An Unexpected Blessing-a post that I just had to share!

A must read!

This and That *updated with pics

AF is tapering off and I am thankful to still be seeing pink (as opposed to brown).  Thanksgiving was very nice and peaceful-the perfect combo of relaxation and also the bustle and chaos of a large extended family.  I love that DH's family lives in the country!  We were able to wake up Friday to a yard full of turkeys-so cool! 

I was glad DH wanted to come home on Saturday instead of Sunday so that we had some time for our immediate family and weren't rushed into the week. 

We were able to splurge on some small house items Friday-some rugs for the kitchen, pics for the living room, solar lights for out front.  The rugs are checked and make me smile whenever I look at them. They are the perfect fit for my bright kitchen/hearth room without being overkill.  I placed one of my crazy plates on the ottomon so you can see what I have been trying to match.

We have been in our home, I call it our "forever home", over 2 years but it is still far from decorated and it was nice to get a little closer. 

Charlie is a lot of fun these days.  Each phase brings with it new joys.  Here are some recent things I love-him eating a big apple, him putting his elbows up and hands crossed behind his head, holding his hands together behind his back, he is trying to figure out nodding which is funny, saying "up" at my feet, attempting to say "dump truck", saying tree and smiling at our Christmas tree.  He constantly is bringing me us books or his dad a ball to engage us in play.  Every day I thank God for this miracle of life!

Unfortunately tonight he has some congestion, is hoarse (which is cute!), and a low grade fever.  I am working on switching meetings tomorrow to stay with him.  (I work part time-usually from home, but he has the most wonderful sitter, a friend from church we trust immensely that watches only him and her own children.  She totally treats him like her own). 

Feeling very blessed, as I do most days.  I am looking forward to Advent and prayer partners, but I am also struggling with the amount of things I am juggling, what I need to get done at work, for school, for my family, in preparation for Christmas (both faith wise and family wise).  So tomorrow it is back to reality, after a very very nice extended holiday weekend.  (sorry the pics are a little out of order, I was trying to mess with them and only made it worse-still learning...)

Shout out to my BFF

I am also incredibly thankful for my BFF.  We have known each other since fifth grade, but it was high school before we started hanging out daily.  A ton of crazy adventures and memories followed-too many to name!  She was my college roommate, made of honor at my wedding, and I just couldn't ask for a better friend.  I admire her so much! 
Recently I was talking about making the most with the state in life you are in, not wishing it away.  I know that BFF would like to be married right now.  I know she will make an amazing wife and mother.  But it isn't her time yet, so right now she is doing something that would be incredibly difficult if she was a wife and mother.  She is Peru, yes Peru, having the adventure of her life and also doing volunteer work.  She will be gone a total of 2 months.  She has an amazing blog where she tracks her adventures.  Check it out here!  I know she will be homesick tomorrow though, it being Thanksgiving, so this is my shout out!  We miss you, BFF!    Sending big hugs to you right now!

I am Thankful For...and Happy Thanksgiving

Well, my old friend AF arrived last night.  So far so good.  :)  I knew it was destined to be over the holidays, probably this month and next, but what can you do?  Life will go on.  There was one year, 2006, where we miscarried our first baby over the holidays.  I started bleeding Dec 24th.  It was a bit of a shadow over things, which of course is not how it was supposed to be.  I am thankful that will not be the case this holiday. 

Speaking of things to be thankful for, there are many.  The first and foremost is I am thankful for my husband.  He is my rock through everything.  He knew that IF issues were emerging when he proposed to me.  When we were only engaged he learned we should ttc as soon as we married, less than 6 months later.  He said yes with conviction in a way that cut through my fear and told me everything was going to be okay.  While it is easy to be sad during the holidays because you are waiting to conceive, please don't forget your lovely husbands who are there for you through all the hormones surges, the needle pokes, the medical bills, and the teary nights.  I have many wonderful single friends, most of my friends actually, who are still waiting for the one they will spend their life with, still wondering when the clock will start when they will ttc, some of them even aware of how IF issues (pcos, dydelphia, and more) and wondering how they will come into play.  I pray for them constantly that they find the one who will be there through them for thick and thin like my dh. 
I am thankful for my son, of course, who brightens my every day.  Last year at Christmas he was so tiny, with a big cough that shook his little unsteady head!  He sat on our laps and we opened gifts for him.  This year will be different.  There will be delight.  There will be ripping of paper.  There may even be eating of bows.  We will definitely be in for an adventure.  We have already placed the tree in the basement (we just starting putting it up). 

I am thankful for family in town and family not far away that we are visiting for Thanksgiving (a relatively short car ride with Charlie is also something to be thankful for).  My sister JC that lived in another state is living back home now.  My in laws are the best you could hope for, and Thanksgiving hosted by them in the country will be peaceful and perfect-bustling with family for part of it, and vegging out in a recliner with my husband for other parts (yes, I love to sit in the same recliner as dh-to my knowledge he enjoys it too; since we've been married, he doesn't get his own chair or his own glass of milk-it was practically in the vows!)

I am thankful for new blogging friends that totally "get it!"

I am thankful for not being pregnant.  Yes, we should all appreciate where we are at in life now.  This is where God wants me to be, clearly, and there are definite positives in this state like any other.  There is cookie dough to be eaten during our annual baking... My 3 sisters and I, plus multiple little niece helpers and my mom gather to make enormous amounts of cookies at the very last minute.  We do it more for traditions' sake at this point, since by Christmas eve the neighbors have left town, we are no longer going into work, etc.  We ended up burning multiple pans, going to the store (or sending the dh's) dozens of times...there are sometimes flour fights, or laughing so hard we pee our pants, and we always take way too many of the proceeds home for our own families.  These are the traditions I live for, they involve chaos and fun and are always a good time full of laughter! There will be cocktails.  Yes, I love a good drink now and then.  It doesn't take much to get my cheeks a little rosey, and though I cared more about giving up cookie dough when I was pregnant, a glass of wine on Christmas, champagne at New Year's, or a captain and coke at dh's Christmas party will definitely be a good time.  There will be teeth whitening.  I plan to ask for Crest Whitestrips for Christmas.  You can't whiten teeth while pregnant or nursing and it's been awhile.  I also plan on eating sushi over the holiday just because I can(though truth be told my favs don't include raw meat anyway-crab crunch, california roll.  yum!  hungry for sushi at 7:30am! lol). There is more, I am sure, that I am not thinking of to look forward to when not being pregnant!  I know last time I was the "waiting to try to concieve" (wtttc-I am coining this now if it has been done already!) mode I had dental x-rays!  I am sure I will think of more things.

And there is a lot more to be grateful for, in general, and not enough time to cover it all here.  I have a son literally in between my legs saying "up!" at the moment! :)
Feel free to comment and tell me what you are thankful for and what you do during the wtttc!
Happy Turkey Day to everyone in blog world!

She's almost here...

...I can feel it.  My body is preparing for the worst period of my life.  Period as in AF.  My last "real" period was in Dec. 2007.  Yes 2007!  I (oops, we!) conceived my (our) son in Jan. 2008, he was born in Oct. 2008, I nursed until mid to late Sept. 2009, and I had the tiniest easiest first period recently on Oct. 25th.  Seriously, 4 days of light per CrMS charting.  I couldn't believe what a breeze it was (and very very odd too-just a few days about Peak!).  A normal period for me is 5-7 days, mostly med, some L and VL.  Not too bad.  But after all this time not having one...Then my sister enlightened me-the first isn't that bad, its the 2nd one that kills you. Since then, I have had nausea, extreme tiredness, and just feeling strange, but there is no BFP and I am sure it is a rush of hormones-look out hubby!  Just kidding!  The last 2 or 3 days I have had these brief cramps first thing in the morning that about take me to the floor.  I hope that this in no way interferes with our 3 hr drive to my in laws for a nice family Thanksgiving.  I will be packing tons of feminine products!  I wonder if the period coming back means all the other fun things-bowel involvement etc.  I don't have bad menstral cramps typically, but I do get really sensitive to certain foods (grease, dairy, caffeine I think) that results in major intenstinal cramping  and I have been relieved of all that for quite sometime.  I definitely would not be looking forward to that.  However, the positive side is that I have been awaiting the return of AF for quite sometime since that means ttc again.  And here she comes, in full effect, any day now!

Strength through Adversity

I had to come back and add to the earlier post b/c there were too many good things that were said after I wrote it that I hadn't read yet. First of all, wow! The first reading 2 Maccabees 7:1, 30-31 is about an amazing mom that watched all 7 of her sons be killed because they stood up for the Lord and wouldn't cave to pressure. She speaks to the last son before he dies and her words are ones to give him strength and courage and to go with dignity, unwavering. Amazing. I tell myself everday that Charlie is a gift and that at anytime God may call him back to Him. But these are actions that really back that up. The strength that must've been required...I only hope I'd be that strong in such difficult circumstances! The bible has such awesome examples of strong women! The reflection in Word Among Us ties this women back to Mary's strength when her son is on the cross. It provides words of hope in difficult times: "Don't forget who God is! Remember His love for you! Remember...he has everything under his control, no matter how bad things may seem right now. No matter what you are going through...God walks with you and will give you his divine strength! ...When you are tempted to sin or feel weighted down by burdens, try to picture the God who made the universe looking on you in love." Awesome!

So I was talking CM with my hairdresser...

And now she is going to chart!  I got a text from my practitioner and I had to read it twice before it sunk in.  "Your hairdresser called me.  Are they struggling with IF?"  My hairdresser.  The one I have seen only, like 3 times (I switched when I cut my hair short).  The 2nd time I saw her, knowing she was getting married soon and Catholic, we talked about the engaged encounter weekend.  I told her how my hubby and I spoke at one about NFP and how we want to do more, etc.  She didn't have anyone talk about that at hers, strange because I am pretty sure that a requirement in our diocese and I specifically asked to make sure it wasn't out of town or anything.  Anyway, her fiancee and her want to have kids and she was very interested.  So there I was rambling on to this stranger over a blow dryer about CM etc but what the heck, right?  All for a good cause.  And hairdressers, they sort of get paid to hear you blab on and they have to be polite back so maybe I was taking a little advantage of that fact, but I didn't care.  I ended up giving her my gal's #, but with wedding planning etc etc I just really didn't think she took me seriously.  You know, the part about her being paid to listen to me threw me, so it was hard to tell if the interest was genuine!  She actually called.  She actually has an appt.  I was totally delighted and squealing in my car and everything-totally made my day.

Another random note-I have been really bad about reading the Word Among Us, one of many things I have stunk at lately on the faith front. Today I opened it up and it said" let us bear our cross and leave it to God to determine the length and the weight." -St. Rose Philippine Duchesne. Maybe it should have said "wait?" :) Certainly words worth remembering. 

The Luxury of Peeing on a Stick

Nothing exciting to post, just the fact that I have been terribly lazy doing my charting (seriously, after a year of green stamps while nursing, who wouldn't be?) despite my love for the CrMS and am having some trouble getting back into the groove.  It's like I run to the bathroom, pee, and then go oops, oh yeah.  As a result, I am a little fuzzy about my peak day and there is possible confusion regarding SF.  Anyway, that leads me to yesterday, where I found a zit near my bottom lip.  For me that is highly unusual and only means one thing, an influx of hormones.  At least that was sis JB's theory and it seems to make sense (got them when early stages preg etc).  So, that combined with my nausea when I don't have enough in my stomach lately is leading me to think that the symptoms of your hormones coming back are probably similar to them coming on when you are pregnant (even if it is with the help of poi).  Even so, I will probably indulge my desire to buy a home pregnancy test since I view them a luxury (grass is always greener...I have blood draws instead b/c always on hcg shots-give false pos).  The idea of me being pregnant without meds is slim to none and frankly laughable, but crazier things have happened (albeit they were miracles).  Unfortunately the odds are probably just as against me that I could carry a pregnancy without progesterone support, antibiotics, baby aspirin, etc  You get the idea.  Sometimes I have a twinge of envy when people who say they aren't really trying and aren't really avoiding.  Never really had that luxury.  But that's okay b/c today I get to pee on a stick.

More waiting...and then finally the clock starts

So, after DH and I had our son, we were open to trying immediately for more (though a little nervous at the thought of 2 little ones and my school still not complete, we were more scared of the alternative).  We weren't trying to be selfish (trust me are grateful as humanly possible for Charlie), but because we don't take anything for granted, we had no idea if or when it would ever happen and didn't want to waste any time.  However, it turned out it was kind of like thinking I would have Charlie 6 weeks early and then he came one week late.  We were committing to try right away, and yet...no cycle.  Yes, I was nursing.  I told myself that wanting to try for baby #2 would not cause me to do certain things different with Charlie and nursing was one of those things.  Charlie was never an on demand nurser.  He was never really a comfort nurser.  He nursed for food and he had no desire when he wasn't hungry.  As a result, I fully expected to get my cycle back sometime in the four to six month range.  I remember when DH came up to me when Charlie was only about 7 months old and he joked, "are we ever going to have another baby?" We smiled at each other, knowing this was only the beginning of the waiting.

My cycle didn't return until almost 4 weeks after quitting entirely (despite me being down to 3 feedings ages ago and from there dropping off one feeding at a time; I nursed him just shy of a year).  So my cycle just started on the 25th of last month (you heard me right, we are officially in real time!)   I don't regret nursing him that long, and in some respects am even proud since I was unfortunate enough to endure mastitis 5 or 6 times.  (DT felt it was likely related to the underlying infection since it was happening a ton and I was doing all the prevention I could think of). 

Back to cycles.  Of course the folks that don't want it back get it very quickly it seems!  It is strange, others coming up and asking me about number 2 and I found myself sharing with perfect strangers that if my period was back we would certainly be trying but we can't.  I did it because I didn't want to appear to be the type I was not-like those who viewed children as a given, but also an inconvenience, the type that would try to perfectly space my family around my own selfishness.  Literally, the only thing worse than ttc and being unsuccessful is not being allowed to try, or even getting to start the cycle clock (once it starts we will be waiting the recommended 3 full cycles to try) even though fully anticipating the difficulty once it all began.  I tried to tell myself to use the time wisely, with work, with my son, with my husband.  Making the most of whatever stage you are at in life is important-I am a firm believer in not wishing life away but focusing on that moment.  I was relatively patient and living in the moment for the most part, as you might expect with my son to distract me.  Still, the desire to begin trying was/is definitely there.  Now the cycle clock has begun, after my son turned one.  So, we have a plan in place.
Cycle one-nothing
Cycle two-blood draw at peak plus 7 for pro and est (mailed to omaha)
cycle three-cycle review at CD1, indicated meds including oral antibiotics, blood draw
cycle four-cycle review, adjust meds as needed and ttc unless something else needs tweaking
cycle five, six, and seven ttc on med and cyclical oral antibiotics and cycle reviews and blood draws to monitor
If, after 7 cycles, nothing happens and nothing appears to need work via Dr. Hilgers, then it is off to NY, this time for full DT treatment.

sidenote: I have one bottle of hcg left from my old insurance and it isn't covered on our current insurance. Dr. Hilgers wrote a letter about it being hormonal, but it didn't matter, they just said it wasn't an option under my husband's plan (his work hadn't opted for it or something).  I am wondering what something like that would cost?

Happy Birthday letter!

Charlie,
A year has passed since I have written you a letter.  That is because each day I get to delight in you.  I get to look at you in awe, I get to take your picture, I get to touch your face and feel you touch mine.  These are things I wasn't sure would ever happen, and they bring more happiness to me than I could ever imagine.  The thrill of you has not faded one bit.  Daddy and I still "fight" over who gets to hold you in church, and who gets to put you to bed.  We still race to be the one to see you first in the mornings.  We still pose with you like you are a trophy, and I have taken thousands of photos of your every move.  We still can't believe you are here.  It is still surreal.  I want you to know how much we love you today and will always love you.  We still remind ourselves that you are a gift, and each day is a blessing.  We don't know how long we will get to have with you, nothing is a given, but we are determined not to take one minute for granted.
Happy Birthday, son.  I am priviledged to be your mom.

Goodbye ob/gyn no. 3, Dr. A. Hello, ob/gyn no. 4, Dr.S.

Well, I appear to change ob/gyn's faster than handbags (maybe that isn't saying much, I think I mentioned I am shamefully ignorant in all things female, but you get the point).  DH is starting to get annoyed with me.  We both liked ob/gyn #3-he went to our church, he listened to what I had to say about Dr. Hilgers and Dr. Toth and he followed through on the IV, etc; I guess I would say even though he wasn't initiating, he participated.  And that should have been enough right?  I mean, there are not any Napro ob/gyns in the area and the family practitioners I have issue with (one with a really disorganized office, one that says he is napro but seems to water it down and mix in his own ideas, not up on the training...the 3rd is new and seems okay...she is my family practitioner but so far I keep the ob/gyn to the specialists) Maybe I will really regret this, but the ob/gyn also told a single friend of mine that I had talked into charting that it was a "waste of time."  That really got me going.  I mean, he knew our success story and the HUGE role that CrMS had played.  I felt like I had been slapped in the face, even lied to.  Why was he nodding and smiling my direction and then saying that to my friend?  So, when a potentially better ob/gyn came along, I jumped at the chance and immediately switched following my 6 week follow up.  I had seen a write up about him in the diocesan newspaper.  He was an ob/gyn, he was local, and he not only stopped preforming sterilizations, but he had recently quit prescribing the pill due to basically "being hit by the God bat"!  I was impressed!  I had no reason to visit this doctor other than to "interview him."  I was able to get in quickly due to a cancellation and I was spared the dreaded paperwork that states "how many pregnancies?  how many live births?" (who the heck was the insensitive person that designed that form?!)  Still my nervousnes was apparent when they took my blood pressure, as usual.  He seemed very nice and accepting of my hx.  I tried not to scare him away with my appreciativeness and all I had to say (I can come on a little strong, imagine that!)  Anyway, I hope I didn't jump the gun here-he is not training in CrMS yet and even passed up a recent symposium opportunity I spoke at that he was explicitly invited to.  Hmmm...I mean, if you are telling folks to get off the pill, that there are better things out there...don't you think you should know what those are?  But, we have a huge Catholic community that are now going to him and are all, nicely, asking him to get trained so he can support their charting.  So we will see.  I guess, regardless, I won't be any worse off than with the one that thinks its a sham.  And you've got to admit, him not prescribing the pill anymore, that is a huge step for an ob/gyn.  I wrote a very nice letter telling my ob why I was leaving him and a very nice letter telling my new ob why I am switched to him.  I am a firm believer of constructive feedback :)  Anyway, we will see if ob/gyn #4 follows through with his support of my unconventional ways (they always seem to act like it is no big deal in the beginning...).  If not, I might have to go crawling back to ob/gyn #3!

Quotes

Those who know me know I love a good quote; I cling to them in difficult times.  There is the bible of course, and others.  Some that I've found inspiring over time are:

• Proverbs 3:5-6
• Romans 12:1-2
• Everything will be okay in the end.  If it's not okay, it's not the end.
• People won't remember what did or what you said.  They will remember how you made them feel.
• If God brought you to it, He will get you through it.
• The will of God's will never take you where the grace of God's will not protect you. 

In my kitchen a plaque says:
In this house, we do second chances; we do grace; we do real; we do mistakes; we do I'm sorry's; we do loud real well; we do hugs; we do family; we do love.
(that reflects my dream of a large chaotic family more than the reality of our quiet family of 3!)

As you can imagine, I like the company Uppercase and would plaster my house if I had the income. :)

In Charlie's room I have one saying over his crib:
Before you were conceived, we wanted you.  Before you were born, we loved you.  Before you were here an hour, we would die for you.  This is the miracle of love.

I also had a prayer I like engraved and it is on a shelf in his room with his St. Raphael statue:
Lord, look down from heaven above and touch this special child with love.  Protect and guide this little one until each and every day is done.  Remind us often that its true, this little life is a gift from you.  A miracle you've send our way.  Lord, bless this child.

At Last...

I can’t tell you how anxious we were to meet our son or daughter. I didn’t want to have an induction though, just wanted our little one to come in his or her own sweet time. However, after going past my due date, our appointment at the doctor revealed that for the safety of the baby, an induction is required at some point when you are overdue.  He felt that two weeks past the due date was the longest he wanted me to go for safety reasons. Because of this inevitability, we chose to schedule the induction for one week past due date, Oct. 8th, since that would mean DH would have more time at home with the baby and me. 

Still I hoped for a natural start to labor to know the baby was ready and just the excitement that comes with not knowing when or where. We kept joking that the baby would come on its own at the 11th hour. Hubby’s parents were in town that week, anticipating their first grandchild’s birth. DH and I left them at home that night to run up to our church quickly for Fr. Reggie’s goodbye reception. We saw many we knew there and they all, including Father, and they all said they would say prayers for a healthy baby and God willing, a natural start to labor.

At 10pm I got ready for bed. I went to the bathroom, as usual, and had to laugh. I told DH through the cracked door, "this is why it is so unclear when your water breaks. I just keep peeing and peeing!" He laughed. I crawled into bed, and set some bread out and my alarm to wake me at 11:55pm. I am always thinking ahead to food, and knew it would be awhile before I could eat again. My last thought before I dozed off was “is this a smart idea to leave food out with the dog in the room?” But then I thought, oh well, he is asleep. And then so was I.

However, about 11:30pm I woke with a start because someone (the dog, Max!) was eating my bread! As I sat up, I felt a little liquid, and wondered if my water had really broken early in the bathroom, just a slow leak. I fretted about it to myself, looked online, finally woke DH in that “honey?” quiet call that means I don’t want to wake you but I do. I didn’t think it was safe to go back to bad, had my water broke. However, I didn’t want to cry wolf again. I had thought my water had broke before and was wrong. Slightly embarrassing, but worth it! Hubby’s response was clear-let’s find out now, at this reasonable hour, then wait until 2am to find out. Better safe than sorry. However, when I paged the doctor on call his tune was not so thrilled. I found out, regardless, I would be staying the night in the hospital.

So off we went. We didn’t want the in laws to get excited for nothing, so we waited to find out if this was a false alarm or not.  However, it was the real deal!  A natural start to labor afterall!  And I was not feeling contractions so I was pretty elated.  The only downer was...I was still dilated to only a 2.  This, and the lack of feeling anything, week overdue, etc led them to give me Pitocin.  Man, I should have enjoyed more that lack of feeling anything.  I went from 0 to 100 when I started feeling contractions at 3am and I didn't even realize it was the Pitocin.  I just kept saying I felt dumb because I didn't expect it to hurt that bad, I really thought I would "ease into it" and instead I was miserable, vomiting and shaking and not letting DH anywhere near.  If I had my head about me I would have demanded the epidural, but instead I asked nicely and got declined (I was told I could have it when I went to a 3 by the labor and delivery nurse).  Silly me thought she labor nurse had consulted the doc (who had told me I could get it anytime).  However, she hadn't, so if I would have pressured her to talk to him I probably could have gotten it.  But instead I shook and vomited and was completely tense for the next 3 hrs. 

The nurse finally acknowledged that the contractions I was having should be making me feel that bad given there was a double peak and a 2 min contraction, etc.  She also finally did encourage me to relax and helped me to do so.  She offered me staydol, something I had decided ahead of time not to take...however I felt desperate.  She said it wouldn't ease the pain, but it would make me not care about it.  That was such crap!  There is a reason I never did drugs, I don't like that crazy out of my mind feeling!  When I closed my eyes there were literally pink elephants dancing and so I forced myself back to the delivery room and back to the pain to get away from it.  But now the delivery room was spinning and I couldn't concentrate on any words, everything was just so blurry.  Needless to say, I continued to vomit.

When I finally go to a 3, I got the most kind anesthiologist who was just going to prep me and go for a C-section and return, but decided instead to give the epidural to me then.  I remember asking if we could wait until I got through a contraction and he said no, there was no time, but I managed to stay still and DH was big help and didn't faint or anything and once it was in, it was GLORIOUS!  Some feel pressure, but not pain, but I felt NOTHING!  And that was fine with me! 

DH was actually able to sleep and I rested, but my mind was racing, and couldn't think about sleep!  So I called my folks to come up and wait with me.

I got checked about 40 min after the epidural and the nurse was surprised to announce that, though it took 3 hrs to go from 2 to 3, now that I had relaxed (thank you epi!) I had gone from a 3 to a 9!  So it was about 6:40am then.  DH heard the 9 pronounced and jumped up to his feet from his sleep.  He thought he misheard or had been sleeping too long!  He called his mom and stepdad up immediately.  Stepdad didn't quite realize what his mom did-it was go time!  No time to slowly get ready.  This baby was coming!!!!

The nurse came back in to sheepishly say that she hadn't anticipated me dilating so quickly and that she had updated the doc and told him he could go to another hospital to do a c-section right before checking me.  So I told her no problem, I could wait, I was completely comfortable.  Seriously.  Crazy right?!

Two hours later (I told you I was comfortable!) at 9 the doc arrived. 6 or so pushes and 25 min later, our baby was born.  When DH looked to announce the gender, he could hardly believe his eyes; it was more like a question than a pronouncement.  We had a son.  Charles Raph.ael, 19 inches and 7 lbs 8 oz.  (Charles is the name of DH's dad; he passed away when DH was 12).  DH cried tears of joy-said a healthy baby was all he wanted, but a boy was, well, icing on the cake!  Charlie had a perfectly round head from the short birth and we were told over and over again how very alert he was.  It was also clear that he knew and recognized his daddy’s voice from the first moment, which was so awesome to see!  Daddy did an excellent job with the first bath and was so gentle applying the lotion that it made everyone's heart melt.  The nurse told me she knew he was a boy from the second she saw his face, but didn't want to announce early on the off chance it was a girl.  We couldn’t have been happier!  He had big eyes and a little dark hair and he was just so alert; he hung on our every word. 

DH reminds me that someone mentioned something about the name, and I said I liked our girl name too, so we would just have to have another to use it.  The medical professionals in the room (now there were, like 10 or something crazy!) looked at me like I was nuts and one of them mentioned that it was rare to hear someone talk about #2 after just going through labor.  What can I say?  Children are a blessing, there was no time to waste, and I am sure the epidural working so well was partially responsible.

Charlie wasn't interested in nursing at first, and then we tried about 2 hrs later and probably waited too long, by then he was tired.   So we tried later and eventually got the hang of it (mom and baby) with lots of latch help from nurses and the lactation consultants!

Two more moments that stand out in mind.  First, DH's folks coming in and MIL announcing that they were doing some math in the waiting room and that 9 months ago to the day was DH's birthday.  Well, they knew how we were celebrating!  Well, let's say I don't normally get embarrassed easily, but they were exactly right and it resulted in me turning just a little pink!  Second, God love her, but my mother calling my out of town sis JC from IN to bring her in on the crazy moment (and it was. there was tons of family in my room including sis JB and her 3 kids 4 and under...that I loved!)  But my mom shoves the phone in my face and I spend the next several minutes trying to relatively politely remove myself (I can be honest with her, but she was really homesick just then) from the phone so I could enjoy the moment!  Totally had to watch DH give baby a bath on video later-grrr!  But so my mom, well intentioned, sometimes comes off a little...well, off!

When we left the hospital, after lots of great visits from friends and family (which continued), we just waited for someone to stop us at the door and say it was all a mistake or something.  We couldn't believe he was ours.

Everyday I remind myself that even though he is ours, he is a gift.  Enjoy everyday, there are no guarentees, unfortunately, how long he will be with us.  I know it is easier said than done, but I try to think of Mary and her braveness towards her son's greater mission.  We will see what God has in store for you, little one!

Symtoms by Trimester

First trimester


 Small amt of acid reflux-like something was stuck in my throat

 Very sick when didn’t eat enough

 Vivid dreams- weird things I never dreamed about before

 Went to the bathroom a ton, esp in the night and with iv

 Tender chest, lots of growing in that area

 Stomach relaxes, lots of bloating, stomach began to grow

 First nose bleed at end of trimester

 Lots of pineapple and fruit

 Easily influenced to crave food

 Very tired-naps plus bed about 9pm.

 Two cysts, one quite large
Second trimester

 Three nose bleeds in one week, then no more

 Definitely in maternity clothes and showing by 14 weeks

 Still can’t push not eating too far, blood sugar drops off, that was gone by week 19 (returned later)

 Getting up about once a night to pee

 Still tired, but not as bad

 2nd half-breasts not as sore, nose bleeds quit, can be hungry, still vivid dreams about random things, little aches and pains start again, conscious of btw shoulder blade pain, shoulder pain and back pain necessitating the right shoes, posture etc

 At least one week of burping around 19 when I was also sick

 Felt the baby kick at almost 19 weeks for first time-small bubbles popping-grew harder each week. Once even felt a flip over.

 Hips feel increasingly loose and sore

 Increased energy

 A little heart burn

 Baby hiccups once
Third trimester:

 Baby feels like it is taking up all the room in my stomach; kicks are much harder

 movement increases that isn’t just kicks, but full body movements-feel baby move in multiple places at same time.

 Temperature increases-less comfortable sleeping at night b/c hot-feel warm almost all the time, a good 10 degrees hotter than normal, more along DH's temp or even hotter

 Feel like going to vomit again if don’t eat soon

 Have to urinate often again

 Heartburn increases, especially when hungry

 Tiredness increases, plus no more T3 add to it.

 Baby is head down-feels like movement inside pelvis and kicks in the ribs

 Baby is mostly on one side, leaving a little room on the other side

 No room to eat, full easy, hungry again very quickly

 Loose stools (one per day)-body is preparing to have the little one-got very very loose after just a bowl of cereal at week 39

 Nausea starts happening about 8 ½ months along, feel like going to throw up but don’t, usually when need to eat

 Cramping pain occurs mostly in morning-some twings and twangs too

 Baby feels very low, almost like going to fall out when walking-comes and goes

 After 35 weeks started s ciatic nerve stuff-first numbness in right leg, just felt odd

 After 37 weeks started feeling sciatic pain I couldn’t walk when it struck

 Since about 37 weeks felt pressure on my ribs, hot continuous but an hour here or there

 Feet swollen for first time at 37 ½ weeks-not much, but a little

 Hands swollen 1 x due to salt at 38 weeks

 About 38 weeks had nerve pain on left side

 Bottom of Feet feel tender at night and first thing in morning

 Been pretty lethargic

 General baby movement feels like decreased, but easy to stimulate movement by rubbing anywhere I feel baby

Med log 9.26.08-9.29.08

Fri, 9.26.09, 39 w 3 days, I had an extra appt thinking my water may have broke in the night, Thurs, so wanted to be safe and not sorry.  Also Thurs pm I had a small drop of blood.  Fri pm I started lost my mucus plus.  Heartrate was 150s and ultrasound still showed good fluid, mostly on the left.  I was 80% effaced and still 2 cm.  I was uncomfortable during my exam by the on call doc.

Mon, 9.29.09, Feast of the archangels-I had hoped to give birth, but no such luck.  God's timing, not ours....

Letter 9 from 9.25.08

Dearest little one,


Never have I in my life been so excited to meet someone. The anxiety that any day could be “the day” has been going on for weeks to the point I think I might burst! Your daddy and I are so excited to know your gender, how you look, and to get to know your little personality; we can hardly stand to wait anymore. But we must, we have no choice, so we try to spend our time wisely and continue to prepare. It feels like we’ve actually done everything on our list though! Never has the house been so clean! :) The bags are packed. Our schedule is cleared-we hesitate to travel too far. I even call Daddy to make sure he will answer his phone, in case I have to make “the call.” I was even able to wrap up work this week, which has been a blessing.

In hindsight, it is probably better you didn’t come last week. I got such a terrible cold and wasn’t well rested. But I am better now, so you can come anytime little one! I think this is the beginning of so many things not being in our control. :) Like I said, we are trying to make the most of our time, and be patient. We know you must know the right time, we know you are busy getting bigger and rounder and that is your main job right now. We just know you are the best thing to ever happen to us-a present that we are just dying to open! I know the excitement of meeting you will help me get through the labor experience. I am glad we are not going to induce-I know that God knows the best time, and that nature will take it’s course. But still, we wonder, will walking stir you a little? Then we will walk! Spicy food, is that a myth? What have others tried? I go from thinking crazy thoughts to get you out back to reality-none of it will likely work and your timing is best. But still my mind goes all these directions. I took for granted that you would be here early, and though you still could be, I am over 39 weeks now.

I see your pumpkin outfit hanging in your closet and wonder-will you wear newborn size or 0-3 months at that time? Good thing we have both! I hope the pumpkin topper fits your little head! :) I continue to get invited to events both this weekend and a month down the road. I hesitate to travel too far anytime soon, and wonder at what point you and I (and Daddy) will be traveling out to meet all the folks who love you and are also anxiously awaiting your arrival. One friend said she was so excited she was going to pee her pants! :) And my coworker said she thinks she is excited about you as much as I am because she knows how much you mean to us already! Another friend said how excited she was-you have so many “aunts” waiting in the wings to love you, in addition to all your real aunts and family members. Your oldest cousin is just sick that she doesn’t live in town-she wants to be a very active part of your life.

And so we wait, excited and hopeful, continuing our prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. We can’t wait to meet you, little one! Love, Mom and Dad

Med log 8.28.08-9.24.08

8.28.08, 35weeks, 3 days, Ultrasound was done early due to low progesteron (for my own comfort).  Femur was 36w1 day, stomach was 34 w and head was 34 w 6 days side to side and 35 w 3 d circumferance.  The est weight is 5lb 8 oz and the fluid was good too-7.87

9.3.08, 36 w 1 day, Measured 36 1/2 weeks!  Right on schedule!

9.4.09, 36 w 2 days, Prog was about 129 so low zone 2, still went off progesterone at 37 weeks as was the original plan.  Okay if baby comes early now...

9.10.08, 37 weeks 1 day, Iron came back at 33%, still relatively borderline; they accidently goofed my group b and refrigerated it so they redid it that week and it came back negative; I've gained 38 lbs!  They guessed the baby to be 6 lbs 12 oz, the heartrate was high due to him/her being very active, 160s, 170s, First check to see if dilated-a 2!  60% effaced, stateion was -3 or -2, definitely noticing the drop.  I measured 37 1/2 weeks. 

9.17.08, 38 weeks 1 day, Heartrate was 172, -2 station, 75% effaced, measured 38 weeks, still dilated to 2.

9.24.08, 39 weeks 1 day, 75% effaced, still 2 cm, measured 39 weeks, heartrate 132, lower heartbeat could be a sign of coming soon, same wtih loose bowels.  I got anxious and let ob/gyn "stretch" my cervix.

Letter 8 from 8.24.08

Aug. 24th, 2008

Baby B,

We had so much fun at our showers and our once again touched by how supportive and generous our friends and family are. We are so blessed! We are feeling as prepared as we can be for such a momentous occasion as your birth!

We have enjoyed our child birth, baptism, cpr, and child care classes. I have only breast feeding class left to take. Your daddy diligently attended and took notes at every class! :)

We are once again reminded about the life cycle. Our friend passed away over a week ago. Our others friends had their little one Jacob. Your godparents, gave birth to their girl just yesterday! We are excited to meet their little ones, and still anxiously awaiting the arrival of my sister's 3rd baby!

oops letter 5 from 6.10.08

June 10th, 2008


Dearest Charbelle-

It’s been such a wonderful experience being pregnant! I know that you are safe and growing, well fed and rested and have all your needs met. All this and I have two hands free! :)

It’s been amazing to watch my belly grow and to know you are growing too! I love the sight of my big belly, and your daddy loves it too! It is all so novel for us! I read you are about 1 pound right now and about 12 inches-it seems so big compared to when we were excited you were the size of a grape! I wonder what I will look like when you are seven pounds! :)

I also read this week that soon anytime I will be able to see your kicks that I enjoy feeling so much! I have loved to feel you get stronger each week, and was so excited at the implications of seeing your kicks-it means your daddy can finally feel them too! On my 30th birthday you gave me a special gift, you kicked my hand! Then I knew the time to wait was short! We waited anxiously all week and this morning you were especially active. You seem to be an early riser like your mama and daddy, and so I laid in bed at 6:45am and felt you active. After several kicks I had your daddy wake up and roll over to put his hand under my belly. I was laying on my left side. A wide smile grew across his face and I knew that he had felt you. You gave him a few good kicks and made his day!

My friend told me last night that eventually I would even see your hand push on the inside of my tummy. I can’t even fathom! So amazing! I also read that you can feel my body movements change, and that I could sway to music and rock you. You seemed to enjoy the music at church and in my car, and you kick away. Will you be a musician? A singer? I hope you have better musical talent than me, but enjoy it just as much! You also kicked when the buzzers were going off when we watched your daddy play basketball this past weekend for corporate challenge? Will you inherit your daddy’s athletic ability? Whatever you are, whatever you do, you will be just perfect, this I know!

If anyone would ask me, I would guess I was having a boy. Perhaps b/c no one in my family had a boy first, or because of one very special name, Charles Raphael. However, I have been referring to you as a she for so long! I am sorry if that is wrong, but CharBelle (your daddy’s first nickname for you-one of many I am sure) sounds more feminine. So we will just wait and see!

Speaking of birthdays, you made my thirtieth glorious! I don’t know if I would have had the usual 30 glums at getting older, but it wasn’t even close to an issue. Here I was so blessed with a wonderful husband, family, lots of friends, my dream house and carrying our miracle in my womb! What could be better? To top it off, my mother had me when she was thirty. It seems like such a special connection.

I can’t wait for the doctor this week. On Wednesday, daddy and I will visit Dr. A to see the four chambers of your heart-amazing! I can’t wait to see you dance and squirm on the screen again! I always find comfort in our doctor’s visits. Daddy has a friend at work that gave birth at 24 weeks. We are 24 weeks this week. If you are ever going to listen to me, mind me now: stay put! Grow strong inside me and I will try to wait patiently for an on time arrival. We want you to be as healthy as possible! We will continue to pray for you!

Much love to our beautiful child-God has great things in store for you!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

P.S. My friend is convinced you will be a saint, but no pressure! You can be anything you want to be, of this I am sure!

Med log 7.23.08-8.21.08

7.23.08, 30 w 1 day, Everything looked good, averaging about 30 weeks and about 3 1/2 lbs so 56th percentile.  The head is now down, the face is back and the feet are to the right.  The back is across my stomach and they continue to say we wouldn't know the sex even if we wanted to.  That helps during tough moments, but so far, waiting to learn the gender has been easier than we expected.

7.24.08 30 w 2 days, Progesterone was 115, zone 3. Doc said I could stop prog or choose to do it 1 x/week, so that is what I chose to do, of course.

8.7.08, Prog was 130, zone 3.  Chose to continue with 1x/week

8.18.08, 33 weeks?  Heart rate was 140-155, they guessed 4 1/2 lbs, lots of movement, belly was 34"

8.21.08, progesterone was 96.8!  high zone 1, recommended I go on both the 2 shots per week (and max doese) and also sustained release orals twice a week.  Hold on, baby, we want to meet you but want you safe inside until the proper time!  Scary!

Letter 7 from 7.13.08

July 13th, 2008


Lovely,

I am so excited! It seems like it is right around the corner that you will be here! Today I woke up anxious to continue our preparations. We have made great strides on our list in preparation for you coming, but there is much more to do! We have sold my old car.. We have chosen a pediatrician for you that I am confident in. We have chosen godparents for you, good friends from church, that we are confident in. We are researching daycare and babysitters so you will be well taken care of when we are apart from each other. We are working on child proofing the house. We are looking forward to our baby showers, our child care/birthing/nursing classes, and our baptism preparation classes.

We had a sad event in the family this week. Your great grandfather, Kayo Thomas, passed away. He is my daddy’s daddy, and he will be greatly missed. My sister and my growing belly reminded everyone that this is they cycle of life.

I had another great doctor’s appointment this week. He measured my belly and it was 28 inches, perfect for 28 weeks (top to bottom)-across I am more like 40 inches! ":) He said all is well, and he was happy to see me grow. I passed my glucose test and was borderline for low iron, so he wants me to be sure to eat foods rich in iron. I would do anything for you, baby! I will start appointments every two weeks now, instead of once a month, and I am excited to have another ultrasound at the next one. Daddy will be right there to see how much you’ve grown. I know it is a lot, as you are so strong already. I wonder how you will fit as you continue to grow?

One more thing-I have started reading you stories. Daddy has joined in on the fun. I enjoy the princess’ kiss book, but lately we’ve been reading you a love story every day. Daddy and I take turns telling you how much we love you with a new book called “You’re my little love bug!”

Finally, I am preparing a scrap book for you so you can have all these letters and photos and things I describe to you all in one place. I can’t wait to share it with you!

Med log 7.10.08

7.10.08 My appts are every two weeks now.  The doctor measured my stomach a different way than alterations and he found it to be right on target at 28"-evidently the inches and number of weeks are the same, roughly.

The heartbeat was around 145.  I passed my glucose test and my iron was borderline, no need to start supplments, just need to beef up my own intake.  Progesterone, per Dr. Hilgers was 88.7 so I continue to be on that.

Letter 6 from 6.27.08

June 27, 2008


My love,

I will never get over how amazing it is to see you in a sonogram picture! I want to see you every day that way! We left the office last time with a picture of your five perfect fingers! And your dad is just in awe as I am!

We went to Las Vegas, an adult city, to spend one last vacation before you were born. I don’t want to travel too close to my due date-you just never know! Aunt J had A very early; we are trying to prevent this with shots twice a week, but still…a friend just had their little one four weeks early and her husband was in St. Louis! He managed to get back in time, but my family is known for quick labors. Of course, that means if I expect it you will probably take days! :)

I just can’t imagine waiting that long for you! I am already anxious for you to come, though I want you to stay inside me and grow strong. I know you are safe and well taken care of as long as you are there!

While I went to a beautiful family reuninion and memorial service for my mom's side of the family, your daddy stayed back and spend the day painting your room with his mom, Grandma Coleen. It looks so amazing! Goodbye pink tree, hello calming green! I absolutely love the color! And your giraffe your daddy and I picked out for you at MGM in Vegas looks so cute in there. I keep thinking of what I want where to make it the most special room ever. The main message I want to get across is how much you are loved! I want it to be just right, with a special unique touch that says it was meant just for you.

Daddy and I registered for you this week. We put all sorts of nice and functional things on the list. I think we will get more than we need, as we have always been blessed with abundant famiy and friends who are extremely supportive. We will have three showers-one thrown by daddy’s aunt Candy for the Johnsons, one thrown by my sister for our couples friends (church and college), and one thrown by Alisha for high school friends, Thomas family, and a few others like Nan, who is also pregnant. Everyone is working hard to make those days special and fun. We are so blessed and loved!

I feel you get stronger in me every day. It is still so novel to feel you move within me. Now my stomach moves as well-a big jump out to the side when you move or kick! You seemed to love the comedian, George Wallace, in Vegas. And you also kicked all through Cirque D’ Solei. There was beautiful music and drums and I felt you were swimming within me creating your own beautiful performance! I told Fr. Tom how you kicked through the teen mass with the contemporary music and he thought you were going to have musical talent! I hope so-but neither your father nor I do! I just hope you can walk through a doorway without hitting your shoulder! But if not, you will just take after your mom! Speaking of, your daddy is quite talented! We watched him play basketball and tennis a few weeks ago for corporate challenge. I think you loved the noise and reverations in the gym-you kicked a lot then too-maybe to support your daddy? He brought home two gold medals! I am always amazed athleticism comes with ease for him, and hope you are lucky to receive that gift. However, I know whatever talents God has in store for you, they will be amazing.

One final preparation-daddy and I bought a new farmily car. A nice safe one for you! We are getting close to being ready. We just need to buy a crib and maybe a glider, and once we have the showers we will have plenty of nice things to fill your drawers and closet and toybox with! We are all signed up for our classes to take, and daddy and I are ready everything we can to be knowledgable about taking care of you. My favorite so far is Life Giving Love, by Kimberly Hahn. Well that is it for now. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you! I can’t wait to meet you precious one!

Med log 5.1.08-6.6.08

Thurs, 5.1.08, 18 w 3 days, Prog was 39.5, low zone 2, back to shots twice a week

Tues, 5.6.08, 19 w, Ultrasound!  Head measured 18 w 6 days and 19 w 2nd time, Femur was 18 w 6 days and Abdomen was 18 w 6 days.  Perfect!  good spine.  Heartrate was 144, and tons of good "fetal activity" :)

Wed, 5.7.08, 19 w 1 day, Doppler only at doctor's appt, went well.  Alterations lady measured me 36" with hips 38.5"! :) 

At 20 weeks I had gained 15 pounds

Thurs, 5.15.08, 20 w 2 day, Progesterone was 59.1, zone 3, I was told I could go down to 1 shot a week, but it was okay to keep 2x a week if that made me more comfortable.  Guess what I chose ? ;)

Fri, 5.30.08, 22 w, 2 days.  Progeterone was one day later b/c missed memorial day shot-took it  a day late.  It was 63.6, high zone 2 (below avg) so keeping 2x week shot

Ultrasound one day in the following week (exact date unknown): Baby weighs 1 lb 7 oz!  in the 47%; head was 24 w 1 day and 23 w 6 day; belly was 23 w 3 days and head was 24 w 5 days so more variability, but still right on track!

Fri, 6.6.08-My birthday!  Being pregnant makes turning 30 such a joy.  My mom had me when she was 30 (granted, I was her 3rd), but I realize that it is such a blessing being pregnant relatively young with our struggles!  Alteraations lady measured my belly at 38"

Letter 4 from 4.25.08

April 25th, 2008


Precious One,

As I see my stomach grow it becomes a necessary reminder, as being this far along in the pregnancy is very surreal to me. Multiple times I get overwhelmed at how lucky we are to be this far, I see others around me struggling. I easily remember that we were there too, and then quickly remind myself that we aren’t over the hurdles yet. Only when I hold you safe in my arms will I know for sure. That being said I do have great hope. I know God wants me to be hopeful and that is why we were given the signs-Mary on the side of the road on my way to test, and the Archangel Raphael’s message of healing. All of the prayers and kind thoughts from loved ones help too. Your dad and I pray for your health too!

Your daddy and I have picked out your bedroom furniture-I hope you like it! We did our usual combination of style, yet a good deal-your dad and I make quite a pair! I knew when we both got such a kick out of the monkey that we had found the right bedding. We look at the tiny rocking chair and imagine you here with us. It is fun to prepare a place for you. We even had a baby swing added to the swing set. You are going to have so much fun playing with your cousins out there!

I read that you have a scalp pattern now and wonder if you are growing hair. I assume it will be white like your daddy’s, mine was light when I was young too. But you never know, you might surprise us! Will you have lots of hair like your cousin M? Or no hair like your cousin A? Will you be the same sex as J's (my pregnant sister's) baby, growing in her womb this moment? I don’t care either way, but it is fun to guess! I thought your daddy was wanting a boy to play sports, and that is part of it, but a teenage girl seems to make him more nervous than a boy :) He will be a great dad no matter what! We decided not to find out what you are and be surprised. That is, if we can hold out. Right now I don’t mind waiting-I feel we have bonded regardless. We even call you by name-CharBelle. You will learn that your daddy loves nicknames, so he came up with that one by combining your boy name, Charles, with your girl name, Anabelle!

I wonder if Max, our German Shephard, knows that I am pregnant? I think he does. He always has such a gentle demeanor, I know he will love you too!

I can’t wait to see you again, in a few weeks, on the monitor. I know you have grown so much since I was only 10 weeks, and I look forward to seeing your long legs and features.

Med Log 3.3.09-4.17.08

Mon, 3.3.08, 9 w 6 days-u/s in NY Baby looked great, curled up but squirming.  Placenta did implant, no clots, good amt of amniotic fluid, none on brain, spial cord fused, looked "infection free" per Dr. Toth.  Heart rate "looked good", exact number not known.

Thurs, 3.6.08, 10 w 2 days-Progesterone is 44.9 so zone 4.  MOre energy, not feeling as sick when don't eat so no longer wearing the sea bands.

Wed, 3.12.08, 11 w 1 day-Doppler at ob/gyn office and found hb 170-175.  I declined other testing-no need to worry over false positive, if truely something wrong it wouldn't change our plans to have this blessing, and there would be nothing we could do in the womb to prevent anything at that point anyway.

Thurs, 3.20.08, 12 w 2 d-Progesterone was 32.3, so high zone 2.  Excited to be in my friend's wedding-had to get a bridesmaid dress made to look like others but account for my growing belly.  Alterations lady measured me 32" around.

Thurs, 4.3.08, 14 w 2 day-Progesterone was 50.3 so zone 3, same amt of shot as before, but only one per week (Thurs instead of Mon and Thurs).

Wed, 4.9.08, 15 w 1 day-doppler only looked good

Thurs, 4.17.08, 16 w 2 day-progesterone was 50.7, zone 3, no change in dosing

Home from NY-Letter 3-3.6.08

March 6th, 2008


Precious One,

You have had a busy few weeks in the womb! First, I was a little nervous about not hearing your little heartbeat in awhile; in addition, my progesterone level was going down. I didn’t know that was normal, so I requested an ultrasound from Dr. A. They were nice enough to get me in quickly; so quickly (45 min) that your dad couldn’t be at the appt! It was so wonderful to see your heart rate at 175, just as it should be. But even better was the joy from seeing you do a full body wiggle there on the screen-your happy dance I called it! It seems you like having your picture taken!

On March 1st, you had a very special day-you received your first sacrament! Most people are at least born before they get theirs-but not you. I saw in the bulletin at church that they were doing Healing of the Sick as a diocesan event, so I after praying at the abortion mill, I went there to join in on the blessing. It was beautiful, and the priest understood me when I said “there are two of us wanting the sacrament” and touched my tummy. He blessed me first, then put his hands on my tummy and blessed you little one. Tears streamed down my face! We were additionally blessed to receive Lourde’s water afterwards, which I chose to drink.

On March 2nd we were off for your first plane ride! Your dad and I were anxious as we went across the country to hear from the pathologist how things were going with your and our health. Dr. Toth was wonderful, and he could only say great things about you! He thought that you were growing perfect-your brain, spinal cord, the sac you were in, the fluid in the sac, all good things! You even repeated your wiggle dance so your daddy could see. He asked the doctor when we could stop worrying that you would be okay, and Dr. Toth told us that you were conceived healthily, that the IV helped keep you that way, and that he would see to it that anything that tried to get in the way of your health was stopped on the spot! We were so relieved! Your dad especially floated through the office to the airport, calling his mom, his sister, his grandma…He kept grinning and looking at me and saying “we’re gonna have a baby!” He made plans to tell his boss when we got home.

Well that is it for now. It’s been a busy, but wonderful time! I am growing at a faster rate than expected (looking more fat than pregnant-:)), and I am happy to say that just in the last 36 hrs I am starting to have more energy and able to not feel sick if I don’t eat all the time! I will be in maternity clothes before you know it!

Letter 2 from 2.29.08

Precious One,


Hope and pray we did! Us and so many others. I tried hard to keep all the notes from friends and loved ones that shared their support and prayers. Two examples, wonderful friend who leads sidewalk counseling out at the local abortion mill immediately went to mass for you and lit a candle. Then she shared the news with Fr. Gordon, who also sometimes comes out to the clinic. He was going on retreat for a week and promised to continue praying to St. Rita for your health, as he did earlier for your conception. And there was all the novenas said! This is a beautiful story I am so excited to share with you! You see, as you have probably already been told, there were two beautiful babies before you that were not meant to stay on this earth. The first one we named Michael, the main reason being that he was such a fighter. I pictured Michael the archangel prepared for battle against the evil one and found it fitting. The second baby was so sick, and I felt called to name her Gabby, keeping Gabriel the archangel in my mind. I would smile up at God and tell him that doesn’t mean we need to lose a third child so that Raphael would have a namesake as well. Truth be told, on first glance I didn’t particularly care for the name. Of course, that was before.

Your dad and I knew that we had some nasty infections to fight for our future children to be well. We consulted the best doctors in the country and did everything they suggested. We have often associated the physical healing with spiritual healing as well, and our journey for the two was always intertwined. As soon as I had one questionable hcg level after becoming pregnant with you, I felt called to explore the third archangel, Raphael. I can’t tell you how I almost fell out of my seat when I read that the name literally meant “God had healed”. I felt immediately comforted. I wanted to learn all I could about Raphael and thus dived into the Old Testament to read the book of Tobit. Another surprise followed as I saw what a pivotal role Raphael had in the story of Tobius and Sarah, which was the same reading your dad and I had as the first reading at our wedding! I was tearful with joy. I felt such a connection and peace with the situation! Finally, I searched for prayers to Raphael for his intercession for health and found a beautiful novena. I shared this with friends and family, the women on the infertility discussion board, our parish priest-Fr. Tom, and more and asked them to join me in the 9 day prayer. So many did, it was wonderful! And of course, the blood draw after that showed typical growth and we praised God together!

At this time, Fr. Tom continues his daily novena to Raphael, long after the nine days. An online friend who has similar fertility issues and is also pregnant, says a rosary for you every day! Fr. Gordon continues his prayers to St. Rita, and even preformed a blessing on us the other day in Latin. A friend from our small faith group has engaged his entire staff and students at the local Catholic high school to join in our prayers. My grade school friebd has her mother’s whole prayer group praying. Another friend engaged the Holy Trinity mom’s group to pray on your behalf. It is impossible for us to know how many joined in prayer on our behalf. I like to pray a prayer with St. Gerard, the patron saint of mothers.

All in all, it is clear our prayers are working. In addition, we are flying to NY on Sunday to see a pathologist to check on the status of the infection. We are doing everything in our power to keep you safe and healthy these 9 months. We can’t wait to meet you, dear one.

Med Log 2.4.08-2.26.08

Mon 2.4.08 5 weeks 6 days (dates are from conception) hcg was 12708 Continued to take my progesterone on Mon and Thurs and get draws every other Thursday to determine need and dose (mailed to Dr. Hilger's lab in Omaha).

Thurs 2.7.08 6 w 2 days, progesterone was in zone 4, 46.4

Fri. 2.8.08 6 w 3 days-Heartbeat!  It was 122 bpm and .55 cm crown rump length.  The baby measured exactly 6 w 2 days. Keeping an eye on cyst present.

Tues 2.13.08 7 weeks First appt actually seeing ob/gyn.  His involvement was everything but the progesterone and infection management.

Thurs 2.22.08 8 weeks 2 days Progesterone is 35 (zone 3 now)

Tues 2.26.08 9 weeks Concerned about progesterone so asked to be scanned.  Scan #3=heartrate at 175, about 1 inch crown rump length, and baby measured 9 weeks 1 day.  Baby was squirming and you could see it in ultrasound!  Cyst remained, plus another.

Pure Glee 1.31.08

I sent this email a few days later (Wed, 1/30.08):
Just wanted to say a quick update and let you know that YOUR PRAYERS ARE WORKING!
I got my labs back today-remember it is supposed to double in 48 hours. My labs from before were 1201 and then I was upset it only went up to 1800something. Today it went up to almost 3400-a big improvement. The nurse was ecstatic and told me to come in right away for an ultrasound. I did, and was grateful to see for the first time that all my measurements were as they should be-totally dead on on the date thanks to to the Creighton model! We saw a sac (confirming it wasn't an ectopic) and also a yolk sac, which was an unexpected bonus. We didn't expect a heartbeat (its too early) so this was really all we could hope for. We are excited, but not out of the woods yet. I get scanned again next Friday (the 8th) and we should see a heartbeat above 100 at that time-the higher the better. Also, I get another blood draw friday to see if the numbers doubled again, but I won't know until Monday. Just wanted to say thanks again for all the prayers-they are working! And please continue them! At this rate we might have to name our baby RAPHAEL! LOL

Enter St. Raphael

Well I got very nervous with the hcg draws, living and dying by the numbers as you can imagine! Well, I got an hcg that was less than favorable-from 1201 on Jan. 26th to 1838 on Jan. 28th up only 77% of what it should be. Well I got very nervous after that. As I mentioned, DH and I have named our saints after archangels-Michael (because he was such a fighter!) and Gabby. Because of the dip, I looked into the archangel Raphael, as I know nothing about him. Of course, I about fell off my chair when three inch letters on the monitor read Raphael: God has healed. Obviously, I think this is very significant. And as I read the book of Tobit last night, I realized that St. Raphael the archangel played a significant role in the first reading DH and I chose for our wedding, where he and Sarah prayed. I invited friends, family, our faith community including our priest, and all those amazing women on the IF chat boards to join me in a novena (9 day prayer) to St. Raphael to ask for healing for DH and I and the baby.

NOVENA TO ST. RAPHAEL THE ARCHANGEL (pray for 9 days or 9 hours straight)
Glorious Archangel St. Raphael, great prince of the heavenly court, you are illustrious for your gifts of wisdom and grace. You are a guide of those who journey by land or sea or air, consoler of the afflicted, and refuge of sinners. I beg you, assist me in all my needs and in all the sufferings of this life, as once you helped the young Tobias on his travels. Because you are the "medicine of God," I humbly pray you to heal the many infirmities of my soul and the ills that afflict my body. I especially ask of you the favor (state your specific request or intention here!) and the great grace of purity to prepare me to be the temple of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
St. Raphael, of the glorious seven who stand before the throne of Him who lives and reigns, Angel of health, the Lord has filled your hand with balm from heaven to soothe or cure our pains. Heal or cure the victim of disease. And guide our steps when doubtful of our ways

To NY or not to NY-that is the question

Sharing the bfp news with the gals on the boards, more details of the inner workings!
Well, of course the best laid plans...I was all set to go to NY (prepared in mind and body!) in March (all but plane tickets) and assumed a BFN (big fat negative-not pregnant in IF lingo) this next cycle since I had zero symptoms. However, we did have a history of getting pregnant fairly easy (1 or 2 cycles of effectove trying) I shouldn't have been too surprised when the BFP ("big fat positive," ie. pregnant) came yesterday after 3 cycles ttc (but five or so on Biaxin, since that included our avoiding time after the last miscarriage). Sooo exciting! At 15dpo (days post ovulation) I had a quant hcg of 546, which is pretty good.
I spent the day coordinating btw Dr. Toth's office, the local ob/gyn, the local infusion company, and Dr. Hilger's. I had a pretty good plan in place-another hcg Saturday and Monday, an ultrasound as soon as I hit 2000 hcg, another progesterone draw a week from Thursday (but keep in mind I am already on max dose shots), an IV put in tomorrow morning, and a trip to NY on 3/3 to see where I am at with the bacteria etc and how effective the IV was. Whew-that was definitely a full day's work!:) There was more drama coordinating the IV-the ladies at Hilger's office that set it up are out of town (yes, BOTH of them!) but left good notes and a nurse was very helpful. We were both shocked to find out today that the infusion company DOES not actually place the mid-line. They provide the pump and meds, hook it up, take care of it while it's in, and remove it. Everything but place it. I think the gals at Dr. Hilger's were aware, but somehow I missed that point so it through me for a loop. However, it turned out fine because the agency does contract out for that at the local hospitals and other companies. Midwest Vascular Access placed the line by coming to my home. It is additional money that we didn't count on, but AlternaCare is no longer requiring me to pay up front. They will bill all of it (and are a Cigna preferred provider) including what Midewast Vascular Access does. So, I did all I could in advance and now I just needed to put my faith in God that whatever happens is His will and try not to fret! Easier said than done, of course!

Mother Mary and BFP! The first letter Sat 1.26.09

January 26th, 2008


Dear Little One,

Your daddy and I are so excited! I don’t think I can convey on paper how much you are wanted and loved, even know when you are so so tiny! Even with the sadness we carry in our hearts from our previous pregnancies, I am amazed at how little that affects us in terms of our joy now. We have so much hope that we will hold you in our arms! We are doing absolutely everything we can think of to make this happen.

But first of all, let me share something with you-how much I am in love with your daddy! It is out of that love that you came into being, the most awesome thing we could ever take part in thanks to God’s grace.

On Thursday morning I woke up expecting to start my period as normal. I hadn’t had any symptoms to indicate I was pregnant (maybe a few in hindsight like peeing a lot, but nothing that was really obvious). In fact, we were all set to go to New York City to get a special treatment in March-we had everything but flights booked. But I didn’t start, so I got more and more suspicious as the day went on. Of course, I had a little nausea that morning, but I thought that was out of nervous anticipation after I didn’t start right away. Finally, I couldn’t stand the suspense. Once the idea of testing a day early entered my head, I couldn’t shake it. You see, because of our circumstances, so much has to be planned ahead of time. I got excited at the possibility of actually surprising DH for once. Normally he goes with me, but this time, due to work, he wasn’t going to be able to. He could if I waited, but he knew I was too anxious to ask me to do that. And since neither of us really suspected anything, he wasn’t worried about missing out. So, if I tested early, he wouldn’t miss out on anything he wasn’t going to already, but I could come home and surprise him with the news for once! I loved that idea and immediately called the doctor for permission. Thank goodness he agreed!

I was driving home from work, about 45 min from my home, to test with my mind in a far off place when I swear I saw Mary on the side of the road. The image quickly changed to what it really was, a tractor type thing, but I knew that if I saw it it must have been for a reason. I thought Mary must be trying to comfort me. I immediately realized that the radio I had had on for awhile now was the Catholic station saying the rosary (it was around 3:20pm. I took down my crystal rosary bracelet that hung from my rearview mirror and I join in until it was finished. I smiled at the situation.

About half way home, I realized I had taken a paper I needed out of the car. Oh, no! I had to go home first and get it! Once I got my blood drawn I waited. When I thought the test would be run by now, the secretary checked on it, and returned with apologies. They didn’t know I was waiting and thus, hadn’t started it yet! They would start now. So I waited and I talked on the phone with a friend. Finally a lady came out from the back. She had the requisition, which said if over 50 then I needed the second vial to mail. She looked at me and said, I don’t know what this means, but it is over 50. And I said “how much? Can you tell me? I’d really like to know!” and she said 546. I almost fell over knowing this was a very very high number and a good sign to start. There was definitely no ambiguity there! I smiled and said, it means I am very very pregnant for sure!” And she smiled, sharing in my joy! She gave me what I needed, along with a little sheet of paper with the number on it. She looked sheepish and said, “it isn’t very official.” I said “it’s perfect!” and grinned. I was already thinking of how I would tell DH. I made her promise to fax the results to Dr. Hilgers-two times-and then left feeling like I was floating. What a gift we’d been given! All our prayers had been answered to Mary (through Immaculate Concept Novenas), the rosary, to St. Gerard, and to the Holy Spirit! Not to mention the blessing from Fr. Tom, the prayers the latin priest promised to say to St. Rita, and the wearing of the Miraculous Medal.
I decided to go to the store and buy a card for DH to tell him how much I loved him. I decided to put the paper inside. I added a Reese’s peanut butter heart (double stuffed!) on top as a sweet treat.
I could hardly wait for DH to arrive! He called me on the drive home to visit and I paced in the kitchen talking to him. I told him I had a card for him, for all his hard work. He had been working crazy hours at his job since it was January, and I was very grateful for all he did for our family.
He came in and took his coat off. I could barely stand it, handing him the card. He opened it and saw the paper and looked at me “you’re pregnant?!” and I nodded and grinned. He beamed like only a new daddy could beam! I actually had to remind him to read the inside of the card! I told him I got a double stuffed peanut butter heart because I was double stuffed! I think he liked that! He is used to me being silly and is quite silly himself!
We are so excited. My sis JB is due just one week earlier. Daddy’s friends that also share our difficulties are due very near as well. Our good friend’s from church are expecting their second not much ahead. So many of our friends with difficulties had found recent success! We felt that this just might be our success too! We sure hoped so! And so I spend all day Friday setting up the necessary arrangements-blood draws, IV, progesterone shots, a trip to NY to check on everything in March…But first things first-I woke up and went to daily mass and had the father bless me. I know in my heart that we have done everything we can and that we now must wait and hope and pray.