now it paid off.  She was the happiest I have ever seen her. 

She has said before she can't ever be happy.  She might be right.  The happiest day of her life turned out to be the worst day of her life. Her fiancee passed away.  They were together ten years, since they were 15. He is all she ever knew.  He was a part of our family and fit right in rolling with the crazy punches.  We loved Tom so much and Tom loved us!  Katie and Tom were broken up.  He made some unhealthy choices that scared her.  She wanted him to know it wasn't okay.   She was proving a point, trying to require change. She did it out of love. 

She told me last week, she hoped he could pull it together.  That she still saw them marrying, he just needed to take care of some things.  She told me how much she loved him and has just told him how she knew he would fix these things and they would still get married.  They still talked.  They even saw each other.  He was there cheering her on at graduation, sitting with our family.  He was supposed to come over night before last to celebrate her passing the boards.  He had some work to finish up and then he would be over.  But he never came.  Katie thought he fell asleep.  He was pushing himself at work, wildly successful in every earthly sense for a 25 year old (he was so responsible and good for Katie) and Katie knew he had gone in very early that day.  She text him a few times, but didn't want to disturb him. 

He lived with his mother.  He wanted to buy a house, but not without Katie, and he knew Katie needed to keep living with my parents to get through school and boards. He wouldn't move without her.  He loved her and wanted what was best.  He had a strained relationship with his mom.  He didn't tell her much.  She found out the engagement was off from someone else, her other daughter.  She didn't know they still saw each other, still loved each other.  She has never liked Katie, which makes all of this harder.  Tom had her ring.  She made him take it because he didn't believe he was serious.  Katie may never see that ring again, something he bought to show her he wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.  They created it together over months.  His mom didn't even call to let her know she had found Tom late morning yesterday.  She blames Katie for what may be an overdose, may be an aneurism.  He was on some meds.  He was taking things he should be on top of it.   Add beer.  It had happened before.  Katie never told her he had a problem.  It was what he was working on, why they were apart. But he also had headaches he never told his mom about even though she was a nurse. He was taking pain killers. They will know more when the reports come back.  But as far as his mom sees it, Katie was out of his life because Tom never told her anything.

I pray that time heals.  Katie is a mess.  She has so many issues outside of this, she doesn't have much in reserves.  She has regrets they weren't together.  She has other regrets.  Yesterday as we gathered around her, she was a puddle of a person, melted, sobbing about the wedding they never had, house they hadn't bought, babies they never had. Our heart aches for her and for a life not lived fully. 

And a friend lost.  Tom had many friends.  His close knit group of friends lost one of their own to suicide in high school.  They have not recovered.  Especially, M, who lost his dad to brain cancer around that time.  Katie and M are going to need all the prayers you can give, along with Tom and his family.  My heart is breaking for them and all they have been through in their short lives. They don't have faith, or in some cases not strong faith, and they need prayers.

We will always remember Tom so fondly.  He was a brother to dh and I, an uncle to the kids. He was there after all the grandkids were born, and in the waiting room during AJ.  He cried tears of joy, he was so happy to be part of it. He was always there with a smile and a helping hand.  We admired his character and amazing work ethic.  The world will not be the same without him.
 They were together forever, so we have pictures going back so far of them...
 Our family is a crazy, loud, big, bunch. Tom wasn't that way, but he loved it and jumped right in.  He especially loved the kids
 and Katie. Wow did he love Katie.  And he wasn't afraid to tell her so. Often.
Wicked in Chicago. They had no money and one ticket. He begged her to go in alone while he waited. He was that kind of guy.

 So young. So much stuff left undone.  And yet he lived life to the fullest, even skydiving was his thing!
 The nieces flocked to him.
 He is holding AJ here at my graduation.  He was always pitching in and super respectful.
This is Katie and Tom holding AJ.  He cried tears of joy at his birth.  He was a real man.
Here he is a year ago at my graduation. He was there for every family event, always supporting us.

This is typical, jumping right in to help.
 My older sister, JB, took these in 2007.  These are the two dogs they owned together.




 Tom, we love you so much! 
We will miss you more than you know. 
We are better off for having known you!

8.01.2012

Head Spinning Over My Surprise BFP

How's that for a warning in the title for anyone not feeling up to reading?  Of course we all know there are no real surprises with Napro.  Only idiots that don't use the system properly like myself, lol. This cycle I was a lazy charter.  I have been for since I got my cycles back, I admit it.  I just haven't disciplined myself to get back in the habit 100%. Therefore I was mostly missing the prior to urination observation.
This cycle was odd.  I had surgery on CD 4 and we were supposed to avoid this cycle and ttc next. We bd for the first time post surgery on 7.10.12, cycle day 17.  I think was trying to get it in before we had to avoid during peak type mucus.  I have to laugh at that now.  I had peak type mucus on CD 18, but I didn't believe it due to my lazy charting.  Since we had BD the night before, I simply thought I didn't do the seminal instructions well.  Because of this I then didn't start my hcg shots until peak plus 4.  I did 4, 6, and then did the blood draw on 8dpo and THEN FORGOT the shot.  So then I did 9 and 11.  Lazy lazy lazy. 
I even got lazy with my meds.  I take baby asprin, B6, fiber, and prenatal every morning and then thyroid at 10am and 10pm.  I stayed on  my thyroid pretty well, but then about died going off my fiber (during which time I took an anticramping med-ack!  No idea how healthy that was in hindsight) so I started the fiber back up.  So for about a week I was off my meds (prenatal, aspirin, B6, and fiber-the ones I take first thing).  You know what else?  I didn't take my antibiotics.  Since we weren't ttc, I thought I was smart to wait to take the cyclical abx.  They are $30, but it was more about not taking more than necessary (I have not had TEBB). I had a half of beer one day.  I had a wine the day before I found out.  Add to this some emotional stuff I have had going on the last few weeks (including some facebook drama over chic fil A and same sex marriage that had my blood pressure up for 24 hrs.  I have eaten like crap.  I haven't been super hungry.  Too much sugar.  That is typical for me. The list goes on.  Not exactly how I would have wanted to do it had I known.
Yesterday was a work from home day.  I told dh my episode of crazy last weekend was likely due to my going to start my period anytime.  I was surprised it wasn't here yet, so I got on my computer to update my charting file.  Boy did I get a surprise.  Twenty dpo.  Yes, I know I am an idiot.  I had on hpt in my cabinet (do I mention I never do those-I did them randomly during breastfeeding when I felt like it, but I don't use that form to test on hcg-If I make it to the date, its always been positive).  So I poas.  So inexperienced am I that I read the stick wrong initially thinking it was the test strip that popped up immediately. Not so. I stared.  I shook.  I looked again.  I realize now how people misread the obvious.  Its the emotional state they are in when they take them! I got a fb message from Leila.  Not having told my husband yet, in my shock I tell her and ask for prayers. I drug out the requisition for hcg quant.  I left a voicemail with Dr. Hilgers. I looked up the due date (April 3rd, 2012) and drove to the lab. I called dh and got vm.  I was stunned.  I thought of all I did and didn't do to make everything safe for this baby.  I gave it over to God.  This was clearly His plan.
I went to the lab.  The wait was FOREVER. I said a rosary.  My husband called me back.  He was in shock too.  I know b/c he asked how did this happen a few times.  Lol.  Can you tell we aren't used to surprises (he is happy, just surprised). I got my lab drawn.  They do it stat while I wait.  I didn't wait.  I couldn't sit around.  I knew it was positive and there was stuff to coordinate! I went upstairs instead to my ob.  I wanted to tell them what was going on and ask for two more requisitions for quant hcg stat please, so we could tell when we had the okay to do the IV.  I also wanted to set up my ultrasound for 6 1/2 weeks (8/13/12).  Another lady came in the waiting room.  I was surprised to see her b/c she was older (48) and said she was just in 3 weeks ago (I overheard)-didn't seem typical.  I saw her Project Gabriel bag.  Since we are seeing a Catholic Napro ob/gyn, I asked her if that was the ProLife Ministry assosciated with the Catholic church and I got that and so much more.  She has her own Napro story, a patient of Dr. Dixon's.  She was amazing.  We loved swapping stories and the nurse came to get both of us way too soon.  She pulls a ziploc bag out of her bag and tells me to touch.  It is a relic, long story, of Mother Theresa.  Or St. Therese.  So mad I don't remember, but it all happened so fast.  But I have her name, Hilary, and I will be able to track her down through mutual friends.  I want to talk more with her, maybe go to lunch!  Touching that relic-that can do more than erase all the meds I didn't take or all the things I did.  It can erase the effects of my uterine septum (at surgery I learned I have it and that it causes late miscarriages; somehow though, I have my boys here).  So, I am resting in that knowledge and peace.  I hope it lasts, but I know that is mostly up to me.  While I was in Dr. Snider's office, my favorite lab lady Betty called.  She asked if I was sitting down so I knew it was a good number.  899 people!   Unheard of!  I never tested so late, but still.  899!

So what is ahead?  Last night I got a progesterone shot in each hip since I have the non compounded form-ouch! I have an hcg draw Thursday morning, first thing.  I will probably get my IV that afternoon if all looks good.  I have another hcg Saturday.  After that I will try to leave behind the hcg insanity. That Monday my local ob wants labs they do for each pregnancy (urine, blood typing, etc).  The following Monday, Aug. 13th, I get the IV out and will be just over 6 1/2 weeks. I will get an ultrasound that day to look for a heartbeat.  Praying we will hear one and won't have to reschedule to try again.  So that is the plan for now.  Lot of ultrasounds and followup.  Antibiotics every 8 weeks and one at delivery, God willing.  Charlie and Anthony are 25 months apart.  Anthony and sweet baby will be 30 months.  So grateful. 

Also grateful for any prayers you can offer for a healthy pregnancy!  And I will offer every progesterone shot and discomfort of this pregnancy, even labor (God willing!) for everyone still waiting!  I hope this post isn't a slap in the face to anyone who is currently ttc.  It simply our story, with all its weird twists and turns.  I do not know why we have been so fortunate in this area.  Honestly, in the beginning (way before I met all of you) I admit, I thought it was reward for throwing away our pills and trusting God.  I patted myself on the back.  I started this blog for others that were ttc using ART or tempted to.  But I met all of you.  I got to know you.  Now I know that couldn't be further from the truth.  God did write our amazing story.  We don't know why.  It isn't anything we did.  But we will shout if from the rooftops to glorify his name and hopefully people will listen and leave ART and birth control behind.  But we know now the truth.  We don't deserve this.  We didn't earn it.  Many many people would have been blessed with a child by now if that was how it worked.  Blogging has brought me in touch so many more faithful and knowledgable than I am. And yet they wait.  You wait.  And I don't know why.  All I can do is listen, be your friend, jump in when I have an experience that might relate, and pray.  And so I will continue to do these things.

For those of you that know me in real life, this is obviously far from public knowledge at this point.  I am meeting my mom to tell her in person tomorrow, so no fb acknowledgments or spilling the beans!